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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents sleeping in living room so child can have own room

209 replies

PlantsAndStuff · 29/07/2023 22:03

Will try to keep it brief but can clarify/answer questions if needed.
we have 4 children dd15, dd13, ds11, ds7. live in a 3 bed house private rent, 3rd room is box and not ideal but the boys share this with bunk beds, DH and I have one of the double rooms and the girls share the other.

Dd 13 is on the pathway for ASD diagnosis, gets overwhelmed easily, likes things neat and tidy, needs her own space, noise, mess and smells overwhelm her. but she is a high functioning, intelligent, kind girl. BUT her sister is naturally messy, a bit lazy and her putting dirty washing and food packets back into cupboards, drawers etc can make the room smell. she leaves things lying around etc.

We have had countless discussions about this but she is a teenager. DD13 just really struggles to manage this and they often argue.

a couple of weeks ago dd took an overdose after an argument with a friend at school, argument with dad, and an argument with DD15. She really does struggle without having her own place that is just hers.

There is no option to move house, and as we private rent cant split a room and due to the shape cant really divide them using curtain/storage boxes etc

If it was down to me i would sleep downstairs and let the girls have a room each. this would also benefit the boys as they wouldnt have to share box room.

DH is adamant that we cant do this. he says its not right that we dont have a room of our own when the kids can share and it just is completely unacceptable. I see where he is coming from, but it wouldnt be forever and im just so aware that dd13 is struggling and im scared of a repeat of her overdose.

any advice or opinions welcome

OP posts:
Thread gallery
18
Sycasmores · 30/07/2023 02:33

I would t give up your bedroom. I would institute new nightly routines with your 15 year old that include you helping her tidy her things away and reset the room daily. I'd try one of those tent canopy things over the 13 year olds bed to give her some privacy without losing space. If the 7 year old is still struggling to sleep alone it sounds like there may be quite a lot of neurodiversity floating around.

caringcarer · 30/07/2023 03:20

I don't think the answer is for you and DH give up your room. I think you did who behaves in disgusting ways putting old boxes in cupboards and leaving dirty smelly washing about has to be made to clean her act up. I'd start by removing all pocket money and instead they can all earn money for good behaviour and jobs completed. One of things you could do is buy DD a large laundry basket and her job daily is to put dirty washing in it and bring down next to the machine. If she achieves this then gains some pocket money if she refuses then she doesn't gain pocket money. I'd have a list of jobs stuck on the fridge and a monetary value attached to each. The DC decide what they want to do to earn money.

sashh · 30/07/2023 04:16

I think I'd move the older girl down stairs.

Give her something like 4 weeks and if she doesn't clean up her act she has to move down stairs.

Swap the boys' and younger DD's rooms.

anonymousxoxo · 30/07/2023 06:48

mathanxiety · 30/07/2023 01:47

Oh deary me...and yawn...

Show quote history

Go to sleep then!

landbeforegrime · 30/07/2023 06:52

shouldn't you give up your room because at the end of the day you and dh decided to have 4 children and ended up in a house too small to accommodate them all? i realise life can be unexpected etc but 4 children is a lot and without guaranteed security was a risk. imho children should be put first when it's the parents who have made all the decisions that have led to this scenario, why should you and dh put yourselves first when at the end of the day this was not your children's fault. sorry this is harsh but i really don't understand people having such big families when they really don't know if they are going to be able to afford it. if it goes wrong children should come first.

anonymousxoxo · 30/07/2023 07:53

brokenlore · 30/07/2023 01:11

You have no idea if OP has fallen on hard time, shit happens. Op could have lived in a mansion when her kids were young, illness and or redundancy could have have resulted in having to sell everything or repossession. Op and her husband could have been living very comfortably overseas, but had to return because of elderly parents needing help, you have absolutely no idea why op is her current position.

Op we live in a very small cottage, it's a nightmare on many levels, but we're lucky in having a really good sized garden. Last year we put in a garden shed, (it's more summer house really) but it's properly insulted and wired and now dd whose autistic 'lives' there, she absolutely loves it. So if this is an option I'd go go for this, dd loves the fact she can have her friends to stay over (she doesn't have many friends as her autism really impacts her social and sensory areas the greatest) but her friends are similar to her and quite quirky, and I think they love having that bit of freedom and independence. It also means she doesn't have to cope with kitchen smells (she really hated any cooking smells wafting up through the rafters), she also struggled if I had the radio on in the kitchen and the TV was going in the living room, it was just hearing overload (I struggled with understanding this because she'd play her music so LOUD!) so the cabin in the garden has resolved all of these issues.

Show quote history

Where in OP does it say that or are you writing a story to fit your agenda?

anonymousxoxo · 30/07/2023 07:56

landbeforegrime · 30/07/2023 06:52

shouldn't you give up your room because at the end of the day you and dh decided to have 4 children and ended up in a house too small to accommodate them all? i realise life can be unexpected etc but 4 children is a lot and without guaranteed security was a risk. imho children should be put first when it's the parents who have made all the decisions that have led to this scenario, why should you and dh put yourselves first when at the end of the day this was not your children's fault. sorry this is harsh but i really don't understand people having such big families when they really don't know if they are going to be able to afford it. if it goes wrong children should come first.

Yup, so many people seem to be having kids when they cannot accommodate their needs. On top of it, living in a rented house meaning not many changes they can make..

BadNomad · 30/07/2023 07:59

There you go, OP. Return a couple of your children. Problem solved. Thank goodness for Mumsnet!

drinkuptheezider · 30/07/2023 08:02

As the messy DD is causing the issue, I would move her into the living room, single bed in the corner of the room. A couple of storage boxes for things, If she can't keep her area tidy, remove the opportunity to be messy. The boys get bigger room, other DD in box room.

