Parents sleeping in living room so child can have own room

[PlantsAndStuff]

Will try to keep it brief but can clarify/answer questions if needed.
we have 4 children dd15, dd13, ds11, ds7. live in a 3 bed house private rent, 3rd room is box and not ideal but the boys share this with bunk beds, DH and I have one of the double rooms and the girls share the other.

Dd 13 is on the pathway for ASD diagnosis, gets overwhelmed easily, likes things neat and tidy, needs her own space, noise, mess and smells overwhelm her. but she is a high functioning, intelligent, kind girl. BUT her sister is naturally messy, a bit lazy and her putting dirty washing and food packets back into cupboards, drawers etc can make the room smell. she leaves things lying around etc.

We have had countless discussions about this but she is a teenager. DD13 just really struggles to manage this and they often argue.

a couple of weeks ago dd took an overdose after an argument with a friend at school, argument with dad, and an argument with DD15. She really does struggle without having her own place that is just hers.

There is no option to move house, and as we private rent cant split a room and due to the shape cant really divide them using curtain/storage boxes etc

If it was down to me i would sleep downstairs and let the girls have a room each. this would also benefit the boys as they wouldnt have to share box room.

DH is adamant that we cant do this. he says its not right that we dont have a room of our own when the kids can share and it just is completely unacceptable. I see where he is coming from, but it wouldnt be forever and im just so aware that dd13 is struggling and im scared of a repeat of her overdose.

any advice or opinions welcome

Can you move to a cheaper area and get a bigger house?

thanks ill look at these, not sure they will be possible but worth a look

I would insist on it OP. Its really not a big hardship to sleep in the living room if your DD is that distressed that she's taken an OD and this small thing will help her. I have a DD around the same age who cuts herself when she gets overwhelmed and i would walk over hot coals to make things better for her. Your DH does not sound like a supportive or caring father at all.

You can apply for a disabled facilities grant of up to £30K to modify a house for a disabled person. This grant is available to both home owners and renters and it is free for children. You could apply for an extension to provide an extra bedroom, get as much supporting evidence as you can and apply for it.

Can your two boys go in with your oldest DD and your 13yr old have the box room? Just until things are on a more even keel. Again not ideal, but needs must. If your downstairs is just two rooms, I really dont see how you can have one of them be a bedroom without it being hugely disruptive to all. And ADHD could potentially be an asset in this circumstance, if you can get her to have this issue be her hyperfocus then she will be able to run rings around everyone tidying and eliminating smells. The trick is to find a way of triggering the hyperfocus.

The 15 yo’s behaviour is absolutely not normal and is in fact incredibly similar to what my 11 yo does. She has a tendancy to hoard when stressed and blanks out sometimes - so we’ve found cereal bowls in cupboards before. Has she been assessed by any chance?

Can you find a floor plan of the house on Rightmove to see if people can help with suggestions?

But I would do what you’re suggesting at least until she is more stable (although I’m not sure if stable is an acceptable word - hopefully I’ve not caused offence)

I hope as a family you are also being supportive it must be very frightening.

That is way out of line.

i dont think that would be possible as its the only communal living space

I'm with dh. If the lounge also have the stairs in so no privacy ever, that would be huge issue

Not read all replies so apologies if already said.

split biggest room into two with bunks/wardrobes etc. put dd15 and son, you and DH take smaller double, dd13 in box room.

DS will be near another family member and hopefully sleep well and dd13 has own space.

he absolutely does, yes. Its something we have discussed

It can take a large mental toll on both adults and children not having their own space. It’s also worth considering your DH is on the spectrum too. A lot of evidence to show ASD is hereditary (which is why so many parents are being assessed and diagnosed after their own children have been diagnosed), the change in routine at home could knock his own mental health for 6.

Your DD15 is 15, she should not be being a slob at that age. You should be reading her the riot act, her sister has attempted to take her life in part because of her living conditions which DD15 is massively exacerbating. Be a parent and deal with the gross behaviour so your other DD isn’t ending up in this situation.

