Parents sleeping in living room so child can have own room

[PlantsAndStuff]

Will try to keep it brief but can clarify/answer questions if needed.
we have 4 children dd15, dd13, ds11, ds7. live in a 3 bed house private rent, 3rd room is box and not ideal but the boys share this with bunk beds, DH and I have one of the double rooms and the girls share the other.

Dd 13 is on the pathway for ASD diagnosis, gets overwhelmed easily, likes things neat and tidy, needs her own space, noise, mess and smells overwhelm her. but she is a high functioning, intelligent, kind girl. BUT her sister is naturally messy, a bit lazy and her putting dirty washing and food packets back into cupboards, drawers etc can make the room smell. she leaves things lying around etc.

We have had countless discussions about this but she is a teenager. DD13 just really struggles to manage this and they often argue.

a couple of weeks ago dd took an overdose after an argument with a friend at school, argument with dad, and an argument with DD15. She really does struggle without having her own place that is just hers.

There is no option to move house, and as we private rent cant split a room and due to the shape cant really divide them using curtain/storage boxes etc

If it was down to me i would sleep downstairs and let the girls have a room each. this would also benefit the boys as they wouldnt have to share box room.

DH is adamant that we cant do this. he says its not right that we dont have a room of our own when the kids can share and it just is completely unacceptable. I see where he is coming from, but it wouldnt be forever and im just so aware that dd13 is struggling and im scared of a repeat of her overdose.

any advice or opinions welcome

We have a 3 bed and 3 kids. Our eldest is being assessed for asd, and needs his own room. The younger two share, but they are boy and girl and at some point soon will need to have their own space. I cannot have the two boys sharing, so we are considering sleeping downstairs in the living room. You do what you need to do 🤔.

Sorry you're all going through this.

It's a tricky one but I think I'd do the same in your situation. What's your downstairs space like? Has she said it will actually help? What were all the arguments about?

Also - could you give one of the DDs the box room as it doesn't seem fair for the ones sharing to have the smallest room?

thanks for sharing, this is my perspective, that its a solution and probably wouldnt be more than a few years when dd15 would go off to uni. but DH really is very against it.

This sounds stressful and I can hear the anxiety through your post.

I'm afraid my view probably won't be that popular but your 15 year old daughter really needs to step up and be more helpful. Yes, she's a teenager; she's NOT a baby and she she is definitely old enough to know that she needs to be more considerate.

How big is your lounge? Is it big enough to put up a partition/screen to make a sleeping area for you and DH?

I think I'm with DH, though. You shouldn't have to give up your room.

Or is the girls room big enough to put a partition up?

In short term I’d be on DD15’s case about being more considerate and frankly less disgusting than stuffing food packets and dirty laundry in drawers and cupboards.

Do you only have one downstairs living space or do you have a dining room?

yes would definitely but dd in box room, another dd in double room and boys in other double.

downstairs is tiny. living room which has the stairs in it and kitchen

Firstly I am so sorry that so much is going on for your family. It must be so painful to see your babies struggling.

I have twin almost 7 year olds. They often have twin wars and have gotten to the age where the truly struggle being around each other, besides being twins they are total opposites. One's incredibly tidy and slightly OCD in her routines, she also likes to go to sleep early and struggles hugely with noises and smell as too. My other girl is the complete opposite. Messy, free, stays up as late as her little eyes can no matter how many times I read her stories. I'm a single parent (I do have a fiancé but he's not their father so leaves most things to me) and in all honesty, I've begun turning our room into a second room so they both have the space they deserve. Yes it means we are on the sofa. Yes it's not the greatest for privacy (which may be your partners concern) but it won't be forever. Eventually we will be able to move or the girls will become more aware of the sacrifices a parent makes but for now I have no problems sleeping in the sitting room. My partner doesn't either. I mostly fall asleep in there anyway while watching tv so for now it'll help my girls be happy.

You've got to do what you've got to do. I understand both you and your partner. Perhaps if you have family support you can both go on a date night and discuss it properly? All cards on the table and see if there is an even compromise. Perhaps he's worried about sleep if he has an intense job or he's just purely unhappy with you both not having your own space. Also the idea of sex and being caught by your children could be worrying him. There's so many possibilities but it's worth a calm and understanding conversation on both parts. You've got this OP!!

