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Original poster

How to politely ask FIL to NOT touch me

510 replies

Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 07:38

I’ve known FIL for the last 15ish years. He is 75. He has been a thorough gentleman all through. Inlaws live in the US, we visit them every year. MIL passed away a couple of years ago in a sudden accident. Ever since FIL has been visiting us more often and at times staying for 2-3 months at a time. We stuck a friendship during his recent visits. We talk about politics, astronomy (is was a professor) and yoga (my passion). I see him as a father figure and a friend. DH works in a hospital and I work from home. I take FIL out and about with me - grocery, school runs etc

He has been acting weird lately. Pinching my cheeks, Putting his hands on my shoulder, and yesterday on my waist. WTF !! I was totally taken back and he doesn’t seem to realise. He was never a “creep” IYKWIM. But this touchy behaviour is making me very uncomfortable. I don’t know how to tell him to stop without ruining our friendship.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
JFDIYOLO · 30/07/2023 08:31

The point is - this is the OP's thread.
Her experience and her reaction to it. She's asked for advice on how to deal with something she doesn't know how to stop.
She's already uncomfortable.
Her husband could be making it all go away without her having to feel additionally uncomfortable with a conversation.

Incidentally OP, with the time and care you're spending on your lonely FIL is it possible he may have fallen in love with you?

Elderly people, widowed people are perfectly capable of falling in love.

mangochops · 30/07/2023 08:33

I agree with the blunt and polite approach. It doesnt matter what his reasons are, if someone doesnt want to be touched, that is the end of it and they shouldnt be touched.

As PP have suggested, I'd say "FIL, I really dont like being touched. I'm not a touchy feely person" then move the conversation on. Repeat every time it happens, firmly but politely. That isnt rude, its affirming a boundary, politely.

TucSandwich · 30/07/2023 08:34

"Gerroff!"

WilkinsonM · 30/07/2023 08:35

I would take his hand off wherever he put it without saying anything first and if he didn't get the hint I'd have to say something. It's awkward as hell though.

dawngreen · 30/07/2023 08:36

Try to get him to join a group with ppl his age. Then his attention will filter there instead.

moonlitwalks · 30/07/2023 08:37

Incidentally OP, with the time and care you're spending on your lonely FIL is it possible he may have fallen in love with you?

Elderly people, widowed people are perfectly capable of falling in love

I agree- its a bit coincidental thats it started happening now theyre spending lots of time together and having deep chats. He might not even be aware of his feelings but its coming out in touches. Shut it down, noone should be touched if they dont want to be

gogomoto · 30/07/2023 08:37

It could be the first sign of dementia, it was in my grandad, no inhibitions

AngelinaFibres · 30/07/2023 08:40

DustyLee123 · 30/07/2023 07:42

Are there any signs of dementia ? This can make them frisky.
Other than that you need to tell DH that he makes you feel uncomfortable and why.

This. My FIL started hugging me for just a bit too long. He was a big man and hugged increasingly tightly. I couldn't get away. It progressed to rubbing his groin against me. Horrible. His behaviour towards my young children changed at the same time ( became angry quickly) so it was the perfect excuse not to go. It was dementia revealing itself in its early stages

anythinginapinch · 30/07/2023 08:41

I came out with what I think is a corker the other day... "name, that's x times you've touched me today, t think that's enough don't you?" (Firm stare). Maybe that would work.

Original poster
Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 08:41

JFDIYOLO · 30/07/2023 08:31

The point is - this is the OP's thread.
Her experience and her reaction to it. She's asked for advice on how to deal with something she doesn't know how to stop.
She's already uncomfortable.
Her husband could be making it all go away without her having to feel additionally uncomfortable with a conversation.

Incidentally OP, with the time and care you're spending on your lonely FIL is it possible he may have fallen in love with you?

Elderly people, widowed people are perfectly capable of falling in love.

unlikely. We have strong polar opposite opinions on certain things. He has quite a conservative mindset (defining housework as a woman’s responsibility) and I call him out on things like that without hesitation.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 30/07/2023 08:43

It's ok to be direct. You don't have to prioritise his feelings over yours.

"Please don't do that, I don't like it" is a reasonable thing to say.

mangochops · 30/07/2023 08:43

Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 08:41

unlikely. We have strong polar opposite opinions on certain things. He has quite a conservative mindset (defining housework as a woman’s responsibility) and I call him out on things like that without hesitation.

