To feel so excluded

[LucyD30]

So I work in an office in a team of 7 (at my particular office). The company is quite big - 4 or 5 offices with maybe 150 employees per office. My team are really close. We all get on really well and there is lots of banter. I’ve always felt like an outsider - not sure why - maybe because I’m part-time. I have just never felt like I fitted in. However we all have a laugh and I thought I was liked and quite a valued member of the team.
A few months ago I found out that another member of staff, who is in a different team to me but sits near us, has organised a regular meal out. I think a while ago it was only a few people who went but it has evolved over time. It has now got to the point where everyone in my team is invited except me. On the day when the meal takes place they all talk about it in front of me. The lady who organises it has always been really friendly towards me and I can’t think why I’ve been excluded. This afternoon was so humiliating as I was sat there while they were all talking about who to share lifts with and who was going back to whose house after work etc. I just sat there feeling so embarrassed- I didn’t know where to look. It’s put me in such a weird mood. I really thought I had a good working relationship with these people. We are an open plan office and so I didn’t have the guts to confront all of them. I just don’t know how to approach this.
i messaged my colleague to apologise for being distant and explained that I felt really excluded and embarrassed but she didn’t organise it and was trying to be discreet at least - and I don’t blame her for it. It just makes me dread going in.
should I have a quiet word with the lady who organises this? Or my boss? I shouldn’t feel like I’m choking back the tears every month when they do this but on the other hand I would hate to be invited out of pity.
i really didn’t think something like this would upset me this much!

Agree tough skin needed! Its hard on receiving end of it.

For everyone saying that no-one should be forced to invite someone to a social gathering, or that the OP is being unreasonable, or that the organiser has done nothing wrong, they can invite who they want, etc. I've got news for you: You're the bully.

@KinooOrKinog I think that can only be said if its a work event? You can't mean if someone has a hen do or birthday meal they need to invite everyone at work or they know or they're a 'bully'?

As it evolved over time, I'd hope it was more an oversight than anything intentional - more people assuming you hadn't shown interest.

No, they don't. But the key thing here is that everyone in the team except OP is invited. If someone is repeatedly and deliberately inviting everyone except one individual then that's bullying, yes. At the very least it's shitty behaviour.

So sorry this is happening to you. I am appalled that your colleagues feel this is ok. It is not a small thing at all and anyone would feel as you do in this situation.

It’s can apply to any group of people, if you invite everyone else and exclude one person from it. Hobby group, family, group of school friends etc.. it’s just not nice to be on the receiving end of it and I can only assume you haven’t experienced it if you can’t see the issue.

I can't believe how awful these people are to exclude you in this way.
Maybe they feel you aren't interested in attending.
I would mention bright and breezily it to the organiser and day next time you'd like to come.
If they exclude you after that then they are really really awful.

Yes they can. You obviously don't know a great deal about Equality and Diversity.

You are so wrong, it is bullying.

Ask if there is a reason you are not being invited. If you receive a negative reply, report it to HR. I would not accept an invite whatever the reason given to invite you.
Your situation is intolerable, I would consider looking for alternative employment.

Can you think of anything you may have done that could have upset anyone?

If it’s an out of work event then maybe they shouldn’t be using the work emails and work calendars to organise it.
if one person out of the team is being excluded YES it’s classed as bullying, Op isn’t being given the same opportunities to bond with the team. See my previous post, a court last year, we’re in favour of a victim, she was awarded money for her workplace doing exactly the same thing the OP is going through

A similar thing happened to me, except there were two of us excluded rather than just the one (so I didn't feel like I was the only pariah in the building). I and the other girl acted as if we didn't care, although I did care, and I daresay she did as well. It was horrible, and still makes me feel angry when I think of it, despite its being over 25 years ago. Similar to you, I always thought the whole team got on like a house on fire, but this group of women (which included the boss) talked openly about their exclusive nights out. I never confronted them about it, because I didn't want to be invited out of pity, and in those days HR wouldn't have given a shit.
Eventually I got another job and moved on, but I never thought particularly kindly of that group again.

Absolutely echo what everyone else is saying about culture of bullying and how absolutely understandable it is that you’re feeling so hurt. Are you a different level of seniority to them in some way? You say you have access to their emails etc for work reasons which makes me wonder if you’re a PA or other business support role and maybe they have some (very very poorly thought out) reason for thinking you can’t be party to certain conversations?

That would be my best guess at a semi-reasonable explanation - otherwise they are just actual c*nts!!

This doesn’t sound a nice situation, but you definitely need to address it and not wallow. Could be an oversight, or could be they didn’t want to invite you - you won’t know until you bring it up. I wouldn’t let it bother you though, ask and move on!

