Page 21 | How to politely ask FIL to NOT touch me

Bluesky5512 · 2023-07-30T06:38:54+00:00

I’ve known FIL for the last 15ish years. He is 75. He has been a thorough gentleman all through. Inlaws live in the US, we visit them every year. MIL passed away a couple of years ago in a sudden accident. Ever since FIL has been visiting us more often and at times staying for 2-3 months at a time. We stuck a friendship during his recent visits. We talk about politics, astronomy (is was a professor) and yoga (my passion). I see him as a father figure and a friend. DH works in a hospital and I work from home. I take FIL out and about with me - grocery, school runs etc He has been acting weird lately. Pinching my cheeks, Putting his hands on my shoulder, and yesterday on my waist. WTF !! I was totally taken back and he doesn’t seem to realise. He was never a “creep” IYKWIM. But this touchy behaviour is making me very uncomfortable. I don’t know how to tell him to stop without ruining our friendship.

Skinthin · 05/08/2023 16:08

The problem is that people are only capable of very black and white thinking.
Touching without consent = bad, OP= female victim, FIL=bad man, anyone who brings up something like dementia is “excusing” / justifying violence again women and placing onus on the victim and siding with the “perpetrator”.

That’s the chain of reasoning and people get angry if you try to bring in any discussion of potential context/ nuance or suggest that FIL might also be a vulnerable human.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 05/08/2023 16:41

Skinthin · 05/08/2023 16:08

The problem is that people are only capable of very black and white thinking.
Touching without consent = bad, OP= female victim, FIL=bad man, anyone who brings up something like dementia is “excusing” / justifying violence again women and placing onus on the victim and siding with the “perpetrator”.

That’s the chain of reasoning and people get angry if you try to bring in any discussion of potential context/ nuance or suggest that FIL might also be a vulnerable human.

This whole thread in a nutshell. Somewhere upthread a poster actually gloated that they were glad another poster had left the thread. That poster, who had put forward reasoned posts with the insight and compassion of experience of caring for a dementia sufferer, gave up after being treated with scorn, and her valid opinions dismissed with no reasoned argument other than OP victim, FIL perpetrator. That’s nothing to be proud of and it’s happening more and more on MN. I don’t think this thread is helping anyone now.

Mummy08m · 05/08/2023 17:22

SquirrelMadness · 05/08/2023 15:17

The reason I keep posting is in response to all the posts claiming it doesn't matter if the FIL has dementia. I do think it's important on a thread like this to explain why it does matter.

The attitudes towards elderly relatives on this thread is absolutely disgusting. As someone with a close elderly relative who has dementia, I find it really quite upsetting. I can only think that people don't understand what a tragic disease ut is.

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all the posts claiming it doesn't matter if the FIL has dementia

I don't know if you're referring to my posts. I thought I'd been clear that it doesn't make much of a difference to op whether or not it's dementia. Because she can't do anything to get FIL assessed beyond what she has already done - broach it with dh. Either way op needs to take steps to protect herself (either confrontation or avoidance), and she's opted for avoiding his touch where possible.

Obviously it makes a great deal of difference to FIL if he has dementia or not. No one is disputing that, it would be nonsensical to dispute that.

ZairWazAnOldLady · 05/08/2023 17:34

Nah it’s just a bunch of people not listening to each other. NOBODY has said the man doesn’t have dementia NOBODY has said he does, literally everyone has said that OP should start by telling him to stop and go from there. Some people think he “most likely has the has dementia they’ve seen it, and some say it’s not the most likely reason. Then lots of people have got offended because they stated they have first hand experience of dementia and feel their expertise is being ignored.

pam290358 · 05/08/2023 17:47

Mummy08m · 05/08/2023 17:22

all the posts claiming it doesn't matter if the FIL has dementia

I don't know if you're referring to my posts. I thought I'd been clear that it doesn't make much of a difference to op whether or not it's dementia. Because she can't do anything to get FIL assessed beyond what she has already done - broach it with dh. Either way op needs to take steps to protect herself (either confrontation or avoidance), and she's opted for avoiding his touch where possible.

