Can I just say that life as an ugly woman is horrible.

[SundayMorningTeaForOne]

I’m going to get very personal, so I’ve name changed for this one.

I hope we can be grown-up about this topic and no one’s going to hit me with the ”everyone’s beautiful in their own way” or claim that I have self-esteem issues.

Anyway, when I was younger boys really wanted to let me know how ugly they found me, so often made comments when I walked by.

When older I was loading some stuff in the car and men walked by and made those truck in reverse beeb-beeb-beeb sounds, you know letting me know I’m fat.

When out, men don’t talk to me, I’m not saying they have to be interested in me - this isin’t even what I mean, they complitely ignore me, talk to everyone else around us/ table, I’m air apperently.

I’m turning 40 next year. Never been on a date, never even been asked out on a date. So if anyone here want to argue my ugliness must be in my head, what more proof do you need.

Getting older has woken me up to the fact that I’m not going to have kids, I don’t have enough money and only family members I have I my prent and the way that they are, they are not going to support me with a child, so I can’t have a child on my own.
I don’t have enough resourses.

I can’t ger over the fact that I’ve went through life and never been loved.
No one’s ever cared about me, no one saw me as someone they’d (at least try) want to share and build a life with.
Always doing everything on my own, how tired I have become, I didn’t even notice it until I felt totally broken.
My cat died almost two years ago, she was the only one I’ve ever said good morning and good night to, now I just say to an empty room.
How sad is that?!

I honestly don’t know what keeps me here, why did I stay here for all these years. To still be alone.
Everyday I get up and go for a walk, no matter the weather, and feel like an idiot for doing that.

And in case someone wants to jump and say I must have depression, I just want to remaind that this is my life, had been always.
I’m just getting it all out. I think anyone would be very extatic if this is how their life had gone.
I had hope when I was younger / was happier, years / decades roled by and it wore me down.
That’s it.

"I’ve went through life and never been loved. No one’s ever cared about me"

"only family members I have I my prent and the way that they are, they are not going to support me with a child"

How do your parents treat you, both when you were little and now? Because that can really fuck up how you see yourself.

Honestly people who say "it's not how you look" are frigging delusional. You might have a bloke, but don't kid yourself he isn't looking at beautiful women online and wishing (and wanking) blokes don't seem to suffer the same amount of self doubt.

God I couldn't agree more 😩 horrendous how many comments use that as a way to console the OP- 'look, unless you have a facial disfigurement..'

Fucking hell

OP I'm so sorry you feel this way. Try to focus on finding some joy and build from there. Definitely think about getting another pet. Cats are lovely, but a dog might get you out and about a bit more?

There’s someone out there for everyone regardless of physical appearance, the Jeremy Kyle show proved that.

You should think about what factors you consider make a woman attractive and implement them into your life. If it’s good skin, work on a skincare routine. If it’s flawless make up, go to a counter and get some tips. If it’s style head to the S&B board.

I’m a big believer in self care, never underestimate the effect of a fresh hair do, a tan and a new outfit!

I don't like to use the term ugly, but I've definitely seen people who aren't what would be called attractive, find partners. They are usually the same themselves. There will be men out there that feel the same as you, and that have had the same life experience. I know it's not easy finding them. It still haunts me to think had my partner not approached me the day he did, I'd probably still be on my own (32 now).

Oh I just want to give you a hug. You still have a lot of your life left to live so don't resign yourself to unhappiness. You sound like a lovely person, which is more than some beautiful people with ugly personalities can say.

But don't wait for someone else to pick you up. Only you can do that. You don't need to be with someone to be happy. And I wouldn't say looks was a barrier to friendships so why not start there.

This is going to sound awful, but I don’t mean it to be mean.

I know a few ‘ugly’ women (I’m no oil painting myself, but I’d say I’m unremarkable looking), and they all have found a spouse and/or had children. In all cases they are well matched to their spouse (there are lots of ugly men out there too!).

What I did notice is that they sort of embraced the way they looked and owned who they were, and put themselves out into social situations (eg work, clubs, hobby groups, nights out) and did meet and connect with people.

To caveat, I’m not trying to lump all “ugly” people together, and I’m very fond of the individuals I’m thinking of - but they don’t have attractive face/bodies and I’ve heard them receive comments like you’ve said above.

I’m sorry you feel this way OP. I had a really good therapist who told me that you should treat yourself like someone who needs to be looked after. Say nice things to yourself, do nice things for yourself. Even if it’s fake or you feel a bit silly, just try.

