Can I just say that life as an ugly woman is horrible.

[SundayMorningTeaForOne]

I’m going to get very personal, so I’ve name changed for this one.

I hope we can be grown-up about this topic and no one’s going to hit me with the ”everyone’s beautiful in their own way” or claim that I have self-esteem issues.

Anyway, when I was younger boys really wanted to let me know how ugly they found me, so often made comments when I walked by.

When older I was loading some stuff in the car and men walked by and made those truck in reverse beeb-beeb-beeb sounds, you know letting me know I’m fat.

When out, men don’t talk to me, I’m not saying they have to be interested in me - this isin’t even what I mean, they complitely ignore me, talk to everyone else around us/ table, I’m air apperently.

I’m turning 40 next year. Never been on a date, never even been asked out on a date. So if anyone here want to argue my ugliness must be in my head, what more proof do you need.

Getting older has woken me up to the fact that I’m not going to have kids, I don’t have enough money and only family members I have I my prent and the way that they are, they are not going to support me with a child, so I can’t have a child on my own.
I don’t have enough resourses.

I can’t ger over the fact that I’ve went through life and never been loved.
No one’s ever cared about me, no one saw me as someone they’d (at least try) want to share and build a life with.
Always doing everything on my own, how tired I have become, I didn’t even notice it until I felt totally broken.
My cat died almost two years ago, she was the only one I’ve ever said good morning and good night to, now I just say to an empty room.
How sad is that?!

I honestly don’t know what keeps me here, why did I stay here for all these years. To still be alone.
Everyday I get up and go for a walk, no matter the weather, and feel like an idiot for doing that.

And in case someone wants to jump and say I must have depression, I just want to remaind that this is my life, had been always.
I’m just getting it all out. I think anyone would be very extatic if this is how their life had gone.
I had hope when I was younger / was happier, years / decades roled by and it wore me down.
That’s it.

How many people are truly model beautiful? A very small percentage. We are held to such unattainable beauty standards.
In some countries being fat is seen as attractive. If you really are fat why not try to eat healthy and exercise, not to be thin but to be healthy.
When I went to private school, I was bullied mercilessly for being ugly. Looking at old photos, I was not.
After private school men found me attractive but only to shag me.
Not I am 45, I am older, wrinkly and therefore ignored again.
Another example of changing beauty standards. In the 90s, the fashion for eyebrows was to pluck them ti nearly nothing...it was deemed beautiful. Now the fashion is to have massive brows...also beautiful.
I think you should seek councelling. Did your parents put you down?

Sorry you feel this way. You don't seem to like yourself much. My cousin's girlfriend is what I'd call very unattractive. I was so taken aback when I 1st met her. Cousi,n is handsome and I know some snide comments have been made. But, I like her. She's friendly and sociable. Dresses well, hair always done nicely, keeps quite fit etc so she makes the most of herself it seems to me. Being facially unattractive didn't stop her meeting someone. She has a warm personality .

We simply don't live in a world where swathes of beautiful people pass by us every day, and all couples are gorgeous. & Media beauty standards are silly. Unattractive people all over the place have partners so its obviously about more than looks. Make an effort to practice some self-care. Exercise, have your hair and nails done, wear clothes that fit you well. Do things you love even if just little things. Get another pet. You dont have to be beautiful to do all that and it could go towards making you feel better about yourself.

You have every right to let off steam about it OP. It's hard and demoralising to know you aren't ever going to come close to society's idea of how a woman should look and to be ignored for this.

But (you can ignore the but if you don't want to read on) I think it helps not to focus on it. Not to dwell on it. Life is wide and why the hell should your life be limited by your looks.

If you take care of yourself - look after your care, skin, nails, teeth, brows, wear clothes that reflect your personality and keep fit, if you draw energy from what you love in life, whether its work, creativity, campaigning etc, then you have a rich, good life. You're clearly not a fool and it takes 2 seconds to find countless stories online of beautiful women who have disastrous or tragic lives, abused by men or simply unable to cope with life itself. Beauty can be helpful in life. It isn't the answer to happiness or love.

Wondering what it is about her face that makes her very unattractive?