Show quote history

But if he's that conservative/traditional then he should realise he shouldnt touch women surely? Having opposing views doesnt mean he doesnt have feelings for you. His wife died, he's lonely and you've been very caring towards him, its possible- you have no idea whats going on in his head

IWantOutDoI · 30/07/2023 08:44

Sweet, short and straight to the point is the best way. If he does it again just say, “hands off please! I’m am
not the huggy type and do not want to be touched”.

If he asks you way, don’t give him any reasons just say, with a smile if you wish, that that’s the way you prefer things to be and that’s it.

Original poster
Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 08:48

mangochops · 30/07/2023 08:43

But if he's that conservative/traditional then he should realise he shouldnt touch women surely? Having opposing views doesnt mean he doesnt have feelings for you. His wife died, he's lonely and you've been very caring towards him, its possible- you have no idea whats going on in his head

Show quote history

Absolutely. He never did this before. Never touched anyone like that. He never even touched his wife in public ! They didn’t hold hands etc.
That’s why all this feels so strange.

OP posts:
MzHz · 30/07/2023 08:51

Good god - what am I reading?

we drill into our dc that no means no, that we don’t have to be touched by anyone etc etc and here we have one of our own saying that she’s not happy with being touched and she’s told to get over herself and it’s not all about her and all kinds of apologists trying to gaslight her that it’s not something she has a right to reject.

@Bluesky5512 I think you need to be calm and direct. “Please don’t touch me like that, I don’t like it”

PurplePotatoMash · 30/07/2023 08:51

MIL does this with me (amongst other wierd shit) - when she goes in for an awkward hug, arm touch, comes right into my shoulder to speak to me, stands over me etc I literally dive away. I’ve had too many awkward convos with her to have another one so I just physically remove myself and have my DH on hand that when she goes to follow me eg to the bathroom he tells her to leave me alone.

You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone - if you don’t want touched you shouldn’t be touched. You want to maintain a nice relationship so you can say kindly - I’m just not a touchy person - but bottom line is you’re right to stand up for yourself.

ElleLeopine · 30/07/2023 08:51

I think I would find the cheek pinching most strange? That's totally bizarre and inappropriate! I can't imagine the context of how that occurs?

Ifulikepinacoladas · 30/07/2023 08:53

Denimdreams · 30/07/2023 07:57

Jesus Christ!
Women aren't support animals for men's needs!
So what if he needs " touch"
It's not for him to just go round touching anyone he likes.

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@Denimdreams couldn't agree more. The excuses made are depressing.

ChrisPPancake · 30/07/2023 08:53

Just remove his hand and say "please can you not?" Or as you've said here "I don't like to be touched."
Agree that you've slipped into being his 'default female' but that is absolutely not for you to facilitate!

Or you can tell him to fuck off, like I did to my fil Blush

Original poster
Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 08:53

MzHz · 30/07/2023 08:51

Good god - what am I reading?

we drill into our dc that no means no, that we don’t have to be touched by anyone etc etc and here we have one of our own saying that she’s not happy with being touched and she’s told to get over herself and it’s not all about her and all kinds of apologists trying to gaslight her that it’s not something she has a right to reject.

@Bluesky5512 I think you need to be calm and direct. “Please don’t touch me like that, I don’t like it”

Thank you.

OP posts:
PoseyFlump · 30/07/2023 08:57

@Bluesky5512 have you talked about this with your DH? What's his thoughts? Has it happened in front of your DH?

It could be dementia as pp have suggested or it could be an inappropriate expression of loneliness. Does he have a daughter? Sad all round really.

Naunet · 30/07/2023 08:58

ShiteRider · 30/07/2023 08:02

I don’t think she said they were? In fact I think she said whilst he might be seeking out human touch, if you’re not happy with it here are some strategies? Unless I’ve missed something (I do tend to skim rather than read to be fair).

Show quote history

Well yes, you missed all the pressure in the post implying that OP should put up with it and she’s weird not to. It’s gross.

Rathouse · 30/07/2023 08:59

TucSandwich · 30/07/2023 08:34

"Gerroff!"

🤣🤣🤣

Usedtolikefood · 30/07/2023 08:59

Do you really think pinching your cheek or putting hands on your shoulders is weird

Pinching someone’s cheeks is definitely weird. An man pinching an adult woman’s cheeks is definitely, definitely weird and inappropriate.

Original poster
Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 09:00

He has a daughter. I’ve never seen him do this to her.

OP posts: