To feel so excluded

[LucyD30]

So I work in an office in a team of 7 (at my particular office). The company is quite big - 4 or 5 offices with maybe 150 employees per office. My team are really close. We all get on really well and there is lots of banter. I’ve always felt like an outsider - not sure why - maybe because I’m part-time. I have just never felt like I fitted in. However we all have a laugh and I thought I was liked and quite a valued member of the team.
A few months ago I found out that another member of staff, who is in a different team to me but sits near us, has organised a regular meal out. I think a while ago it was only a few people who went but it has evolved over time. It has now got to the point where everyone in my team is invited except me. On the day when the meal takes place they all talk about it in front of me. The lady who organises it has always been really friendly towards me and I can’t think why I’ve been excluded. This afternoon was so humiliating as I was sat there while they were all talking about who to share lifts with and who was going back to whose house after work etc. I just sat there feeling so embarrassed- I didn’t know where to look. It’s put me in such a weird mood. I really thought I had a good working relationship with these people. We are an open plan office and so I didn’t have the guts to confront all of them. I just don’t know how to approach this.
i messaged my colleague to apologise for being distant and explained that I felt really excluded and embarrassed but she didn’t organise it and was trying to be discreet at least - and I don’t blame her for it. It just makes me dread going in.
should I have a quiet word with the lady who organises this? Or my boss? I shouldn’t feel like I’m choking back the tears every month when they do this but on the other hand I would hate to be invited out of pity.
i really didn’t think something like this would upset me this much!

I would take a deap breath, and then another one, and then ask straight-out why everybody else was invited but not me. Whatever the answer but then you would at least knów why.

Exactly this and the manager is complicit in the bullying especially if they knew you would see the message in their inbox. Talk to HR

Can you pinpoint anything concrete that made you feel like the outsider you said you'd felt before this? Or was it only a feeling you had prior to this, something you couldn't put your finger on? Maybe they've typecast you as a rather quiet , introvert, non social person? Then you never saying "oh that sounds great can I come?" solidified that? It's so weird the organiser walks her dog with you when you both have your dogs at work, which is a nice friendly thing, then excludes you on the night out. I'd feel humiliated & upset too

Is your workplace part of the local authority OP? This happened to me when I worked for the council. I was excluded from the Christmas party, except a nice colleague (the only nice person there) was really annoyed on my behalf and made a huge fuss and insisted I was invited. So I went along and really wished I hadn’t.

The OP mentioned that she is the only part-time member of staff, and I do think this is relevant. There has definitely been a tendency in offices I've worked in for part-time, temporary and freelance staff to be seen as 'outer circle' when it came to social events.

This is absolutely appalling. I would definitely start looking for another role somewhere. This is definitely not a normal working environment and if you stay there you will start to become paranoid that you are the cause of this which you are definitely NOT. Even if there was something really weird/mean/bad about you (which I'm sure there isn't), this is not a normal way for your colleagues to behave. Really nasty !!
I really hope you resolve this OP.
🌷🌷

I have been in this exact position, the only female in the office not invited on a works night out.However the night out was kept a secret on purpose from me, the organiser went as far as changing facebook settings so I couldnt see pics of the night out and emailing the person who say next to me to say I wasnt invited. I totally understand how horrible it feels to be left out.

If they talk about it in front of you, maybe everyone thinks someone else invited you already or it started off small and other people then joined in without a specific invitation type of thing?

I once worked in a cliquey place. Group of girls same age as me all went out for drinks every Thursday night and not once did they ask me.

when I asked one of the girls about it, she said “oh well you’ve got the kids so you know we just assumed you wouldn’t want to come”. I told her that was my decision to make.

my error, however, was that because I created a fuss about it I actually had to go on the damn nights out 😂

Thanks for all the messages. It’s interesting reading the different points of views. So to clarify, I did have my chance to raise it and I did at the time though maybe I wasn’t direct enough! The lady in question had come into the office looking dressed up and I asked her what she was up to and told her she looked nice etc. she said she was going out for dinner and I asked where and she told me. She never said anything about it being with work people and she had the opportunity then to ask if I wanted to come to the next one.
i may sound like I’m being difficult but, although I would have absolutely gone if I’d been invited, I don’t want to invite myself - it doesn’t seem genuine and will make the evening very awkward for me if I have to invite myself. She had every opportunity to invite me when we were chatting so I have to accept that she obviously doesn’t want me there enough to ask me and I don’t want to get myself an invitation by asking as it will feel weird - and I don’t want to ruin their evening by being there either (though I really can’t see how I would!).
I was thinking about bringing it up with her tomorrow but there is no point really. I’ll make her feel awkward and obliged to invite me which I don’t want. I just wish they had been discreet and not made such a big deal about it in front of me.
im going to just work from home on these days as I can easily do that and I shouldn’t have to feel so humiliated every time this happens!

Just hold your head up high and try not to let it bother you, easier said than done I know. Just work from home on these days as you said to avoid you feeling uncomfortable and wait your chance to say something as it will come at some point. Have an idea of how you want to respond and don't miss the mark, they deserve it but keep your dignity. You really don't want to mix socially with these people as they have acted despicably and no one deserves to be treated like that.

You don't sound like you are being difficult at all, you have played fair all the way. But where oh where is that colleague you emailed who sounded shocked that you hadn't been invited .......? Why hasn she done something - harangued the organiser, told everyone else what the situation is so that they take your side with the organiser....???

I don’t think I’d want to socialise with these people if they don’t open invite to anyone who wants to come. Honestly I think you’ve dodged a bullet!

i know it’s not nice, try not to take it personally although I know what is hard.
go in, do your job with head held high. Very soon this will implode and someone fall out with someone and you can sit there and grin.

Next time they all talk about it in front of you, I would throw your hands up in mock horror and say in a jokey way ‘I wish you’d all stop tormenting me when I’m the only one here not invited’. I reckon if it was done in a jokey (dramatic) way they may get the hint. That’s what I’d do anyway!

I feel like we are missing some information here. If you messaged your colleague then what was her response? If it was me, next time they are discussing it, I’d say loudly ‘Is the invite extended to everyone because I’ve not been invited’? See what happens. It seems very mean to deliberately leave just one person out in such a small office. I also think it weird that no one has ever asked your directly if you’re going or not, which makes me think there’s more to this than meets the eye.

I also did wonder why no one thought to mention op or asked how she was getting to the venue when they were discussing who is taking cars and who is going in which car. It all seems a bit odd especially since they are all openly sitting discussing it infront of their colleague they haven't invited. They all know OP isn't invited and the person arranging it knows she has invited everyone except OP.

The only way to find out why is to actually ask. It will be uncomfortable but it has to be done if answers are wanted.

Yes, that could work.

Or you would look an absolute twonk.

Either way you would be noticed!