To think he went too far? *CW*

[Chatbags]

Name changed for this.

My husband and I are in the midst of somewhat stressful changes at the minute and things are not exactly wonderful, relationship wise. He is not one to discuss feelings but I know he blames me for some of it as I instigated a move that he's not happy about. So while we don't argue or shout or anything like that, I feel he's holding considerable resentment towards me. Work is also not going well for him at the minute. I can give more context but it will be long, and for now I would just like to see what people think of what happened last week. Apologies if TMI.

He had been away for a number of weeks with work. We hadn't seen each other and the night he came back he wanted sex. I told him I could help him out in "other ways", but I wasn't having sex as our water had been switched off for two days and I hadn't been able to have a shower so obviously felt a bit yuck. The maintenance guys were working on it and it was due to be back on in the morning so he would only have to wait until the next day but before I got into the bed I explicitly said I wasn't having sex and told him not to push it.

He pushed it. After a couple of minutes he pulled down my trousers, and I again said I wasn't having sex and he said something like "just the trousers" or he just wanted to get closer, or something like that. He was naked, I still had underwear on. Then he was on top of me and really quickly he pulled my underwear to the side and I said "no" but it was too late.

I didn't stop him though. I went along with it. I'd had a couple of glasses of wine and he probably assumed I would be up for it, as usually in those circumstances I would be, but as I said the lack of water meant I really wasn't. It was over pretty quickly and afterwards I went and slept in my DDs room. This was last week and things are "normal" between us but I still feel strange about it and think he crossed a line. AIBU?

I’m actually really shocked and affected by the OP’s opening post as well and I’m not sure why.

Just a weird reaction. Like it could happen to any of us. OP sounds so… normal and the marriage sounds normal etc.

I agree that professional help is needed here. Good luck, OP.

@Chatbags I am so sorry to read what’s happened to you. I wouldn’t be able to get past this and it would absolutely mean the end of the marriage for me. Personally I wouldn’t make a police complaint as it’ll go nowhere but could cause other problems. But I would be looking to access support services and/or health services for two reasons, one to help get over it and two so that someone “official” has a contemporaneous record of it happening just in case you ever need to rely on that.

I hope you can decide on next steps and find all the support you need. X

@Chatbags I think you've been so brave already in posting and sharing what happened to you. I have two things to add that might not be helpful but I hope they are:

Firstly please don't assume your DD's aren't at any risk, I'm not saying that they definitely are but my own father showed signs of things like this towards my Dm, although things never went as far as rape. She never thought of leaving him as she was so much under his control. When me and my DSis finally went to the police as adults about the sexual abuse we endured from him as children my DM was distraught as she never assumed he would have hurt us. Obviously it wasn't her fault at all but I'm just saying be aware that these things can happen.

Also I know you don't want to go to the police because you may not get a conviction (it's very very hard to get one) but sometimes it's a way to get back your control. I finally went to the police as an adult and although the CPS said there wasn't enough evidence to go to court I felt so much better knowing that I had taken control of the situation and he could no longer hold anything over me.

You don’t have to have physically attempted to stop him for it to have been rape. You made it crystal clear you did not consent and he went ahead anyway. That’s rape. I understand not wanting to report him - the conviction rate for rape is low and for martial rape next to non-existent. But you can leave and get yourself to a safe place where you don’t need to worry about anyone doing anything without your consent ever again.

Thanks for your post @holymolysinuses and I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. I'm glad you were able to regain a sense of control, I definitely see your point about that. I think I need more time before I make any such move but I will be revisiting this thread over the coming days/weeks and hopefully when I do re-read it I will have a clearer head and will be in a better position to take in all the advice. Feeling a bit overwhelmed right now and the instinct is to push every thing out of mind. I know ultimately I won't be able to though.

So sorry OP.

Just to echo a previous poster - the fact that he likes to be in control is a massive red flag. This too happened to my friend, her controlling ex abused her sexually and then became very possessive of his daughters, ended up grooming and abusing them as well.

Take care.

What changes did you instigate?

It's up to you what action you take, if any, and when if you do take action. But you do need to be absolutely clear in your own mind and with him that he raped you.

If you decide to leave and feel that you will be in danger pleased speak to Women's Aid to makea safe plan.

@jgjgjgjgjg But you do need to be absolutely clear in your own mind and with him that he raped you.

No, no woman needs to tell their rapist that he raped them. Absolutely not while she's still living with him! There is no good outcome for her doing that. He will deny it, and/or he will react badly. He will not realise the error of his ways, or realise that she's onto him, or think that she's right.

She didn't relent ffs. What is wrong with you? You don't force yourself on someone then wait to see if they stop you.

'Relenting' (for clarity you mean not fighting a man off who has been told no) is not consent. You're a rape apologist and you need to stop spreading your repulsive nonsense here and in real life if you're telling other women this.

For anyone reading this, FULL ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT is required for sex. This can take many forms but it never takes the form of a women saying no and a man taking her clothes off anyway and raping her.

Of course I’m not a rape apologist! I just don’t think it’s helpful to tell a woman online her husband raped her when it’s nuanced

From the OP:

He had been away for a number of weeks with work. We hadn't seen each other and the night he came back he wanted sex. I told him I could help him out in "other ways", but I wasn't having sex as our water had been switched off for two days and I hadn't been able to have a shower so obviously felt a bit yuck. The maintenance guys were working on it and it was due to be back on in the morning so he would only have to wait until the next day but before I got into the bed I explicitly said I wasn't having sex and told him not to push it.

He pushed it. After a couple of minutes he pulled down my trousers, and I again said I wasn't having sex and he said something like "just the trousers" or he just wanted to get closer, or something like that. He was naked, I still had underwear on. Then he was on top of me and really quickly he pulled my underwear to the side and I said "no" but it was too late.

Exactly how many times does she need to withhold consent before she's not 'relenting'? Because 5 times isn't enough according to you. Unless she actively fights her husband off, she's consented? What a sick, terrible world you live in.

It's not nuanced and you are a rape apologist. I hope they ban you. I'm reporting.

I didn’t read the first part

The first part of what?

The background where she kept telling him she didn’t want to

If it's a thread about the best sandals or washing being left out, feel free not to read the actual post.

But on a thread about rape, RTFT.

@Annaishere how dare you spout all this shit when you haven’t even bothered to read all that the OP has said!! Why bother commenting at all?! At least do it on a thread where it’s inconsequential what you say. Seriously. SMH.

Nope. Not even your husband is allowed to force himself on you.

Idk mumsnet can you delete my comments

It’s not clear cut. You said no but then relented. He could have thought you changed your mind, or that you didn’t mean it that strongly.

But I said it in advance. Explicitly said I didn't want to have sex. That's not something I usually say/do so clearly, so it would have been obvious when I said it that I meant it. My "relenting" was when it had already happened. I said the word "no" as it was happening. I'm really not sure how it could have been construed as me changing my mind.

There have been times in my marriage when I haven't exactly been in the mood to begin with, then "relented", but it was obvious I changed my mind by how I responded. This was different, completely different, which is why I'm upset about it and why I decided to post.

Just seen your subsequent posts that you didn't read the OP. I don't know what part you were responding to then, but that's fair enough.