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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he went too far? *CW*

237 replies

Chatbags · 29/07/2023 11:20

Name changed for this.

My husband and I are in the midst of somewhat stressful changes at the minute and things are not exactly wonderful, relationship wise. He is not one to discuss feelings but I know he blames me for some of it as I instigated a move that he's not happy about. So while we don't argue or shout or anything like that, I feel he's holding considerable resentment towards me. Work is also not going well for him at the minute. I can give more context but it will be long, and for now I would just like to see what people think of what happened last week. Apologies if TMI.

He had been away for a number of weeks with work. We hadn't seen each other and the night he came back he wanted sex. I told him I could help him out in "other ways", but I wasn't having sex as our water had been switched off for two days and I hadn't been able to have a shower so obviously felt a bit yuck. The maintenance guys were working on it and it was due to be back on in the morning so he would only have to wait until the next day but before I got into the bed I explicitly said I wasn't having sex and told him not to push it.

He pushed it. After a couple of minutes he pulled down my trousers, and I again said I wasn't having sex and he said something like "just the trousers" or he just wanted to get closer, or something like that. He was naked, I still had underwear on. Then he was on top of me and really quickly he pulled my underwear to the side and I said "no" but it was too late.

I didn't stop him though. I went along with it. I'd had a couple of glasses of wine and he probably assumed I would be up for it, as usually in those circumstances I would be, but as I said the lack of water meant I really wasn't. It was over pretty quickly and afterwards I went and slept in my DDs room. This was last week and things are "normal" between us but I still feel strange about it and think he crossed a line. AIBU?

OP posts:
VeridicalVagabond · 29/07/2023 11:22

So just to be clear, what he did is rape. He raped you.

That would be the end of the marriage for me, I couldn't come back from that level of disrespect.

FionnulaTheCooler · 29/07/2023 11:24

You made it clear you didn't consent. You said no and he did it anyway. Your husband is a rapist and that would be the end of the relationship for me.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2023 11:24

Your husband raped you and you need to leave him, immediately.

ChesterAndRaoul · 29/07/2023 11:24

You said no, you think he crossed a line, he crossed a line.

One that I'm not really sure how you come back from.

Changingplace · 29/07/2023 11:26

I’m so sorry this has happened to you, this is rape, you did not consent to have sex, your husband is a rapist.

TeaKitten · 29/07/2023 11:27

He raped you OP. You explained no, you said no, he did it anyway. YANBU, you need to be very clear with yourself that this was a clear case of rape. Really sorry OP

Miscellaneousme · 29/07/2023 11:28

You clearly said no, what he did was rape.

Anyone you can speak to in real life? Or can you call Rape Crisis?

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 29/07/2023 11:29

I echo everyone else, he raped you

Please make moves to leave him

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 29/07/2023 11:32

Yes he went too far. Marital rape is a pretty big line to cross, and I don't think I could get past it. I had a very similar experience with a previous partner, and every time he wanted to have sex after that I just let him so I wouldn't have to go through it again. 4 months later I left him. Only you can decide if this is your breaking point, but I would bet that this is not the first time he has done something you were not comfortable with, and if you let this go, it won't be the last time either.

Ducksinthebath · 29/07/2023 11:32

As difficult as it will be, you must leave this despicable rapist. I would be very surprised if this is the last time it happens.

jeaux90 · 29/07/2023 11:32

He's a disgrace and an abuser.

Serenity45 · 29/07/2023 11:33

I'm so sorry you went through this OP. He has crossed the line here and I agree with PPs. He raped you. Your husband is a rapist. You'll need some time to process this and the conflicting/complex feelings that will result.

If you don't feel able to report him to the police at least think about speaking to Rape Crisis if you're in England or Wales.

You're not in the wrong or to blame in this scenario, though your instinct is likely to try to minimise what happened. Sending you strength OP your post is upsetting to read.