I can across this post while browsing for something Else and had wanted to comment. I share many of your feelings op. I was never attractive growing up and was always bullied in secondary school. Looking back now, it wasn't that I was unattractive as such, I just had no self confidence. When I was about 21 I somehow became a lot more attractive to people, I lost an extreme amount of weight due to an eating disorder which I would never ever recommend anyone do. It kinda saddens me that the most attention I ever got was when I looked so unwell and actually vulnerable.

Fast forward to now, I'm 42, growing to love and accept myself for the first time probably in my life and it's funny because even though I think I look good, I'm almost totally invisible to the majority of people which has made me see how shallow and fleeting a lot of society sees beauty.

So many others on this thread have given some wonderful advice that I'm going to read back on aswell. Hope you are doing ok @SundayMorningTeaForOne

I'm now 64 and feel the same plus age is now creeping up...

Not sure the make-up lady gets the point, but ok. Look, life is just that. Life. Nothing more or less really. I'm in the same boat as you. Have come to terms with it by simply acknowledging this is a blip in the grand scheme of things, and 50-100 years from now, won't matter at all. In the meantime, find another cat, or a pet. Makes this blip more bearable. All you can do.

OP, most women are statistically happier without a male partner and children. This was a godsend for you.

I hear this figure mentioned a lot but I'm not clear if it applies to women who have never married/had a long term cohabiting partner and children, or women who have but are now single and glad to be out of the relationship, and whose children are now grown/independent or close to it.

I have 5 aunts. The 4 who married and had children are now dealing with the following:

>an eating disorder
>a husband who is gay
>a husband who claims he never loved her and is squatting in her home
>complete destitution

The eldest aunt did not stay married or have kids and she now has a paid off home in a lovely city in California with a pool and is at least 10x happier than all four of her sisters.

I'm sorry to hear of all the trouble your family has suffered. I'd still like to know the facts on a population level.

It may well be true across the board in general and for women who never married or had kids, I'm not denying anything. But I'd like to know what the original research found. If anyone has a relevant link, perhaps to the original research, I'd be interested.

It's sad that you feel like that, but I think you are basically right - attractive people do have easier lives, generally speaking.

You can change your body to a certain extent, by hairdressing, makeup, losing weight and wearing nice clothes, but the problems are inside your head. If you can be self confident, I think you would be happier. And do get another cat.

Sorry but where did you hear that attractive people have easier lives?

There are attractive people who have children die, who get molested, or lose limbs.

It's quite well documented.

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/general/the-good-the-bad-the-ugly-why-attractive-people-are-successful/

Obviously it doesn't guarantee you a great life with no problems, and there are times it can cause trouble. But when all else is equal, it's an advantage over being ugly.

Would anyone who is beautiful prefer to be ugly?

I'll trade my beauty with you and you can take the harrowing, gut-wrenching memories that make my life barely liveable, thanks!

People always say this about any commonly understood advantage, wealth, looks, privilege. The answer is that attractive AND unattractive people/ rich/poor/advantaged/disadvantaged all suffer personal tragedy. If being unattractive meant you were guaranteed never to suffer bereavement or life changing injury or be molested, then it would be reasonable to say attractive people don't have it easier. But you're as likely to suffer misfortune whatever you look like, the difference is the attractive/rich person has enjoyed advantages the unattractive/poor person hasn't.

OK you take my looks and also the traumatic and pervasive memory of holding the grey, cold, lifeless body of the person I love most in the world.

Thanks!

No one is saying it's better to be beautiful than not have one's loved ones die. They are saying its easier to be attractive than not. I'm sorry for your loss.

Pile on and give me shit, but I'm just going to give me thoughts.

I've known many 'unattractive' people. Because as a society, we tend to disregard them as worthy, imo they often become quite (understandably) pissed off and act it. They're the kind of people you steer clear of, simply because they seem so fucking angry.

Is it surprising? No. They are treated as lesser beings. But their simmering anger comes off them in waves and for me, that is what puts me off.

The 'unattractive' person who doesn't give a shit and is funny AF IS attractive to me.

What am I? I can look plain as hell. I can doll up and be better than average. But I've also realised it's my personality that tends to attract in either presentation.

*unworthy.

