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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to politely ask FIL to NOT touch me

510 replies

Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 07:38

I’ve known FIL for the last 15ish years. He is 75. He has been a thorough gentleman all through. Inlaws live in the US, we visit them every year. MIL passed away a couple of years ago in a sudden accident. Ever since FIL has been visiting us more often and at times staying for 2-3 months at a time. We stuck a friendship during his recent visits. We talk about politics, astronomy (is was a professor) and yoga (my passion). I see him as a father figure and a friend. DH works in a hospital and I work from home. I take FIL out and about with me - grocery, school runs etc

He has been acting weird lately. Pinching my cheeks, Putting his hands on my shoulder, and yesterday on my waist. WTF !! I was totally taken back and he doesn’t seem to realise. He was never a “creep” IYKWIM. But this touchy behaviour is making me very uncomfortable. I don’t know how to tell him to stop without ruining our friendship.

OP posts:
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6
Ifulikepinacoladas · 30/07/2023 09:00

@MzHz I know, my mind is blown. Always put the mens feelings first...

Naunet · 30/07/2023 09:00

HappiDaze · 30/07/2023 08:07

It's onset of dementia so you won't be seeing any signs but this is a sign

🙄 what amazing diagnosis skills you have, I hope ours out there teaching GPs this trick? Think of all the time it could save the NHS.

Yes it COULD be dementia, but just as much chance that he’s trying it on.

Naunet · 30/07/2023 09:01

*you’re

LordEmsworth · 30/07/2023 09:01

JFDIYOLO · 30/07/2023 08:05

You don't.

This is your husband's job, to protect you, to intervene when another man is making you feel uncomfortable.

If you haven't already told your DH, tell him what you've told us.

And tell him he's needed, to explain and reset that boundary.

You shouldn't have to feel double-uncomfortable by having to tackle that conversation as well as dealing with your reaction to the hands.

And perhaps he will listen, hear and respect it coming from another man.

So, single and gay women are fair game for men's wandering hands? Because only the bodies of women owned by other men are out of bounds? And it's ok to encourage men to not listen to women who say or show they are uncomfortable?

OP - I am the same, I don't like being touched, and the people close to me know that; I haven't been rude but I have made sure they are aware (and equally made an effort to, for example, hug when saying goodbye, because I know that it's important to them). As a PP has suggested - physically take his hands off you and say, "I'm not keen on being touched", smile and offer a cup of tea or something - then move on. Direct - even blunt - but friendly.

But yes I also agree with others that it might be a sign of dementia if it's a sudden & noticeable change in behaviour.

InSpainTheRain · 30/07/2023 09:01

I dont think you are weird at all OP. I would just say a firm but polite "please don't do that" and move on. It may fix it if he realises what he is doing - if it doesn't then be firmer and add a hard stare. Ramp up to stepping back from him with a "what are yiu doing?" Your nicer than me I'd had given a "what the hell?!? Don't do that!" At the first cheek pinch!

TenoringBehind · 30/07/2023 09:04

My first thought was dementia

EmmaPaella · 30/07/2023 09:07

Amazing how many dementia experts there are on MN.

BarbaraofSeville · 30/07/2023 09:08

@InSpainTheRain Pretty much what I was going to say.

The first time, ask him nicely not to do it, he may not realise it's inappropriate. Then if he does it again, be firmer and clearer about the request.

If he keeps on doing it, then it's time for DH to step in and have a chat with him 'DF, @Bluesky5512 has mentioned that you keep touching her and it makes her uncomfortable, so she's asked you to stop, but you keep doing it'.....

Bliss1221 · 30/07/2023 09:09

Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 08:02

Absolutely not making him sound like a creep or anything. He is lovely otherwise.

I do not like being touched. Why is that weird?

I dont see why some think this is wierd as well, i dont hug anyone beside my husband and my kids,i dont do greeting hugs or kisses on cheeks i like my private space tyvm.

and no if our fil misses womans touch he needs to get out there and find it from
someone else, i would tell him with a gentle smile you are not a tactile person, i have had to say that to some people and it has worked

Naunet · 30/07/2023 09:10

Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 09:00

He has a daughter. I’ve never seen him do this to her.

