To think he went too far? *CW*

[Chatbags]

Name changed for this.

My husband and I are in the midst of somewhat stressful changes at the minute and things are not exactly wonderful, relationship wise. He is not one to discuss feelings but I know he blames me for some of it as I instigated a move that he's not happy about. So while we don't argue or shout or anything like that, I feel he's holding considerable resentment towards me. Work is also not going well for him at the minute. I can give more context but it will be long, and for now I would just like to see what people think of what happened last week. Apologies if TMI.

He had been away for a number of weeks with work. We hadn't seen each other and the night he came back he wanted sex. I told him I could help him out in "other ways", but I wasn't having sex as our water had been switched off for two days and I hadn't been able to have a shower so obviously felt a bit yuck. The maintenance guys were working on it and it was due to be back on in the morning so he would only have to wait until the next day but before I got into the bed I explicitly said I wasn't having sex and told him not to push it.

He pushed it. After a couple of minutes he pulled down my trousers, and I again said I wasn't having sex and he said something like "just the trousers" or he just wanted to get closer, or something like that. He was naked, I still had underwear on. Then he was on top of me and really quickly he pulled my underwear to the side and I said "no" but it was too late.

I didn't stop him though. I went along with it. I'd had a couple of glasses of wine and he probably assumed I would be up for it, as usually in those circumstances I would be, but as I said the lack of water meant I really wasn't. It was over pretty quickly and afterwards I went and slept in my DDs room. This was last week and things are "normal" between us but I still feel strange about it and think he crossed a line. AIBU?

All that turns sex into rape is if one person doesn’t want to do it. Therefore he raped you. Not only that, it wasn’t accidental. He knew you’d said no. I wouldn’t get past this.

You are married to a rapist and trying to erase that knowledge can only result in a disconnect from reality.
Being around a rapist while being disconnected with reality is dangerous, not just for you but also for the potential victims you may disarm because you are so disconnected from reality.
You cannot live like that and remain sane.

He's a rapist and it's not your fault.

I'm not sure you need another post to confirm that it was rape, but I did want to add: you may want to consider calling Rape Crisis (they have an online chat function too that might be more managable if you have any kids around due to school holidays).

You can talk without being pressured to take any particular course of action.

It sounds like you may be in shock and it's OK if you need some time to get your head around things. You deserve some meaningful support right now. Good luck with everything.

Hardly relevant really in the grand scheme?

May I suggest no one feeds this poster. Please.

I’ve reported it.

This. Everyone knows there's not a hope in hell of getting a conviction, right? Not even a tiny chance. It was a week ago, there will be no evidence and unless he admits it, no hope at all.

There is a hope of OP leaving, making a new life, being happy on her own. OP, that is what I would focus on. Call Women's Aid and any other supports in the area. Find out what's possible. Make plans. And be very sneaky because he's a rotten one.

THANKS!

He's a strong man and he alludes to a temper that though I've never witnessed it, I can imagine it exists.

This jumps out. He doesn't need to beat you, he's made it clear that he can if he wants and that's enough to keep you where he wants you.

I'm sorry. I hope you find a way through. He shouldn't have done that - you made it clear you weren't consenting and a decent man would have respected that. He's not.

Agree with @MrsTerryPratchett and @MrsTerryPratchett

Saying that of OP doesn't report it, her husband will commit rape, incest and paedophilia next is wrong. Don’t emotionally manipulate op like that. You have no stakes in her life, so it's very easy to say 'just report, for your children'.

I think the best thing you can do, op, is consider leaving. It's so difficult in practice. All the best.

The threat of possible violence has clearly been implicit in this marriage.

He simply acted on it by raping the OP.

So important that this is logged by your GP so you have a record if it becomes an issue for access.

He already committed rape, but on their daughters, that's should be**

The OP came on here for support, not this level of drama. Some of these posts are simply unnecessary and not helping someone in shock.

I cannot imagine that I'd report this to the Police, but I would talk to someone about my feelings and how to move forward with this. So OP, try to contact some of the organisations that people have linked to.

The problem is that people are predisposed to think racists are bad men hiding in the shadows. They arent. Hey wear jive clothes, have good jobs and nice families..

They get away with it because they arent perceived to be bad. So.people dont report them for fear of not being believed.

FWIW, I was sexually assaulted as a teen. I dodnt realise it for 10 years. I thought it was just a typical experience. Sadly, I think it was typical. Just because you dont feel like a victim, doesnt mean a crime wasnt committed.

It's ok to not be ok but it's also ok to feel just a bit out of sorts. Just because you dont feel traumatised, it doesnt change the facts.

Sending a hug xx

Everyone knows there's not a hope in hell of getting a conviction, right? Not even a tiny chance. It was a week ago, there will be no evidence and unless he admits it, no hope at all.

This is what I feel too. I also know that I couldn't cope with the process of reporting it and all that goes with that. I've had a little experience of this with my previous job and it's brutal. I'm quite a private person and even though there are some amazing people who support women through this process, I don't think I would ever get over going through all that with strangers - especially when as you say there's not a hope in hell of a conviction.

