To think he went too far? *CW*

[Chatbags]

Name changed for this.

My husband and I are in the midst of somewhat stressful changes at the minute and things are not exactly wonderful, relationship wise. He is not one to discuss feelings but I know he blames me for some of it as I instigated a move that he's not happy about. So while we don't argue or shout or anything like that, I feel he's holding considerable resentment towards me. Work is also not going well for him at the minute. I can give more context but it will be long, and for now I would just like to see what people think of what happened last week. Apologies if TMI.

He had been away for a number of weeks with work. We hadn't seen each other and the night he came back he wanted sex. I told him I could help him out in "other ways", but I wasn't having sex as our water had been switched off for two days and I hadn't been able to have a shower so obviously felt a bit yuck. The maintenance guys were working on it and it was due to be back on in the morning so he would only have to wait until the next day but before I got into the bed I explicitly said I wasn't having sex and told him not to push it.

He pushed it. After a couple of minutes he pulled down my trousers, and I again said I wasn't having sex and he said something like "just the trousers" or he just wanted to get closer, or something like that. He was naked, I still had underwear on. Then he was on top of me and really quickly he pulled my underwear to the side and I said "no" but it was too late.

I didn't stop him though. I went along with it. I'd had a couple of glasses of wine and he probably assumed I would be up for it, as usually in those circumstances I would be, but as I said the lack of water meant I really wasn't. It was over pretty quickly and afterwards I went and slept in my DDs room. This was last week and things are "normal" between us but I still feel strange about it and think he crossed a line. AIBU?

Please please, report it, protect yourself and your daughters and leave immediately and make sure everyone knows why.

My dad did the same thing to my mother, I don’t really remember when I was told but I am pretty sure I always knew/witnessed it even (my brother is born from one of his sexual assault).

Your daughters will be fine. What’s not going to be fine is them witnessing likely violence heightening in their home as your husband grows confident in those kind of actions (my mom didn’t leave right away and the violence only increased), them knowing their dad is a rapist isn’t going to be easy news but it’s their dad who caused this, not you. They will be fine, because you are going to show them that when something horrible happens to you, you take control and leave and protect yourself and the people you love.

Staying won’t protect your daughters, it might actually make them witness to further inappropriate acts and dynamics which is (trust me) a lot more traumatizing than knowing an unfortunate fact about their dad. They will be okay and they will learn than when a man hurt you, you leave right away and you never let him do it again, because that’s how you protect yourself and those you love.

I hate to know that my dad is a rapist BUT I hate knowing my mom went through it multiple times and got hit multiple times more (to the point she could have died countless of times) because she was trying to act like nothing was happening “for us “ about a 100 times more. I carry a lot more guilt over my mom staying than I do over my dad’s actions because his actions are his.

Seeing what I saw and knowing what I saw means that I grew up completely aware that relationships aren’t necessarily a safe space (not gonna say it didn’t fuck me up and didn’t create some issues) BUT looking back it also taught me to not minimize what happens to us, to leave before things escalate further and to not feel bad for doing the right thing, irrelevant of what mitigating circumstances the perpetrator has. There is no excuse for rape, and there is no good reasons for you to stay with a rapist and have your daughters live under the roof of one. Not even if it’s their father. You probably thought your husband would never do this, he did. So imagine what else he could do, to you, to them. Don’t tempt fate by staying any longer, protect them the only way you know how which is by leaving. They will be okay emotionally, make sure they get the support as required once they find out but don’t let them not finding out be the reason you stay in harms way, that’s not going to benefit them, and that’s not going to protect them of anything, ever.

Good luck, OP and I am so sorry this happened!

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I too have experienced this and at the time I said that would be the last time he touched me and it was. It was the point at which I knew my marriage was over. It had limped along until then but not after that.

Did you read my post? The man I prosecuted also raped his ten year old daughter after the mother stopped having sex with her. Her guilt is all about knowing she could have prevented it. If you don't care about yourself out your daughter's in care because he will be coming for them next.

I'm so sorry OP. This is rape, as everyone else has said. I think you need to start making plans to leave. I'm so sorry.

He raped you. Contact the police and have him charged. 100%.

There are four responses in stressful situations
fight, flight, freeze and appease we do all of these to survive. You froze, you said no, that is 100% rape and he will do it again. Once is enough for anyone.

Please report it to the police as a 999. Leave the house and report. He knows it is rape. I’m so sorry.

OP, well done for your honesty.

You have a good read on him and your safety is most important.

Any accusation of rape could trigger what is clearly an angry, violent man.

Please reach out for support from Women's aid, as to the best way to leave.

