How to politely ask FIL to NOT touch me

[Bluesky5512]

I’ve known FIL for the last 15ish years. He is 75. He has been a thorough gentleman all through. Inlaws live in the US, we visit them every year. MIL passed away a couple of years ago in a sudden accident. Ever since FIL has been visiting us more often and at times staying for 2-3 months at a time. We stuck a friendship during his recent visits. We talk about politics, astronomy (is was a professor) and yoga (my passion). I see him as a father figure and a friend. DH works in a hospital and I work from home. I take FIL out and about with me - grocery, school runs etc

He has been acting weird lately. Pinching my cheeks, Putting his hands on my shoulder, and yesterday on my waist. WTF !! I was totally taken back and he doesn’t seem to realise. He was never a “creep” IYKWIM. But this touchy behaviour is making me very uncomfortable. I don’t know how to tell him to stop without ruining our friendship.

Are there any signs of dementia ? This can make them frisky.
Other than that you need to tell DH that he makes you feel uncomfortable and why.

“FiL, I’m really not a touchy feely person”, plus a Paddington bear style Hard Stare?

S

Sounds like you have slipped into the default woman space in his life. I don’t know if there is a delicate way to tell him to stop it. What happens if you remove his hand or bristle?

“ (name) please don’t ( what’s making you feel uncomfortable ) as it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t mind a high five instead. 😁

I don’t think it’s necessarily a sexual thing. (Not saying it definitely isn’t - don’t know the man!) In my experience, some people are just more “touchy” than others - and that can be their way of demonstrating closeness with friends/family members. I’m a little that way with my own family, I think? So it could just be his way of showing that he is thinking of you more like a DD than a DIL. (That said, a hand round the waist is about as far as propriety allows; if it starts being a hand on your bum, then it’s definitely moved into different territory!)

He might not think it’s creepy. Maybe he misses the human touch and affection and I don’t mean in a sexual way.

It doesn’t sound massively creepy to me… he’s a part of your family that you’ve known fifteen years and he’s probably grateful to have you and his son, especially as his wife died only a year ago. I wouldn’t be assuming he’s making a move on you.

If him touching your waist is unacceptable try taking his hands on yours and giving them a friendly squeeze and moving away. Each time he touches you in a way you don’t like, do the same. Do you really think pinching your cheek or putting hands on your shoulders is weird? I think it’s weird that you think it is.

Not all touch is meant in a creepy, harmful way and it sounds to me that he’s just trying to show you he appreciates having you in his life as a daughter figure. But if you don’t like being touched then try to convey that without making out like he’s a pervert for wanting to show physical affection. Men need hugs and touch too.

Does his son give his dad hugs at all?

Jesus Christ!
Women aren't support animals for men's needs!
So what if he needs " touch"
It's not for him to just go round touching anyone he likes.

If it it a change in behaviour then it could be a sign of dementia or other issues. Or he could just miss a bit of physical contact. If you are good friends and can talk about stuff then I think you can say you've noticed this change and ask about it. He might be feeling low in mood. I would say it's not welcomed by you and if he's worried about the change he might want to see the gp.

Sounds like onset of dementia

Oh jeez …high fives, frisky dementia …. Mn is so good these days.
pp suggested taking his hands and them, perhaps gently say to him you don’t like it. The other two things, I don’t get why you see an issue but perhaps tell him you are not a touchy feely person do you mind not? I’ve a good feeling this is offend him. However you should not have to touched to avoid offending someone else.

Obviously tell him to stop like you would anyone else and let your DH know

Can you just step away every time he does it? If that doesn’t work you might have to actually tell him.

Absolutely not making him sound like a creep or anything. He is lovely otherwise.

I do not like being touched. Why is that weird?

Several quite innocent things may be going on. Never underestimate how much older people who have lost their spouse miss human touch and physical contact. My MiL, after she lost FiL, actually articulated this to me and it was a real revelation. Not in a sexual way either. So it could be that. He's literally reaching out, probably subconsciously.
Also dementia can do this.
But if you don't like it you shouldn't have to put up with it.
Suggest to your husband that he gives his dad a few hugs.
And you'll just have to tell FiL that you're not very touchy feely.

I don’t think she said they were? In fact I think she said whilst he might be seeking out human touch, if you’re not happy with it here are some strategies? Unless I’ve missed something (I do tend to skim rather than read to be fair).

Every time he does it, move away and say, 'Don't do that!'

Thanks for understanding.

Another that thinks it could be dementia, sorry.

I have a family member who nursed a spouse through MND. They said that one of the hardest things was not having someone to hug them. Nothing remotely sexual.

I’m someone who really values human touch, I can’t imagine life without it.

You don't.

This is your husband's job, to protect you, to intervene when another man is making you feel uncomfortable.

If you haven't already told your DH, tell him what you've told us.

And tell him he's needed, to explain and reset that boundary.

You shouldn't have to feel double-uncomfortable by having to tackle that conversation as well as dealing with your reaction to the hands.

And perhaps he will listen, hear and respect it coming from another man.

there are no other signs of dementia. Seems ok otherwise.

It's onset of dementia so you won't be seeing any signs but this is a sign

I don't blame you for not wanting this. Ignore any suggestion that you should put up with it because it's not sexual, he misses human touch whatever. I'm a 53 year old single woman, come to think of it, not having any human touch, although it would be meaningless obviously if I was just hugging randomers as they walked by.

I once made a ''joke'' about personal space. put your arms out in front like an air cabin crew, then move them to the side around you saying 'personal space personal space, mind it folks''.

Can you bring it up in another context? Got example I hate massages/spas because I generally don't like being touched. It's a good way into a conversation about some people being tactile and others not wanting to be touched either at all or other than by DC/partner.
I'd take this route if you think it's non sexual. If you think he is being sexually inappropriate I'd be more direct.