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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this child in my home?

264 replies

AlastorMoodysMadEye · 29/07/2023 14:53

I feel like I should caveat this with me not actually holding this child responsible. She’s 4 so her behaviour isn’t necessarily something she can self regulate but it’s awful behaviour that her parents also seem to be unable/unwilling to address.

But I’ve had it. Every time she’s here things get broken - from cups to walls and furniture - because she repeatedly plays with or climbs on things she’s asked not to. You ask her not to eat anywhere but the table and she’ll grab her food and run off to the bathroom/bedroom/couch and smear whatever she has wherever she is. You ask her to leave things alone and she won’t until you wrestle them off her and then she will throw a massive tantrum, which can be ear-splitting and often involves her kicking out and more things being damaged or people being hurt.

Obviously the answer is don’t have her back until she behaves but if I set a rule like that it’ll cause the most almighty family row, with generations getting involved, and I’m not sure, knowing that it would be coming, whether I’m actually being unreasonable as how do we expect 4yo children to behave? And I’ll be told stuff is less important than faaaaaaamily.

So AIBU to actually put my home and belongings (and shins) ahead of family unity? Or do I have to suck it up and have my house trashed whenever she comes.

OP posts:
Sherrystrull · 29/07/2023 14:55

My advice would be to meet her and her family at their own home or in a neutral place like a park or a cafe.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 29/07/2023 14:55

Dump it on its parents' laps when it kicks off.

electriclight · 29/07/2023 14:55

Only have her round with a supervising parent.

If they don't respond appropriately, avoid inviting them until she's a bit older - meet in neutral places, make excuses.

Lavender14 · 29/07/2023 14:57

Where are her parents when this is happening? What's her relationship to you and how often is she visiting?

Begonne · 29/07/2023 15:00

In a family dynamic I wouldn’t say anything directly, but I’d just meet elsewhere.

“We’re going to be in the park then - why don’t you join us there?”
”We’ll be in your neighbourhood then, how about we stop by?”
”Oh we’ve plans that day but we’ll see you all at grandmas at the weekend”
etc

StillPerplexed · 29/07/2023 15:01

YABU. It's good for small children's development to climb on things, but you could try and contain the impulse in a "yes space" which is more child friendly, where you don't have to continually watch her, redirect or tell her no.

AnSolas · 29/07/2023 15:03

You go to theirs and be just on the way out if they arrive on your doorstep.

If the parent and child arrives and you cant get out fast enough and they come in inform them both what the rules are and that the parent will have to go home if the rule is broken. Send them both home once the child trys to kick off.

Raindropsoncanvas · 29/07/2023 15:06

Make lots of excuses - you’re decorating, you’ve just shampooed the carpet which is still wet, the window cleaner’s working inside your house on this occasion, you just happen to expecting visitors, to avoid her and a family row. Meet her in her own home where she can trash it as much as she likes.
She’s old enough to know not to do this. Don’t her parents find the way she is behaving unacceptable?
I would.

Caroparo52 · 29/07/2023 15:21

Don't give in to this. Your home your rules. I would diplomatically avoid the situation occurring.
Meet in neutral setting or at her parent's house

cbuew9 · 29/07/2023 15:21

I'm sorry this isn't normal behaviour for a 4 year old. My son started school 2 months after he was 4, he certainly didn't behave like this. He had to sit down for lessons and stay still when a story was read.
I don't think smearing food over walls/sofas etc is normal for a 4 year old to do.

toochesterdraws · 29/07/2023 15:26

I wouldn't want a feral brat like that in my house either.

DarkForces · 29/07/2023 15:30

StillPerplexed · 29/07/2023 15:01

YABU. It's good for small children's development to climb on things, but you could try and contain the impulse in a "yes space" which is more child friendly, where you don't have to continually watch her, redirect or tell her no.

That might be fine in their own home but you can't expect others to make a zone in their house that's child friendly to the extent they don't need rules.

Surely you don't allow your children to clamber all over people's homes and break stuff?

whumpthereitis · 29/07/2023 15:32

I don’t understand why it’s considered better by some to allow yourself, and your home, to be walked all over in the name of ‘keeping the peace’.

Genuinely, fuck that. I don’t care how many people wanted to bitch at me about it, I wouldn’t be having that in my house.