Legal advice based on the truth that it is because of a rape is very important.

I think telling people who love you and care for you is very important.

You need supporting through this.

Sorry you are going through this. I would urge you to contact Rape Crisis (details posted by a PP) and talk it all through with them.

You can never be normal again. Your husband raped you. It was a power move. It was violence. You need to get out because it will happen again. You need to confide in friends and get out.

I'm so sorry, the disgusting vile excuse for a husband raped you. The sad thing is, unless you act now, he will probably do it again. Please tell someone in real life who can help you.

Oh good grief. Of all the threads to miss-post on. My apologies!

I agree with the other posters, he raped you. Can you contact women's aid, refuge or rape crisis to find a way though this, whether through counselling or leaving or both. If you feel you can't pick up the phone then go see your GP, they will know where to refer you

The posters urging the OP to report him should back off.

You're all just putting more pressure on her and verging on asserting your online 'power.'

The poster who said 'he'll be coming for your daughter next'- that's actually quite cruel.

Just because you knew one case like this doesn't mean it will happen to the OP.

Going through a rape trial is incredibly stressful, if it even got to court.

The OP can end the marriage without telling her daughter why. That is her choice and she shouldn't be bullied into it with scare tactics.

Tbh your relationship sounds bloody awful. Since when is sex 'helping out' a man? Offering to give a handjob/blowjob to placate a horny man when you do not want sex - do you see any analogy with sex work here? Wives aren't prostitutes or concubines. And why are you only 'up for it' when under the influence? It comes across as if you endure this man's attentions at the best of times. Your arrangements sound prehistoric. Whether you decide to go to the police or not, you need to leave him. He's predatory and an abuser, and he quite clearly does not gaf about you.

That's rape OP. You told him repeatedly you weren't up for it and then you even said no at the time (even if you had frozen entirely and not been able to say anything, it'd still've been rape.)

He knew exactly what he was doing.

I think you should leave ASAP and permanently- he's not safe to be around.

The poster who said 'he'll be coming for your daughter next'- that's actually quite cruel.

Just because you knew one case like this doesn't mean it will happen to the OP.

It is an increased risk though. Of course if a bloke doesn't care about consent then he's more likely to ignore the age of consent than the average man too, as consent is not important to him or it gives him a kick to breach it.

You've been given lots of good advice above, but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry OP. I hope you're OK and that you have support IRL too (even if you can't talk to them about this yet/ever) x

I'm really sorry this happened to you. You didn't cause it and you couldn't have controlled it. It is not your shame to bear.

You do have a choice whether to accept this.

First off I was to say I’m so sorry op but I do agree with other posters. I know it’s not as easy as just getting up and walking away and I do understand about being in shock and disbelief.

I was in a abusive relationship myself when I was 18 where I was hit ,sexually assaulted ,verbally and mentally abused and I had family members and friends beg me to leave and I never did until I was in my early 20’s however it took a long time to sink in. I did however make a lot of excuses for him. The thing is sometimes things were so good between us I thought I’d be with him forever it was just when I said or did something he didn’t like his mood would switch and I would always mentally make excuses for him.

I know your situation isn’t the same I’m not saying that I am saying even if you don’t report it to the police go to your gp get advice in case it does happen again know what you’re entitled if you had to leave protect yourself and your children first. I hope you have friends and family as support system.

This is your opinion. If you are so certain that rapists them rape their daughters, you need to prove it, not 'predict ' it.

What he did was terrible, but it's a huge leap to say he is also a paedophile who will rape his daughter(s).

It's actually coming over a blackmail to try to force the OP to report him to the police.

If you don't want to report the rape, please seek support from your local Women's Aid. They can provide guidance on the best way to keep yourself safe whilst you make your plans to leave.

Now that your husband has crossed the line, you are potentially in danger. His behaviour could escalate, especially if he is losing control of other areas of his life.

I'm so sorry, it is devastating when you realise that you have been raped by your husband. 💐

@Chatbags mumsnet has a very black and white view of what posters should do about situations like this.

im sorry this happened to you OP. The thing to reflect on is what is the best FOR YOU?

that will also be the best for your children in the long run.

do you want to leave your marriage? It sounds like maybe you do?

i honestly think that is the priority for you to think about.

if you do it sounds like you are concerned what his reaction may be, and that you should be doing some planning and getting organised and support in place before you make your move.

in your shoes I think I’d be focusing on that and getting me and my children out safely.

i don’t think I’d report. Though I may consider reporting to police but asking for no further action so there is a record there in case needed down the line in divorce proceedings. I’d get some legal advice (from a divorce lawyer experienced in domestic abuse cases asap).

given the low conviction rate in rape cases, I think I’d avoid that if possible for both myself and my children.

unless I had concerns about their safety with him as a solo parent.

id tell them in an age appropriate way that is wended the marriage because he’d been very disrespectful and I no longer felt safe, without offering details.

