Can I just say that life as an ugly woman is horrible.

[SundayMorningTeaForOne]

I’m going to get very personal, so I’ve name changed for this one.

I hope we can be grown-up about this topic and no one’s going to hit me with the ”everyone’s beautiful in their own way” or claim that I have self-esteem issues.

Anyway, when I was younger boys really wanted to let me know how ugly they found me, so often made comments when I walked by.

When older I was loading some stuff in the car and men walked by and made those truck in reverse beeb-beeb-beeb sounds, you know letting me know I’m fat.

When out, men don’t talk to me, I’m not saying they have to be interested in me - this isin’t even what I mean, they complitely ignore me, talk to everyone else around us/ table, I’m air apperently.

I’m turning 40 next year. Never been on a date, never even been asked out on a date. So if anyone here want to argue my ugliness must be in my head, what more proof do you need.

Getting older has woken me up to the fact that I’m not going to have kids, I don’t have enough money and only family members I have I my prent and the way that they are, they are not going to support me with a child, so I can’t have a child on my own.
I don’t have enough resourses.

I can’t ger over the fact that I’ve went through life and never been loved.
No one’s ever cared about me, no one saw me as someone they’d (at least try) want to share and build a life with.
Always doing everything on my own, how tired I have become, I didn’t even notice it until I felt totally broken.
My cat died almost two years ago, she was the only one I’ve ever said good morning and good night to, now I just say to an empty room.
How sad is that?!

I honestly don’t know what keeps me here, why did I stay here for all these years. To still be alone.
Everyday I get up and go for a walk, no matter the weather, and feel like an idiot for doing that.

And in case someone wants to jump and say I must have depression, I just want to remaind that this is my life, had been always.
I’m just getting it all out. I think anyone would be very extatic if this is how their life had gone.
I had hope when I was younger / was happier, years / decades roled by and it wore me down.
That’s it.

I honestly think almost no one is actually “ugly”. Presentation takes time, ability and effort. It’s easy to say looks don’t matter at all, they do though because they are they first insight into the person. You don’t get to know someone’s personality or kind soul on first glance but you can get some indication of their life through their presentation.

Lost the quote with my post

Anyway, OP, yes life is tougher for those with unconventional looks. It's unfair and shit, but it's the hand you've been dealt. I can understand how it's ground you down. I'm sorry your life hasn't been what you've hoped for.

Life will still have its surprises for you. Make it the best life you can. Think about another pet to welcome their love. You are loving yourself by exercising every day to stay healthy. You have value and worth and deserve your own love. Friends won't care what you look like and make life good - if you are isolated it leads into a spiral of low self-esteem. Focus on the things you can change, keep working on your fitness, join a meetup group local Facebook group and if there isn't one, start one.2 years ago a lady started a Facebook ladies friendship group in my county, as she was lonely. There's now over 2000 members, regular social events, and it's changed lives for others who had also felt very alone.

I don’t think it’s helpful to insist that nobody is ‘ugly’ and that very few people are models so everyone is in the same boat. Many years ago I went on a night out and was struck at the amount of abuse a friend of a friend I’d never met before had to put up with. It wasn’t a few comments from particularly scummy men. It was constant. Blokes shouting out at her, asking questions, general wonderment. Walking down a street from bar to bar was running the gauntlet.

Attitudes to people who are visibly different need to change. Brushing this under the carpet isn’t a solution.

It sounds like this may run deeper than just your looks with what you mentioned about your parents.

Do you mean they wouldn’t support you with a child physically (maybe due to I’ll health) or emotionally ?

I know quite a few women who aren't conventionally beautiful and some people might consider ugly. But they've all been very involved in communities they care about and are very respectable women. One in particular does alot with the scouts and all the parents and children adore her because she's a wonderful woman who does so much good for the children.

Could you look at volunteering or getting involved with something like WI? I really think fulfillment in life comes from the connections we make. You sound isolated and that won't do you any good. You need to be putting yourself out there in a neutral way, not looking for romantic love, but looking for ways to build your community.

I wonder if part of it is that you give off a kind of don't mess with me vibe as a protection against being bullied/people being unkind to you as you've experienced previously. Not consciously.

Have you ever met anyone that you wanted to date? It's ok to be the one to ask, you don't have to wait to be asked.

It's probably a bit twee, but do you love yourself?

I believe there is someone for everyone if you want a partner and it sounds like you do.

Attracting a partner is mainly about confidence. The ugliest people have partners, babies, families etc, even people with massive deformities.

I think you should focus on going out and socialising with others - you say men don't approach you, but do you approach them? Confidence is key here, I think.

It doesn't matter what you look like, people fall in love with people, not a picture

Hmmm - we’ll, lots of very very ugly people have happy relationships as well as very fat/thin/tall/short people so although you do have less choice, it’s got yo be something else. Also, as you get older, looks matter less and less.
improving your looks will help your self esteem and confidence is an attractive quality. So improve yourself. Join a slimming group like Slimming world - you’ll meet people, have purpose and look better. Look at people with a similar body shape who look good and note how they dress. Wear a bit of jewellery, a nice perfume, get a new hair style.
Do you work? If not, get a job, even voluntary as it gives you confidence.
you may have missed the boat for having a child but you could always foster when you are in a healthy mental space, so rewarding.
I do get what you’re saying, I used to be very fat and I get treated totally differently now that I’m slim, but I was fat when I married, although not as big as post children. I lost my hair, all of it to alopecia when I was very large, believe me, not a great look, and that’s when I got a grip, great wig, lost 6stones, totally changed clothing style and I look and feel great. You just need to take a long hard look and change things because ‘life ain’t fair’.
you CAN turn this around.

Good morning @SundayMorningTeaForOne

Can you tell us about the things you are good at?

