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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he went too far? *CW*

237 replies

Chatbags · 29/07/2023 11:20

Name changed for this.

My husband and I are in the midst of somewhat stressful changes at the minute and things are not exactly wonderful, relationship wise. He is not one to discuss feelings but I know he blames me for some of it as I instigated a move that he's not happy about. So while we don't argue or shout or anything like that, I feel he's holding considerable resentment towards me. Work is also not going well for him at the minute. I can give more context but it will be long, and for now I would just like to see what people think of what happened last week. Apologies if TMI.

He had been away for a number of weeks with work. We hadn't seen each other and the night he came back he wanted sex. I told him I could help him out in "other ways", but I wasn't having sex as our water had been switched off for two days and I hadn't been able to have a shower so obviously felt a bit yuck. The maintenance guys were working on it and it was due to be back on in the morning so he would only have to wait until the next day but before I got into the bed I explicitly said I wasn't having sex and told him not to push it.

He pushed it. After a couple of minutes he pulled down my trousers, and I again said I wasn't having sex and he said something like "just the trousers" or he just wanted to get closer, or something like that. He was naked, I still had underwear on. Then he was on top of me and really quickly he pulled my underwear to the side and I said "no" but it was too late.

I didn't stop him though. I went along with it. I'd had a couple of glasses of wine and he probably assumed I would be up for it, as usually in those circumstances I would be, but as I said the lack of water meant I really wasn't. It was over pretty quickly and afterwards I went and slept in my DDs room. This was last week and things are "normal" between us but I still feel strange about it and think he crossed a line. AIBU?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 31/07/2023 08:06

I meant to add, I don't believe many women, if any, would expect their partner of years to be capable of raping them.

That is a huge shock for any woman.

Things have been challenging and he has felt a loss of control.

Unfortunately we see the true person when we say no.

My grandmother told me to always say No to a man and become unwell early in a relationship, to get a real peak at his character.

Remember this is ALL on him.

zerofuchsgivenTBH · 31/07/2023 10:25

My grandmother told me to always say No to a man and become unwell early in a relationship, to get a real peak at his character.

Amazing advice from your grandmother and it's obviously not a new phenomenon. I have been stunned a few times at how quickly a pleasant, professional man turns nasty and aggressive when challenged. Have seen it a few times and it's a real Jekyll and Hyde moment - the speed of the switch. It's also important to look at how they treat you when no one is watching.

Such men have a deep seated contempt for women and cannot bear for a woman to assume she has rights equal to theirs, and one of those rights is to say no. OP has said she has made a move he is not happy about and this feels very much like she is being punished and put in her place for it.

Stay safe OP.

PimpMyFridge · 31/07/2023 11:58

billy1966 · 31/07/2023 08:06

I meant to add, I don't believe many women, if any, would expect their partner of years to be capable of raping them.

That is a huge shock for any woman.

Things have been challenging and he has felt a loss of control.

Unfortunately we see the true person when we say no.

My grandmother told me to always say No to a man and become unwell early in a relationship, to get a real peak at his character.

Remember this is ALL on him.

Your excellent grandmother! I will be borrowing that.
Reminds me of when I was dating DH. He was out with our mutual friend who is disabled female. She later told me how he had responded when she fell and couldn't get up... It was very positive being the minimum required let's just say. He didn't even mention it to me. I know then he was a keeper because acts of kindness with no expectation of praise or reward, plus not seeing vulnerability as a weakness but just a joint problem... Green flags.
So your GM advising see how we respond to those things is a good way of flushing out the red flags.

billy1966 · 31/07/2023 13:57

Thank you🙏

Both of my Grandmother's were incredible women and became nurses during WW1.

Strong capable women whom both chose very well in their husbands, and had great marriages.

I was in my 20's when they died and can very clearly recall great wisdom from them both.

I distinctly remember being told by Granny, when I found my first teenage job, that most important money any woman should have, would be her "buzz off money"......money put aside and kept to tell any employer or man, to buzz off, if needs be!

She always said among the most important qualities in a man are kindness, respect and loyalty, as everything else flows from these things.

Young women often don't think about these things unless someone mentions them and brings them to their attention, and lodges them in their mind.

They both did this for me.

Certainly the whole saying No to test someone is so obvious, when you think about it.

Of course someone likes you when you always say yes, in both female and male relationships.

How often have we read about women being close friends with someone and always saying yes, and yet they are ghosted at the first No?

