Can I just say that life as an ugly woman is horrible.

[SundayMorningTeaForOne]

I’m going to get very personal, so I’ve name changed for this one.

I hope we can be grown-up about this topic and no one’s going to hit me with the ”everyone’s beautiful in their own way” or claim that I have self-esteem issues.

Anyway, when I was younger boys really wanted to let me know how ugly they found me, so often made comments when I walked by.

When older I was loading some stuff in the car and men walked by and made those truck in reverse beeb-beeb-beeb sounds, you know letting me know I’m fat.

When out, men don’t talk to me, I’m not saying they have to be interested in me - this isin’t even what I mean, they complitely ignore me, talk to everyone else around us/ table, I’m air apperently.

I’m turning 40 next year. Never been on a date, never even been asked out on a date. So if anyone here want to argue my ugliness must be in my head, what more proof do you need.

Getting older has woken me up to the fact that I’m not going to have kids, I don’t have enough money and only family members I have I my prent and the way that they are, they are not going to support me with a child, so I can’t have a child on my own.
I don’t have enough resourses.

I can’t ger over the fact that I’ve went through life and never been loved.
No one’s ever cared about me, no one saw me as someone they’d (at least try) want to share and build a life with.
Always doing everything on my own, how tired I have become, I didn’t even notice it until I felt totally broken.
My cat died almost two years ago, she was the only one I’ve ever said good morning and good night to, now I just say to an empty room.
How sad is that?!

I honestly don’t know what keeps me here, why did I stay here for all these years. To still be alone.
Everyday I get up and go for a walk, no matter the weather, and feel like an idiot for doing that.

And in case someone wants to jump and say I must have depression, I just want to remaind that this is my life, had been always.
I’m just getting it all out. I think anyone would be very extatic if this is how their life had gone.
I had hope when I was younger / was happier, years / decades roled by and it wore me down.
That’s it.

Just throwing this out there, what are your standards like? I have both male and female friends who are 'average', but they're still holding out for that top 10% man/woman.

It's sad the number of attractive men/women out there who have not learned from their mistake of dating other attractives, as these 'often' come with the arrogance, player, demanding, shallow personalities (I know, generalisation!)... and those more average/ugly people that have a similar ambition.

As is cliché, it's often those 'friend-zoned' people that are the best. Any male friends you're possibly overlooking? :)

I'm sorry you feel like this.

I wasn't always ugly per se. I had attention from men when I was younger and have had bfs, kids and am married now. But I have definitely lost my looks and put loads of weight on with age. People do treat you differently. I get the feeling of being invisible when you're out and about. I think all women become invisible to a point when they get past their best, it's a depressing reflection of how society values women.

If it would make you feel better then try and lose some weight. Could you increase your pace on your walks? Make it into a jog then a run? Maybe even join a running club to meet people? Where we live the council puts on well-being walks which might also suit you.

A good skincare routine is another good tip for feeling better about yourself. Doesn't have to be fancy products, I use a cleanser, toner and night cream from the body shop. Also lash serum every night.

Do you actively try to meet people? Because really it's the only way to try and combat your loneliness. Do you work? Trust me there are thousands of people out there who aren't visually attractive, not all of them are lonely and miserable. You do have the ability to change things if you want to. You sound like a nice person who has a lot to give.

Haven't rtft, but you know that pretty women get negged/downright insulted by random tossers too, right? Including being told they are ugly. Just tell the idiots to f off.

Ignoring happens to most women over a certain age/weight, but again, it reflects on the men behaving rudely and not the women.

Chin up OP, we're all ugly and invisible in the end. It clearly doesn't stop women reproducing or the uglies would have gone extinct by now!

@HappiDaze
“I think what I'd do is maybe pay for a makeup artist who you like the sound of when you talk to them over the phone to give you some good contouring and enhancing tips

Or go on YouTube and copy what make up artists do to transform your face into something that makes you happier with yourself”

Just the worst advice. People who do contouring look awful in real life. On camera it’s a different thing. Heavy make up rarely looks good on anyone who isn’t already quite attractive.

OP, I’m so sorry you feel this way. You don’t need to use make up. I get that this isn’t an easy “fix”. But I hope you can find people who will love you for you.