Look up the Halo Effect

I'm a 5ft 2 man. Always felt overlooked especially for the best paid jobs. I'm not particularly attractive most days and when I take a step back in the mirror I do feel horrified by how small i am
My confidence is flat too and I'm balding which isnt great.i know people have treated me less well because of my height but as my teacher said we all have something we don't like about ourselves
I have minimal family support and I come from a culture where English people assume it's full of parties and food.
My parents didn't care much for financial support to a basic level, were happy to let me have a breakdown. I spent many years poor and stagnant.
I'm on sabbatical now and spent 12 months prior working 7days, 80 hours. I'd go to my parents and relatives who don't give a stuff about them enjoying themselves at midnight. Don't give a sht if I feel uncomfortable. I spent that time literally thinking about suicide at work
One thing I've learnt in life is there really is someone always worse off than you in every sense.
My advice if you can take unpaid time off, go to a slum in India and you will see people with horrific disabilities begging in the same spot everyday, people who have dwarfism going out selling tea from a flask,.blind people going out to beg, ugly people too, little old grannies sleeping on pavements with toddler grandkids.
All these people have it tough like you but they get on with it like you and they probably have it worse because they don't earn and have to beg to survive or earn peanuts(£80 a month)

It is good that you go for walks daily. I'm guessing you feel lonely too. I do and did too but since coming out here feel better.
The weather is good everyday and people are out working in blazing sun. There is a buzz and activity and seeing people underprivileged from bodily aspect puts things in perspective. No one even noticed you out here because everyone is just the same.
The UK is lonely. Social networks are disintegrating and family values. Mornings are completely silent , no one out on the streets and inequality can make people feel lonely

Come and see in India or visit a local charity. You will realise you have a value and purpose. There are people like you who have less hope because of poverty and disability and you have some luck more than you think

Wishing you all the best

Re halo effect, yes, when I was a single parent looking for a job, nobody threw me a bone. I am very average looking. I sensed my own low social capital. When a significantly more attractive single parent was job hunting, people in our mutual acquaintance were tripping over themselves to help her! It was interesting. "Give me your email!" "Can i find you on linkedin?" "Send me your cv!" "My husbands work are recruiting".

I was just observing. I noticed.
I understood. People get a buzz out of helping somebody attractive as it elevates them. Nobody wants to risk putting themselves out for another unemployed ordinary average single parent. I have a job and I'm ok, im not bitter, but two people can on paper have the same "path" but the amount of sympathy and support and encouragement they receive is different.
I know it's the same for men. I know a man who's been through the same interview process as me. The questions were hardAtwe agreed. We had the same job. I was better at it. At the end he said "the one with the blue glasses really threw me a bone" and I thought, yupp, that's it. While my competencies were observed and measured with absolute detachment, he wasn't hitting the mark but he was thrown a bone given a steer. (He is good looking). People can't help themselves. Even a panel of retired civil servants.

I agree with the pp that it can always be worse. Although I'm no great beauty, at least I'm not covered in scars. Sorry that was just the first thing that popped into my head.

About 10 years ago, already experiencing ageism, I realised I had to decide what made a good life. I want to exercise, walk, eat well, read, think, learn, and.... be social. Being social is the only thing on my list impacted by looks as quite often, people donseereally see you. If you say anything, they attribute oddness to you. (Sometimes)
But then if they do, they do. Keep going.

Having a lovely face must be so nice. People with a lovely face never have to measure their level of interaction, ie, don't be too friendly at first. Wait til they know you're normal before risking a joke!

Im not boo hoo BTW, just observations

I’m not sure I agree. I think you are more likely to be taken seriously for your brains as a woman if you are average looking. In my own personal experience of being average looking.

I had a deformity as a child, my jaw couldn’t be operated till I was an adult. So many cutting incidents as a child and downright abuse as a teenager by peers and adults. Not quite suicidal but happy if I didn’t wake up. As an adult now of average looks I am mentally scarred, Ive been average looks longer now than “ugly” but it took over a decade to have a slight improvement in self esteem, I still walk with horrid posture, avoid eye contact, and have no idea how to smile and as a song says I carry scars I did nothing to earn. It doesn’t matter if you are “ugly” in cosmetic standards or see yourself ugly it changes who you are and as in most cases the impacts on mental health and self esteem vary, some may even benefit. Being a child through to an emerging adult outside the norm was damaging in so many ways.