To think he went too far? *CW*

[Chatbags]

Name changed for this.

My husband and I are in the midst of somewhat stressful changes at the minute and things are not exactly wonderful, relationship wise. He is not one to discuss feelings but I know he blames me for some of it as I instigated a move that he's not happy about. So while we don't argue or shout or anything like that, I feel he's holding considerable resentment towards me. Work is also not going well for him at the minute. I can give more context but it will be long, and for now I would just like to see what people think of what happened last week. Apologies if TMI.

He had been away for a number of weeks with work. We hadn't seen each other and the night he came back he wanted sex. I told him I could help him out in "other ways", but I wasn't having sex as our water had been switched off for two days and I hadn't been able to have a shower so obviously felt a bit yuck. The maintenance guys were working on it and it was due to be back on in the morning so he would only have to wait until the next day but before I got into the bed I explicitly said I wasn't having sex and told him not to push it.

He pushed it. After a couple of minutes he pulled down my trousers, and I again said I wasn't having sex and he said something like "just the trousers" or he just wanted to get closer, or something like that. He was naked, I still had underwear on. Then he was on top of me and really quickly he pulled my underwear to the side and I said "no" but it was too late.

I didn't stop him though. I went along with it. I'd had a couple of glasses of wine and he probably assumed I would be up for it, as usually in those circumstances I would be, but as I said the lack of water meant I really wasn't. It was over pretty quickly and afterwards I went and slept in my DDs room. This was last week and things are "normal" between us but I still feel strange about it and think he crossed a line. AIBU?

@INeedAnotherName Perhaps your interpretation is correct!

@BrunoMarzipan I apologise if that's the case. (As you'll have seen from other parts of the thread, people do seem to like to come on and make, um, questionable comments to people going through this sort of experience.)

He's not wondering if the mood / your attitude is down to things being not good generally lately.

He knows, he fully knows. He's not oblivious to what he's done, he might not have had the self honesty in his head to use the R word for it, but he knows he did sex to you without you being a willing participant, might even have justified his choice as entitled for stupid twisted reasons, but he still knows.

He's just probing to see what your reaction is going to be. Probably hoping it can be brushed under the carpet and that there'll be no consequences that will annoy him. That in turn will affect his attitude/inhibitions should the situation arise again.

Really sorry you're going through this.

I'm
Sorry this has happened

Yes I think you're right @PimpMyFridge it was a gentle probe to see my reaction/where things stand.

I really never thought he would be someone who could cross a line like this. This is why the post by ClementWeatherToday struck a cord with me. I found it quite chilling when she said:

He has crossed a point of no return now - what he has done is not simply unpleasant, it is illegal. It will be difficult for him to keep himself in check from this point on, his psyche will change because he KNOWS that what he did was very wrong (that is why he did it) and he will not be able to close the lid on that particular box

He has done/said some things before that have been unpleasant and skirted close to the line - not just with me but in general in his life. But this is the first time, that I'm aware of, where he has crossed a boundary into something with potential legal consequences and reputational ruin, and for someone like him who typically has lots of self-control (and who hates being blamed for anything or being "in the wrong") I can't see how he wouldn't be worried about this. This is also why I don't feel confronting him/letting him know my thoughts on what he did, is a wise move.

Your gut instincts are spot on op.
He's let the lid pop on how far he's actually ok to go, squared it with his psyche and moral compass and now he knows that you know and you know that he knows.
Next everyone eyeballs and waits for the next move. If you're a good little victim life can be quiet and easy. That's best outcome for him from this point.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP.

The person who did this to me got 14 years in prison. I know I was very fortunate to get justice (how dreadful we have to be grateful) but just so you know that rape does sometimes carry a very severe penalty.

Please don't stay with this man, and please do report him. I didn't report initially as I couldn't face it and he went on to rape again and only then did I report as I felt I owed it to other women out there.

Giving evidence in court is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but also the thing of which I'm most proud.

@OhamIreally 💐 amazing.

You are right to feel proud @OhamIreally that must have taken such courage. I'm glad it wasn't in vain and you got the justice you deserved.

Things are " normal "?
The Bastard raped you. What a vile thing to do.. 😡
Chuck him out.

@ClementWeatherToday @INeedAnotherName yes, it really wasn't about having to fight him off. she should never have been in that position. I was (probably clumsily) trying to see if OP could think more about her instincts and trust them. And maybe realise how dangerous he is.

I'm so sorry OP 💐

Then I do apologise for misinterpreting your post before, and thank you for clarifying!

You're in a very difficult position as he knows what's up really and he wants to move on, not acknowledge the rape, pretend it never happened but you've been taught a lesson in his eyes. Nothing you say about him sounds loving tbh. What's going to happen if you keep refusing him his 'conjugal rights' (probably how he sees it, you're his wife, you should meet his needs....bollocks)? Can you go and stay with your mum for a good while?

Thanks @trifftrev yes, on the surface he can appear very loving/affectionate but I think I've come to the realisation that he's incapable of love in any real sense. For him It's conditional.

It's such a hard thing to wrap my head around as things can be so good, we have a lovely life and beautiful children and no real worries or problems at all. It should be a charmed life. He's lovely to me and very supportive and loyal in many ways but only so long as things are going his way, which they have for most of our relationship. But once I challenge things/or want to go in another direction with something, then all the support vanishes.

It's been quite a painful realisation but I think he never really "loved" me in any deep sense, he was in his thirties when we met and I think he was desperate for a wife and children, and I fit the bill for his idealised life. Just a part he could install in his house to have the babies who would carry on his family line. Of course he never said any of this, but looking back from this vantage point it's painfully obvious and I can't believe I fell for it.

