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Original poster

How to politely ask FIL to NOT touch me

510 replies

Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 07:38

I’ve known FIL for the last 15ish years. He is 75. He has been a thorough gentleman all through. Inlaws live in the US, we visit them every year. MIL passed away a couple of years ago in a sudden accident. Ever since FIL has been visiting us more often and at times staying for 2-3 months at a time. We stuck a friendship during his recent visits. We talk about politics, astronomy (is was a professor) and yoga (my passion). I see him as a father figure and a friend. DH works in a hospital and I work from home. I take FIL out and about with me - grocery, school runs etc

He has been acting weird lately. Pinching my cheeks, Putting his hands on my shoulder, and yesterday on my waist. WTF !! I was totally taken back and he doesn’t seem to realise. He was never a “creep” IYKWIM. But this touchy behaviour is making me very uncomfortable. I don’t know how to tell him to stop without ruining our friendship.

OP posts:
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6
mangochops · 30/07/2023 10:22

Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 10:07

There is a reason I didn’t post in the last few weeks. It was cheek pinching and shoulder touching. although I didn’t like it, I put it down to being affectionate.

it has progressed to full hand on my back and yesterday my waist. All this from the back/side IYKWIM.

DH was always around, but perhaps distracted with something else or walking ahead of us.

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All the more reason to put in a firm boundary. Do you feel able to tell him you dont like it?- he seems very confident telling you his views, he needs to hear yours!

Blossomtoes · 30/07/2023 10:22

Skinthin · 30/07/2023 10:18

I don’t understand this drip feed..

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I do. It always happens when everyone doesn’t unanimously agree with the OP.

Naunet · 30/07/2023 10:26

Blossomtoes · 30/07/2023 10:22

I do. It always happens when everyone doesn’t unanimously agree with the OP.

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Everyone does agree though, that she shouldn’t have to tolerate unwanted touching, don’t they? It’s just the reasons he’s doing it that we don’t know and can only speculate on.

greyhairnomore · 30/07/2023 10:31

JFDIYOLO · 30/07/2023 08:05

You don't.

This is your husband's job, to protect you, to intervene when another man is making you feel uncomfortable.

If you haven't already told your DH, tell him what you've told us.

And tell him he's needed, to explain and reset that boundary.

You shouldn't have to feel double-uncomfortable by having to tackle that conversation as well as dealing with your reaction to the hands.

And perhaps he will listen, hear and respect it coming from another man.

It's not 1950 , men don't need to protect women.
She can tell him.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 30/07/2023 10:35

Blossomtoes · 30/07/2023 10:22

I do. It always happens when everyone doesn’t unanimously agree with the OP.

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So people are disagreeing that the op has the right to have her own boundaries and to enforce them?

Anyone who does needs to take a long hard look at themselves.

Pinching cheeks is not normal

WonderingWanda · 30/07/2023 10:37

The fact that you feel you need to find a way to tell him to stop in a way that won't ruin your friendship just sums up the imbalance of power between men and women. In the same way that we now teach children to have bodily autonomy so should you. It is perfectly acceptable for you to say 'Fil, I just need to mention that recently I've noticed you being more touchy with me and I have to say I don't like that so please could you stop'. No apologising or explaining. If he choses to be offended, and he may well do, that is his problem and you do not have to put up with something you dislike because it will keep the peace. Even if his intentions are innocent you are allowed to not like it. Would you tell a little girl that she must sit on her unlces knee so he doesn't get offended? This is the same in my mind and women need to stand up for themselves.

ButterCrackers · 30/07/2023 10:38

Your dh can have a word with his father. Perhaps he could hug him and put his arm through his when they go out. His dad might be missing out on touch.

Iwishmymumwouldbemymum · 30/07/2023 10:39

"stop. I don't like that" on repeat.

highlandcoo · 30/07/2023 10:41

Some men can be so wearisome in this way.

I recently had a frank exchange of views with an elderly man in a discussion group in our village. In the context of the MeToo movement, he was bemoaning that it wasn't possible to know what would offend women; how was he supposed to tell the difference between a friendly pat and a gesture that would be objected to?

I pointed out it's very simple. Just don't touch women you're not in a relationship with. Would he sidle up to my husband and give him a squeeze? No he wouldn't. Assume that women would much prefer - and have the right - to get on with their day without his hands on any part of their bodies. That just because he feels like touching them does not give him the right to do so. At all. So he should not do it.

At the end of the group, he crept over to me and said "Are we still friends? May I have a hug?" I said "No you may not." Christ.

fluffypinkclouds · 30/07/2023 10:45

I pointed out it's very simple. Just don't touch women you're not in a relationship with. Would he sidle up to my husband and give him a squeeze? No he wouldn't. Assume that women would much prefer - and have the right - to get on with their day without his hands on any part of their bodies. That just because he feels like touching them does not give him the right to do so. At all. So he should not do it

Exactly. Most men wouldnt go around pinching other men's cheeks, or touching other men's waists and wouldnt like it done to them by other men, so why do it to women?? That whole "I have no idea how to treat women because they get so offended!" is a garbage excuse and what it really means is "I dont want to stop touching women"!

Patcherdog · 30/07/2023 10:45

He may really miss an affectionate hug. Could your husband be more physically affectionate towards him, if it makes you uncomfortable? A human touch may be all that he craves.

BadNomad · 30/07/2023 10:47

Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 10:04

I can’t explain why, but this exactly how I feel too.

