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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this child in my home?

264 replies

AlastorMoodysMadEye · 29/07/2023 14:53

I feel like I should caveat this with me not actually holding this child responsible. She’s 4 so her behaviour isn’t necessarily something she can self regulate but it’s awful behaviour that her parents also seem to be unable/unwilling to address.

But I’ve had it. Every time she’s here things get broken - from cups to walls and furniture - because she repeatedly plays with or climbs on things she’s asked not to. You ask her not to eat anywhere but the table and she’ll grab her food and run off to the bathroom/bedroom/couch and smear whatever she has wherever she is. You ask her to leave things alone and she won’t until you wrestle them off her and then she will throw a massive tantrum, which can be ear-splitting and often involves her kicking out and more things being damaged or people being hurt.

Obviously the answer is don’t have her back until she behaves but if I set a rule like that it’ll cause the most almighty family row, with generations getting involved, and I’m not sure, knowing that it would be coming, whether I’m actually being unreasonable as how do we expect 4yo children to behave? And I’ll be told stuff is less important than faaaaaaamily.

So AIBU to actually put my home and belongings (and shins) ahead of family unity? Or do I have to suck it up and have my house trashed whenever she comes.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 29/07/2023 15:43

I would not like a child like that in my house, OP.
What is the relationship between you and the child? Do other relatives have the same experience when this child visits?

CherryMaDeara · 29/07/2023 15:45

Why can you not meet at your parents house or out and about?

Don’t need to mention the child, just say you’re not up to visitors.

Dukeydo · 29/07/2023 15:46

Sherrystrull · 29/07/2023 14:55

My advice would be to meet her and her family at their own home or in a neutral place like a park or a cafe.

This

I have siblings that I am now pretty much NC with, but they both have children - one has a boy who is very like this mother (my sister) games are all his rules, his game and he controls everything. Everything is then overseen by the warlord (aka my sister) who chastises him if he loses or does anything against her will. Just no. Even phone calls she monitored and we got a running commentary of show them this - do this. After one very long phone call (at her request as he is as only child) my child got off the phone and said ‘that was an hour and 20 minutes that was wasted he didn’t ask me one question or let me say a word’ we haven’t phoned back and they haven’t phoned us - that was two years ago.

another sibling has two girls - youngest is lovely, eldest is a bit like you describe - smashed everything and my brother says she is just excitable - I was told off for putting the dogs away as she wanted to ‘ride’ him - he wasn’t a horse and then when I refused my brother suggested she rode me 😱just no.

so meet at theirs or a park. Your house your rules.

Dustybarn · 29/07/2023 15:48

My DF and his late wife had a very extensive collection of China items which were one every surface in their living room. When my young and very exuberant nieces used to stay, DF would do a tidy and put all breakable items into storage in the garage. It took them a day to prepare but it kept the peace….

cbuew9 · 29/07/2023 15:52

StillPerplexed · 29/07/2023 15:01

YABU. It's good for small children's development to climb on things, but you could try and contain the impulse in a "yes space" which is more child friendly, where you don't have to continually watch her, redirect or tell her no.

You think the OP is unreasonable?? That she should expect to have food smeared on the sofa, walls etc? 😧

Spirallingdownwards · 29/07/2023 15:53

StillPerplexed · 29/07/2023 15:01

YABU. It's good for small children's development to climb on things, but you could try and contain the impulse in a "yes space" which is more child friendly, where you don't have to continually watch her, redirect or tell her no.

🙈 WTF!

IglesiasPiggl · 29/07/2023 15:54

I would first off minimise the number of visits by deflecting to other locations, and then putting your breakables high up for the few times she does come to your house. Is she poorly disciplined at home? Throwing a tantrum every time she is told no would point to that also never happening at home.

Wheresmyrobe · 29/07/2023 15:54

I assume this is a niece/nephew?

Like others have said, simply don't meet in your house anymore.

Callmesleepy · 29/07/2023 15:55

I think it's time to start an extensive programme of renovations which mean you always have tools lying around. There will be delays. The builder will probably go bankrupt halfway through leaving a missing floor somewhere. There will always be things like loose live wires and maybe even a sinkhole in the driveway. Your house will be so child unfriendly that she will be kept away for her own safety.

It's that or just say you're finding it all a bit stressful and can you just meet somewhere else.

Luxell934 · 29/07/2023 15:56

Doesn’t sound like a typical 4 year old, they clearly have other issues going on.

x2boys · 29/07/2023 15:56

StillPerplexed · 29/07/2023 15:01

YABU. It's good for small children's development to climb on things, but you could try and contain the impulse in a "yes space" which is more child friendly, where you don't have to continually watch her, redirect or tell her no.

Not in other peoples homes🙄
What are the parents doing a out this Op?
My child is,severely autistic and has always x been incredibly destructive but we watch him like hawks,especially if we are out and about we don't just let him destroy whatever he wants .