Is the event straight after work? Do they think that you have to collect the kids so wouldn't make it on time for the meal perhaps? Or do you live further away from your colleagues or not drive? Maybe as you mention lifts etc it is as simple as logistics and none of your colleagues want to offer to pick you up or drop you back. I would mention to your friend, that if they did invite you, you would get there and back ok.

I would be looking for a new job op, or at least move to a new office.
They are deliberately excluding you. The person you think is your friend - definitely isn’t.
Also I would bet that there probably is a private whatsapp group they’re all on & your “friend” knows this.
Its tough, but the only resolution is to confront it - which may make the situation worse or remove yourself from it.
Personally I wouldn’t even work in the office until I left the job & definitely wouldn’t interact with the organiser unless it was for work. Good luck.

I know it feels isolating and being excluded. But as an outsider looking in, it’s been arranged ages on the spare of the moment, everyone was invited except you as you were not there. The next one was arranged that evening, sometimes we are all busy and a lot of things can pass us by without realising.

You don’t want to be seen as indignant here, (don’t mention “why am I not going” as not a way to win friends), be bright and breezy “ooh are you going out, can I come I love a meal out”! If you flip out at them you may only be invited once and you may not be thought well of in future social arrangements. Or turn the table and you organise a meal out for everyone?
Try not to overthink why you were not originally asked, I have forgotten people in the past, I don’t mean to, it’s often me who organises stuff and sometimes I just innocently forget.

I think this is a tricky one. I know not everyone would be as ballsy to do this but you said you thought you all had a good laugh together and were a tight little team so why wouldn’t you just casually say “What’s this? How come no one has told me?” I think what happens next after commenting…then dictates whether it is deliberate or if you’d then be welcomed with open arms into this social event! No one here knows how all the other members of staff are perceiving you. Maybe you are giving off “leave me out of it, leave me alone vibes”. Maybe there’s been a miscommunication and everyone thinks that you are already aware about it and you’ve just chosen not to be involved.

I think personally, it would be more embarrassing to start making bullying accusations and taking it higher without actually acknowledging clearly that you’d like to go or to point out that you’ve never been invited. Let’s say you go to HR about this, it all gets raised as a major issue… what do you want out of it? Because I doubt you’ll want to go out then and I think they all might be a bit reluctant to want you to go especially if you’ve made a mountain out of a molehill when you could have just said “I’d love to come, why didn’t anyone ask me!?” I think you need to take some personal responsibility in making it clear you’d like to go along if you do… if the isolation and exclusion then continues.. then you know you are definitely being singled out and left out. I do think you need to grow a little bit of a backbone and have more confidence before you run off to HR making serious accusations. Be sure first.

They perhaps think you have other commitments being part-time which means they haven't asked you. I'd advise you to ask them to include you next time, perhaps send the same person a message if you can't speak up.

I think you need to speak to the line manager, and say how it’s made you feel. They could at least be tactful about it! It could be a misunderstanding but you would think when the organiser said she was going out for dinner she could of asked if you wanted to join then? Now you have messaged your colleague you can bet they will all know and true colours will start to show

Bar forcong a pity invite or shrugging their shoulders what can hr or the boss actually do this looks like an oversoght in communication on all parts op has given the impression she not intetested and colleagues have prob picked up on that or thought someone else has invited her n she refused u can run to hr at every turn try speaking to colleagues and dont mske mountains out of molehills

I have a couple of nasty women who have tried to bully me out of a group that I organise (because they want to run it). I am lovely to them, smiling and friendly - they really don't know how to handle it. The best revenge is to live well. OP you don't want a pity invite so I would work from home on those days and in the longer term look for a less toxic work place. You sound like a lovely person, these fucking queen bees whould not be allowed so much power.

@LucyD30

Omg that's awful. I can see why you would feel awkward and upset by this.

I don't mean to hurt your feelings further but when they are all sitting there arranging who is giving lifts and going back to which house, why hasn't anyone asked you how you are getting there? It suggests they all know you aren't going, how would they know that unless someone told them your not invited? further point, when you mentioned it to your friend, why didn't she go back to the group and ask why Lucy isn't invite? Unless she did and doesn't want to tell you what was said.

I know you dint like confrontation but when they are all discussing it, that was your opportunity to ask why you weren't invited. They would probably say it was an oversight or some bull but when they are sitting there talking about it and you aren't they would realise they haven't asked you. If I was you I wouldn't go if I did get an invite in the future. I do think you should mention it to your boss and see what she says, maybe just ask her if she's aware everyone invited except for you. Don't let them fob you off with the word oversight though, you need a proper answer.

Please come back and let us know what happens next.

I'd totally ask her where my invite is