To not want this child in my home?

[AlastorMoodysMadEye]

I feel like I should caveat this with me not actually holding this child responsible. She’s 4 so her behaviour isn’t necessarily something she can self regulate but it’s awful behaviour that her parents also seem to be unable/unwilling to address.

But I’ve had it. Every time she’s here things get broken - from cups to walls and furniture - because she repeatedly plays with or climbs on things she’s asked not to. You ask her not to eat anywhere but the table and she’ll grab her food and run off to the bathroom/bedroom/couch and smear whatever she has wherever she is. You ask her to leave things alone and she won’t until you wrestle them off her and then she will throw a massive tantrum, which can be ear-splitting and often involves her kicking out and more things being damaged or people being hurt.

Obviously the answer is don’t have her back until she behaves but if I set a rule like that it’ll cause the most almighty family row, with generations getting involved, and I’m not sure, knowing that it would be coming, whether I’m actually being unreasonable as how do we expect 4yo children to behave? And I’ll be told stuff is less important than faaaaaaamily.

So AIBU to actually put my home and belongings (and shins) ahead of family unity? Or do I have to suck it up and have my house trashed whenever she comes.

You'd take food off a four year old because they leave the table? If you took food off me for leaving the table don't think my behaviour would improve!!

Why not? They'll eventually learn that leaving the table signifies the meal is over. How else does anyone learn?

you have my sympathies! We're dealing with something similar as we also have regular family guests with one very unruly child. We have kids ourselves but one of theirs is similar. Parents deny that there is autism involved even though a lot of traits are clearly visible. We have to remove all the lego builds of my kids when they are coming as he takes everything apart. Every item in the room he has to pick up and touch, things with batteries get switched on and off endlessly (until the battery is dead). At their last visit I thought I had removed all 'risks' but he still managed to find a heavy object which then broke my coffee table as it fell out of his hands. Parents claimed it was an accident that could happen to anyone, but he shouldn't have been playing with in the first place. The problem is that he is now older so every time we/they assume he will be fine on his own for a while. I think the parents are similarly desensitized as a previous poster said (I really feel for them) so they don't see it as disruptive as we do.
When he's leafing through books, he has to fold every page (aarghh), he's completely obsessed with anything electronic (so we remove everything beforehand) and he would love to go upstairs as he rightly suspects that is where we hide all the good stuff. It is exhausting and the last incident has demonstrated to us that we must watch him much closer.

he still managed to find a heavy object which then broke my coffee table as it fell out of his hands. Parents claimed it was an accident that could happen to anyone

Even so - I hope they replaced the coffee table at least? That’s terrible. I simply wouldn’t have them back.

My friends son is like this. Ive decided recently to go round her house or meet somewhere instead. She’s too laid back and barely tells him
off while I’m asking him nicely not to bash the crap out of our fish tank or jump off sofas. I’m very house proud and my daughter has a very gentle nature and wouldn’t go on like that. If I don’t allow my daughter to wreck the place, it’s no example letting her son do it. frustrating when people are so blasé about their kids behavior!
As for your situation, they can’t expect to stay over and will need a hotel. It’s your HOME. If they ask you can make excuses (decorating or something). Or just bite the bullet and say you’re uncomfortable with the kid’s behavior and it’s a lot of mess and cleaning when they leave! If they can’t handle it, they’re to blame anyway.

@Weflewinstyle made me laugh so much 😆 I sweer some people post replies & don't bother reading any other responses 1st 🙈

How about "you can choose one of two things, shoes off and watch the TV or shoes on and play in the garden" "feet are for kicking balls not people" give them a ball to kick.. "ornaments are for looking at with eyes, you can touch this with your hands" and give then something to play with or hold. There is nothing wrong with a firm no and also a flat palm held in the air "stop" "you can eat your dinner at this table or this table" giving them choice makes them feel they are in control, when actually you are because you are giving them choices that are acceptable to you. Only ever give two choices though. If she's the only child alot of it will be attention seeking... also "sofas are for sitting, you can climb on xyz" provide something outside for her to climb on

Simple rule here. No children. House not safe for them!

Several people
But so what if she is the Op.is still.allowed not to.have her in her house
My son is severely autistic and has severe learning disabilities his behaviour is very challenging I don't take him to their people,s homes because if this .

I agree. Friends with 'boisterously destructive' children that they choose not to control are not welcome at my house.

Smack?

She’s being unreasonable about a child smearing food on the chairs and her parents not stopping her and continually doing the opposite of what they say?! Im not sure we agree on our parenting styles….

Has anyone else thought that this little girl might be on the autistic spectrum or ADHD?

Only every other poster.