All the bullying shits at school made sure to tell me I was ugly (which was rich, coming from some of them). I was also intelligent and liked reading, and wasn't interested in boys, which made me doubly unacceptable. I didn't cop the same abusive shit you did as an adult, because by the time I started to get fat I was at the age of invisibility anyway.

I'm sixty now. I have never dated. Wouldn't have mattered if any man had been interested, because I never set eyes on one outside a painting who I found remotely attractive. (And yes, I am heterosexual.)

I have lots of sympathy, but no advice except to get another cat, or a bonded pair if you can afford it.

I am so sorry you feel this way.

We live in a world ruled by patriarchy. You have internalised this and believe that your worth is tied to how you look and how men perceive you. You believe that the only valuable and meaningful way of living a life as a woman is as a romantic partner to a man and a mother of a child. Society tells this to women from birth - we are quite literally socialised as women to see our lives as incomplete without a male partner and without children. This leaves many women whose lives don’t fit this pattern feeling lost and alone because society isn’t created for women. That doesn’t mean women can’t be happy if they don’t have a partner or a child, it’s just harder to be, because you’re living in a world that’s set up to encourage you to do the opposite.

The way you look has no bearing on how happy you can be. You have told yourself a story from a very young age - that you are ugly and therefore have no worth. You can rewrite that story, but you might need some help to do so. Getting some CBT based support from a counsellor could help you reframe how you see yourself in relation to the world. You are so focused on how other people see you, which has externalised your locus of control. You are allowing your perceptions of how other people see you to dictate the way you feel about yourself. You need to learn to shift that to an internal locus, where your positive feelings about yourself dictate how you see the world, giving you back control and confidence.

What you look like and how attractive you are deemed to be does not automatically lead to successful relationships and a happy life - look at all the gorgeous celebrities who commit suicide, are deeply
depressed, have multiple unsuccessful marriages and so on. A PP has already described how being beautiful can be a curse. I concur. I am conventionally beautiful - I have no shame in saying so - I was born this way and have good genes, it’s nothing I’ve earned - just luck of the draw. I get my looks from my mum, who was a professional model. Everywhere I go I am stared at, shouted at, touched and so on by random men. I have never managed to have any meaningful male friendships because they all end up wanting to sleep with me. At work I am not taken seriously by male colleagues. I have been promoted and given jobs because of my looks and told so after the event, which has had a huge impact on my confidence in myself as a professional. Lots of women don’t like me because they see me as a threat. I actually prefer being single so am not in a relationship and have a wonderfully happy life by myself - but am constantly harangued by people who can’t believe/can’t understand why I’m single and so on. It’s exhausting. I’d much rather be ordinary looking. I hate all the attention and I hate how people judge me solely on what I look like - which is not something I have any control over. I have achieved a lot through my hard work in life and I would love for people to be interested in me for that rather than what I look like. The only compliments I receive are connected to my face/body/hair/clothes - it’s dispiriting. I’m an intelligent woman with a lot of interests and yet I’m reduced to nothing but a mannequin by most people. So beauty really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings and for seeking support. That’s not an easy thing to do. I hope you’ll find this thread helpful and that it will give you some encouragement to start living the life you want for yourself.

Yup, it's, shit. I have had partners, not good ones but partners nonetheless. I am ugly, it's shit when you realise that when young. I have a big old bonce, not something that is valued as a woman, so many people take the piss out of women for a big forehead, I look at them and I'm confused, it's much smaller than mine haha.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. That's awful. I'm not going to comment too much on the ugliness thing - I know that you definitely believe you're ugly and other people can't really change that. Have you ever properly looked at most people as you walk around though? Most of them aren't particularly attractive. Most people are average. I'm just thinking of the people I know and I'd say some of them would definitely be considered unattractive and have some quite unusual features but they're mostly in relationships and have children. You don't need to have model looks to meet someone and have babies or humans would have died out.

Honestly, it just sounds like a load of scummy men have made you feel this way about yourself. It's always fucking men. I've got cancer and it has made me really ugly. People stared at me all the time because it was obvious I have cancer and I'm only in my early thirties. I hated it. I never realised how much people who look visibly different have to put up with stuff like that before. It's shocking.

