To think he went too far? *CW*

[Chatbags]

Name changed for this.

My husband and I are in the midst of somewhat stressful changes at the minute and things are not exactly wonderful, relationship wise. He is not one to discuss feelings but I know he blames me for some of it as I instigated a move that he's not happy about. So while we don't argue or shout or anything like that, I feel he's holding considerable resentment towards me. Work is also not going well for him at the minute. I can give more context but it will be long, and for now I would just like to see what people think of what happened last week. Apologies if TMI.

He had been away for a number of weeks with work. We hadn't seen each other and the night he came back he wanted sex. I told him I could help him out in "other ways", but I wasn't having sex as our water had been switched off for two days and I hadn't been able to have a shower so obviously felt a bit yuck. The maintenance guys were working on it and it was due to be back on in the morning so he would only have to wait until the next day but before I got into the bed I explicitly said I wasn't having sex and told him not to push it.

He pushed it. After a couple of minutes he pulled down my trousers, and I again said I wasn't having sex and he said something like "just the trousers" or he just wanted to get closer, or something like that. He was naked, I still had underwear on. Then he was on top of me and really quickly he pulled my underwear to the side and I said "no" but it was too late.

I didn't stop him though. I went along with it. I'd had a couple of glasses of wine and he probably assumed I would be up for it, as usually in those circumstances I would be, but as I said the lack of water meant I really wasn't. It was over pretty quickly and afterwards I went and slept in my DDs room. This was last week and things are "normal" between us but I still feel strange about it and think he crossed a line. AIBU?

Rape is about power and dominance, not sex. Your later post about him liking to be in control says it all. Will you ever feel you can say no ever again? Or are you going to always feel you are giving in?

I am an infrequent poster, and usually try to see a positive way through for people to salvage their relationships. I can't see it here.

You need to end this marriage, for your own mental and physical safety.

if at all possible, report him to the police

I don't know how I could do this? There is absolutely no proof and no way of proving anything. It would never get to court and I suspect, make everything worse. We have young DDs, if I reported their father for rape and it went nowhere and they found out when they're older (small town police station so quite likely word would get out) wouldn't that make everything worse? It took me more than a week to even write this post and just typing all this out anonymously has me feeling shaky and sick, I can't bear the idea of talking about it IRL.

I think in your shoes I'd be very reluctant to try to have him convicted purely from what I hear of it being such a poor conviction rate and he sounds like the kind of guy that would go on the offence as a defence.
But I absolutely would name it, be looking at ending the marriage and cite it in the divorce.
I don't have any better advice as not got experience needed for that, but that's just awful and I'm really sorry to hear it happened.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Despite everyone so far telling you it’s rape, you are kind of making excuses for him here in your response.
I haven’t got experience personally but a good friend of mine suffered marital rape for years. She lay there and took it out of fear for what he would do if he didn’t get his way. Obviously I didn’t know at the time, she only confided in me once she’d escaped. It was horrifying. Her twat of a husband also had problems at work and other shit in his life, it gradually got worse, not just rape but physical abuse too. NO EXCUSE. She was broken and probably will never recover - anxiety & panic attacks plus I’m sure much more I’m not aware of.

Please make your exit plans OP, it’s disgusting behaviour 💐💐💐xxx

He knew you didn't want sex, you were really clear about it.. He was having sex knowing you didn't want that, he climaxed knowing this was against your wishes.
He might have had some emotions driving his motive for crossing that line, but the point is he crossed it.

Just saw your new comment above. I’m not sure going down the police route is that straightforward really, others may have experience to share perhaps. So much harder to prove.
I wanted to add that many women that are raped by strangers also lie quiet and let it happen - this is still not consent, it’s fear of the worst and needed it to be over with. Having a couple of glasses of wine is irrelevant.

xxx

You need to be the example for your daughters. What would you say to them if when they are older they came to you and told you their partner had done this to them? Would you really want them to put up and shut up?
if you really cannot bring yourself to report him st least either show him this post and the responses or tell him very clearly that he raped you . 100% raped you when tou explicitly said no to him and that if it ever happens again you WILL REPORT HIM TO THE POLICE AND ALL HIS FAMILY, friends and relatives will know he is a rapist. It is 2023 and attitudes have changed. Women are not expected to put up with marital rape. Be strong for your daughters. Otherwise you have basically given your husband to rape you whenever he wants. In his eyes you have put up with it and are weak and he is dominant and can do what he wants to you when he wants. I would bot want my you g daughters raised by a rapist and would ask him to leave asap. You can have the upper hand in all this.

