Page 6 | Not to give desert…

Mumof3premies · 2023-07-30T18:55:09+00:00

So my step daughter is a complete nightmare with eating anything healthy or remotely good for her. Every Wednesday and weekend she comes we have dinner, we all sit and the table and eat together. I always add two portions of veg and some meat on the meal whether it’s a roast dinner or curry, chilli etc there’s always veg and all the children have to eat it (I only ever put on veg I know they will eat and I don’t overload the plates with it. So tonight as usual we had the usual drama that she didn’t want it my step daughter pulls the worst faces and she refused to eat the veg and meat stating she was so full she couldn’t eat another bite…. shes quite a large girl, she’s 10, is in 13-14 clothing and eats until it comes out of her ears she couldn’t have been full as 10 minutes before she ‘was starving’ we had a roast dinner we have it all the time and she likes it but today just didn’t want it. my husband said if she didn’t eat any more because she was so full that she couldn’t have desert and nothing else tonight as we can’t afford to just throw food away… so an hour later she’s kicking off because she wants desert so I said no as her dad already told her and she could have a piece of fruit or slice of toast but she wasn’t having cake and ice cream as she didn’t eat her dinner. now my husbands in a mood with me because apparently I’ve singled her out! mom so annoyed as I was sticking to what he said!

VisionsOfSplendour · 31/07/2023 08:19

DreamTheMoors · 31/07/2023 06:31

My mother was very strict about eating anything or snacking before dinner so as not to spoil my appetite. No biscuits! No crisps! You’ll ruin your appetite!
When I first moved out, I called her just before I knew she and my dad would be sitting down to eat and told her that I was snacking on crisps waiting for my food to come out of the oven. I’m ruining my appetite, ma! lol

That is so odd, its normal behaviour ro not snack when a meal is being prepared by someone else for you

aSofaNearYou · 31/07/2023 08:20

NothingWrongButTheFire · 31/07/2023 08:18

She was asking if she was unreasonable to persist with the rules because her husband was in a mood with her and accused her of singling the SD out, despite her own children having the same rule.

Then, imo, you are both being unreasonable - you and your husband need to agree an approach together. Your SD sounds like she has had a really tough start to life and your and your husband are the closest thing to stability she has; she's going to need you both to be aligned, even if it means one of you compromising your ideals. It doesn't help for him to sulk, you both need to be able to talk this one out and come to an agreement.

But HE initially was the one to say she couldn't have dessert. So they were in agreement. He went back on it.

Bearpawk · 31/07/2023 08:36

She's overweight but you're only letting her have a sweet unhealthy pudding as a reward for eating a full meal? 🥴
How about providing some healthier desserts.....

Tomeeornottomee · 31/07/2023 08:37

She sounds like my GS. He opened the fridge when he arrived and spotted I had bought him a milky bar pudding thingy. He wanted it straight away and I said it was for after dinner. Put said dinner in front of him, he ate 1 piece of meat and 1 bit of broccoli and said I've had enough.. can i have my pudding. So I said no. You have you eat a bit more than that.. the difference is that my GS is 4 and pushing boundaries, especially with his doting GPs.
As for the PPs who said that if your DSD is overweight then no one should have dessert and there should only ever be healthy food in the house... DFOD. So everyone has to suffer because one person may or may not have an issue with food, now or in the future? The OP has clearly stated this is a regular once a week treat for the whole family. But one person's feelings are clearly more important than others. 🙄

flannelonthesink · 31/07/2023 08:48

I think you were fine to follow through with the rule. Generally speaking I don't necessarily think a child needs to clear their plate so they can have pudding. I'd be happy to see they'd at least had a couple of bites of the veg. I as an adult don't always finish my own plates (and still I might have dessert a couple of hours later) so it'd be hypocritical to expect different from my son. Maybe SD can be convinced to eat her veg first going forward to get the 'boring' elements off her plate sooner - my adult DH still does this with every meal whereas I'm a bit of everything on the fork kind of lady (I was the most fussy child and the only veg I would really eat were peas and potatoes - I grew up and now love most vegetables).