Can you look into the sperm donor route if you want children? Do you think you could be a single parent? It seems a shame to have to miss out on something you want because of not having met anyone yet.

The thing is, it’s your son who has medical problems and a lovely girlfriend. If you had a daughter with a ton of medical problems, I can all but guarantee that there wouldn’t be a lovely boyfriend willing to put up with it. Which is incredibly sad. But true.

OP, maybe a bit of therapy could help? As well as the suggestions upthread: lose a bit of weight, haircut, nice makeup (if you think this would make you feel better), take up a hobby, book club etc. You may not meet a man to have a child with but life with good friends can be very rewarding.

I had facial and jaw surgery for (medical as well as vanity) overbite and protruding chin, in my 20s, a childhood of cruelty from everyone certainly never goes away and before that surgery no member of the opposite sex had voluntarily spoken to me. I’d be single now without the surgery, not because there wasn’t someone who’d of liked me but my childhood had destroyed me. It took a few years to except that a few men found me attractive after surgery, still more plain than beautiful.

OP would you consider a course like this?
https://www.learndirect.com/course/confidence-building

Or self-refer to your local IAPT service to talk about self-esteem (could be a long wait).

I really think you need to put in some psychological work now into looking at your low self-esteem and even your childhood. It won’t change your looks but it could help you build your confidence from the inside. A worthwhile investment but not easy x

I remember being 25 and feeling like I was missing out because I didn’t look good and couldn’t bring myself to date. But now I look back at pictures of myself at that age and I actually looked so nice

OP, much of the time, it really isn't beauty that attracts men. I mean that. I'm far from attractive. I am quite overweight, I've got androgenic alopecia so my hair is very very thin at the front, I have facial hair that is quite obvious, I'm pale so the dark stubble really shines through.no clothes look nice on me as I've got skinny skinny legs but a huge tummy. My trousers are never fitted but by gosh, nothing ever skims my tummy.

But I have been in relationships.

I do what I can to make the best of myself, that's generally trying with clothes and different make up, and styling the little bit of hair I do have.

I also want to say, being in a relationship doesn't mean you're loved. I don't think I ever have been either. I've always been the one to catch people when they fall, not once has anyone ever tried to catch me when I've been on my way down.

I know of a very ugly woman, like hideous and she has a husband who actually isn’t that bad looking. Are you sure you wear your hair and make up in a way that’s the most attractive? A hairstyle can make all the difference and so can a bit of make up. And also the clothes you wear, are they flattering for you? I know of a couple big ladies but they really do dress well and look good.

Some people are not aesthetically attractive. It’s true. I have also known women who are what might be called ‘ugly’ who have husbands. My BIL is normally attractive and has never had a girlfriend ( despite very much wanting a wife and kids) and he’s now early 50s. It’s obvious to me why. It’s because of how he presents himself: , he walks on this earth like he is apologizing for his own existence.

it’s understandable that life has ground you down. Can you get out more, join clubs and societies, meet new people, gain new skills and interests, maybe even hire an actor to help you look at how you present yourself and present yourself more confidently? You probably won’t have kids now but you could still have an interesting life with friends and you could still find a partner.

I agree with other posts that say if you work on your inside it will matter less what is on the outside.
There are „ugly“ people out there living happy fulfilling lives. It’s easy to channel all problems into „it’s because of my ugly face.“ People may have used that as a way to channel their unkindness, especially in childhood. That’s their excuse, but not their reason. The reason is they were unhappy too.
Ugliness can be an advantage if you know how to use it. Yes, there are obvious advantages given to beautiful people. But there are less obvious disadvantages for them, and less obvious advantages for us ugly ones.
But you won’t access them if you can’t accept your face is your face. It was given to you through life, and it’s uniquely yours, so own it.
The rest - the body, the clothes, the hair. If you really want it go get it.
On another note, I read a thread the other day about someone who couldn’t stand looking at their feet if their toenail’s weren’t painted.
I thought thank god that isn’t my life. Thank god I have my ugly nose and puffy eyes to look at every morning, to not even have to worry about my feet. Thank god I can love my feet for carrying me places and allowing me to walk and swim in the pool and dance. Thank god I have other things to spend my time on and enjoy that are far too important than a bit of paint.
I probably have much uglier feet than the poster. I have bunions. Broke a toe dancing once and it’s all deformed. Lost two toenails after a marathon and they are all misshapen. Blisters that have just become part of my feet. Hard skin from walking barefoot in summer. But god I love my feet because I have learned to have that perspective and instead prioritize the things that make me happy over the things that don’t.