If you do go for sleeping downstairs

I would make it as easy as possible- nothing to clear away - maybe a click type sofa bed with storage under for your bedding. It'll get old really fast making up a bed and taking it down each morning to have a family room - something you can leave the sheets on like a daybed might work

Personally I'd make the living room as easily converted to a bedroom as possible regardless of who ends up sleeping where

Wardrobes built in to look like storage cabinets for daytime

I know someone who made curtains for their bunk beds and put a tv in each "cubby" and sockets, a shelf and lights - kids have their own space and some privacy despite sharing - they wallpapered each part in wallpaper that was different too - you say yours is rented so you probably can't wallpaper but there's loads of removable wallpapers available these days

I moved downstairs for a few years but am single and don't have stairs coming down into the lounge.

Might be worth talking to Shelter's excellent housing advice line about how likely you'd be to get a four bed LA / HA property (not that they can speak re every LA of course). Dreadful though it is, your DD's medical needs might give you more "points"?

this isnt our house, but another on our street. its almost identical. but in bedroom ours has built in corner wardrobes so makes dividing more difficult,

cant move as theres nothing private rental for miles around thats bigger and not over double our rent

I wouldn’t put dd13 in own room if she is suicidal and took an overdose. Better to have someone on watch non?

That would really damage my respect for him. Of course you sacrifice your comfort for your children. Particularly if one is suicidal! Your children did not create this situation and your dd should not have to sacrifice her mental health for his comfort.

theres also another ds 10, no room for 3 in a room

dont know why i didnt think of doing this! thank you

How does that make it OK for you both but not her?
Unless you think DD15 would mess it up with all her stuff.
But from what you said she doesn't need her 'own' space. Even if you have to help her clean it up it's better than sleeping there.

What about your two boys sleeping there then?

I know everyone else is going on about how bad your DH is, and how bad your DD15 is. As someone with ADHD (married to ASD DH!) I certainly sympathise. Your daughter's OD has certainly scared you, but at the same time if your H also needs his own space etc he is going to be adamant about it.

If your boys are NT (and still young) they would be easiest to move downstairs. It's a bigger place, they'd probably think of it as a camping type thing. In a couple of years your DD15 will hopefully be off to university just as they hit their teenage years.

Sorry to hear your story OP x

Similarly to as others have suggested, if it was me I would not move downstairs. I would:

• Swap bedrooms with the girls if they don't already have the wider double bedroom.
• Put a curtain pole track up across the middle of the ceiling so the room can be screened with opaque/semi-sheer curtain when the other side is messy and still have sunlight. Or drawn back when it is clean/acceptable.
• Importantly, situate your DD was ASD on the side of the room which has the door, so she never has to see/walk through the messy side.
• have separate storage for each daughter. Make the storage be more efficient for messy daughter. No open shelves where contents are on show and no furniture tops where clutter can accumulate. Basically full height wardrobe with everything stored inside that cant fit in efficient underbed storage.
• do a big clear out with messy daughter so she has less stuff and get her to step up and help keep her own room clean (with weekly incentives if required)

Good luck with whatever you end up doing x

Is it possible for the largest bedroom to be partitioned and the boys bunk bed is one side, and dd15 is on other?

shes not generally, she is very grateful she is still alive. its more a struggle to regulate her emotions and it got to a point she just couldnt cope with it

With the stairs in the living room, I feel it won’t really work for your DH as you said he also has ASD, there’ll never be privacy and even the children may be stressed as imagine someone wants to go downstairs to grab something maybe water in the kitchen, etc, these are inevitables and will be waking you up.
Many people may not like my opinion but if this was a situation I’m facing, I’ll work with DD15 and give her a month to start treating the room like a shared bedroom, lots of positive reinforcements, etc that’ll make her remember to stop treating the room like a bin, etc.
If after trying all that and still no change, she’ll be the one moving to the living room instead because I can’t have her negatively impacting her younger sibling. When she’s ready to change then she moves back up to the shared room.