Original poster

Mumof3premies · 31/07/2023 08:49

I think people just like to bully, yes she is overweight and yea has a very unhealthy relationship with food but in no way am I over feeding her I just wanted her to eat some vegetables like her dad told her to! 😂
this is a similar situation to ours, she saw the cake in fridge and didn’t want anything but the cake so it’s tuff! We have healthy desserts and we have treats once a week it’s balanced and normal!

OP posts:

kdmott · 31/07/2023 09:05

Mumof3premies · 31/07/2023 07:26

What I’ve tried to explain a million times, dsc only comes 3 times a week, the other 4 days her precious little body is plied with junk food and she can snack and gorge on food whenever she wants. We do have rules on food and we all follow them, she isn’t singled out she isn’t bullied and by no means am I encouraging an eating disorder by getting children to eat healthier and make better choices.

Sticking by the rule no you are not being unreasonable.

However I don't think your rule is suitable for this child.

You say she usually eats her veggies so why the big worry on one day if she doesn't.
A boiled carrot isn't any better for you than a airfried potato. In fact for a growing child who needs fats in their diet the potatoes are more important.

You say Sundays is the only day of desert then having it or not isn't going to ruin her health. Make it small and part of the meal rather than a treat.

It's more unhealthy mentally to add requirements than it is to just allow it.

What you are doing is trying to fight a fire (overweight child who has no rules 4/7 days) with a rule that will only cause unhappiness and not actually help her weight issue.

BadLad · 31/07/2023 09:06

AuntieJune · 30/07/2023 20:08

Dessert with 2 S = sweet course
Desert with 1 S = sandy place

I think the issue is giving food you think is unsuitable for her. Ice cream and cake should be fairly rare and in a small portion. If she doesn't eat her dinner, she can have that but not enough to take the place of a dinner.

That’s not what a desert is. Last time I checked there wasn’t much sand in Antarctica.

Original poster

Mumof3premies · 31/07/2023 09:18

kdmott · 31/07/2023 09:05

Sticking by the rule no you are not being unreasonable.

However I don't think your rule is suitable for this child.

You say she usually eats her veggies so why the big worry on one day if she doesn't.
A boiled carrot isn't any better for you than a airfried potato. In fact for a growing child who needs fats in their diet the potatoes are more important.

You say Sundays is the only day of desert then having it or not isn't going to ruin her health. Make it small and part of the meal rather than a treat.

It's more unhealthy mentally to add requirements than it is to just allow it.

What you are doing is trying to fight a fire (overweight child who has no rules 4/7 days) with a rule that will only cause unhappiness and not actually help her weight issue.

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I will just let her eat crap the whole time she’s here to then because that’s what she wants 🙄
no we have a rule that she has to eat the vegetables on the plate and then she can have pudding, simple as that.
surely eating healthy and balanced 3 days a week is better than not at all…
we try to be very active to, we walk a lot and I take them to play areas, parks, swimming, the beach as much as we can to help her to! Obviously it’s better when she’s at school than in holidays as she has school dinners and they are healthy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumof3premies · 31/07/2023 09:21

After reading these comments I will actually take on board that food shouldn’t be a treat and I will try to encourage a more healthy dessert on a Sunday. I will still encourage vegetables and protein over fried and fatty foods.

thank you for all the comments positive and negative, I’ve also discussed with my husband this morning about him back tracking and we need to be a team.

as for giving my sd an eating disorder those comments are ridiculous and I won’t even entertain them.

OP posts:

kdmott · 31/07/2023 09:27

But that's not what you are doing with that rule. With that rule you are teaching her she has to eat to get a regular part of the meal.

I literally said you are not unreasonable to stick to the rule. Just maybe that that rule is t what a child who clearly has a food issue already needs.