LadyPenelope68 · 29/07/2023 11:35

You said no, he carried on, it’s rape. Doesn’t matter if he’s your husband or whether the situation in the past meant you consented, this time you didn’t - it’s rape. Contact the Police and get him out of your house.

rockingbird · 29/07/2023 11:43

No doubt you've been left thinking this isn't Ok, and it is NOT! You said no numerous times and he just pushed it to get what he wanted. I speak from experience having had this happen to me on far too many occasions by my own stbxh you need to have that conversation - no doubt he's acting all normal, nothing happened as far as his concerned. You however are here asking for others advice - I did the same. Be interesting to see if he thinks he's done anything wrong, we (me and the dc) eventually left.

DisquietintheRanks · 29/07/2023 11:45

He raped you. I'm so sorry.

Please don't make excuses for him, you couldn't have been more clear.

GabriellaMontez · 29/07/2023 11:48

Any resentment is irrelevant. Maybe he doesn't like the change. Maybe it was a mistake. Doesn't matter. He doesn't get to punish you.

You know why you're still thinking about it.

That was a very clear 'no'.

Does he have form for doing something similar?

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 29/07/2023 11:48

My exh raped me 2 weeks pp. I took off my rings and made plans to leave. Took 20 months but I left.

DancingDaisyLdy · 29/07/2023 11:55

This is rape OP, you said no but he still penetrated you. I’m so sorry but I would be making him leave.

rainbowstardrops · 29/07/2023 11:57

As others have said, you told him no. You made it clear you didn't want to have penetrative sex but he did it anyway. Has he done this before?
I would never be able to trust him again.

Original poster
Chatbags · 29/07/2023 12:05

Thank you for your replies. Even though reading them feels like a stomach churning slap in the face, I suspected this was the response my post would get... deep down I feel it was an act of dominance as he is angry with me at the minute and work is also not going his way and he is a man who likes to be in control. I think my "rejection" that night on top of everything else was too much and he wasn't having it.

Even though he is acting normal he knew I was off with him the next day, but as I went along with it and didn't attempt to physically stop him he probably doesn't believe it is that bad. I don't know...things are such a mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chatbags · 29/07/2023 12:08

To those who asked, no he hasn't done this before. He has been a bit pushy on occasion (hence why I explicitly said not to push it) but not like this. This was different.

OP posts:
Mayhem3 · 29/07/2023 12:17

How many times did you have to say it before he got the message?
He still didn’t listen.

If the only way to stop him entering you is to physically try and push him off you then you know it’s rape.

You knew that he wasn’t listening to you so you’d either have to physically try and push him off you or just lie there and take it - these should never be the only options.

I don’t think this is something you can get over (I definitely couldn’t) and tbh he sounds like a dick anyway regardless of this and so I would be done with the relationship and tell him exactly why.

Adarajames · 29/07/2023 12:29

Oh op, I’m so sorry this has happened to you, and I’m sure all these responses must be hard to take, I am glad you realise what he did was utterly utterly wrong. Please speak to rape crisis so you can get some support, and if at all possible, report him to the police. He shouldn’t get away with raping you, and deserves to be punished. Tell your friends / family too so you can get some personal support.

Hibiscrubbed · 29/07/2023 12:37

He
raped
you.

Whether you stopped it or not, whether you fought him or not, whether you said anything or not, is totally irrelevant.

You’d said no and he did it anyway.

He committed a heinous crime. Being married, being away is irrelevant, there is no mitigation here.

I am so very sorry.

LadyPenelope68 · 29/07/2023 12:45

I feel it was an act of dominance as he is angry with me at the minute and work is also not going his way and he is a man who likes to be in control. I think my "rejection" that night on top of everything else was too much and he wasn't having it

your description here absolutely sums up that it was rape, an act of dominance and control. Please don’t make excuses for him, it was rape, there is no justice for it and you must take steps to protect yourself. He’s now done it once, it won’t be the last time. Contact the Police and report this. Show them your last post, it sums it up totally.

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