Parents sleeping in living room so child can have own room

[PlantsAndStuff]

Will try to keep it brief but can clarify/answer questions if needed.
we have 4 children dd15, dd13, ds11, ds7. live in a 3 bed house private rent, 3rd room is box and not ideal but the boys share this with bunk beds, DH and I have one of the double rooms and the girls share the other.

Dd 13 is on the pathway for ASD diagnosis, gets overwhelmed easily, likes things neat and tidy, needs her own space, noise, mess and smells overwhelm her. but she is a high functioning, intelligent, kind girl. BUT her sister is naturally messy, a bit lazy and her putting dirty washing and food packets back into cupboards, drawers etc can make the room smell. she leaves things lying around etc.

We have had countless discussions about this but she is a teenager. DD13 just really struggles to manage this and they often argue.

a couple of weeks ago dd took an overdose after an argument with a friend at school, argument with dad, and an argument with DD15. She really does struggle without having her own place that is just hers.

There is no option to move house, and as we private rent cant split a room and due to the shape cant really divide them using curtain/storage boxes etc

If it was down to me i would sleep downstairs and let the girls have a room each. this would also benefit the boys as they wouldnt have to share box room.

DH is adamant that we cant do this. he says its not right that we dont have a room of our own when the kids can share and it just is completely unacceptable. I see where he is coming from, but it wouldnt be forever and im just so aware that dd13 is struggling and im scared of a repeat of her overdose.

any advice or opinions welcome

I think Magneta makes some excellent points here. I really feel for both your girls. Both of mine are autistic and my older girl also has ADHD and difficulties with executive functioning and sounds much like your 15 year old. She has needed loads of scaffolding in the past. In truth at 20 she still does at times but with and embedded structures in place she is so much better now. At times it is behaviour she can control and at times it is as a result of her ND and I think it is really important for us as parents of kids with additional needs that we can differentiate between both behaviours. Your girl needs support not punishment. Some of the responses from others on these are completely lacking in understanding and empathy for your children and your situation.

I also feel for your DH (I have a similar one). He is getting unfairly slammed. I expect with his ASD he also needs a place to decompress and recover with sleep. My DH has a very stressful job and when he gets home he needs a quiet place to decompress and he would not be able to do a day's work after a night of disturbed or uncomfortable sleep. And you and your sleep and emotional wellbeing matters too. Both of you won't be able to look after your kids if you are exhausted and stressed.

Tiredtoday0 has some great suggestions regarding splitting the rooms and there are a few other really good suggestions. Take your time and between all the suggestions you will find something that works. Can I also suggest buying a pop up dark den. They are inexpensive, easy to store and can be a place of sanctuary for anyone in the family when needed. Ear defenders are also useful.

I hope your 13yo feels better soon and that somewhere in this thread you find what works so that the needs of everyone in your family can be met. Take care of yourself.

Where in OP does it say that or are you writing a story to fit your agenda?

Op doesn't mention anything about her past, and nor does she have to, I was merely pointing out shit happens and life changes, you attacked op by pretty much telling her she shouldn't have had so many children given her current living space. You and I have no idea if this has always been the case or if OP's circumstances have changed, and it's non of our business, op was asking for solutions not scorn. If you can't understand how peoples lives can change, sometimes quite dramatically then you are either from a very privileged position with a private income, so safe financially safe from shit happening, or haven't yet had the carpet snatched from under you. Just be grateful you've never yet found yourself in a situation that you thought was secure only to have your whole world crumble through no fault of your own....then again you're clearly unhappy as you like to attack anyone who is trying to help OP. So maybe things aren't that rosy for you either? In which case, I'm sorry you're also having a shite time. Life is definitely hard at the moment for lots of people, especially when it comes to finding housing. And no I'm not 'making up a story to fit an agenda' I've given an alternative possibility, just as I'm giving an alternative possibility to you being unhappy rather than an unpleasant judgemental individual.

Haha, it’s 4 kids not 14, dear god some of you are dramatic. As I said before, definitely split the room, it will give each child a sense of having a safe space. The older child might also feel more pride in “her room” and keep it tidier.

Go shopping for new bedding (if you can afford it) and accessories/paint, you don’t need to spend allot but it could give them both a bit of a boost and a sense of ownership.

