Can I just say that life as an ugly woman is horrible.

[SundayMorningTeaForOne]

I’m going to get very personal, so I’ve name changed for this one.

I hope we can be grown-up about this topic and no one’s going to hit me with the ”everyone’s beautiful in their own way” or claim that I have self-esteem issues.

Anyway, when I was younger boys really wanted to let me know how ugly they found me, so often made comments when I walked by.

When older I was loading some stuff in the car and men walked by and made those truck in reverse beeb-beeb-beeb sounds, you know letting me know I’m fat.

When out, men don’t talk to me, I’m not saying they have to be interested in me - this isin’t even what I mean, they complitely ignore me, talk to everyone else around us/ table, I’m air apperently.

I’m turning 40 next year. Never been on a date, never even been asked out on a date. So if anyone here want to argue my ugliness must be in my head, what more proof do you need.

Getting older has woken me up to the fact that I’m not going to have kids, I don’t have enough money and only family members I have I my prent and the way that they are, they are not going to support me with a child, so I can’t have a child on my own.
I don’t have enough resourses.

I can’t ger over the fact that I’ve went through life and never been loved.
No one’s ever cared about me, no one saw me as someone they’d (at least try) want to share and build a life with.
Always doing everything on my own, how tired I have become, I didn’t even notice it until I felt totally broken.
My cat died almost two years ago, she was the only one I’ve ever said good morning and good night to, now I just say to an empty room.
How sad is that?!

I honestly don’t know what keeps me here, why did I stay here for all these years. To still be alone.
Everyday I get up and go for a walk, no matter the weather, and feel like an idiot for doing that.

And in case someone wants to jump and say I must have depression, I just want to remaind that this is my life, had been always.
I’m just getting it all out. I think anyone would be very extatic if this is how their life had gone.
I had hope when I was younger / was happier, years / decades roled by and it wore me down.
That’s it.

Get another pet. It will help.

A lot of people who look attractive have used money to achieve it, they don't all wake up looking like that. And I don't just mean Botox or fillers, I mean skincare, hair, nails, tan, nice clothes, jewelry etc. Just look at the transformations of some celebrities who are considered beautiful, they were very average/below average before they had money!

Unattractive people can still find partners and have families, you need to get yourself out there more op. There absolutely will be someone you can find, you will have loads of qualities, you're not only a face or a body you're a whole person with a personality.

This thread just gets better 🙄

Perfectly put.

Can relate, OP...I was objectively ugly some years back, although various changes have now elevated me to "ordinary, scrubs up OK".

Even in that experience, though, I think you'd be surprised at how much mindset plays a part. You can't force people to find you attractive but you can be beguiling in other ways.

Your human worth is distinct from all that, though. That exists perfectly no matter what your looks, life situation etc.

What do you love?

What stands out to me OP is that you have low self esteem and are lonely. If you can get it, I think therapy will really help you. You need to get your confidence up and realise your self worth. You're already making sure you go for a daily walk, which shows great determination with everything you're up against. It's a fantastic good habit to have.

God, yes, I was thinking that too. Not to mention quite possibly the OP may have something specific like this. I have two friends who would be hurt to hear the message of 'well, disfigured people naturally can't expect a relationship and normal life, but that's not you, so don't worry..'

Why don't people think before they post?

Because sadly that is what they truly believe. Its awful isn't it.

Good advice here

@greenteaandmarshmallows you have take my comment the wrong way.
I spend a lot of my time with disabled people and it is all pro bono. MN doesn't allow changes to posts so I can't amend what I ment.
I have worked with many people with disgifured faces post accidents. Have you? I was trying to help.

Bloody hell, the comments on disfigurement! Go and educate yourselves- Look at some of the work Katie Piper does, there are also some amazing people on Instagram with facial differences who are putting themselves out there trying to change attitudes like these- look at Nikki Lily for a start.

I’m so sorry you are so sad OP. I really feel for you. I don’t really have anything to add except keep going for those walks and don’t feel stupid about it. March along and breathe deep.
Also get another cat. Or dog? Maybe a rescue?

Makes my blood boil with rage.

Changing Faces has excellent resources for those looking to sort them selves out and educate themselves

Poor OP just wants help

And half of you are derailing this thread because someone, not the OP, mentioned disfigurement

Focus people focus or you'll just make the OP feel like crap completely unnecessarily

All as I get from your post is how crap your life is and how awful and how sad. And I get it I do but if I was sat in a cafe and started talking to you and you said even a bit of that I'd be reverse beep beep beeping my own fat arse out of there

I completely agree with this Accidentally.

I think it's important to just forget what you look like. I've lost count of the times I've been at a crowded party and chatting away to some lovely men (and women), and then on my way home caught sight of my reflection then realised I'd forgotten to remove some prominent wiry hairs from my chin lol! Everyone will have noticed, they'll have been wagging in their face!

After a few minutes of talking to you, people almost forget what you look like and it's more important how you make THEM feel. If you make a man (or woman) feel interesting and likable, they'll like you too. I don't just mean in a flirty way either, in every situation.

It is more sad that you've made the attention-of-men how you measure your worth. That's the stupidest way to measure value. Men are nothing. Of course you're going to feel shit about yourself if that's what matters to you.

This thread is about the OP

OP you sound so sad and resigned. The changing faces website is for people with visible differences and has lots of advice about getting help and some self help techniques. You obviously feel that your looks make you stand out, so it might be useful to read through some of the advice

I grew up with men and boys growling at me from windows and shouting their opinions about how ugly I was. As a teenager I was told that I was a lovely person but 'why can't you look like so and so'. I used to be the ugly joke pull on the night out. I have a hard face, a big nose and as one of my managers pointed out I have too much gum for my mouth.