Yes you need to address the weight. But I don't believe that specific rule will help long term. It's not how the body works. You will never be able to control the weight by restricting one treat.

All you are doing is causing resentment and guilt. At 9 she isn't capable of understanding that.

You yourself said she unusually eats them fine. So the fight doesn't need to be eat your veggies. The fight is has she eaten too much in quantity.

The risk isn't she's a bit chunky for the rest of her life. It's that she grows up and ignores her hunger cues resulting in her eating more than her body needs And that's what people disagree with you about.

kdmott · 31/07/2023 09:29

Mumof3premies · 31/07/2023 09:21

After reading these comments I will actually take on board that food shouldn’t be a treat and I will try to encourage a more healthy dessert on a Sunday. I will still encourage vegetables and protein over fried and fatty foods.

thank you for all the comments positive and negative, I’ve also discussed with my husband this morning about him back tracking and we need to be a team.

as for giving my sd an eating disorder those comments are ridiculous and I won’t even entertain them.

I should add I don't think you are going to give her a "eating disorder " only you run the risk of a adult that is less aware of their own bodies signals.

Marblessolveeverything · 31/07/2023 09:30

The medical advice we received was never link food with reward or punishment. And to increase activity and reduce slightly portion sizes.

Partners daughter had grown up with family members with disordered eating.

We concentrated on finding fun activities which slowly became her chosen things to do. So she started to engage with them when at her mother's also.

I think finding her "thing" helped and she began to self regulate her foods. She is now a very healthy early 20s who is goes around doing paint balling most weeks.

I'm sorry but pushing foods, healthy or not, to access treats was highlighted to us as a potential disaster by her consultants.

Tatzelwyrm · 31/07/2023 09:30

ExtraOnions · 30/07/2023 19:59

As an overweight woman, who has struggled with their weight their whole life, please never use food as a reward or a punishment.

You are using “cake and ice cream” as a reward, and “fruit or toast” as a punishment. This is bad.

You put her tea in front of her, she eats as much or as little as she wants … try to avoid “eating it all up” as something to be rewarded. You then have a dessert … and if she is struggling with weight why would that option be cake ?

This - I still struggle to leave things on my plate even when I am full, and my head is telling me I am full but I cannot leave stuff on the plate

CecilyP · 31/07/2023 09:45

Mumof3premies · 31/07/2023 06:08

You really aren’t getting my point. I didn’t give her a huge portion, she had one piece of bloody broccoli and 6 carrots to eat with a bit of bloody chicken if she wanted desert! Why the hell would I let her pick and choose what she wants to eat when she’s unhealthy and overweight and only eats crap at home????? Why would I encourage this more? Am I heck making her have an eating disorder!!! I don’t talk about her weight nor to I force her to eat everything on her plate I wanted her to eat the vegetables and some chicken so did her dad! Some people on her are absolutely vile if I’m being honest!
I know how to deal with situations and I really don’t feel I need a parenting course, if anything those of you that let your children have two bites of a meal ‘because they are full’ then they want desert straight after are the ones who need help! No wonder children these days have no manners, no boundaries and do what the bloody hell they want to do!

6 carrots sounds like a meal in itself! Though perhaps they were small carrots? She had already eaten 2 types of potato and Yorkshire pudding (with chicken?) Perhaps she wasn’t totally full but, knowing you normally serve cake and ice cream on Sunday, she was saving some room for that. She would only have been at fault if she had asked for a larger portion of dessert than you would normally serve. It seems like if she was already feeling a bit full, you wanted her to be really, really full in order to get even more food in the form of the dessert.

When we were kids saying we were full, people would say, just eat the meat, I suppose because it was the most expensive item. Perhaps you could try that in future.

