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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to give desert…

253 replies

Mumof3premies · 30/07/2023 19:55

So my step daughter is a complete nightmare with eating anything healthy or remotely good for her.
Every Wednesday and weekend she comes we have dinner, we all sit and the table and eat together.
I always add two portions of veg and some meat on the meal whether it’s a roast dinner or curry, chilli etc there’s always veg and all the children have to eat it (I only ever put on veg I know they will eat and I don’t overload the plates with it.
So tonight as usual we had the usual drama that she didn’t want it my step daughter pulls the worst faces and she refused to eat the veg and meat stating she was so full she couldn’t eat another bite….
shes quite a large girl, she’s 10, is in 13-14 clothing and eats until it comes out of her ears she couldn’t have been full as 10 minutes before she ‘was starving’
we had a roast dinner we have it all the time and she likes it but today just didn’t want it.
my husband said if she didn’t eat any more because she was so full that she couldn’t have desert and nothing else tonight as we can’t afford to just throw food away…
so an hour later she’s kicking off because she wants desert so I said no as her dad already told her and she could have a piece of fruit or slice of toast but she wasn’t having cake and ice cream as she didn’t eat her dinner.
now my husbands in a mood with me because apparently I’ve singled her out!
mom so annoyed as I was sticking to what he said!

OP posts:
Keyworks · 31/07/2023 07:30

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

aSofaNearYou · 31/07/2023 07:37

YANBU - and I'd be telling my DH he can cook in future when she's there if he's going to flip flop like that. It was his idea to tell her she couldn't have the cake. He has a massive cheek turning that on you, and I wouldn't stand for it.

GiraffeDoor · 31/07/2023 07:39

Step parents often get a hard time on here...... because a lot of us grew up with step parents who quite clearly didn't much like us. It's so clear when something (like excessive control over food) comes from a place of concern, and when it comes from a place of annoyance or even disgust.

There is no point making food a battle ground. It won't improve anyone's health, and it will destroy relationships. Eating a piece of broccoli doesn't actually cancel out a piece of cake, the two things are unrelated. You're teaching her that she doesn't "deserve" nice food, which leads to shame, and to secret binging.

Only keep food in the house that you're happy for her to eat. If you're happy for her to have a small anount of ice cream that's absolutely fine, but it shouldn't be conditional on anything else. If you have enough junk food available to replace all her meals, that's the problem really.

Hufflepods · 31/07/2023 07:39

DreamTheMoors · 31/07/2023 06:31

My mother was very strict about eating anything or snacking before dinner so as not to spoil my appetite. No biscuits! No crisps! You’ll ruin your appetite!
When I first moved out, I called her just before I knew she and my dad would be sitting down to eat and told her that I was snacking on crisps waiting for my food to come out of the oven. I’m ruining my appetite, ma! lol

All this shows is your maturity level when you moved out. Your poor mother was not wasting an hour of her life most nights to provide a home cooked meal for you so you could just eat crisps and biscuits instead. You should be embarrassed to go around telling that story.

CantFindTheBeat · 31/07/2023 07:41

OP,

You're posting on a forum about your step daughter, using words like gorge, unhealthy, big, overweight.

You do have issues around her eating, You need to take advice outside of this forum. You're in a difficult situation here, but you are creating potentially long term issues for your relationship and her eating (poor girl).

Imagine she was to know you'd posted this about her (in this way). She'd never get over it.

You also need to spell DESSERT correctly. Your stubborn continuation of using the wrong spelling despite numerous posters pointing it out is illuminating.

SeatonCarew · 31/07/2023 07:43

Gymnopedie · 30/07/2023 21:37

The principles of using food as reward/punishment, how to describe someone, may be valid discussion points - but they're not for this thread.

The essence of this thread is that the girl's own father (unprompted by the sound of it) told her that if she didn't eat her dinner she couldn't have pudding, or even anything else tonight. When she asked for dessert OP, supporting her husband, reiterated that she couldn't have any. Imagine if the OP had said yes, she could? She'd have had her arse handed to her for undermining her father (possibly by him). So she backed him up, and now he's making her the bad guy.

The DD immediately rang her mother which presumably is why he's done an about face. But that is entirely down to him. OP in cases like this, don't make a decision. Tell her she has to ask her dad. He'll probably give in to her, but at least he can't make you out to be the baddie. So will the PPs tearing the OP apart please recognise that the problem tonight is with the father, not OP.

👏👏👏👏👏

Threenow · 31/07/2023 07:47

Titicacacandle · 30/07/2023 20:49

You're completely projecting your own issues on to this thread. I gave a reply that is balanced and shows that children who can't have pudding because they didn't eat their veg don't all grow up to have disordered eating.