I had some good people around me (friends and family) who countered that and kept my self-esteem in check but I formed a general distrust in others and became hyper focused on the opinion of others as a litmus test for how I looked or behaved. This was at the expense of being myself.

I learnt to make the most of what I have but that advice and motivation was given to me young. It's really hard to drag yourself out of what people have done to you and take that step. It's even harder when you haven't done it at all. I was 17 stone at one point because I'd given up on myself. I lost weight, got therapy for the anxiety and then worked my way up to a good job. These all gave me confidence.

I'm still no spring chicken now but I know what to do with what I have. I wear brightly coloured dresses to work, try to have a laugh and have fun. There are periods when I get pulled down a bit but generally I would say I've made some great connections with people because I've had the experience of building up real relationships over common interest or just taking an interest in others.

I would challenge you to:

• Lose weight (I found Slimming World and the meetings confidence boosting)
• Get a cat
• Go for a walk for one hour day
• Find a hobby you like and start out dedicating 15-20 minutes to it daily (reading, puzzles, etc - no screens)
• Review community groups. Book clubs, etc. I go to the local library one sometimes and everyone is welcome

From one ugly gal to another - there's a life out there for you and as George Bernard Shaw said, 'It's never too late to be who you were meant to be."

Over time I've also learnt to shout back if I get comments. I'll either tell them to F* Off or tell them I'll call the police for harassment. I have a right to my space on this planet and to live it unencumbered by abuse, and so do you.

Can you tell us a bit about yourself OP? What are the good bits of your life? Do you have a job you love? Good friends? What do you enjoy doing?

do you think there is anything appearance related that you can change which would improve your confidence?

I mean I agree with you about the misogynistic men in the street who shout out horrible comments. They're worth less than nothing.

But it's ok for op to be lonely and want to date a man. It's a bit harsh to say that feeling isn't valid - it's part of the human condition, many people (ofc not all but most) want to settle with a long term mate.

Take a new pet,go on ketogenic diet+ min 16 hr daily fasts.

Get your thyroid checked out too,if you have hypothyrodism loosing weight will be near impossible,make sure you dont have issues there.

I think you've posted at least twice before in recent months. If not, there are two other women in a very similar situation to you.

I can't help thinking there are two sides to the problem.

The first is you need and want people to validate how you feel. Life is unutterably lonely. You are ugly, have no partner, never did, never will etc. Yes, this is a horrible state to be in. It's no way to live. It's painful to live this experience and watch others around you get so much more from life. You are completely right about all of that. I found being single very painful. As did DH before we met and that was only for a few years in our twenties. But you have had this all you life with no indication it will change. Decades of it must fundamentally change how you cope in life, how you think.

The other side, which is obvious to others but maybe not to you, is that you need to love yourself as if you were another, loving person, a truly loving partner. Simply because that is a nicer way to live than you do right now. i said this on previous threads either by you or by someone with identical issues, but got no reply.

It sounds like a self-help 1980s cliche., but we really do benefit from loving ourselves with as much kindness, fun, generosity, positivity as we long for someone else to provide.

If you had the power to summon an ideal partner, how would you live differently - how would you dress, take care of your hair, face, skin? What would you do at weekends? What would they encourage and inspire you to do with your life or your home?

i am not for one minute insulting you by suggesting this is a cure for how you feel. It's simply a bit nicer than how you feel right now. And a small step in the right direction is better than no step.

You certainly deserve to get another cat. You certainly deserve to take great care of your body, skin, hair, health, mental health, home, career, social life.

You say you don't want people to dismiss how you feel as depression, but who wouldn't feel depressed, faced with what you have put up with? You have a right to feel profoundly depressed by your lot so far in life and an equal right to do something about that so the pain is reduced a bit and your outlook for the future not so rigid.

Don't come at it like that. EVERYONE wants to find a partner who is attracted to them, values them, looks at them with love. Everyone wants to feel desirable. It's fucking biology...the urge to have sex, reproduce.
Don't make the OP feel small because she wants the same. Bet you've got a partner and kids. Bet YOU wanted your partner to find you attractive. Fuck off sneering at her for wanting the attention of men. You did too.

This.

Oh gosh OP this makes me feel really sad to read. If it helps I've kind of been on both sides of the coin. I'm my youth I was described as pretty and received a fair amount of male attention, for all the wrong reasons. I never had the confidence to go with it due to a lot of abuse and MH issues and a really difficult life due to illness and shit luck and financial deprivation. I always felt as soon as men got to know the real me and my circumstances, they would run for the hills. I then got really overweight and attention disappeared completely. My self esteem was at rock bottom.
But, with a lot of counselling, I got there. Turned my focus on me and finding things that made me happy and brought me joy. That's what makes people attractive to NICE people. Fuck looks, they can be gone in a millisecond. Just make the best of YOU. You don't want some obnoxious twunt who can't see beneath the surface anyway. I've seen a lot of conventionally "pretty"men and women who ooze ugliness of spirit and many less conventionally attractive, who shine like a star from within and have lovely people flocking to them. Please don't tell yourself you can't be loved. But you have to love yourself first ❤
Therapy and another pet and immerse yourself in things that make your heart sing.

@IncompleteSenten
@Dogsitterwoes

I recently did a sports course, where myself and my sport partner where assigned a very experienced volunteer to guide us through our first steps after we passed our basic competency. We had a lovely guy, who have clearly had a stroke or similar. We later found out it was bells palsy. Very noticeable . At the end of the three hours, I had a crush on him. He was just the sweetest most gentle and polite of men and so skilled at the sport that I got the Fanny gallops for him. Attraction is not always about what's on the surface, it's perfectly possible to be attracted to and fall in love with somebody for other reasons.