Even small stuff like using a nice shower gel or buying yourself a bunch of flowers makes a difference. Just reinforcing to yourself that you are worthy and worth looking after.

Your looks =/= your worth

Even if other people seem to equate the two, this is the average impression of everyone and not the specific belief of every single person. There are people who do not automatically link the two.

I do think some less than attractive women adopt an overly fawning persona, case in point Kathy Burke, she is absolutely hilarious, but from what I have seen of her is too nicey nicey. Think I have gone the other way and am a bitter old crone. I'm not that old, but I have given up, can't be fucked to dye my hair, don't even try anymore.

woman-left-disfigured-by-acid-attack-gets-married-and-says-miracles-do-happen-6663213 Bit disappointed by all the people saying unless you are disfigured you can't be that ugly!
Anyway I just came on to say Ive been to this amazing cafe in India where all the staff are acid attack survivors and many of them have boyfriends.
I see plenty of people who are not conventionally attractive with husbands/wives when I walk down my high St.

My DB is 35 and single and has decided he is ugly. He's not, obviously I'm not attracted to him but he's a normal looking guy however his hygiene is challenging, he doesn't shower daily and his teeth are often unbrushed. He's verging on unkempt. He has spent his entire life falling for incredibly pretty charismatic warm women and likes them for months before talking to then romantically. Then when they are not interested (because they have their own stories and people they are interested in) He's completely crushed and let's it feed in to the narrative that he's built in his head that women only like good looking alpha males. Then what's the point in keeping yourself clean and tidy if no one is ever going to like you anyway? So the cycle continues and to be honest speaking to someone complain about how no one likes them because they are physically unattractive is in itself not an attractive quality.

I married very young and now in my 30s my hair is thinning, I'm 2stone over weight and dealing with severe hormonal acne following a miscarriage a year ago. I'll admit, I would have fears about trying to find someone now. But then I have a friend who everyone loves and has no bother finding a boyfriend who is pushing 40 with a severe underbite and it's never held her personality back. I'm sure it's much easier to find company if you are good looking but I'm not convinced it's the be all and end all.

What about female friends? Do you work?

Life isnt all about men and their attention, you would be surprised how much less you are interested in that when you have friends. Same as when you don’t have much family.

I don’t have any family at all and when I’ve been through the two big break ups (exh and exp) I found that really focusing on myself and my friends really took my mind of it and I became more “me” again.

I read the comment from the beautiful woman, and wanted to say , "Is that you Samantha Brick" whilst thinking you can feck right off. But then I read the rest, and yes, this makes perfect sense.
Too many men are just absolute arseholes. I actually saw the concept in action on a training course. A very attractive woman was put down by an arsehole on the lines of "Your may be very attractive, but you',re not very bright". This was so untrue, and misognyist I actually jumped in and challenged him. It fell on deaf ears, and I approached her privately to say what a load of bollocks, literally he was off the mark. She was actually touchingly grateful as it was part of a pattern that men did this to her. How bad is that. There is a certain type of arsehole who homes in very quickly on your achilles heel, and then exploits it, and uses it to abuse, even casually, in everyday life. It's because they are arseholes and because they can. They've got away with it forever.

The scales really fell from my eyes that day. I'm ok, have plenty of male attention, been married before, am still married, and I've kind of grown into my looks. One of my best friends when we were at school described me as 'handsome' in an old fashioned heroine of a novel kind of way. I'm very sad that she died in an accident when were both in our 20's, because she'd have absolutely been on this crap, indeed, was on it then, years before me. Anyhoo, it really is that men are often arseholes.

We should call it out on each and every occasion

I am sad that you are being abused in this way @SundayMorningTeaForOne and lets call it what is is. Male misogynistic abuse. I hope you find some peace for yourself, and love, from friends or animals. This really is about them and not you. 🌹

Op- I'm sorry you feel like this.

Try and separate out attractivesness into two types - charisma and physical beauty. The first comes from people who have passions and interests in life- in people,pursuits and more generally. They look out not inwards. Cultivate hobbies and interests and getting another cat would help. Female friendships are a joy and charismatic people attract them. Women are generally better conversationalists and IMO make for better friends anyway.

Secondly, physical strength and fitness, unless prevented by illness, is availble to all. In your case, can you afford a personal trainer, attend yoga classes etc? Building a stong and supple body will build up self-esteem and make you feel so much better.