Obviously it makes a great deal of difference to FIL if he has dementia or not. No one is disputing that, it would be nonsensical to dispute that.

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Obviously it makes a great deal of difference to FIL if he has dementia or not. No one is disputing that, it would be nonsensical to dispute that.

And yet no one wants to lift a finger to find out. If they really wanted to help, despite the fact that he’s not resident in the UK, they can still take him to see their own GP, who could assess him. If a problem is detected, they could then potentially access secondary care which may or may not incur a fee. So to say there’s nothing they can do isn’t strictly true. It’s just easier. Which is what we’re really talking about here - easier to pack him off back to the USA and leave him to his fate.

Mummy08m · 05/08/2023 17:50

pam290358 · 05/08/2023 17:47

Obviously it makes a great deal of difference to FIL if he has dementia or not. No one is disputing that, it would be nonsensical to dispute that.

And yet no one wants to lift a finger to find out. If they really wanted to help, despite the fact that he’s not resident in the UK, they can still take him to see their own GP, who could assess him. If a problem is detected, they could then potentially access secondary care which may or may not incur a fee. So to say there’s nothing they can do isn’t strictly true. It’s just easier. Which is what we’re really talking about here - easier to pack him off back to the USA and leave him to his fate.

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Indeed, op's dh doesn't want to lift a finger to assess his father. Op can't easily do it against her dh's wishes.

We are all in agreement that op's dh is useless.

Whether op should leave him or bury him under the patio is a discussion for another thread no doubt

DotAndCarryOne2 · 05/08/2023 17:53

Mummy08m · 05/08/2023 17:22

all the posts claiming it doesn't matter if the FIL has dementia

I don't know if you're referring to my posts. I thought I'd been clear that it doesn't make much of a difference to op whether or not it's dementia. Because she can't do anything to get FIL assessed beyond what she has already done - broach it with dh. Either way op needs to take steps to protect herself (either confrontation or avoidance), and she's opted for avoiding his touch where possible.

Obviously it makes a great deal of difference to FIL if he has dementia or not. No one is disputing that, it would be nonsensical to dispute that.

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If he continues to spend long periods of time in the OPs home and the behaviour is down to dementia, then sooner or later it will make a difference to her as the disease progresses undiagnosed and unchecked. His behaviour could worsen or become aggressive - she’s the target for his present behaviour so any escalation puts her more at risk. This has been pointed out by several posters.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 05/08/2023 17:59

Mummy08m · 05/08/2023 17:50

Indeed, op's dh doesn't want to lift a finger to assess his father. Op can't easily do it against her dh's wishes.

We are all in agreement that op's dh is useless.

Whether op should leave him or bury him under the patio is a discussion for another thread no doubt

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Why does the OP need anyone’s permission to take FIL to see her GP ? If he’s willing to do so, she doesn’t need to involve anyone else unless/ until a problem has been identified, at which point she can insist they support her, as it’s she who is at risk.

Mummy08m · 05/08/2023 18:11

DotAndCarryOne2 · 05/08/2023 17:59

Why does the OP need anyone’s permission to take FIL to see her GP ? If he’s willing to do so, she doesn’t need to involve anyone else unless/ until a problem has been identified, at which point she can insist they support her, as it’s she who is at risk.

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Because she knows FIL won't want to go. Read the op's posts. FIL doesn't value her opinion enough, and also believes ill health is a sign of weakness etc.

The main reason her cowardly dh won't do it is because he knows FIL won't hear of it.

You're implying that op is disdainfully allowing her FIL to languish in ill health but that doesn't reflect the info she's given us at all.

Rosscameasdoody · 05/08/2023 18:14

Mummy08m · 05/08/2023 18:11

Because she knows FIL won't want to go. Read the op's posts. FIL doesn't value her opinion enough, and also believes ill health is a sign of weakness etc.

The main reason her cowardly dh won't do it is because he knows FIL won't hear of it.

You're implying that op is disdainfully allowing her FIL to languish in ill health but that doesn't reflect the info she's given us at all.

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Not implying anything, just don’t understand the mindset, given the possible consequences.