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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to politely ask FIL to NOT touch me

510 replies

Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 07:38

I’ve known FIL for the last 15ish years. He is 75. He has been a thorough gentleman all through. Inlaws live in the US, we visit them every year. MIL passed away a couple of years ago in a sudden accident. Ever since FIL has been visiting us more often and at times staying for 2-3 months at a time. We stuck a friendship during his recent visits. We talk about politics, astronomy (is was a professor) and yoga (my passion). I see him as a father figure and a friend. DH works in a hospital and I work from home. I take FIL out and about with me - grocery, school runs etc

He has been acting weird lately. Pinching my cheeks, Putting his hands on my shoulder, and yesterday on my waist. WTF !! I was totally taken back and he doesn’t seem to realise. He was never a “creep” IYKWIM. But this touchy behaviour is making me very uncomfortable. I don’t know how to tell him to stop without ruining our friendship.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Anothernamethesamegame · 30/07/2023 08:07

Personally I think you should be direct and blunt. I think you can do that in a kind way though. Next time he touches you just take one step back and say “could you not put your hand on my waist. I don’t like touch. Right I’m putting the kettle on, did you want a coffee”?

I wouldn’t fanny about it, just be blunt. Especially if he is with you a lot. Maybe mention to your DH, maybe he could up his hugs to his father.

I wonder if you need to be doing less with him when he is staying. Is he with you most of the day? Are there any groups (like walking groups) he could dip into while staying with you so he has other social interaction not just you?

Rathouse · 30/07/2023 08:07

DustyLee123 · 30/07/2023 07:42

Are there any signs of dementia ? This can make them frisky.
Other than that you need to tell DH that he makes you feel uncomfortable and why.

Good spot. How old is he? Sounds like you have been a good support but I would step back OP he will have to find a hobby or group to join.

Original poster
Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 08:07

ShiteRider · 30/07/2023 08:05

I have a family member who nursed a spouse through MND. They said that one of the hardest things was not having someone to hug them. Nothing remotely sexual.

I’m someone who really values human touch, I can’t imagine life without it.

Show quote history

I totally understand that. I provide him a lot of companionship. That’s all I can do.

would DH hugging him etc more often sort this problem for me?

OP posts:
ShiteRider · 30/07/2023 08:09

This is your husband's job, to protect you, to intervene when another man is making you feel uncomfortable.

No it’s not! In this instance, as it’s his dad maybe he could have a conversation if OP wants them to but I’d be absolutely fucking fuming if any man felt the need to act on my behalf.

Mummy08m · 30/07/2023 08:09

I don't have any advice op except that I'd absolutely hate this too. I'd hate it so much I don't think I could see him any more.

I do also value and crave human touch but it has to be from certain very select people (namely my dh and dd) and if even my mum or my MIL, who I both adore, started doing what you described I'd instinctively recoil. Let alone a man.

Yanbu basically and his reasons, whatever they are (I know nothing at all about dementia as others suggested) are irrelevant in my view. I'd hate it regardless.

urbanbuddha · 30/07/2023 08:09

would DH hugging him etc more often sort this problem for me?

I was just about to suggest that.

MRex · 30/07/2023 08:10

I hug my FIL, he likes hugs. I don't hug MIL because she doesn't, except from the children. Get your DH to hug him more, for sure. No real way of getting him to stop without making it awkward, because he isn't being inappropriate, but you'll have to tell him if you don't like it.

WeAreTheHeroes · 30/07/2023 08:10

The OP has identified her FIL has started touching her now they have a deeper connection. This is not a sign of dementia. Has he touched you in the presence of others or only when you're alone with him?

Rathouse · 30/07/2023 08:11

WimpoleHat · 30/07/2023 07:53

I don’t think it’s necessarily a sexual thing. (Not saying it definitely isn’t - don’t know the man!) In my experience, some people are just more “touchy” than others - and that can be their way of demonstrating closeness with friends/family members. I’m a little that way with my own family, I think? So it could just be his way of showing that he is thinking of you more like a DD than a DIL. (That said, a hand round the waist is about as far as propriety allows; if it starts being a hand on your bum, then it’s definitely moved into different territory!)

This is irrelevant to OP. She does not like it I wouldn't like it why is he touching her waist? This is a recent thing that has started.

urbanbuddha · 30/07/2023 08:12

You’ll probably have to tell him you’re uncomfortable being touched as well, otherwise he’ll just keep on touching both of you.

Original poster
Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 08:13

WeAreTheHeroes · 30/07/2023 08:10

The OP has identified her FIL has started touching her now they have a deeper connection. This is not a sign of dementia. Has he touched you in the presence of others or only when you're alone with him?

Happened in the presence of others too.

OP posts:
ShiteRider · 30/07/2023 08:13

Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 08:07

I totally understand that. I provide him a lot of companionship. That’s all I can do.

would DH hugging him etc more often sort this problem for me?