@PlantsAndStuff

i have two boys with ASD and their own space is entirely essential.

No, moving downstairs isn’t ideal but it’s essential in my opinion.

Why is your DH so resistant? I can’t imagine being so against anything to clearly better for the children.

not big enough im afraid. yes i agree dd15 needs to step up. she is also possibly has ADHD (not diagnosed, but recently suggested being refered by school councellor) so its not always as easy as just making her step up. she is nice and wants to do better but really struggles keeping tidy

What's the size and layout of DDs shared room? I've seen some really clever partitioning methods using bunk beds and fake wall, it might be possible to create them their own spaces without you and DH losing your room.

If necessary is your room bigger than DDs so potentially you could swap your double for their double to make partitioning them easier?

If sleeping downstairs would put an intolerable strain on your marriage (it would on mine!) then it really isn't an option. ASD or not, your DC need to have both parents.
I agree with telling asking your eldest to consider her sisters particular needs.

We did this for numerous years, we just had boundaries eg children were in bedroom at set time so we had time to ourselves, our clothes were still in a wardrobe in one of the rooms and we bought a good quality sofa bed.

we then put a partition up in one of the bedrooms so that we all had a small bedroom each, worked well for us at the time. Ds has a tiny room, enough for bed and wardrobe and that’s it but we manage.

ypu have to do what’s best for all the family.

This OP.
I think YANBU. But you need to try everything else possible first.
You can get stuff like this:
https://www.buildingadditions.co.uk/acoustic-wall/
https://www.movablepartitionwalls.co.uk/acoustic

its possible, but you wouldnt be able to fully open the door. we did do this for a while a couple of years ago but dd13 got just as stressed out with dd15 having her stuff overflowing/ going round into dd13 half. also things like noise/ music/ tv still an issue (and any smells)

As someone with some sensory issues who grew up with six siblings in a house that was too small and never had my own space EVER until I moved out at 16... I have a lot of sympathy for your daughter. It's hard to be that age, it's even harder when you have nothing and nowhere that is just yours.

I do think you should move to the living room to try and give your kids their own space. It's so important especially in their teenage years. You do what you have to do.

only one living space. living room (stairs also go into this room) and kitchen with a small table

Like this - www.mattressnut.com/bunk-bed-room-dividers/

Well they could both be ND!
As an ND person myself this is the big challenge that everyone ignores. So many people are diagnosed now and they have conflicting needs like in the OP. Who are you going to stop.

OP - can you put your DD in the living room instead of you both?

Well, when DCs were 1 and 3, we gave them their own rooms (because we needed sleep and one would invariably wake the other!) DH and I slept in the lounge. We had that arrangement for about 2 years. It was fine and everyone slept well.

In your shoes we would definitely make the lounge our bedroom for a bit.

But, we were on the same page. I don't know what we would have done if DH had not wanted to sleep in the lounge. I get where you r both coming from, and I think you both are perfectly reasonable. Maybe your DH could be persuaded to try it for a bit? Meanwhile try and find somewhere bigger that is affordable - even in another area??

thanks so much, i think hes a bit more traditional thinking, we shouldnt be bending over backwards and making sacrifices of our own comfort to cater to the children, and i do get that, we are important too. but my 13 y/o tried to kill herself so i just feel like i would do anything to calm her little mind

Also I don't mean to be on a diagnosis spiral and am aware that it's overused on here but it is often inherited. Does your H have ASD traits? if so
It might be very difficult to talk him out of something he doesn't want!

*talk him into

Is either double big enough for a partition? So you could make it 2 separate rooms? Hard to put in a permanent partition if it's rental, but you could find an innovative way to partition?

thank you. honestly im not so sure. I think the idea of not having a bedroom in his own home, having to clear up sleeping things, pillows blankets etc each morning and set it up again in the evening.

it would only be every other night at the moment also as we take turns sleeping with ds 7 as he struggles sleeping alone (another story!)
so at least half the time we would get a sleep in a bed upstairs (until ds7 starts sleeping alone)