Would definitely recommend cognitive behaviour therapy and, if you are brooding on a couple of particular incidents, do look at EMDR.

I was reasonably attractive 20+ year old who got some attention (mostly unwanted) but am now largely ignored by men who aren't already friends. Many men only pay attention to young women or other men (validation from the most powerful in society). It is what it is.

Well exactly, he's not going for ugly women is he? Even inadequate blokes like him go for the pretty charismatic ones. Case in point, he doesn't adjust his expectations, just gives up.

There are many not conventionally attractive women who have lived full and happy lives. Look at the author Hilary Mantel for example. Sadly our grim patriarchial society values looks in women out of all proportion and I can appreciate pushing against that is going to be hard but I think it is doable. Wishing you happiness op life is precious it’s very sad if you cannot enjoy it I hope you find your way to do so.

@montecarlo7 I agree. I know someone that is about to have a baby, engaged etc and keeps wanting to sleep me because of looks etc I know that sounds like poor me but it is scary that men are like this and yes the sexualised comments make me wonder if men see me as some tart

I am far from the prettiest flower in the garden and people have let me know all about it through out my life.

But I have a happy life and I’m sure you could too! I have a husband and a child and dogs who love me very much for the person I and not my face. I’ve cultivated hobbies like sewing, backing, painting and reading and this is where I get my self worth and confidence. I’m not attractive physically but believe I am intellectually.

I also realised when going into online dating (where I met my husband of nearly a decade) that I needed to have high standards for intelligence, kindness and humour but lower for looks. I’m very attracted to my husband because of his wonderful personality.

If you found more value in your self as a human, which I’m sure you have buckets of, you can have a happy fulfilling life and relationship if that’s your goal.

I'm not going to patronise you by being you're but that ugly, but I will say that plenty of ugly women and men find partners (sometimes with other ugly people, sometimes not).

Life is harder as an unattractive person, I'm sure that's true. People don't come to you - you have to put yourself it there, which is hard when your self esteem is in the gutter. But, self conference (not arrogance) is an attractive trait. You need to find other things to love about yourself and build your confidence on the person you are. Then you need to be brave enough to let people see who you are.

40 is a shit age. Always has been. You’ve hit a biological turning point, your hormones are in chaos, life suddenly seems to be speeding away.

All the other stuff you’ve posted is important, but don’t underestimate biology in this.

I hope we can be grown-up about this topic and no one’s going to hit me with the ”everyone’s beautiful in their own way” or claim that I have self-esteem issues.

I knew as soon as I read this that I was going to be in complete agreement with your post.

Yes, life as an ugly woman is shit.

I'm going to be very blunt and tell you what you probably don't want to hear. No one is going to help you. Help yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you want things to change, make them change. Join clubs, lose weight, join dating sites, get yourself out there and make friends if not a date. If you dont have the resources/money to have a child on your own, could you change jobs? If you honestly think you are ugly, could you try a new hair cut, hair colour, make up, new glasses (if you wear them), new clothes? See if that helps? You also sound angry and depressed, like it or not, you do, so see the doctor and get some counselling and learn some techniques to boost your self esteem. People who are happy and confident in themselves are more attractive not just looks wise.

You talk about doing everything on your own - what about your friends? People you have met through your hobbies? Work colleagues even? You don't need to be beautiful to find friends and people to do things with. And you don't need to have a partner and kids to live a full, happy and interesting life.

This doesn’t sound like ugly to me.

What came across was

• low self esteem
• lifestyle issues (very overweight)
• defeatist
• family issues
• depression
• dissatisfied with life

All of which can be unattractive to a potential partner.

There are plenty of less physically attractive women out there who pair up with someone, aspects such as their career success, loving nature (maybe doing charity work), commonality in hobbies (everything from fossil hunting to cookery, to hill walking and outdoor pursuits) are the driving factors to the relationships NOT physicality.

You say you haven’t been loved… you need to love yourself first. That is the biggest love.

Use your 40th as a turning point. Buy a new cat, get healthy, try new hobbies, focus on your career, be a beautiful success story FOR YOURSELF.

And remember the grass is not always greener - as the many posts on MN can attest to married life/children can be just as misery inducing as singledom.

It isn’t what you have it is what you do with it and your attitude that determine your satisfaction.

I wish you all the best for a healthier and happier life, starting now.