To think he went too far? *CW*

[Chatbags]

Name changed for this.

My husband and I are in the midst of somewhat stressful changes at the minute and things are not exactly wonderful, relationship wise. He is not one to discuss feelings but I know he blames me for some of it as I instigated a move that he's not happy about. So while we don't argue or shout or anything like that, I feel he's holding considerable resentment towards me. Work is also not going well for him at the minute. I can give more context but it will be long, and for now I would just like to see what people think of what happened last week. Apologies if TMI.

He had been away for a number of weeks with work. We hadn't seen each other and the night he came back he wanted sex. I told him I could help him out in "other ways", but I wasn't having sex as our water had been switched off for two days and I hadn't been able to have a shower so obviously felt a bit yuck. The maintenance guys were working on it and it was due to be back on in the morning so he would only have to wait until the next day but before I got into the bed I explicitly said I wasn't having sex and told him not to push it.

He pushed it. After a couple of minutes he pulled down my trousers, and I again said I wasn't having sex and he said something like "just the trousers" or he just wanted to get closer, or something like that. He was naked, I still had underwear on. Then he was on top of me and really quickly he pulled my underwear to the side and I said "no" but it was too late.

I didn't stop him though. I went along with it. I'd had a couple of glasses of wine and he probably assumed I would be up for it, as usually in those circumstances I would be, but as I said the lack of water meant I really wasn't. It was over pretty quickly and afterwards I went and slept in my DDs room. This was last week and things are "normal" between us but I still feel strange about it and think he crossed a line. AIBU?

It's very sad if there is any fallout on the family if you do decide to report it, but this is all on him, not you. He decided to rape you.
He clearly wants you to ignore/forget about it now but why should he get to decide that too? He's probably shitting bricks.
Even if you don't report don't let him get away with his subsequent behaviour and attitude, it's repugnant and gaslighting at the very least.
Please tell him in no uncertain terms how his behaviour made you feel , the impact it has had on you, and how you feel about him now. I would use the terms rape and rapist.
And how on earth are you going to be able to bring yourself to have sex with him again?

@321user123 God what a low bar you have.

He's a vile human being. Fuck these contemptuous, rapey men.

Black and white, he raped you.

The grey area is you both thinking that because you then "allowed" him to finish or because you're his wife, it may not be right to consider it rape. But when it comes to sex, there is no real grey area! You did not consent BEFORE he entered you and that is rape. No matter who he is to you. No matter how angry he was (actually makes it worse, imo)

So... you report him (no evidence needed), he is arrested, questioned then...

Either

he admits it, is charged, sentenced and given probation etc.

Or

he denies it, is released without further action but has it on record in case of any future reports made about him.

Either way you will have likely have to separate and your family and friends will have their opinions.

None of this is to persuade you one way or the other, there is no wrong answer because this is YOUR decision. Not one person has the right to tell you what to do.

There is only one other fact you should know and that is that it is never to late to report it. Even if it's 30 years from now and you are remarried etc etc.

I'm so sorry you are going through this and feel free to PM me if you want honest, experienced but caring advice and support.

@Chatbags deep down I feel it was an act of dominance as he is angry with me at the minute and work is also not going his way and he is a man who likes to be in control

You nailed it there.

Rape is not a crime of sex it's a crime of violence to subdue and dominate the victim.

Please contact Rape Crisis and do it now https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/

He raped you.
Prosecute him.

deep down I feel it was an act of dominance as he is angry with me at the minute and work is also not going his way and he is a man who likes to be in control

You're right, OP, and I'm so sorry.

No means no , simple .

The line has been more than crossed that was rape , no other word for it

OP I'm so sorry you are going through this. There are risks to reporting him, namely your mental health. Although he may deserve being reported and getting a criminal conviction and imprisonment, you do need to consider whether you can manage the long drawn out process. At the moment because of the pandemic backlog, many rape trials are taking 2 years to even get to court. And statistically the conviction rate is low, even for very violent attacks. Consider if you want this hanging over you . I'm not saying let it go, it's your decision, but balance the outcome against the length of the legal process.

I agree with everyone who says your marriage is over, or should be, but how you end it is your call.

He raped you. And I'm so sorry

I would find out where your nearest SARC centre is. Give them a call

They can take statement if/when you decide to take it to the police but also crucially they can provide you with all of the support you might need and put you in touch with specialist counsellors

They can also give you advice on taking it to the police. I'll be honest the chances of the CPS taking this to prosecution are slim BUT if you report it will be on his file. And maybe that will be enough for you. The knowledge that he will forever have this marked against him and if he tried it again the police would consider it more seriously.

But please talk to someone. Does anyone in real life know?

I got divorced because I was married to a man who didn't seek consent for anything. He thought that because we were married he could do as he pleased and that his needs had to be met no matter what. He did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. By the end I hated him and now I'm super sensitive to men who think being in a relationship means they never have to ask for consent again. Trouble is so many men think this way. I'm really sorry you have a man like this. Hope you can get free of him x

How depressing it is that women are advising against reporting a clear case of rape because the likelihood of a conviction is so low. Depressing because that view is completely understandable. I did not report my rapes for the same reason. They happened in the 1990s. It's absolutely devastating that women are still so fearful of reporting rape, and that so many rapists live with no consequences whatsoever (and likely rape again) while the victims have a life sentence.