SlippySarah · 30/07/2023 08:06

drinkuptheezider · 30/07/2023 08:02

As the messy DD is causing the issue, I would move her into the living room, single bed in the corner of the room. A couple of storage boxes for things, If she can't keep her area tidy, remove the opportunity to be messy. The boys get bigger room, other DD in box room.

That is a harsh punishment for a kid who obviously finds it hard to be organised and tidy and probably just needs some help and support. You could equally say the 13 yo was causing the issue.

Greenfishy · 30/07/2023 08:16

This might be unpopular on here but have you looked at the local HA/council housing list? If your poor DD tried to kill herself due to cramped living conditions you might find yourself eligible for a bigger property quite quickly.

BelindaBears · 30/07/2023 08:17

In order of preference I’d try:

  1. better division of the girls’ room - curtains, bookcases, whatever it took to make as much of a barrier as possible.
  2. youngest in with you and DD15 and older son share (but only if sufficient division in the room)
  3. you and DH downstairs.

Your children shouldn’t have to suffer because of their siblings, they didn’t choose to be one of 4, the inconvenience needs to land on you and DH unfortunately.

drinkuptheezider · 30/07/2023 08:21

SlippySarah · 30/07/2023 08:06

That is a harsh punishment for a kid who obviously finds it hard to be organised and tidy and probably just needs some help and support. You could equally say the 13 yo was causing the issue.

Show quote history

It's not a punishment. it's a consequence, and yes, the other alternative is the younger DD, but the older one is more likely to have a later bedtime and less intrusion into the evening.

Original poster
PlantsAndStuff · 30/07/2023 08:27

OverCCCs · 30/07/2023 02:25

There doesn’t seem to be an alternate rooming combination that will solve all of your problems, so why not tackle the easier to solve issues first. Get on your oldest DD constantly to pick up after herself, and you and your DH can be vigilant about going into their room a few times a day to check for any food, dirty laundry, etc. that needs cleaning out. Play the role as cleaner, as unappealing as that may be for a 15 year old. Buy younger DD a de-odorizing ozone spray or a scented spray to help mask any unpleasant odors. If older DD needs more storage solutions, buy them.

It might involve more work for everyone, but if it can keep everyone in proper bedrooms, it’ll be worth the effort.

Thank you I think this is the best thing to do for now and then readdress in a month or so and see how things are going

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 30/07/2023 08:29

If the sons 11&7 share bed 3 , in bunk beds why is 7yr scared to sleep as he isn't alone ?

Bigger room split for girls and as someone else said make the side with door for dd who is trifling so she doesn't have to walk through other dd mess

She on the other hand needs to grow up and help so tidy her stuff. And put things away to help her sister

You and dh in other room

You do need own space so sleeping in living room isnt going to work

Can uou consider moving to somewhere cheaper - with 4 beds or 2 living areas so dining room can be bed 4

Ariela · 30/07/2023 08:29

A chill out 'room' - summerhouse or shed in the garden might help if you have garden space - you can sometimes find one cheaply on Marketplace.

Fuckingfuming1 · 30/07/2023 08:29

Greenfishy · 30/07/2023 08:16

This might be unpopular on here but have you looked at the local HA/council housing list? If your poor DD tried to kill herself due to cramped living conditions you might find yourself eligible for a bigger property quite quickly.

You would literally have to actually kill yourself before it make any impact on the housing list

Original poster
PlantsAndStuff · 30/07/2023 08:30

BadNomad · 30/07/2023 07:59

There you go, OP. Return a couple of your children. Problem solved. Thank goodness for Mumsnet!

I know! So glad to find a solution!!

OP posts:
OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 30/07/2023 08:32

If you do this I would give your daughter with SEN the largest bedroom, not the messy daughter as you would be basically be treating the messy one for living in a shit tip and she will just make the larger bedroom a shit hole. If she at least has the box room it's not so much room for her to mess up.

NotSayingImBatman · 30/07/2023 08:36

You and DH take the box room, split/partition the larger double room for your DDs, and put your DSs in the other double. Bish bash bosh. Job done. You probably won’t fit much more than a double bed in the box room so you may need to continue storing your clothes in one of the other bedrooms.

Autumnsoon · 30/07/2023 08:38

I would say ,you need to move .the downstairs does not sound big enough

AnnieKayTee · 30/07/2023 08:43

Is the kitchen big enough to have your sofas and TV so that's the family room? Then the living room is free to use as a bedroom, even with a sofa bed so it can be 'tidied away' occasionally.

We sleep in our box room, small double and a rail wardrobe, to give the kids more bedroom space. If it came to it we would go downstairs aswel.

Ladysaurus · 30/07/2023 08:44

Sorry if this was already suggested. I don't have time to read every single post.

You say the girls and your bedrooms are the two doubles but theirs isn't possible to partition due to shape. But would yours be possible to partition and effectively you swap rooms?

I'm with your husband on not wanting to sleep in the living room. It's poor sleep hygiene (nothing to do with cleanliness).

Tiqtaq · 30/07/2023 08:45

This is a v small house that doesn't suit your needs, I'd be concentrating on finding a way to be able to move house.

timetochangethename · 30/07/2023 08:58

A completely out there idea.

Dd13 gets box room. You and Dd15 share middle room and dh and the boys have the biggest bedroom. Especially if the littlest ds still needs to share a bed with someone.

I think your dh needs to compromise, yes you are the adults but at the end of the day it's not the children's fault they are in this living situation.

Though not ideal a sofa bed in the lounge is fine for two adults, get a nice hamper/trunk to put the bedding in during the day. My rules would be that if the kids have all the bedrooms then in the evenings the living room is treated like your bedroom, so you have a place to relax.