There is also absolutely no way on earth he would ever admit to it. Zero chance. He will almost never admit to being wrong about anything, even when it's clear he was.

I also wonder what it would mean for access to the children if I leave? I've seen enough times on here that fathers are given access to their children seemingly no matter what the relationship with the mother was like. So if I report him or not, I assume I would still have to share custody of the children. If I've reported, or even accused him, of rape then I imagine things could get incredibly nasty as he will go on the offensive and could make life very very difficult. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want full time custody of them but if he feels under threat he could do anything to try to discredit me. He's shrewd and no matter what I do he'll probably be three steps ahead.

OP you have to do what is right for you. If you don't feel it is within your best interests to report, then don't.

Focus on accessing the help you need at the moment to help you cope with what has happened. Even writing your post has upset you, you need support. You deserve support.

I really hope you can find the strength to leave him so you can be safe.

I also wonder what it would mean for access to the children if I leave? I've seen enough times on here that fathers are given access to their children seemingly no matter what the relationship with the mother was like.

Either you think he’ll harm your children - in which case what the hell are you still doing in the house with him and your kids.

Or you think he wouldn’t harm the children - and do shared access wouldn’t be an issue.

Obviously you have to leave.

I completely understand why you wouldn’t go to the police (not only for the lie conviction rate but you’re also still processing it yourself).

But I urge you to speak to women’s aid and take screenshots of this thread as well as any advice they give you.

If when you leave there are issues and you worry about your DCs safety, then you can prove that this is the reason why you left and you have genuine reasons for concern and why he shouldn’t have unsupervised access.

He can’t then throw it back in your face and turn it around like you’re accusing him of rape because you’re angry he split up with you.

You seem to have a good understanding of what he is like (have the scales been falling from your eyes over a period of time or have they suddenly dropped now?).

Thanks for your post ClementWeatherToday they have definitely been falling for a while. Things weren't great around the time our youngest was a baby. Retrospectively there were signs before that (not of anything like this, but signs that he was someone who was only happy when in control) but I simply didn't see them. I had thought we had moved past those rocky baby/toddler years and things were good again, but have gone downhill in the last six months or so when I wanted to make changes that he didn't want.

Thanks again to all the other posters - I keep typing out replies but my DC and him are here and I'm a bit overwhelmed and keep getting sidetracked, but I really do appreciate it.

Actually couldn’t believe what I was reading there. I’m so sorry, and I hope you have the strength to do what is necessary - call the police and get as far away from him as you can. Also get some professional help.

Thank you for that @DeliciouslyDecadent 💐

I should say since a number of posters have raised it, that I really, really, don't think my children are at risk here. I was discussing the custody thing more as a way to get my thoughts down and see if there's any words of wisdom/ advice from people more in the know than me. Though this happened last week, and it's been on my mind since, I haven't really allowed myself to delve into it and what it would mean until I wrote the post today, so I'm just sort of processing things as I go. Of course I could be wrong about any perceived risk to my DDs and will obviously be hypervigilant in that regard but as things stand I don't believe he would harm them.

@sodthesodoff

How hard would your daughters find it to know their father raped their mother and she just accepted it.

This is a disgusting thing to say.

Really?

I don't think it is

The op asked how her kids would feel if she told them their dad had raped their mother

I'm saying the alternative is far worse.

I've given plenty of advice to the op. Namely she needs specialist help.

OP I’m so sorry you have been through this. From what you say, he did this to punish you and control you. You cannot stay with this man.

Retrospectively there were signs before that (not of anything like this, but signs that he was someone who was only happy when in control) but I simply didn't see them. I had thought we had moved past those rocky baby/toddler years and things were good again, but have gone downhill in the last six months or so when I wanted to make changes that he didn't want.

This is a very common experience for partners of abusers - as long as the abuser feels in control things can be quite stable for a period of time, but as soon as their partner begins to "disobey" them the abuse ramps up (in an attempt to put you back in your place/regain control over you).

It's why people often ask how your partner responds when you say no, about anything - men who are not abusers are able to accept another person's autonomy, empathise with a different point of view, recognise that they won't always have everything their own way etc.

It's also why women who have experienced different types of domestic abuse will sometimes say that the physical violence was the least traumatic part of their relationship experience, because the men who can maintain total control of their partners without using physical violence can actually be much, much more frightening than those whose first step to gain control is to resort to violence. Your husband is in this former group - you alluded earlier to the fact that you make certain decisions on the basis that you fear he would be violent if you made other choices. So far, he hasn't actually "had to" (in his mind) hit you, because you already do what he wants without him "needing" to be violent. Make no mistake, though, he WILL be (more) violent if he deems it to be necessary. As I said before, the abuse will (continue to) escalate.

Is there anyone in your real life that you trust to confide in? You don't have to tell them everything straight away.