It is disordered eating to eat cake and ice cream instead of your main meal and to think that's normal.

Show quote history

There was nothing wrong with your post Titicaca. Entire generations were brought up that way, and the majority of them don't have disordered eating.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 31/07/2023 07:50

I see it as my job to provide the food, what type of food (roast dinner plus pudding), where it is eaten (at the table, though I will allow “under the table like a cat” because that is the phase of life we are in and it makes DD feel more secure), and how (with a knife and fork, not fingers). It’s DC’s job to decide how much of what’s provided to eat, and which parts. Some days that will be all broccoli and carrots, nothing else; other days it will be a little bit of everything; sometimes just chicken and gravy. No comment from me, unless anyone says “Yuck!” – they can choose not to eat something, and to say they don’t like it, but not to criticise it – and everyone gets offered pudding all the same. Sometimes that gets eaten, sometimes they say no. Everyone has a multivitamin.

I find the idea of plating up for a child (other than a baby/toddler who can’t serve themselves from the dish and might need things cutting up) a bit weird and plate police-y: I wouldn’t want someone else choosing my potato/vegetable/meat ratio. Just put the serving dishes on the table and let stepdaughter serve herself, don’t comment if she doesn’t choose broccoli, just continue to serve it each time. Back up your husband when he issues stupid edicts like no pudding, but also discuss with him why when you back him up he decides this is “singling out”, and suggest instead everyone is offered the same small pudding, zero comment or punishment. It’s food not a battleground.

StephanieSuperpowers · 31/07/2023 07:51

OP, I know you're not looking for this advice, but I'd try to overcome your contempt for your SD's mother. Your SD will pick it up and feel that it mirrors your feelings for her, even if you think it doesn't.

I know you're going to reject this observation out of hand, which you're entitled to do, but many posters are picking up something here that's pinging so it may be something to think about.

GiraffeDoor · 31/07/2023 07:52

Threenow · 31/07/2023 07:47

There was nothing wrong with your post Titicaca. Entire generations were brought up that way, and the majority of them don't have disordered eating.

Show quote history

This isn't quite true, though. Three quarters of people in the UK aged 45-74 are overweight or obese. Obesity in particular is increasingly seen as often related to disordered eating.

Original poster
Mumof3premies · 31/07/2023 07:53

My phones on auto correct and I have to speak into my phone as I have arthritis in my wrists due to my own issues with food when I was younger, but god for bud I had an issue which meant I couldn’t spell correctly and you are now pointing it out and embarrassing me, I hope that makes you feel good!

she would never hear about this thread as she is 9 and I wouldn’t discuss it in front of her EVER!
if you saw how she ate you would use the words gorge and she shovels anything unhealthy in. Of course a piece of broccoli and a few carrots don’t cancel out a piece of cake but she should have just ate the broccoli and she could have had the cake 😂 I don’t back down and I stick to the rules and so do my children! I’m not having kids rule my house and do whatever they want so they are awful teenagers 😂 no thanks

OP posts:
Beamur · 31/07/2023 07:53

Nothing good will come of battling over food.
I understand your frustration and why but it's a really bad idea to make pudding conditional on eating all your dinner. That it the path to overeating and disordered eating.
Seriously, offer dinner (eat it or leave it) same for dessert. As it's your SD affected here, if she's not happy with this - let your DH then deal with it and step back.

SeatonCarew · 31/07/2023 07:54

You are doing a good job OP, carry on, and have a word with your husband. You both need to be calm, consistent and on the same page.

It's fine to say, " In our house this is how we do things". Kids get that.

And your DH was in the wrong on this occasion, you need to discuss this. It sounds like you're doing a great job in less than ideal circumstances.

Original poster
Mumof3premies · 31/07/2023 08:02

After her ringing constantly after our 26 week son was born saying she hoped he died sorry but I can’t speak to that woman, we are civil at pick ups and drops off and I never say anything about her in front of her daughter or to anyone tbh she is irrelevant to my life

OP posts:
ifonly4 · 31/07/2023 08:04

If she would normally eat the meat and veggies offered, sounds like she's carrying out a level of control. If your DH had already stated that there wouldn't be any dessert if she didn't eat a reasonable amount and if it's known by your family no one gets dessert, then fair enough. She'd already said she was too full to eat anything else, so she wouldn't have room for pudding.