But if I said it to him now outright I would be nervous of his reaction. He's never been violent or threatened me or anything like that but if I used the term "rape" or "rapist" he would, I imagine, have a visceral reaction. He's a strong man and he alludes to a temper that though I've never witnessed it, I can imagine it exists. I think I'd need to put a plan into place to leave before I said anything about it/confronted him.

I would completely agree with you that you should not raise it with him. It would do absolutely no good and would be extremely risky.

Are you aware that abuse always gets worse? It never gets better, and it never stays the same. It may be that the stress he is under us a contributing factor to the timing of this very sudden escalation, and if I were you I would be making a plan to get out FAST.

He has crossed a point of no return now - what he has done is not simply unpleasant, it is illegal. It will be difficult for him to keep himself in check from this point on, his psyche will change because he KNOWS that what he did was very wrong (that is why he did it) and he will not be able to close the lid on that particular box. It will be up to you to take action to stop it happening again, or something even more serious happening, by leaving.

Women's Aid and Rape Crisis can both help you here. You seem to have a good understanding of what he is like (have the scales been falling from your eyes over a period of time or have they suddenly dropped now?). You can also confide in your GP to begin forming a paper trail in your medical records for if you do decide to pursue legal avenues in the future, and to get more support for yourself.

My cousin, who recently left her boyfriend in similar circumstances, has had excellent support from her GP. Her boyfriend also began raping her at a time when he was going through a lot of stress elsewhere (not that that excuses it at all, what I mean is that it does seem to be quite common for a certain type of man with a fragile ego to begin using partner rape to try to reassert his authority when he feels it is under threat in other areas of his life). The rapes escalated in both frequency and brutality (as did his other abuse, being violent around their daughters and so on) and she eventually left him after he did something one day that made her fear he would imminently kill her if she stayed any longer. I do not wish to frighten you, but statistically it is not likely that this will be the worst thing he does if you stay with him. Please leave sooner than she did.

This is your opinion. If you are so certain that rapists them rape their daughters, you need to prove it, not 'predict ' it.

Not all rapists of adults rape children too, but it is more likely than with non-rapists.

Why take the risk anyway.

What he did was terrible, but it's a huge leap to say he is also a paedophile who will rape his daughter(s).

Some sex offenders aren't exclusively paedoes, they're just motivated by sex and power and that can include sexual assault of a range of people, given the opportunity. They are opportunistic. There really are some people who are aroused or gratified by breaking consent in general, too.

It's actually coming over a blackmail to try to force the OP to report him to the police.

I haven't said anything about the police at all. I know reporting stuff can be very hard as I've done it several times.

What's important is that OP gets away from him, and safely.

Oh God, I'm so sorry. Honestly, I know it's hard for you to hear and I know you're not wanting to hear it but it's rape. Please don't think it isn't because you're married, no means no. Please reach out for support, I'm so sorry.

He raped you. That was his decision and reporting him to the police is a natural consequence of that.. its not something you are 'doing to him' He did this. And if he doesnt face consequences of any type he will go forward in his life knowing its ok to do this. Maybe it won't get to court as there's no evidence but it will make a point to him that you understand you were raped and he is not going to be able to gaslight you. It deserves to be on record that he is a rapist.. because he is one. Please tell someone, talk about it, ideally the police but even just friends, family even your gp if you feel able. Some people might try and minimise it but you will find the majority will understand this is rape and be very shocked. If you keep it all to yourself its easy to decide it wasnt really that bad.. just let it go, pretend it never happened. If you say it out loud to someone you trust it may help you. Because I really don't think you can let this slide. He abused you and he will think he's got away with it and can do it again.. possibly in other ways too. Needs to be stopped now. Im so sorry this happened to you. That is terrifying and sad and you must be going through so much now.

It’s very telling about the nature of your relationship that you can’t confront him about the rape without an exit plan due to his potential temper.

The posters insisting you report may not have experience of reporting rape to the police. It’s not likely to go anywhere partly due to the lack of evidence inherent in the situation, and partly due to lack of polite resources. It’s very difficult to prosecute rape in relationships and the successful cases are generally where there is other evidence of domestic abuse.

The most important outcome must be a complete review of your relationship and steps to move away from this man.