Every day take the ugliest thing about you and find a way to love it. Then move onto the next thing the next day.

Could you start to work on your appearance, make it your mission? Try to lose some weight, nothing drastic just enough for you to feel a sense of accomplishment. Learn how to use make up, fake tan etc (all the people you probably class as attractive wouldn't look the same without these). As pp's have said, you can use YouTube or go to a make up artist for tips (YouTube might be easier place to start if you're self conscious about speaking to a real person). Get your hair done, have a big change to mark your new dedication to your appearance! Looking after yourself like this isn't shallow or self obsessive, it empowers you.

to go back to disfigaments and looks I have a child with a major disability that makes him look v abnormal. It is all you see at first but as he also.has learning disabilities he doesnt know he looks any different to anyone else so he just gets on with it.
And oh my goodness you have never met a bigger personality. Everyone who knows him loves him and he is always talked of with such love and affection even by people who have only known him briefly.
In fact only the other day a nurse went into.his old school that he left a year ago and she said to me that he is talked about like some kind of rockstar by all the staff who knew him .
She doesnt know him herself so was a bit.taken back but I think this says it all. It is confidence and acceptance that attracts people. Few of us are beautiful and the good news is looks are much less important as you get older so you are on the cusp of that stage and that will help .
So find your acceptance of yourself. Follow the dreams you want. What are you passionate about ?
If it is animals then pour your life into helping them. Foster cats , look at volunteering , pursue your dream job etc etc. And yes lots of older people adopt children ( I am one of them) .
Please dont give up on yourself. You are unique and can do something unique with your life. .Anyway I sound a bit psychobabbly now so will shut up but wish you all.the luck in the world moving forward. x

Do you go to work OP? Do you do any type of hobby/class? This isn't because of how you look at all. Read the single parent board.... are we all single mothers because of our faces? Chin up lovely!!

Download a dating app but be warned it isn't easy and you get all sorts on there but it's difficult to meet someone organically even when you do have a social life.

I think you have reached mid life and you are now getting cross at the way certain people in society have treated you. Good for you, sounds like you’ve taken this shit lying down for too long. So now you’re having your fuck you moment what are you going to do with it. Propel yourself further into dispair or use this energy in a positive way.

Ugly people do find life partners, so it is not impossible. I have horses and a lot of women who struggle with human relationships find great contentment, love and form strong meaningful friendships through horses. There are ways to live your life where you are not judged on your looks - I hope you can find your way.

At least no one has piped up with that bloody Roald Dahl quote

Ugly is a terrible word. Most people are fairly average looking, some are stunners and some are slightly less attractive. Either way, it's nothing to do with how you look. I know stunning single women who can't find a boyfriend and I also know some quite unattractive women who are happily married. Not being able to find a partner is much more about confidence than anything else.

Sorry you are feeling so low...I actually think you should probably talk to someone professional or see your GP.

When older I was loading some stuff in the car and men walked by and made those truck in reverse beeb-beeb-beeb sounds, you know letting me know I’m fat.

What made you come to that conclusion , OP ? I think you suffer from very low self esteem , you don't value yourself .

You have only mentioned men , do you have female friends , colleagues at work who you get on with ? I think , perhaps, it could partly be your attitude , not meant unkindly but it does come across in your post .

Sorry op but you do sound terribly depressed. And only you can get yourself out of it.
One of my close friends has quite a severe facial disfigurement and despite how people may stare and have made comments when we were younger she lives a happy and fulfilled life.
Many of my friends are overweight (me included) and don't have the face of conventionally attractive people but they have self acceptance and confidence, which is attractive.
When you're so obviously down on yourself you won't attract people into your life as it's quite uncomfortable to be around tbh.
Would you consider therapy to work on your self esteem? And exercise class to focus on your health and meet some new people? A visit to a hair salon, manicure, maybe a make up lesson? Sure the latter 3 are a bit shallow but they can make you feel a bit better.