You'd already spent money and time on cooking a nice nutritious meal, so fair enough not to offer more than fruit or toast later on, unless she'd have accepted a plate of roast warmed up.

aSofaNearYou · 31/07/2023 08:05

Mumof3premies · 31/07/2023 08:02

After her ringing constantly after our 26 week son was born saying she hoped he died sorry but I can’t speak to that woman, we are civil at pick ups and drops off and I never say anything about her in front of her daughter or to anyone tbh she is irrelevant to my life

Bloody hell, how horrific.

Hibiscrubbed · 31/07/2023 08:06

Mumof3premies · 31/07/2023 08:02

After her ringing constantly after our 26 week son was born saying she hoped he died sorry but I can’t speak to that woman, we are civil at pick ups and drops off and I never say anything about her in front of her daughter or to anyone tbh she is irrelevant to my life

You’re doing a grand job, OP. You’re not unreasonable.

Some posters will be cunts to you because they have issues with their own children having new women in their lives due to their own ex partners moving on and up.

NothingWrongButTheFire · 31/07/2023 08:08

I am genuinely confused what you want here OP. You are comfortable that your rules about food are good ones (your choice). You are adament that sticking to the rules is something you do and you're not having 'kids rule the house' (again, your choice).

What are you asking AIBU about then?

Hibiscrubbed · 31/07/2023 08:11

NothingWrongButTheFire · 31/07/2023 08:08

I am genuinely confused what you want here OP. You are comfortable that your rules about food are good ones (your choice). You are adament that sticking to the rules is something you do and you're not having 'kids rule the house' (again, your choice).

What are you asking AIBU about then?

She was asking if she was unreasonable to persist with the rules because her husband was in a mood with her and accused her of singling the SD out, despite her own children having the same rule.

aSofaNearYou · 31/07/2023 08:11

NothingWrongButTheFire · 31/07/2023 08:08

I am genuinely confused what you want here OP. You are comfortable that your rules about food are good ones (your choice). You are adament that sticking to the rules is something you do and you're not having 'kids rule the house' (again, your choice).

What are you asking AIBU about then?

I think it's pretty common for your thoughts on a subject to become more clear when you see people adamantly arguing the opposite and find yourself thinking they're being ridiculous.

Original poster
Mumof3premies · 31/07/2023 08:11

For 5 years we had abuse, there wasn’t a broken family unit or anything, she has a new partner and children etc she is just not a very nice person imo and I can’t be more than civil to her. We don’t need to have contact it always ends in arguing and that causes tension, we pick up at set times and drop off at set times, she has a phone to talk to her mum and dad at each others houses and she’s old enough to communicate days and things. This works for us!
I asked opinions on this situation but if I’m being honest I class myself as a good parent, I treat everyone equally and I am very fair but I do have rules and they can be strict, ie with food, bedtime, washing and bathing and routine! I can’t cope if things aren’t in a routine, I do struggle still with my mental health and I do have to have set things in place to keep me sane!

OP posts:
user1471481356 · 31/07/2023 08:12

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not give an alternative if the dinner isn’t eaten, but I do think it’s unreasonable to say they must eat their veg/meat. We offer dinner with no comment, no persuading, no encouraging, we tell them to leave things on their plates if they don’t want them. But if they don’t eat a perfectly normal dinner that they’ve eaten a hundred times then we don’t offer an alternative later, which they know. So it’s their choice if they eat or not but there’s never a drama about food

RoseBucket · 31/07/2023 08:12

@Titicacacandle i also agree with you.

@Mumof3premies As another said it’s your husband who turned this into an issue and you didn’t starve her, you offered her a reasonable alternative I can’t understand why you are getting a hard time?

Original poster
Mumof3premies · 31/07/2023 08:13

Hibiscrubbed · 31/07/2023 08:11

She was asking if she was unreasonable to persist with the rules because her husband was in a mood with her and accused her of singling the SD out, despite her own children having the same rule.

Show quote history

Exactly! I wasn’t asking if my rules were wrong!! I was asking if standing by what was said made me a bad person! However with all these unrealistic comments I genuinely feel for your children in the future as they will have no boundaries or respect!

OP posts:
NothingWrongButTheFire · 31/07/2023 08:18

She was asking if she was unreasonable to persist with the rules because her husband was in a mood with her and accused her of singling the SD out, despite her own children having the same rule.

Then, imo, you are both being unreasonable - you and your husband need to agree an approach together. Your SD sounds like she has had a really tough start to life and your and your husband are the closest thing to stability she has; she's going to need you both to be aligned, even if it means one of you compromising your ideals. It doesn't help for him to sulk, you both need to be able to talk this one out and come to an agreement.