OP I am so very, very sorry this happened to you. Please leave him. And look into counselling, if you need it. I sense that the enormity of this is taking its time to hit you (you say it's taken you a while to be able to post about it). If you need support speak to Rape Crisis or your GP. I would also contact Refuge or Women's Aid. I would be looking to find a refuge place for you and your DDs if I were in your shoes. Even if you don't think this is appropriate (and it absolutely is), these organisations will help you with your next steps.

Good luck OP.

He raped you.

I'd tell him you want him to leave. There's no coming back from that.

As for the police, maybe use it as a suggestion to get him to go?

Call Women's Aid for advice.

Thanks again to all for taking the time to post, also thank you for reporting the poster above, as fortunately it was deleted before I had a chance to read whatever it said.

I wrote about the fact he is angry with me and about his work etc. not to make excuses or to mitigate what happened but actually to show that this is why I think there was possibly intent on his part and this wasn't a case of crossed wires/mixed signals. If this had happened say last year when everything was well in the relationship, then things would be different but since nothing like this has happened before and it's happening at a time when he's feeling a real loss of control for the first time in our marriage and his ego is bruised, I believe it was a deliberate act to show who's "really" in charge.

To the poster above who said he will see me as weak and I need to report to set an example for my DDs, I appreciate that you are trying to encourage me to take action and it's frustrating to think he'd "get away with it" and of course I would hate for my DDs to be in this situation, but I don't care how he perceives me. All I care about is protecting my DDs and I'm reluctant to rush into anything that could make things worse for them. I can't see any scenario where hearing your father was reported for raping your mother could be in your best interests? How could that not permanently mess a young girl up?

You've been incredibly brave sharing this on here OP. Is there any way you can talk this through with a therapist perhaps? What he did was rape, and you deserve so much better. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

My kids know this because they asked me. It's not had a negative effect particularly. They had already taken steps to remove their father from their lives from the age of 8&9 though.

I think knowing you didn't take action because of them is a hard lot of guilt though. My kids didn't tell me everything about their dad because they didn't want to worry me. That knowledge eats you up.

There are probably no perfect solutions.

I don't think I would report him to the police but I would be having a very full and frank conversation about it not being acceptable and you will not put up with it. Were you afraid of him getting angry if you just walked away from him or was he holding you so forcefully you could not get away? Men trying to assert dominance is definitely not ok. He needs to know that so have you talked to him since? I can understand you not wanting to hurt your DDs but if this behaviour continues or god forbid gets worse you will hurt them more. Kids pick up on their parents behaviour so if he tries to dominate you in the bedroom the chances are he is doing it most or all of the time elsewhere. Do you feel he respects you and your opinions?

There is no getting away from the fact that he raped you though.

Unfortunately, it's probably true that the police won't do much about this and CPS wouldn't consider the evidence strong enough for a rape charge (though it's definitely rape). It's up to you if you wish to report all the same but you know what that will lead to. So, do you want to stay with him? Do you love him? At the least you two must discuss what happened but better still get couples therapy. He will likely minimise or reframe the whole event so write it down, be clear, stand by your version.

I think if he faces what he's done and recognises he wouldn't want anyone to do that to his daughters and apologises to you that could be worthwhile for your DD's. They don't have to know that happened, but they should experience the benefit to an attitude change in their father.
That's the optimistic goal. But sadly suspect it might be unlikely.

How hard would your daughters find it to know their father raped their mother and she just accepted it.

I think it's a strong message to send to your children they shouldn't tolerate this abuse. Ever. By anyone.

I know you're talking about him being under pressure and being stressed. The fact is everyone will be pressured and stressed at some point in their lives. Only rapists use sexual abuse and rape.

I understand sadly why you are trying to find an excuse. I think that's normal. The fact this person who you've know and trusted is capable of this. It's hard and your brain is logically trying to understand it.

However he has form for this. As you told him not to push it. Because that's what he does. So please don't believe this has completely out of the blue. He can't have been 'stressed' every time.

Again I strongly advise speaking to specially trained counsellors. If you let me know a vague location I can find the nearest sarc.

I think you might be on the wrong thread @INeedAnotherName

All I care about is protecting my DDs and I'm reluctant to rush into anything that could make things worse for them. I can't see any scenario where hearing your father was reported for raping your mother could be in your best interests? How could that not permanently mess a young girl up?

But what would you advise your own daughters to do if a man did the same to them? A partner? Even if they had children?

I understand why you don't want to report. You can still contact Rape Crisis and Women's Aid for support, they will ask about reporting but don't (or shouldn't) push that with you.
Do you need STD tests/pregnancy test (sorry to ask) if you're at all unsure of his fidelity.
It does sound like him trying to show you who's boss in a world where he's not in control of very much, but that's no excuse for what he did.
If you are thinking of leaving him, I'd make plans to do so sooner rather than later.

But what would you advise your own daughters to do if a man did the same to them? A partner? Even if they had children?

I know. I would advise them to leave/report it.

Were you afraid of him getting angry if you just walked away from him or was he holding you so forcefully you could not get away?

Neither of those things really. I think I was just so shocked I froze. In my head I knew it wasn't right but I didn't do anything, I just wanted it over with and I got up straight away afterwards and went to the bathroom, then into my DDs room. But if I said it to him now outright I would be nervous of his reaction. He's never been violent or threatened me or anything like that but if I used the term "rape" or "rapist" he would, I imagine, have a visceral reaction. He's a strong man and he alludes to a temper that though I've never witnessed it, I can imagine it exists. I think I'd need to put a plan into place to leave before I said anything about it/confronted him.