To have a row over a sneeze

[BarchesterTowels]

My wife really hates it when I sneeze. In fact, I think it's the only thing in our relationship that has ever made her truly angry. And, to be fair, my sneezes are quite violent and noisy. But they are totally genuine, I'm not playing them up or doing it for effect. My dad was also an explosive sneezer, and so is my only sibling, so maybe it's hereditary.

It doesn't happen often, but when it does my wife gets absolutely furious if I sneeze in her presence. I once did it on a country walk and she didn't talk to me for over an hour. At home I either have to sprint out of the room and sneeze elsewhere, or stifle it by pinching my nose. I hate doing that (it's painful) and I once read that it could be dangerous.

I've tried talking to my wife about it but she won't even let me broach the subject. My perspective is that it's a bodily function, I don't have any control over it and it's just a part of me she needs to accept. I'd love to know what she thinks I should do when I get an ominous tickle in the back of my throat while we're watching TV, but my last attempt to find out resulted in a prolonged sulk (hers, not mine)
Our marriage is otherwise happy and totally harmonious. AIBU?

Do you live in Manchester? Because if you do, I think we've heard you. And I said to dp at the time that I felt sorry for your wife.

We were crossing the road in a group of people and the chap stopped dead, bent over and then literally screamed aaaaccchhhoooo at the top of his lungs. Ridiculous. So jarring for everyone around. I do still giggle at the memory but I'm bloody glad I don't live with that.

I'd have to fucking murder you if you were my partner and did that!!! 😂

Totally agree with this. My ex was the same and used to constantly wake the baby. Other people can stifle their sneezes when they're around sleeping babies or wives who get the rage over it, why can't you?

I'm a female loud sneezer, I seem to get it from my dad. When DH first witnessed dad sneeze he said "omg that's where you get your sneeze from, how do you inherit a sneeze?!" Weirdly enough our 9 y/o has also inherited the sneeze.

I can lessen the noise by sort of tensing my throat but it hurts, so I usually don't tbh.

@Destinedforfakeness me too! I’m going to have to step away, this thread is making me angry.

It’s always men and it’s always performance seeking bollocks. You wouldn’t do it in a work meeting so don’t subject your family to it. Grow up and learn to do it quietly. And hiccuping while you’re at it.

I think YANBU, provided that you cover your face when you sneeze, as we all should, whether the sneeze is loud or soft.

Might it be an idea to talk about it with your GP (if you can get an appointment!) or pharmacist, in case there is some problem causing or aggravating the issue?

Your wife may have misophonia. But I do get irritated by the frequent MN attitude that EVERYTHING that a person does that might annoy someone is done to show off or for 'performative' reasons. Rarely the case IMO even when people are really being rude or inconsiderate, which I doubt that you are being,

Nope. I'm a woman and I sneeze loudly. It's not performance, it's just what it is. I don't do it deliberately loudly nor do I try to suppress it which makes it feel like my nose is going to explode.

And I do do it in meetings. Sneezing is normal, I think it's normal for it it to be noticeable and weird when people try to hide it.

But it’s not normal to do it ridiculously loudly. It’s unnecessary, annoying and selfish. And you absolutely can control it if you try so why make everyone else listen to it?

Because it's normal for me. If I'm suppressing it then it isn't normal, it's artificially changing what my body normally does. Which is weird to me that anyone would do for no good reason. Sneezing is loud, why pretend it isn't?

Would you fart loudly in a business meeting? Or burp? So don’t sneeze or hiccup. It’s rude.

No, because burping and farting usually come with a smell I'd be embarrassed to draw attention to. Sneezing and hicupping not so much.

I wouldn't find anyone rude doing any of those things. I would worry they were embarrassed about burping or farting so I'd feel bad for them but I wouldn't be annoyed. Sneezing or hicupping wouldn't really register with me at all.

Well now you know that everyone else thinks your performance sneezing is the same as if you’d farted.

Well that's silly of them. I'll carry on sneezing normally, ta!

I must admit that I do enjoy a big loud sneeze! However, I realise it's not really socially acceptable so keep the volume and force down in public.
I actually find those muffled stifled sneezes the most annoying. Usually 5 or 6 in a row. Just let the damn sneeze our FGS 😂
OP - with regard to your DW. I'd say she's UR to not talk to you if you sneeze. A bit dramatic in my opinion.

Apparently you can reduce the volume of your sneeze (from https://www.artofmanliness.com/skills/how-to/how-to-sneeze-quietly/)

When you feel the need to sneeze, you get a reflex to take a big breath and then to hold it right before you release the big “AH-CHOOOO!” And according to Dr. Harvey, the longer you hold your breath before a sneeze, the louder and more dramatic your sneeze will be.
One technique to dampen the Dad Sneeze is to resist this reflex and just keep breathing normally when you feel the urge arise.
I picked up this tip from TSL member Rene Gyldenlund who picked it up in medical school. He theorizes that when you continue to breathe normally when you feel the urge to sneeze, it shuts off the irritant receptors and curbs the sneeze reflex. It may also be that in not taking a big breath and then holding it in, you have less air in your lungs to expel.
I’ve put this hack to use, and it does work. Sometimes it completely eliminates the need to sneeze, but usually, it just diminishes the loudness of the sneeze.

Clearly not everyone, judging by the voting on this thread! The majority vote is in the OP’s favour.

Do you do loud sneezes at work too? Thought not.

YABU

My DH's sneezes are violent, loud and often scare me in their ferociousness.

However if he says I'm going to sneeze it at least prepares me for the loud noise and I'm less shocked.

That's daft. My boss used to have the most gigantic sneezes and we worked in a tiny space where everything reverberated. I just learned to drop everything and shove my fingers in my ears when I heard him draw breath. Why can't your wife do the same? She's being totally unreasonable.

Just don't make noise. It's literally always men who do these performative sneezes. Sneeze into your arm. Don't open your mouth. Stifle it. Yes you're being annoying and loud.

I find loud, explosive, performance sneezing completely repugnant. It’s only men that do it, ime.

My husband used to do it when we first met. I trained him out of it. I honestly would not have married him otherwise.

I'm a woman who sneezes explosively at times. Dunno as I'd call it a performance.

Assuming you are trying to muffle the sneeze and have tried to muffle it and you are definitely not performance sneezing (and you must have explained this when talking about it) then I would do exactly what she does back to her when she sneezes.

I have found this technique works with small annoying issues.

OP clearly hasn’t realized or thought about it but he’s definitely using his vocal cords and yelling when he sneezes. It’s usually a learned behaviour from the father; there’s articles about the phenomenon.

The only sounds from a sneeze should be the gasp as you take air in and then the “chuh!” when you expel it. If any noise is coming from the throat it is deliberate and controllable; sneezing comes from the nose and mouth.