LakeTiticaca · 29/07/2023 15:57

Assuming the child is a relative. Do they behave like this in their own or other family members homes?
You need to do a bit of straight talking to the parents about this behaviour. It's not normal. I have 4 boys who were pretty boisterous as young kids but never behaved like this.
Just tell them.they are not welcome until the behaviour improves

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 29/07/2023 15:58

@Dukeydo the warlord 😂😂😂

curaçao · 29/07/2023 15:58

That does not sound like the behaviour of a NT 4 year old!
What you do now depends on your relationship to this girl.If a friends child them easy to avoid them coming over, if a close relative it may not be as easy

topnoddy · 29/07/2023 16:06

Who's kid is this horrible little shit then ?

Your house , your rules , no kids , full stop , jobs a good un !

Iwasrightallalong · 29/07/2023 16:09

Behaviour is communication OP. This is not a badly behaved child, no 4 year old is “bad”.
She is telling you all (in often the only way that young children can) that she is struggling with something/many things. If you are invested in her I would advise to take the time to really talk to her, spend time with her and let her know you’re there and you want to listen to her and take her seriously, she needs to trust you. What is your relationship with her if you don’t mind me asking?

Tatzelwyrm · 29/07/2023 16:10

who is she?

SleepingStandingUp · 29/07/2023 16:15

I'd suggest meeting elsewhere.

Lilith seems to struggle with her behaviour when she's at ours, so lets meet somewhere she'll be happier!

StuartBroadshairband · 29/07/2023 16:17

AlastorMoodysMadEye · 29/07/2023 14:53

I feel like I should caveat this with me not actually holding this child responsible. She’s 4 so her behaviour isn’t necessarily something she can self regulate but it’s awful behaviour that her parents also seem to be unable/unwilling to address.

But I’ve had it. Every time she’s here things get broken - from cups to walls and furniture - because she repeatedly plays with or climbs on things she’s asked not to. You ask her not to eat anywhere but the table and she’ll grab her food and run off to the bathroom/bedroom/couch and smear whatever she has wherever she is. You ask her to leave things alone and she won’t until you wrestle them off her and then she will throw a massive tantrum, which can be ear-splitting and often involves her kicking out and more things being damaged or people being hurt.

Obviously the answer is don’t have her back until she behaves but if I set a rule like that it’ll cause the most almighty family row, with generations getting involved, and I’m not sure, knowing that it would be coming, whether I’m actually being unreasonable as how do we expect 4yo children to behave? And I’ll be told stuff is less important than faaaaaaamily.

So AIBU to actually put my home and belongings (and shins) ahead of family unity? Or do I have to suck it up and have my house trashed whenever she comes.

Meet at the zoo.

Nanny0gg · 29/07/2023 16:20

StillPerplexed · 29/07/2023 15:33

Not break things or climb on tables etc., no. But if my very young child is regularly going to visit an aunt or grandparent etc, those family members do tend to set aside some space with toys for all the children to play. OP left it ambiguous what the family relation was...

Show quote history

I've always had toys for my DGC. I still do.

But my house isn't a playground and my furniture isn't for climbing on

SwitchDiver · 29/07/2023 16:20

Is your home in any way child friendly? Is there a play space and toys for the child?

CapEBarra · 29/07/2023 16:20

StillPerplexed · 29/07/2023 15:01

YABU. It's good for small children's development to climb on things, but you could try and contain the impulse in a "yes space" which is more child friendly, where you don't have to continually watch her, redirect or tell her no.

There’s a place for climbing and acting recklessly with other peoples things. This is literally why we have parks, and why living rooms are not kitted out like Ninja Warrior.

OP, you are not being unreasonable. She’s likely acting up because she’s bored to death while adults are sat around talking. Meet at parks, or soft play, or other people’s homes. Where you feel obliged to host have an appointment in an hour or two, or meet at yours with the joint intention to go on elsewhere.

Fraaahnces · 29/07/2023 16:22

Start invoicing the parents for damage.

MyMachineAndMe · 29/07/2023 16:22

When you say you ask her to do or not do something, what do you mean? If you're actually asking, it suggests that it's optional; if you firmly tell them, and then again with a clear and specific consequence if they don't, it gives out a different message. I do this with visiting children and if their parents don't like it then, politely, it's tough. My house, despite being a bit chaotic and cluttered, is not a bouncy castle playground.

FriendsDrinkBook · 29/07/2023 16:25

Definitely meet elsewhere op. My son is autistic and can't regulate his behaviour in others homes. Therefore when we visit family I keep the visits short and try to keep him playing in the garden on his scooter or something. Otherwise there would be books everywhere and it would be unfair. It sounds like your relatives are not taking responsibility for this child properly.