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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not to give desert…

253 replies

Mumof3premies · 30/07/2023 19:55

So my step daughter is a complete nightmare with eating anything healthy or remotely good for her.
Every Wednesday and weekend she comes we have dinner, we all sit and the table and eat together.
I always add two portions of veg and some meat on the meal whether it’s a roast dinner or curry, chilli etc there’s always veg and all the children have to eat it (I only ever put on veg I know they will eat and I don’t overload the plates with it.
So tonight as usual we had the usual drama that she didn’t want it my step daughter pulls the worst faces and she refused to eat the veg and meat stating she was so full she couldn’t eat another bite….
shes quite a large girl, she’s 10, is in 13-14 clothing and eats until it comes out of her ears she couldn’t have been full as 10 minutes before she ‘was starving’
we had a roast dinner we have it all the time and she likes it but today just didn’t want it.
my husband said if she didn’t eat any more because she was so full that she couldn’t have desert and nothing else tonight as we can’t afford to just throw food away…
so an hour later she’s kicking off because she wants desert so I said no as her dad already told her and she could have a piece of fruit or slice of toast but she wasn’t having cake and ice cream as she didn’t eat her dinner.
now my husbands in a mood with me because apparently I’ve singled her out!
mom so annoyed as I was sticking to what he said!

OP posts:
BlairWaldorfOG · 01/08/2023 09:14

Ah OP almost identical circumstances and issues with my step child. Mum provides him with a horrendous diet, McDonald's, pot noodles, kebabs, Domino's nothing remotely balanced. Lives with us half the week so we end up trying to encourage healthy choices. Things that have worked for us-

Hidden veg dishes in things like chilli, pastas etc. I tend to mix the chilli in with the rice so that the bit he would go to first (the white rice) is already mixed together so he's less likely to eat around the other stuff.

Roast dinners, step son also loves his potatoes, Yorkshire pudding and gravy. So when it's plated I put the bare minimum potatoes and YPs on everyone's plates, when he asks straight away for more of either we tell him yes there's more once you have eaten your veg I'll go and get you more if you want.

Fruit, he's so picky with eating fruit so I always make sure that we have things he likes (melon, red grapes) in, he also seems to really like things that are specifically for him so I bought pink lady apples and showed him the little pink fleshy bit under the skin and said the four there were for him and he enjoyed that.

Plates, I give him less than I would give his younger sibling, big heaps of food he gets overwhelmed, I use a slightly smaller white plate and space things out so he can see what he has.

We've stopped making a big battle of it, well I have, I try to be more jokey about it with him and we "trick his dad" in surprising him by eating the good stuff. He and my husband lock horns a bit about it still and we don't get very far, like yesterday became a bit of a "well I'll sit at the table all day if I have to I am not eating any vegetables" then my husband left the room for something and I asked if anyone wanted the last piece of fish, step son straight away said he did so I suggested he ate some veg first, he'd finished the veg before my husband came back in.

These are just things that work with my step child, he isn't remotely overweight so that factors in to him refusing healthier food and asking for big quantities of highly processed foods. He's also quite immature in some areas so despite being the same age as your step daughter things like the above work.

Also, I wouldn't have given any of my children cake and ice cream if they'd left the bulk of a meal either. We don't need clear plates here but you also have limits as a parent in terms of empowering your child to eat until they're full and not overeat and then them just being children and wanting the sugary stuff.

Mumof3premies · 01/08/2023 10:00

BlairWaldorfOG · 01/08/2023 09:14

Ah OP almost identical circumstances and issues with my step child. Mum provides him with a horrendous diet, McDonald's, pot noodles, kebabs, Domino's nothing remotely balanced. Lives with us half the week so we end up trying to encourage healthy choices. Things that have worked for us-

Hidden veg dishes in things like chilli, pastas etc. I tend to mix the chilli in with the rice so that the bit he would go to first (the white rice) is already mixed together so he's less likely to eat around the other stuff.

Roast dinners, step son also loves his potatoes, Yorkshire pudding and gravy. So when it's plated I put the bare minimum potatoes and YPs on everyone's plates, when he asks straight away for more of either we tell him yes there's more once you have eaten your veg I'll go and get you more if you want.

Fruit, he's so picky with eating fruit so I always make sure that we have things he likes (melon, red grapes) in, he also seems to really like things that are specifically for him so I bought pink lady apples and showed him the little pink fleshy bit under the skin and said the four there were for him and he enjoyed that.

Plates, I give him less than I would give his younger sibling, big heaps of food he gets overwhelmed, I use a slightly smaller white plate and space things out so he can see what he has.

We've stopped making a big battle of it, well I have, I try to be more jokey about it with him and we "trick his dad" in surprising him by eating the good stuff. He and my husband lock horns a bit about it still and we don't get very far, like yesterday became a bit of a "well I'll sit at the table all day if I have to I am not eating any vegetables" then my husband left the room for something and I asked if anyone wanted the last piece of fish, step son straight away said he did so I suggested he ate some veg first, he'd finished the veg before my husband came back in.

These are just things that work with my step child, he isn't remotely overweight so that factors in to him refusing healthier food and asking for big quantities of highly processed foods. He's also quite immature in some areas so despite being the same age as your step daughter things like the above work.

Also, I wouldn't have given any of my children cake and ice cream if they'd left the bulk of a meal either. We don't need clear plates here but you also have limits as a parent in terms of empowering your child to eat until they're full and not overeat and then them just being children and wanting the sugary stuff.

This is fantastic advice, I will try all of these options and see if it helps! Thank you xx

OP posts:
Teder · 01/08/2023 11:37

YANBU. Your husband was wrong not to back you up when he had made the decision in the first place. He’s giving mixed messages and it’s not fair on you or your step daughter.

I think your attitude to food is fine. It’s clear you’re making an effort and trying to do right by her and her health, which is more than her biological parents seem to be doing! It’s ok if you don’t always get it right, it’s clear you have her best interests at heart. She’s at an awkward age too where she’s growing up but she’s still young enough to need firm boundaries. If she’s able to eat junk non stop with her mum then it must be confusing for her. Clearly that’s not your fault but your husband needs to help establish boundaries in your home and not undermine you.

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