To feel so excluded

[LucyD30]

So I work in an office in a team of 7 (at my particular office). The company is quite big - 4 or 5 offices with maybe 150 employees per office. My team are really close. We all get on really well and there is lots of banter. I’ve always felt like an outsider - not sure why - maybe because I’m part-time. I have just never felt like I fitted in. However we all have a laugh and I thought I was liked and quite a valued member of the team.
A few months ago I found out that another member of staff, who is in a different team to me but sits near us, has organised a regular meal out. I think a while ago it was only a few people who went but it has evolved over time. It has now got to the point where everyone in my team is invited except me. On the day when the meal takes place they all talk about it in front of me. The lady who organises it has always been really friendly towards me and I can’t think why I’ve been excluded. This afternoon was so humiliating as I was sat there while they were all talking about who to share lifts with and who was going back to whose house after work etc. I just sat there feeling so embarrassed- I didn’t know where to look. It’s put me in such a weird mood. I really thought I had a good working relationship with these people. We are an open plan office and so I didn’t have the guts to confront all of them. I just don’t know how to approach this.
i messaged my colleague to apologise for being distant and explained that I felt really excluded and embarrassed but she didn’t organise it and was trying to be discreet at least - and I don’t blame her for it. It just makes me dread going in.
should I have a quiet word with the lady who organises this? Or my boss? I shouldn’t feel like I’m choking back the tears every month when they do this but on the other hand I would hate to be invited out of pity.
i really didn’t think something like this would upset me this much!

Why don’t you just ask if you can come? After working all my life in offices no-one is deliberately excluded, sometimes things are planned when nit everyone is there, and occasionally you fall through the gaps. If you want to go, just ask.

People realky need to stop trying to find an “insult” and just speak

Im surprised your boss is also involved in the exclusion: incredibly poor management! You must raise this with her for sure

My work is exactly like this. It sucks. I tried to raise it as did a colleague on her exit interview - but other than a few trite attempts to pretend to be more inclusive - nothing has changed. I’ve blocked anyone I had from work on social media and am
looking for a new job. It does really hurt to be left out - I don’t think you’re overreacting. I hope you can find a solution x

Your story reminded me of this lady so if you wanted to complain about it to your manager or HR

https://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/real-lives/woman-wins-nearly-75k-after-24012375.amp

They can if it is arranged using the work email system.

Where I work, you can only use the work email system for invites if everyone is included.

This would be considered as bullying due to the fact that a single person is being excluded, especially when they must know OP checks the managers emails.

Sounds like you work with some horrible people.

This is horrible I'm so sorry 😔 I'm like you and wouldn't feel comfortable asking someone face to face so maybe email the person who sent out the invite to everyone and say something like "hey I've noticed everyone has been going out together and I wondered if I've done something to upset someone as I haven't been invited?"

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you can reach out to your boss to try and resolve it. You are right in feeling hurt.

Not sure I would class your work colleague as a friend! If she really was one why didn't she ask why you didn't come on the first one. Or after realising you where not invited asked the group while they where out how come op is not here.

It's highly unlikely. Mainly because I don't go out with people from work and I'm not inclined towards being verbally or physically aggressive IRL.

Perhaps I could be the victim of bullying without even knowing it? I have no interest in forcing my company upon people, if they wanted me there, they'd have invited me in the first place after all, but should I complain anyway?

The OP's boss cannot force a person on another team to invite the OP to a dinner that person has organised. She has no control over what this person does. What do you want the OP's boss to do?

Yes I'd do that.

You can't r invited last minute as it's all booked in advance but you can ask about the next one.

I'd say nothing that indicated there was any issue or you felt hurt or left out, just that it sounds fun, can you come to next one.

I saw a meme a couple of years ago which said excluding someone, from a sm group, or a am invite, is bullying. I am victim of this myself and it is very hurtful, though tbf I don't really want to go out with xx or yy.

I wondered if you find that meme and post it somewhere people will see it, I don't think it will get you an invite, but it may make someone think.

@Scienceadvisory excluding someone in the manner in which OP is being excluded is bullying. If her boss doesn't realise this, she shouldn't be a boss. This is what I meant

The OP's boss cannot force a person on another team to invite the OP to a dinner that person has organised. She has no control over what this person does. What do you want the OP's boss to do?

They can ask why the op is not included and see what the organiser says, which is unlikely to be ‘ I hate them’. Hopefully that will either shame the person into inviting them and if it’s an oversight highlighting the omission.
Any boss that was happy to maintain that status quo would not be worthy of my loyalty and I’d be looking for another job.

Oh no! Don't do that, really not a mature, professional response!
Would you invite these people you don't like out? For those complaining about not being invited. How often are you organising events and inviting people? Particularly people you say you don't like?

Its awful op. I temped. Saw alot of this going on. But sometimes u need call out bad behaviours. I rememb in one lunch place she had her back to me. No more seats. Grown women are nasty at times. She knew she was doing it too

Choosing not to go out is very different from being excluded from an all-team gathering.

If you aren't being invited then perhaps you are being bulled too. Bullying isn't just verbal or physical aggressiom, it can be insidious and sly, and just as damaging.

I hope you don't experience it.

I'd be tempted not to confront, but say to the organiser "Oh I'd like to come along this time if that's ok, what time is it?"

What does this mean sorry? She told you there were no seats for you?

So even if someone doesn't want to go, wouldn't want to go even if asked, should their colleagues be made by h.r to invite them to an out of work event or 'get into trouble'?

It doesn't need to be that deep. OP says there is a meeting invite for the dinner. You just send the invite to all 7 people on the team. Then OP can accept or decline as she wishes.

How many people are invited? It could be a pure mistake?

Ohno she didnt want me at the table. Another girl pulled a chair in. She def gave vibes I wasnt welcome. Others were lovely.

What a sad individual she is. I temped back in the 90s. I remember one place in the middle of seeming nowhere where lunch options were poor. One woman arranged for everyone to go to Nandos for lunch but deliberately excluded me and another temp.

It was such calculated cruelty to two 18yos. People paid for their own lunches so it wasn't as if she would have had to expense our lunches.

I think I would say you are working from home because of the bullying culture in the office. That will scare your boss into doing something about it. Unfortunately you need a tough skin when you work in this cliquey environments.