@PimpMyFridge I remember when me and hubby were at our very loved up stage and my buddy got dumped and was a bit lost.
I felt so bad knowing she was going to be home on a Saturday night.
So we got into the habit of going for an early bite and would swing by to pick her up and would go to bars/clubs where we would meet lots of people she/we would know.
I really liked that he understood and got it without any big explanation.

All these small markers build a very detailed picture of who someone really is.

The older you are the quicker and clearer those pictures are.

Just like the dots of a good man can be spotted quickly, so too can those of a man who will likely give you a dogs life, be joined together.

The skill is recognising what the good and bad dots are.

PimpMyFridge · 31/07/2023 15:03

@billy1966 👌👌👌 couldn't agree more!

Alicenwonderland · 31/07/2023 15:33

So sorry to hear what happened to you op. As someone who spent 8 years in an abusive relationship (not realising at the time as I was so brainwashed by him!) I would please advise that you contact womens aid for advice. My ex sounds very similar, controlling, okayish as long as he got his own way. The trouble is with these men they tend to escalate very slowly and gradually over time. You become accustomed to the way they treat you and it becomes the norm. You make excuses for them (mine was stressed because of his job and the kids ect.) When they do push you so far your gut starts screaming at you, you're so conditioned you can't think straight and you go into head in the sand mode. I finally kicked my ex out after he went to hit my son, missed and hit me. This was a week after he'd had my other son by the throat against the fence. He'd sworn then never to lay a hand on the kids again. I can't actually believe what I'm typing, 6 years on, but at the time it was normal! We then spent a year "co-parenting" eg him ramping up the abuse towards me. I finally called womens aid and they were wonderful. They helped me sort out my head and see the wood for the trees. 6 years on and we're still going through court over custody of our two children together. Third time he's taken me to court in the 6 years. I wish I'd left sooner. I wish I'd reported his actions to the police, believe me, it makes a difference if you've previously reported or not. It also makes a difference if you've had an IDVA (women's aid support worker). You can always do what I did, just phone for a chat. I phoned the first time and they advised me to cut all contact with him including him seeing the kids (he was abusive towards them too at this point) but I was too scared so I waited another 6 months. When I was ready I called again and they were there for me.

Chatbags · 31/07/2023 21:32

Thanks Alicenwonderland, glad to hear you got out from that situation. I'm sorry you are still battling him in court though, I fear this could be my future. He has resources I won't have, but if I think too much about that I'm likely to freeze again and not act. I'm going to contact women's aid tomorrow when the DC are out of the house.

I can relate to what you say about not being able to believe what you've just typed. I was looking back last night at an old post I wrote on here a few years ago when we were in a bad patch and I can't recognise the person who wrote it. It's surreal what I considered "not that bad" when it clearly was. I had two long term relationships before my husband and while they obviously didn't work out, both were such normal, decent men. I would have been adamant back then that I would never tolerate an ounce of what the last five years have brought. It's so bizarre and head spinning to me that I ended up in this situation, no doubt I'll be trying to unravel what happened for years to come.

OP posts:
Adarajames · 31/07/2023 21:49

If you can report his abuse of you and have it on record, then you should be able to get Legal Aid should you need it for any fight in court. Do try and speak with Women’s Aid, they can really help you and let you know what options you have now. Thinking of you 💐

porridgeisbae · 31/07/2023 21:53

I don't know if PP's have mentioned it but an in person group (or Zoom group) of The Freedom Programme https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ is great to help you get your head around what's happened. (Most women do it after they've got out rather than while they're still in, but you could do it now if you think you can safely.)

Reading/doing the course online can't really be the same. They do have a few videos up on Youtube though. https://www.youtube.com/@freedomprogrammepatcraven4682/videos

Before you continue to YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/@freedomprogrammepatcraven4682/videos

Chatbags · 31/07/2023 21:56

Thank you porridgeisbae and Adarajames that's really useful information. I've heard the freedom programme mentioned on here before but have never looked in to it so will do.

OP posts:
Alicenwonderland · 01/08/2023 16:34

I hope Womens aid were able to help you. It's a positive step forward. I was given an IDVA who worked with me. When I stopped working with her I was put on the freedom course which was amazing. I actually went through three IDVAs in the end!! The post separation abuse was horrendous! I was very fortunate to get legal aid. This is incredibly difficult to get now but as I'd worked with Womens aid I was eligible (and also very broke!). My ex always represents himself. Xx

Sosocold · 03/08/2023 22:55

Hope you are OK, Op?

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