Well that tells you a lot. I wouldn’t be comfortable with his behaviour either, and I think you need to say something. He doesn’t care if him touching you is making you uncomfortable, so don’t fear making him uncomfortable by telling him not to do it.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 30/07/2023 09:12

I'd say something along the lines of 'ohh no, that's no appropriate FIL' and then follow it with a laugh and a conversation change, if he carries in then I'd be having a string, 'don't touch me' chat.

Ohhhhhhhhh · 30/07/2023 09:16

Agree it's uncomfortable and I'd hate it too. I'd pointedly move away from him every time he does it. A big step away. Hopefully he'll get the hint without you having to say anything. If not then you can always add in a shudder for effect

CinnamonJellyBeans · 30/07/2023 09:16

Yuk. You need to be firm and direct.

Get a friendly cat that doesn't mind being petted.

Chowtime · 30/07/2023 09:22

Dementia, another type of illness, or a side effect of a medication he's on.

mangochops · 30/07/2023 09:34

Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 09:00

He has a daughter. I’ve never seen him do this to her.

This speaks volumes then- its not just about wanting affection, its only happening with you. Definitely tell him you dont like it.

coffeeisthebest · 30/07/2023 09:36

I don't agree that the why matters here. If he has something diagnosable it will come out in due course. You don't like it and it makes you uncomfortable. Move out of the way so he can't reach you or if this doesn't work then tell him to stop. Don't ask. This is a million miles away from being ok. If you are not ok with being touched then that is enough.

truthhurts23 · 30/07/2023 09:37

He’s not got dementia he’s just a perv like most men, I bet he doesn’t touch you when your husband is there
next time he does it I wouldn’t be polite about it

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 30/07/2023 09:43

WimpoleHat · 30/07/2023 08:28

This is irrelevant to OP. She does not like it I wouldn't like it why is he touching her waist?

Of course the sentiment behind the action is relevant - otherwise, presumably she would’ve just yelled “take your hands off me!” like one would do if a stranger did it to you on the tube? (Clearly this is an option open to her - but the tone of the OP was that she wanted opinions a) as to the reasons behind it and b) how not to offend her FIL as far as possible.)

Just to say, this doesn't always happen. It's freeze, fight or flight. We often like to think we'd fight, but in reality we don't know. I froze.

ZairWazAnOldLady · 30/07/2023 09:44

Does he do it when dh is there?

Thosepeskyseagulls · 30/07/2023 09:44

jump away and say, unapologetically, in front of others, “I’m not a touchy-feely person”.

BicOrange · 30/07/2023 09:48

Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 08:07

I totally understand that. I provide him a lot of companionship. That’s all I can do.

would DH hugging him etc more often sort this problem for me?

Show quote history

Yes, he needs a hug!

There is some research on this, I'll try to find out.

moonlitwalks · 30/07/2023 09:51

BicOrange · 30/07/2023 09:48

Yes, he needs a hug!

There is some research on this, I'll try to find out.

Show quote history

His son and his daughter can hug him then. But OP says he only touches her.

BadNomad · 30/07/2023 09:51

It sounds like he's testing your boundaries. He's starting small with little touches that look innocent.

Mummy08m · 30/07/2023 09:51

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 30/07/2023 09:43

Just to say, this doesn't always happen. It's freeze, fight or flight. We often like to think we'd fight, but in reality we don't know. I froze.

Show quote history

Yes to this. Everyone I know sees me as a strong outspoken type but when something like this has happened to me I have frozen each time.

My solution is to utterly avoid men who do this, if I can.

Op if you still want to meet FIL, keep yourself the other side of a table or similar. Don't meet him alone. If he walks towards you, move away. Keep meetings short. That's what I'd do.

Most solutions outlined above start with "next time he does it, say xyz" - I don't disagree with this advice at all obviously but for me, this type of incident is so unbearable I wouldn't let there be a next time.

Life is too short to spend time with men who make you uncomfortable.

BadNomad · 30/07/2023 09:51

Do step away from his touch. Let him see that you are uncomfortable with that even if you don't feel able to say anything yet.