I do however think your DH is unreasonable in setting a rule then making you out to be the bad guy for enforcing it.

autienotnaughti · 31/07/2023 10:05

No child should have to finish their plate it creates a unhealthy attitude to overeating. Food should not be used as a bribe or reward. Really treats shouldn't be a everyday thing. If you like to do pudding mix it up. One day it's fruit, another yoghurt, another a biscuit etc but everyone gets it as part of their meal . The best approach to picky eating is a relaxed one to avoid a stigma around food

MissTrip82 · 31/07/2023 10:20

CecilyP · 31/07/2023 09:45

6 carrots sounds like a meal in itself! Though perhaps they were small carrots? She had already eaten 2 types of potato and Yorkshire pudding (with chicken?) Perhaps she wasn’t totally full but, knowing you normally serve cake and ice cream on Sunday, she was saving some room for that. She would only have been at fault if she had asked for a larger portion of dessert than you would normally serve. It seems like if she was already feeling a bit full, you wanted her to be really, really full in order to get even more food in the form of the dessert.

When we were kids saying we were full, people would say, just eat the meat, I suppose because it was the most expensive item. Perhaps you could try that in future.

I do however think your DH is unreasonable in setting a rule then making you out to be the bad guy for enforcing it.

Show quote history

I mean surely the OP means batons or something not that she served up six whole carrots come on…..:

I don’t know what the answer is here OP. We do dessert for everybody regardless of what they’ve eaten but are we right? I don’t know. I don’t know how to get this stuff right.

NewNovember · 31/07/2023 10:24

and ice cream is offered as a treat on a Sunday after dinner! so then offer it don't make it conditional your step daughter ate her dinner she just didn't clear her plate.

nokidshere · 31/07/2023 10:25

I don’t cook them in oil I do them in the air fryer so they aren’t awful x

But earlier you said she only ate the unhealthy parts of the dinner? Potatoes aren't unhealthy and you know that or presumably you wouldn't be serving them as part of a healthy meal?

So what you really mean is that she didn't eat what you wanted her to eat.

NewNovember · 31/07/2023 10:25

Also the irony is you said she is overweight yet wanted her to consume more calories in order to get the reward of desert.

JoeyRamoney · 31/07/2023 10:29

If you think she's going to fill up on cake and ice cream then the portion is far too large.

We always served pudding alongside dinner (usually yogurt, fruit, sugar free, custard, jelly or angel delight). These foods are not treats or rewards, they are the same as the other food on the plate. We have never had a meltdown or food refusal to get to the 'treat' stage of the meal.

Mrsjayy · 31/07/2023 10:30

nokidshere · 31/07/2023 10:25

I don’t cook them in oil I do them in the air fryer so they aren’t awful x

But earlier you said she only ate the unhealthy parts of the dinner? Potatoes aren't unhealthy and you know that or presumably you wouldn't be serving them as part of a healthy meal?

So what you really mean is that she didn't eat what you wanted her to eat.

Oh yes this is the crux of the who hoha,she didn't eat what the op wanted her to eat !

CecilyP · 31/07/2023 10:34

I will just let her eat crap the whole time she’s here to then because that’s what she wants 🙄

But nobody is saying that! She wasn’t even asking for anything extra. The cake and ice cream was an integral part of the 2-course meal you were providing. So having it should not have been dependent of finishing everything in her plate in the first course.

aSofaNearYou · 31/07/2023 10:46

Oh yes this is the crux of the who hoha,she didn't eat what the op wanted her to eat !

What her dad wanted her to eat. OP was just backing him up, then he threw her under the bus.

Stressfordays · 31/07/2023 10:48

I don't disagree with anything you've done, I handle things slightly differently with my kids though but they are all very slim. Mine will be offered a meal and whatever pudding and can eat what they want. If they don't finish their meal though, they don't get any snacks later (mine like some biscuits before bed).

Maybe swap your Sunday roast pudding to something like a meringue nest with fruit and some light squirty cream. I lived on that as a pudding when I was doing slimming world and it felt like a proper dessert.