Fuck me, really? Have you misread the post?
What a helpful comment🤔

STFU. Reported.

@2bazookas this is a disgusting post. The op has has asked for advice regarding her non consensual sex and you reply with this?!?

I have never reported anything but well done you've got my first report.

Op please ignore this.

That's right, if only op had removed the reason for her objections she could have consented and avoided rape that way. Glad that's been reported. You're either goading or twisted. One or the other.

Your post implies OP has a responsibility here for how she responds. No she doesn't. She is possibly in shock and doesn't owe it to anyone to do or say anything she doesn't want to or feel ready for.

The only person who is responsible for the rape is him. The only person OP has a responsibility to in terms of how she reacts is herself.

Don't try to guilt OP into doing something she doesn't feel that she can.

OP, take your time. Talk here or a specialist support line. Or a friend.

No one can deny this was rape. How you respond medium to long term is your choice. There are plenty of people who will listen, advise, hug and support you in whatever way you decide you want.

He is a rapist. No other explanation

what an animal

people may lash out at this but here it goes any way..

We all know what this really means and what happened.. I.e. rape by definition.

You are the only one that knows your husband and your marriage.
You did say it was out of character and the situation all round wasn’t great meaning there could be some extenuating circumstances for you to consider. (Just to be clear this doesn’t diminish his actions and doesn’t make them right).

My advice would be to figure out your feelings about it and talk with him. Tell him how it made you feel. He might be feeling guilty about it and doesn’t know how to approach it?

If this was my husband I’d be pretty pissed and disgusted and he would know not to do it again but it wouldn’t be relationship ending.

Like I said, only you know your relationship.

The only advice I could give is whatever you think is the next step.. don’t rush into it. When things on life are tumultuous we don’t make the best decisions.

When things on life are tumultuous we don’t make the best decisions

You mean like when her husband decided to rape her? No one should be encouraged to stay with a rapist.

How you handle this is up to you but I just wanted to say I’m really sorry this happened to you 💐💐💐

I would be worried that, if husband gets away with this now, he’ll think it’s ok and will do it again.

I would tell the police so they have a record but with the full expectation that it doesn’t go anywhere now, but may be relied on in future if it did happen again (hopefully it won’t).

I’m sorry this happened to you OP. You don’t deserve to be punished for your husbands problems.

In your position I felt the same and stayed with my ex H as I felt at the time that it was wrong to split the family up, it would never happen again, we could get over this, it would be too much hassle, our lovely home would have to be sold and so on and so forth.
Unfortunately once a serious boundary like this has been crossed then he knows where you stand and it will just be the beginning.
We went five years before the incident in my marriage, when we got to 8 years I decided to leave after he put me in hospital after a beating when I refused sex.
The first time they cross a boundary like this is never the last time.

I have been on jury service for this exact crime. Except it was anal rape, she didn't report vaginal rape which was committed hundreds of times. . It does get to court, we had no evidence except the victims word and description of events. We convicted.

Report hum and spare yourself years of abuse. This man went on to abuse his daughter when mum refused too.

Hello.. Please be kind to yourself. I would try and talk to a professional so you can get your thoughts and feelings out so you can organise your next decisions. This has happened once, what is stopping him doing it again? Be safe.

That is really awful to read. So sorry you went through this and have to deal with the feelings that follow.

Someone who really loves and respects you does not do something like that.

So very sad for you x

Look at this from another perspective. He wanted one thing, you didn't. He got that thing anyway - by asserting physical dominance. He took your trust in him, and smashed it to pieces because his needs were more important than yours.

Once certain lines get crossed in a marriage, there's no way back. And that's totally on him, not you I hope you can find RL support for this, you must feel absolutely devastated.

This.

OP, I can understand your hesitation and you owe it to yourself to do what is best for you, no one else at this time.

He undoubtedly raped you IMO.

I agree with going to a solicitor and getting legal advice and telling the solicitor so it is clearly noted, BEFORE you say anything to him.

Move out of the bedroom asap.

Reach out to family and friends for support, telling them whatever you feel comfortable with.

I appreciate this is very painful on many many levels, but I cannot see how this isn't marriage ending.

When it comes to telling him it is over, I would tell him that it is because he raped you.

Of course he will deny it etc., probably cry and rage and threaten self harm, in an effort to bully you to protect himself.

He knew what he was doing was wrong, make no mistake about that.

I am so sorry.