Show quote history

Maybe? If you think it works best with the dynamic of your relationship because it doesn’t sound like you want to have the conversation with FIL, maybe husband can talk to dad. If it’s difficult maybe he can make it into a lighthearted thing? ‘Blimey dad, you’re brave. Bluesky hates being touched, I’m surprised you’ve still got a hand left after you pinched her cheeks / touched her waist etc’ Then you make it clear by moving away each time.

AzureBlue99 · 30/07/2023 08:14

Sounds like he sees you as a daughter rather than an in law.

user1471505494 · 30/07/2023 08:15

HappiDaze · 30/07/2023 08:07

It's onset of dementia so you won't be seeing any signs but this is a sign

It is a sign of how many older people react when they have lost their life partner. Physical contact in a non sexual way is what a lot of people miss and want

Rathouse · 30/07/2023 08:15

WeAreTheHeroes · 30/07/2023 08:10

The OP has identified her FIL has started touching her now they have a deeper connection. This is not a sign of dementia. Has he touched you in the presence of others or only when you're alone with him?

He could well have dementia though. Perhaps it's the spending more time together and OP has noticed him been more touchy. You can't 100% say he doesn't have dementia there are different stages. Agree she needs to be firm and tell her DH.

MiniTheMinx · 30/07/2023 08:17

I agree with Anothernamethesamegame

Be blunt, straight to the point, address it straight away and move on. Don't make a big thing and drag it out. Body language, move, turn away, fold your arms, look directly at him and say "no" Be unequivocal, be assertive and only if you absolutely have to be prepared to discuss it.

Sometimes bigger issues are best dealt with in small ways.

WeAreTheHeroes · 30/07/2023 08:18

Okay - you need to tell him that it's not personal, but you don't want to be touched, by anyone. Speak with your DH about the best way to tell him.

Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 30/07/2023 08:18

Hi OP, it might be worth while for you to look up frontotemporal dementia. The behaviours you are describing are pretty typical of this.

Fraaahnces · 30/07/2023 08:20

DH hugging him isn’t going to help. He has become emotionally dependent on you and you need to simply tell him “I really don’t like being touched. Please don’t do that again.” It’s respectful and can’t be misinterpreted. You also need to go out without him and get him socializing with ppl his own age.

Rocknrollstar · 30/07/2023 08:21

The Chair of our art group used to do this. He always wanted to hug/kiss/ touch and I told him flat out to his face that he had to stand back from me and couldn’t touch me. For some reason, the other women in the group didn’t mind. I’m afraid all you can do is tell your FiL. He may think you are odd but at least he will stop his unwanted behaviour.

mistermagpie · 30/07/2023 08:24

Anothernamethesamegame · 30/07/2023 08:07

Personally I think you should be direct and blunt. I think you can do that in a kind way though. Next time he touches you just take one step back and say “could you not put your hand on my waist. I don’t like touch. Right I’m putting the kettle on, did you want a coffee”?

I wouldn’t fanny about it, just be blunt. Especially if he is with you a lot. Maybe mention to your DH, maybe he could up his hugs to his father.

I wonder if you need to be doing less with him when he is staying. Is he with you most of the day? Are there any groups (like walking groups) he could dip into while staying with you so he has other social interaction not just you?

I mean, this is the most adult and sensible way to approach it really. Just say you don't like it.

That said, my in laws are all huggy and kissy and even after years of me swerving it and outright explaining that I'm not a touchy person, they still do it. Some people think their need or personality trait of being a 'hugger' is more important than what other people need or want. Doesn't sound like this is him though, if it's new behaviour, so it might be easier to nip in the bud.

It's quite sad really, he's probably lonely and missing human contact and you have been lovely to him as a daughter figure, but this is a step too far and it's absolutely fine to say so.

tabulahrasa · 30/07/2023 08:26

Denimdreams · 30/07/2023 07:57

Jesus Christ!
Women aren't support animals for men's needs!
So what if he needs " touch"
It's not for him to just go round touching anyone he likes.

Show quote history

I’m pretty sure people are mentioning the lack of touching being an issue to put it into context for the op, not because they think she should be tolerating something she’s not comfortable with.

WimpoleHat · 30/07/2023 08:28

This is irrelevant to OP. She does not like it I wouldn't like it why is he touching her waist?

Of course the sentiment behind the action is relevant - otherwise, presumably she would’ve just yelled “take your hands off me!” like one would do if a stranger did it to you on the tube? (Clearly this is an option open to her - but the tone of the OP was that she wanted opinions a) as to the reasons behind it and b) how not to offend her FIL as far as possible.)

WunWun · 30/07/2023 08:30

I would just pointedly duck away whenever he does it and change the subject/not make eye contact.

PuzzledObserver · 30/07/2023 08:30

In what universe is pinching the cheek of another adult not weird? It’s something you do to a child. (Well, I wouldn’t myself - but it’s something some people do to babies and young children)

Or, possibly, it’s one of those “just between us” things that couples can get into. Maybe it was something he used to do to MIL and she didn’t mind, because it was part of their relationship.