Confidence is attractive.

I also wondered about this.

What was your relationship like with your parents growing up @SundayMorningTeaForOne - did you feel cherished, valued? Or did they tell you that you were ugly?

Some people are unattractive it’s just the truth. My SIL is not attractive at all but her unhappiness has made her bitter. She was awful to be round as so horribly jealous and mean spirited and hated anyone else being happy and I avoided her for a while.

I would advise you get some counselling, I have had it in the past for different reasons. It can’t make you look how you want or get you a devoted lover but it gets issues off your chest.

Look for something you love, I went swimming in the sea a few times last week as on holiday, I’m like a mermaid, I need the sea but sadly work took me to the Midlands. I spent time with my oldest friends who still live near the sea, do you have any friends at all that make you feel good? Those women did, it isn’t the same as a romantic partner obviously but having supportive lovely people in your life is always good.

I don't think starving herself is going to help.

OP I accept that you don’t fit our society’s view of what is attractive.

But you need to be careful to not let it define you. We are more than our looks. I was an unattractive unhappy teen. But I threw myself into studies and gained self-esteem by coming top in everything. And as I am now in my fifties I am coping well with the loss of what looks I have because I have never seen myself as attractive. Whereas my beautiful friends seem to be struggling more.

It is a cliche but the most attractive things about people are confidence and a smile and a great personality. Those can be cultivated over time.

I won’t advise you to lose weight etc as I am sure you know all that. What about social skills training, assertiveness courses etc? I have heard these can be life-changing. Or even therapy. You need to make peace with yourself on the inside.

It really isn’t just about the weight or hair any more. You are in a negative rut and sadly don’t have anyone around you to help you out of it. I would try and seek some kind of confidence courses. Even ‘media-type training’ can help you learn how to present yourself better, even if it’s not about being on TV etc. Public speaking advice. There is lots out there.

Good luck. You are young enough to change your approach. But it will take some work.

Op, being partnered is over rated, I have come to realise that for 2-3 hours of company a day (and a night of interrupted sleep) you get a shit load of 24/7work, responsibilities and plenty of limitations when it comes to doing what you enjoy or follow your dreams and end up being a beloved (or deluded) servant/PA/cleaner/nanny/cook/etc of a man. No matter how much they “help” it is the woman that carries 95% of the mental load.

Society/nature/hormones teach us that being “un partnered” equals failure. It shouldn’t be like that, learning to love singledom for the wonderful thing it is is something many women learn through constant trial and error. I am trying to get used to this new journey and so far, as long as I keep myself busy, can meet with friends regularly and have my silly dog around, I am loving it. I wish I had learned this decades ago.

If you can try to lose weight, that would be a massive difference. The French have a phrase jolie-laide about an ugly woman who is attractive as attractiveness doesn’t always depend on symmetry. And why not get another animal companion to brighten your life? The main thing is to look at your life and see what you have the power to change. It helps if you have a bit of money. You do have the power to change things-but those people who called out unkind comments are probably stuck like that.

Ha! You're wrong.

She has put so much value in other people's (men's) opinions that she has completely written herself off as ever finding a partner. You think only physically attractive people find partners? You think every ugly person is alone? Nothing will change for the OP if she doesn't sort out her own self-worth. But maybe she doesn't want that to change because it would mean having to put herself out into the world to actually get what she wants.

I agree!!!
Every time I read "Unkess you've got a facial disfigurement you'll be fine" on this thread I'm horrified!

I'm sorry I feel like that. I won't try and tell you you're beautiful really as I'm sure that will annoy you.
I feel awful saying this but I know several ugly people who've found partners and are happily married. I don't think being ugly necessarily means you won't find someone. There's more to it than that. It's also to do with confidence, personality etc. Maybe you've been worn down over the tears and now believe there's nothing anyone could love about you.

Speaking from personal experience, it's your attitude and not your looks that are the problem. Which is good news, because attitudes can be changed!

I feel for you. And I agree it is easier for beautiful people to find a partner, date and be social. Whether that partner will treat them well, and whether their group of friends will be good people, is another matter but still it must be less lonely.

I have a partner and three kids. Let me tell you the grass is not always greener. I love them all so so much but sometimes I think about all the things I could be doing in my life if my time weren’t taken up with them (and by them, I include my partner). All the hours I could spend doing hobbies outside of work. Being able to go hiking or kayaking or on spur of the moment, trips to the coast anytime I want. Being able to live anywhere I choose in the world, and not needing to live in a family house so I could live somewhere more unconventional and cheaper. Before having a family I was skint but had very rich life experiences that made me realise the importance we put on things like what impressive career we have or what we look like or how cool people think we dress etc etc is so incredibly meaningless. We all die and then are reduced to the same nothing. Beautiful people of today are not going to be remembered 100 years after dying as being beautiful. Enjoy the world for all the richness and adventure it brings.

You may need therapy and antidepressants to get yourself out of the slump you are in and to give you the confidence to start living for yourself and the world, rather than focusing so much on getting a partner and having a child. There are other things that will bring you happiness other than a partner.

xxx

just wanted to give you a big hug but most importantly validate your experience

yes..to the being totally ignored in a large group (plus sized), it’s not something conventionally attractive will ever grasp it’s not their fault but not ours either,

I know what you mean my sister is blessed with good genes I've got oesteoporis my spine is badly curved through no fault of my own I feel very self conscious and ugly but I've just got to get on with it I do cry I'm 66 now hold your head high I'm sure that you are a lovely person inside and out I'd get another pet you can talk to it plus they don't argue back

There's probably more to this. Your attitude is questionable, to not even ever have on a date is odd. Loads of ugly people have partners. I'm no beauty but scrub up well.