How to politely ask FIL to NOT touch me

[Bluesky5512]

I’ve known FIL for the last 15ish years. He is 75. He has been a thorough gentleman all through. Inlaws live in the US, we visit them every year. MIL passed away a couple of years ago in a sudden accident. Ever since FIL has been visiting us more often and at times staying for 2-3 months at a time. We stuck a friendship during his recent visits. We talk about politics, astronomy (is was a professor) and yoga (my passion). I see him as a father figure and a friend. DH works in a hospital and I work from home. I take FIL out and about with me - grocery, school runs etc

He has been acting weird lately. Pinching my cheeks, Putting his hands on my shoulder, and yesterday on my waist. WTF !! I was totally taken back and he doesn’t seem to realise. He was never a “creep” IYKWIM. But this touchy behaviour is making me very uncomfortable. I don’t know how to tell him to stop without ruining our friendship.

I couldn't get hung up on someone touching my shoulder but pinching your cheeks is odd - something someone might do to a child back in the day.

I don't think you're being treated like a support animal - and anyway what's wrong with being supportive of a family member? I think you have to be a real man hater to come to that kind of conclusion here - he touched the OP's shoulder for god sake. This isn't someone you work with or some randomer it's your FIL of 15 years that you get on really well with and is lovely. I don't think he's hugely overstepped any boundaries, he might well put his hand on his daughters shoulder at some time you might just not have seen it - or maybe he knows she doesn't like being touched and so doesn't do it.

Next time he does something you don't like take a step back and look shocked and uncomfortable and say you're not a huggy touchy person. If he continues to do it then you can consider it a problem and decide what to do from there.

My mother's sister passed away and her husband got a bit touchy with her. She handled it by avoidance as much as possible, but in your case a direct 'I don't really like being touched' is needed. He may be starved for affection but this will ruin your relationship if he doesn't stop (and escalates).

I notice you don’t mention him touching her waist, why is that?

I don't think he's hugely overstepped any boundaries

You don’t get to decide OPs boundaries.

I'd push his hand(s) off and say "I don't like being touched other than by DH"

If he then does it again I'd push away again and be more brusque "I've told you NOT TO TOUCH ME, STOP DOING IT"

OP, tell his son and all other members of your family and tell FIL you don't want to be touched. He sounds like an arrogant prick to be honest, so don't expect an apology.

If he does it again after that, simply don't allow him in your home and don't visit. Whatever you do, I'd pull back massively from the relationship with him, if it was me, there would be no relationship after the waist thing .

It doesn’t sound sexual from what you have written here, though obviously vibe is everything and only you can feel that. You only saw him once a year before while now you have developed a strong bond. If he does it around others too it’s unlikely to mean anything untoward. He’s lost his wife, he’s realised how short life is and how much you need to appreciate those around you.
Of course you don’t need to accept touch if you don’t like it and you can gently tell him so while still letting him know you have that (fatherly) affection for him.
Does his daughter and son put the effort in or is a lot on you? Does he have friends? I know that’s difficult as he’s only visiting but it seems he spends a fair bit of time there.

Its not "lovely", the OP doesnt like it and it makes her feel uncomfortable. WTAF?

this will ruin your relationship if he doesn't stop

In my view, at least if I were in op's situation, FIL has already ruined it.

I can’t explain why, but this exactly how I feel too.

It sounds like he likes you and doesn't realize you don't like being touched. There is non red to analyze the reasons why just tell him that you don't like being touched.

I'd tell him as simply and directly as possible. No need to be shirty or do 'Paddington stares' just yet! You ask him to stop in the first place then if he continues you can be as shirty as you like.

If that were the case it’s unlikely that he’d do it in front of other people. If it were me I’d be asking my bloke to have a chat with him.

There is a reason I didn’t post in the last few weeks. It was cheek pinching and shoulder touching. although I didn’t like it, I put it down to being affectionate.

it has progressed to full hand on my back and yesterday my waist. All this from the back/side IYKWIM.

DH was always around, but perhaps distracted with something else or walking ahead of us.

Things have always been a bit strange with inlaws. They did nasty things (trying to push their male chauvinist ideas on us) and accused me of spoiling the relationship when I didn’t put up with it.

It's hard to draw a line in these situations. You have a good relationship and don't want to spoil it. How would he take it if you said something like. I'm really not a touchy feely kind of person and hands on interaction makes me uneasy.
I do a lot of hugging at work, I work in dementia care, some men do get a bit handsy, but I still give hugs, hold hands, hand on the shoulder type stuff. My Mothers partner got more touchy as he developed Dementia Not to say that's what he has. But he'd come in for a hug as they were leaving and I expected it each time and let him get that one big hug in only.

I think it's just a sign of affection as you've become closer.

I don't mean inappropriate affection. I mean the sort where you would touch you grandchild on the cheeks, shoulder or waist.

I think it's meant in a kind way.

Through my involvement in safeguarding, I am aware that this kind of behaviour can be an early sign of dementia. No-one can say for sure if that is the case here, but it may explain FIL's behaviour.

Are you British?

if so tell him that we’re not touchy feely like Americans so please don’t do that

This sounds completely dreadful.

Honestly I just wouldn't meet him any more and keep a huge physical distance in situations where you really have to. But that's me, I have a very low tolerance for unwanted touch.

I'd also tell dh so he understands why

To some extent it's a bit like when rookiedog barks at this poor man with a beard and shorts, it doesn't really matter why he does it, what is important is that you don't like it and want to stop.

Is your DH aware - if not I would mention it, not in a dramatic way, but so he knows. Next time FIL does it move away quickly, you could if you wanted go for an involuntary swot of his arm if he tries to snake it round you and say something firmly like "Please stop that."

I don't really know why he's doing it. I know my DM has recently gone from being pretty hands off and non touchy for most of my life to wanting hugs and things now she's in her 80s. I don't feel equipped to provide them as it's not how she chose to bring me up.

‘He might not think it’s creepy. Maybe he misses the human touch and affection and I don’t mean in a sexual way.’

My father was like this when my mother died. I made sure I always gave him a big hug and a kiss on meeting and saying goodbye.

Huh?? I thought you said he was lovely and you get on well?

I don’t understand this drip feed..

Take his hand away, hold and pat it - like you are reminding him he is an old person. If he touches your shoulder, pat him on the back - again, like an old person. It sounds like he has moved you into the default woman space in his life - not necessarily sexual, but certainly not what you want! Keep reminding him of the generational difference and that he's in the "dad" space.

Not at all, it’s all part of testing her boundaries, if it’s in front of other people and not obvious sexualised touching, it makes it even harder for OP to object.

It's not weird. I wouldn't like it either.