I could stay with my mum. She has said it before, subtly, that there was always room there if I needed it. It would mean a huge upheaval for everyone (it's the other side of the country) and a change of school for DD but it's likely to be my only route out of here...

Oh @Chatbags , I do hope you do it.

A safe place to be with your mum and DD is what you deserve

She has said it before, subtly, that there was always room there if I needed it.

If she has said this she means every word and is waiting patiently for you to say you're out of the marriage. Go there. Your life will be better.

I can't imagine how painful all this is for you.

Talk to your Mum. She loves you without conditions or strings attached. She'll help you through this.

@Chatbags it sounds like he offered you the fairytale though?

we’re all sold it. And if it’s offered to you it’s hard to see through it.

in his mind, he’s providing what a husband ‘should’ so you ‘should’ do what he wants in return.

its not unusual to be transactional in a relationship, and a lots of (patriarchal) societal norms and ‘ideals’ push in that direction.

coming to know and understand and accept and support another adult often looks different to the ideal.

I really never thought he would be someone who could cross a line like this...He has done/said some things before that have been unpleasant and skirted close to the line - not just with me but in general in his life. But this is the first time, that I'm aware of, where he has crossed a boundary into something with potential legal consequences and reputational ruin, and for someone like him who typically has lots of self-control (and who hates being blamed for anything or being "in the wrong") I can't see how he wouldn't be worried about this.

I would urge you not to underestimate him at this point. Don't make the mistake of thinking that there aren't OTHER lines he is willing to cross, that currently you can't believe he would cross. I was absolutely horrified to read that he has asked you if you're still on your period - this means that not only is he thinking about it, but he actually wants YOU to know that he's thinking about it. There is further threat implicit there.

This is also why I don't feel confronting him/letting him know my thoughts on what he did, is a wise move.

I think you're quite right. I would grey rock as far as possible and get out to your mum's as fast as you can. As @zerofuchsgivenTBH says, the fact that your mum has said this to you means that your husband isn't pulling the wool over everyone's eyes as well as he thinks he is.

When my cousin told me what her husband had been doing to her I was shocked but not very surprised, because I had witnessed him before behaving in ways that raised red flags in my mind. It is vanishingly rare for abuse to exist in isolation - which is to say that where there is one type of abuse you inevitably find other types of abuse too (as I mentioned upthread, my cousin's ex had been violent in front of the children and was also financially abusive, among other things).

I think you are in a very risky time at the moment. Please confide in someone in real life (someone anonymous, like Women's Aid, if you can't yet face telling your GP or your mum or a friend) and make a plan to leave safely. The most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships is when they try to leave

I think your mum saying that to you is very telling. Her instincts told her something wasn't quite right with him. I'm so glad you have the opportunity to go stay with your mum and I do think you should to be honest.

I agree. What do you think your mum has seen in him? Have you ever asked her?

What do you think your mum has seen in him? Have you ever asked her?

When my DDs were babies/toddlers he didn't pull his weight. He worked all hours, when he didn't need to, and basically did zero parenting even when he was at home. She was the one who picked up the slack, spending quite a bit of time with me here helping me with the DC, even though she lives quite far away. I remember feeling guilty/embarrassed about it at the time, as it was obvious she was doing it out of pity as she thought I was struggling (which I was).

This was a few years ago and things did improve as they got older/easier and he became more hands on, but she had witnessed the early dynamic and I guess it stuck with her so that's why she said it.

I think your instinct to get away safely is the correct one.

I think he has shown himself to be a very ugly dangerous individual.

Your mother offering you a home is so telling.

She clearly always wanted you to know that.

Tell her the truth.

Go visit again and make a concrete plan when safe.

Thank you @billy1966 I posted about him on here a few years ago (under a different username) and you gave me some really kind, supportive advice. You also had realised more about him than I did it seems, as you didn't think the marriage would last and you considered his behaviour abusive. I remember at the time thinking that was a bit extreme and sort of justified it as someone not being able to see the full picture from an anonymous post online, but I'm sorry now I didn't listen.

I’m so glad your Mum is there for you. When he’s next out, gather all the important documents / items and get ready to leave. Please speak to women’s aid so they can help you safely leave. You deserve peace and safety in your home.

Don't feel bad, whilst there are many abusive men out there from what I read on here, only a smallish number are rapists too.

Control and anger are the key here, also the implicit threat that he might totally lose it and hurt you if you don't stay in line.

Your mum has most likely seen him clearly so wanted it known to you she was there.
A great woman.

I'm older, like your mum😁, as are many posters and can often very quickly join dots.

I really agree that he is now very unpredictable, and potentially dangerous having crossed a line of moral decency.

I definitely don't wish to scare you, but he will not like the possibility of being exposed.

I think you need to tell your GP and a solicitor and get yourself to your mothers as soon as you can.

When you are gone you can tell him why you have left.

Going for a prosecution is a separate thing and up to you only.

However, when at your mothers, you can tell the police you have fled the family home because of a rape and fear of his anger and what he might do to you and the girls.

Ultimately he is a big bully.
Him knowing people know takes away his power.
He intimidated you to keep you silent.

When people know, bullys like him get scared.

I wouldn't tell him you are going either.
Let him head to work, have stuff easy to grab, and go.

Take important paperwork etc., and the childrens comfort toys.

Stuff can be collected at a later date.

Are you in the UK?