From experience allot of children on the spectrum seem to love cosy, safe, spaces. I would definitely get both a loft bed (if they like the idea), you can find lots on Facebook market place. Wether they would prefer a more practical space or a cosy den like space depends on them of course.

I definitely wouldn’t leave it as it is, explain to them how much effort you are going to to give them there own “room” and how you need them both to keep it tidy. Don’t single the older teen out, even though she’s the messy one.

Thank you ❤️

I feel sorry for both your daughters who sound like they have their own issues on top of living in stressful circumstances through no fault of their own. Some of the suggestions to send the eldest daughter to live with other family or put her in a caravan by herself are awful and will surely ruin any relationship you have with her. I imagine she’ll be applying for her own council flat as soon as she turns 16 poor girl

Do you have any room under the stairs? A daybed could manage sleeping someone there if you had room for it

You don't need a full garden room for DD to have some dedicated space- have her sleep inside and just a shed with some lighting for darker evenings and maybe a duvet style coat or slanket for warmth- a few shelves for belongings to be kept safe on, and perhaps a desk and chair and pretty up the den with some fairy lights and a bathmat for easy cleaning rug - purely somewhere to get some quiet retreat from over stimulation and prevent noise pollution by giving her headphones if she watches tv on her phone or listens to music in there

I'd convert the girls room with the kallax- just secure it to the wall so no accidents - you can easily fill in a few holes and repair the wall to make it unnoticeable if you ever move and if you can afford it have a shed too

Both girls can participate in the project of converting the space- not a punishment, pick out bedding and removable wallpaper and help DH and you in building it - older DD is more likely to take care of the space if it feels specific to her. A sparkly bin perhaps included in her plan

You can also make more space for the kids by moving their clothes into your bedroom if you can hold more wardrobes or even the under stair space for this - it might seem odd but it'll be easier for putting away laundry and keeping them organised and perhaps even save some time with less wandering around to put clean clothes away from the laundry

Ikea also does the DIGINET curtain tracks which can divide space with some cleverly arranged drop cloths or bedsheets hemmed into floor length curtains with the magic iron hemming tape and you could repair the ceiling to be unnoticeable with some filler and white paint if you moved

I'll have a look at that, thank you

Both girls need space. Both girls need support.

I've read most of the thread. There aren't any good options, only manageable ones that are worth a try.

If you think that mr7 will continue to need parental support to fall asleep long term then moving him into your room might be an option. But I don't think it will actually free up space.

I would consider you and dh swapping with the girls. Even if it seems silly. There is something about needing to completely empty a room and put it back together elsewhere that is easier to manage than just tidying a room. We just had 2 kids swap as my 13yo (also on the spectrum) struggled so much with the noise from the street at the front of the house. Taking out all the toys and clothing really did help make sure that we had set them up for success in keeping the spaces clear.

A few people have posted ikea options. The curtains are much better than you'd imagine at dividing rooms.

It's possible both girls will need to wear headphones when watching tv/on devices. What can you get them that gives them both a sense of privacy while accepting that they do have to share a bedroom.

A space in the garden that can be used for craft/as a reading nook might give you another space as a family. It sounds like all of you could benefit from having a little bit of room to be away from each other.

My youngest sister had a bed curtained off on the landing for a few years. There weren't enough bedrooms and for various reasons this was the best option. People make their space work for their families in all sorts of creative ways.

I hope your younger daughter is getting supports as needed, and all of you are doing better soon.

@PlantsAndStuff Haven’t read every message (have read OPs) so don’t know if this has been suggested or possible. I looked at the house plan and the only free space seems to be in the kitchen/dining room. This area seems to be a good size, so could you possibly make a private space in the dining area for a bedroom for you and DH?

You could perhaps have some units, at 90 degrees to wall, between end of the kitchen units and French doors to split the new area from the kitchen. Units could also be used for your clothes etc. If you have a table in there, at the moment it could be moved into the living area.

I know it would impact on kitchen and back access, but would give you all the privacy you need for sleeping. Boys could then have the biggest bedroom to share and girls a room each. I would be tempted to put dd15 in smallest room, because she is so messy (less space to mess up). Just an idea…

A bunk bed in the middle of the room

With some cleverly placed mdf to hide the other half from each bunk

Or done with curtains on each side though mdf would make it more private and easier to decorate and add a light in each cubby

Pinterest has a ton of great clever design ideas for exactly this situation

No he's not, FFS.