Beachwalker66 · 29/07/2023 15:33

Surely this is easily fixed by seeing them outside your home?

Unless you are disabled/housebound, in which case I think you will have to speak to the parents.

Coffeeforus · 29/07/2023 15:33

As pp said make excuses to meet elsewhere, deflect visits etc. What are the child’s parents doing when she is trashing your house? She is too old for this kind of behaviour so do you think it’s useless parenting or possible SEN?

Either way no one has to put up with a child trashing their house and if any family criticise you tell them they are welcome to host instead.

StillPerplexed · 29/07/2023 15:33

DarkForces · 29/07/2023 15:30

That might be fine in their own home but you can't expect others to make a zone in their house that's child friendly to the extent they don't need rules.

Surely you don't allow your children to clamber all over people's homes and break stuff?

Show quote history

Not break things or climb on tables etc., no. But if my very young child is regularly going to visit an aunt or grandparent etc, those family members do tend to set aside some space with toys for all the children to play. OP left it ambiguous what the family relation was...

Gymmum82 · 29/07/2023 15:34

To avoid family drama you don’t have to specifically say you are never coming to my house ever again.
Just if they ask to come over say ‘we’ll come to you’ ‘let’s meet at the park/soft play’ ‘let’s go to x cafe for lunch’ just have an excuse ready so they don’t get the option to come to your house.
I wouldn’t have a child like that in my home and I wouldn’t tolerate it from my own children or their friends. By 4 they should know better

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 29/07/2023 15:34

Send them an invoice every time.
When my dgm was alive I had 4 dc under 7. Visited monthly and nothing was touched /broken /vandalised.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/07/2023 15:35

Her parent’s home must be in an incredible state? Does she behave like this everywhere?

Tbh they’re the problem so I wouldn’t have any of them over again.

dodobookends · 29/07/2023 15:35

StillPerplexed · 29/07/2023 15:01

YABU. It's good for small children's development to climb on things, but you could try and contain the impulse in a "yes space" which is more child friendly, where you don't have to continually watch her, redirect or tell her no.

It would be better for the parents to teach her some manners and to do as she's told.

TheHappyCarrot · 29/07/2023 15:37

No way would that child be allowed in my home, it's massively disrespectful of the parents to not discipline their child in your home.

KnittedCardi · 29/07/2023 15:37

StillPerplexed · 29/07/2023 15:01

YABU. It's good for small children's development to climb on things, but you could try and contain the impulse in a "yes space" which is more child friendly, where you don't have to continually watch her, redirect or tell her no.

Errr no. My house my rules. My children were never allowed to climb on anything, or trash their house, let alone anyone else's. No food or drink anywhere but the kitchen and sitting down. That goes for my car too. A four year old is well able to follow rules if you set them.

My nephew was a bit like this. He was subsequently banned from all our houses after he threw a brick through my brothers window. Unintentional, of course, but he had been told to leave the pile of bricks alone, and didn't. So consequences for actions.

CaptainMyCaptain · 29/07/2023 15:39

cbuew9 · 29/07/2023 15:21

I'm sorry this isn't normal behaviour for a 4 year old. My son started school 2 months after he was 4, he certainly didn't behave like this. He had to sit down for lessons and stay still when a story was read.
I don't think smearing food over walls/sofas etc is normal for a 4 year old to do.

I agree this behaviour isn't normal. I wouldn't want her in my house and telling the parents why might push them to getting help for her - or maybe just enforce some boundaries at home.

TheUsualChaos · 29/07/2023 15:39

StillPerplexed · 29/07/2023 15:01

YABU. It's good for small children's development to climb on things, but you could try and contain the impulse in a "yes space" which is more child friendly, where you don't have to continually watch her, redirect or tell her no.

But it's not the child's house. Would you really expect someone else to designate part of their home to be a "child friendly" space?

Assuming no other issues, four is old enough to understand basic rules like food only at the table and not playing with things they are told not to.

Are the parents there as well when all this happens?

Deadringer · 29/07/2023 15:42

My dc seemed to have developed normally and they didn't climb all over the furniture, either in my house or in any else's. They climbed in the garden and in playgrounds. Op as pp said make excuses so that they cant visit, or do what i would do, tell the parents that their child's behaviour is unacceptable, or rather their lack of intervention is.