Show quote history

Yeah, it's a type of grooming. There is nothing obviously "wrong" in what he is doing, yet it doesn't feel right, but you gaslight yourself into thinking it is you who has the problem because he means no harm with what he's doing. You say things like "I don't like being touched" rather than "He shouldn't be touching me". Then you tentatively ask other people, and they back up the theory that it is you with the problem. And so it continues.

Just look at how Jimmy Saville behaved. He groped girls in plain sight, but people didn't see it. You can bet those girls felt uncomfortable, yet didn't feel able to speak out.

Mirabai · 30/07/2023 10:56

Rather than clod-footedly confronting him (whether you or DH). Every time he does it just say: “Ooo not comfortable with that” or “oh don’t like that” politely.

I spend a lot of time with old people and women do this as well. Age affects the brain in ways to reduce self awareness, restraint, filter etc - it doesn’t have to be dementia related. But it’s not impossible. Generally signs of dementia can start around 9 years before diagnosis. One gentleman I knew started to do this and it turned out to be a brain tumour.

In short - the change in behaviour certainly could be age related.

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/07/2023 11:00

I can’t believe some of the shit I’ve seen posted here.

The OP didn’t ask “why is my FIL touching me and how can I help him?”

She wants support in making it stop.

He has dementia? Irrelevant - the issue is supporting the OP in making sure the touching stops.

He’s missing physical contact with a woman? So fucking what?

@Bluesky5512 ignore all that utter bullshit. Step back when it happens and tell him clearly “I would rather you didn’t touch me please FIL” and then carry on as normal.

He is breaking boundaries so don’t feel a moment of discomfort about being straight with him.

Original poster
Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 11:01

Skinthin · 30/07/2023 10:16

Huh?? I thought you said he was lovely and you get on well?

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yes. Lovely most times. People are not perfect - are they?

OP posts:
ThePoetsWife · 30/07/2023 11:03

You say he has sexist views and this is clearly demonstrated in his actions - who the fuck pinches a grown woman's cheek?! And as for the hand in back and waist, that's just plain creepy.

It doesn't matter why he's doing it. What's important is that you don't like it and I wouldn't blame you as these actions are not appropriate.

Mirabai · 30/07/2023 11:05

He has dementia? Irrelevant.

It doesn’t sound like he does (at least not yet), but that’s a really dumb thing to say about dementia.

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/07/2023 11:06

@Mirabai It’s irrelevant to the issue.

Its not irrelevant to him, or his motives.

The relevant point is the OP needs support in how to beat make it stop.

ArcticSkewer · 30/07/2023 11:07

Start with a check up with his GP or equivalent. That won't as such help you to get him to stop touching you but at least you can identify the health related reason why it's started
I'm not sure what there is that can stop a person with dementia or parkinsons from displaying inappropriate sexual behaviour but perhaps there is medication. Once you know what you are dealing with then you can start to investigate that route
Be aware that this may also be happening or may start happening to other women he meets or is in contact with. The sooner it is addressed the better, in case of police involvement.
Have you raised this with other family members, in particular those who may be able to see other day to day changes that may be relevant for a health professional to know about?

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/07/2023 11:07

@Mirabai To be clear, of course dementia can cause these, and many other, behaviours: you’re correct.

But so the fuck what? The OP is suffering from unwanted touch. Let’s focus on supporting her in how to ensure it stops.

ChrisPPancake · 30/07/2023 11:10

highlandcoo · 30/07/2023 10:41

Some men can be so wearisome in this way.

I recently had a frank exchange of views with an elderly man in a discussion group in our village. In the context of the MeToo movement, he was bemoaning that it wasn't possible to know what would offend women; how was he supposed to tell the difference between a friendly pat and a gesture that would be objected to?

I pointed out it's very simple. Just don't touch women you're not in a relationship with. Would he sidle up to my husband and give him a squeeze? No he wouldn't. Assume that women would much prefer - and have the right - to get on with their day without his hands on any part of their bodies. That just because he feels like touching them does not give him the right to do so. At all. So he should not do it.

At the end of the group, he crept over to me and said "Are we still friends? May I have a hug?" I said "No you may not." Christ.

That he asked rather than just touching you sounds like at least some of your message got through 🤞

Mirabai · 30/07/2023 11:11

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/07/2023 11:06

@Mirabai It’s irrelevant to the issue.

Its not irrelevant to him, or his motives.

The relevant point is the OP needs support in how to beat make it stop.

For the sake of argument it’s of direct relevance. Dementia related behaviour changes would be handled very differently than if not, and the outcome would be different too. Stopping dementia related behaviour is a whole subject in itself.

pinkyredrose · 30/07/2023 11:12

JFDIYOLO · 30/07/2023 08:05

You don't.

This is your husband's job, to protect you, to intervene when another man is making you feel uncomfortable.

If you haven't already told your DH, tell him what you've told us.

And tell him he's needed, to explain and reset that boundary.

You shouldn't have to feel double-uncomfortable by having to tackle that conversation as well as dealing with your reaction to the hands.

And perhaps he will listen, hear and respect it coming from another man.

Yup, men generally don't listen to women, the man they're with however 🙄

AllotmentTime · 30/07/2023 11:13

I would go with moving away and a firm but friendly "remember I'm not really a touchy-feely person FIL"

Gives him an "out" of feeling that of course he knows that and respects it, he just forgot for a second there. It implies that it's your issue rather than his which is of course unfair, but that will help preserve your relationship.

If he's being a creep then it calls him out. If he's lonely and missing human contact hopefully that will remind him that you actually have the right to say no.

And then if he does it again, you can tell him to bloody well stop it and openly call on DH to back you up. Because if you've told him once nicely and he's not respecting that, then (IMO) he's forfeited any benefit of the doubt and needs to be told to get to fuck.

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