Actually, this is the best idea I've seen so far.

Sofa and tv in the dining room, and the lounge becomes your bedroom, with bed, wardrobes etc.

I'd partition the living room with stud wall (does it have a window?) to create a hallway with stairs and kitchen access. You could also add in a cupboard or bedroom wardrobe.

Then you have a fourth bedroom.

Boys share the largest bedroom, then you and DH share second largest, then girls each get a small room of their own.

Use kitchen diner as family room, put TV on wall

It's not letting me add pics for some reason.

What I mean

We have room rules with boys that share as they are like your dd. No food and drink upstairs. They have to tidy through every evening. Dc with sensory issues has noise cancelling headphones that are worth their weight in gold as they listen to audio books

Looking at the floor plan, is it possible to get a double bed in the box room? Even if it takes up the whole room?

If you can then you could use that as your sleeping space, store clothes in the largest room.

If there is room for a double then consider a murphy bed with a sofa conversion.

https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/435723332704157488/

So it is where you sleep but can be a bolt hole for anyone wanting a bit of a time out in the day / before bed.

Not as good as an extra bedroom and the girls would still be sharing but have a place to get away form each other.

Firstly, I'm sorry you're having a rough time and if I had to, I'd sleep in the living room for my children.

But I think there are better solutions that you don't need to.

Explore as much as possible the room separation ideas here. I'd be keeping dd13 sharing as a pp said, if she's suicidal then having her own room means she'd be more secretive possibly and I'd want her quietly watched and sharing a room allows for that.

It sounds like DD15 has adhd freeze. Look into coping mechanisms for that. Make it as easy as poss for her to keep room clean like pp said. No food in room rule. Storage, laundry baskets. I'm sure you do anyway but go clean the room yourself daily. If you went into living room you'd spend time making up a sofa bed and packing away duvet etc. why not spend that time cleaning their room and prevent it from getting mucky or smelly (I'm sure you do anyway).

If you really can't get a room separator then a curtain pole and acoustic curtains so there is some separation.

I understand why DH doesnt want to move. I think it might be a bit chaotic sleeping in a communal space. I know people are being helpful but a bed in kitchen area just sounds like a nightmare.

You clearly are having a tricky time and I cannot imagine how hard its been having a child in such a state so please forgive me if the following seems in any way intensive.

However speaking from experience, please for the good of your marriage avoid having to sleep in the living room and explore every other option first.

Zero privacy, zero space, sleep hygiene is dreadful, you have nowhere to go to escape when you need a moment, no pull down bed is ever suitable for two adults, intimacy is impacted.

We thought I'd be ok, and now years later it's taken a huge toll. You can't steer a ship if you're miserable yourselves.

You can’t have a sleeping area in the kitchen for all sorts of health and safety reasons but mostly, in this instance, the lack of space. Where do you think the bed and bedding is going to go when people are cooking? It will also stink of cooking smells.

My DH and I slept in the lounge for a couple of years to allow our boys to have their own rooms when it was needed temporarily a few years back. It was fine. It was the best solution at the time and I look back on it now with fond memories. Sleeping in the lounge isn't so bad! Sounds like your children would really benefit. In a few years the house will be quiet and you'll have the whole house to yourselves (and will miss sleeping in the lounge to give your daughter's their own rooms. Hearing them upstairs happy, listening to music, chatting etc...). Your children are only young once. I'd say prioritise them now and you and your husband won't regret it!

I would move downstairs.

Nobody is "naturally messy and lazy" except people who are allowed to get away with living like that.

You need to make the older girl raise her game and start showing some self respect and respect for others.

I think before you move downstairs, you should approach your landlord about a partition on one of the bigger bedrooms.

Is DD13 under the care of a psychiatrist? Can you afford to get one for her?

Having seen your floorplan, you and DH should move into the smaller of the doubles, DD13 moves into the box room, and the boys and DD15 share the bigger double. You can get a partition to separate the boys and DD.

But you have to stop DD15's slobbing too.

You are doing your level and absolute best to sort this and balance everyone's needs. I haven't got anything to add to the suggestions about partitions etc but I want you to know you sound like a smashing Mum and I'm sending you warmest huggy type vibes