To feel so excluded

[LucyD30]

So I work in an office in a team of 7 (at my particular office). The company is quite big - 4 or 5 offices with maybe 150 employees per office. My team are really close. We all get on really well and there is lots of banter. I’ve always felt like an outsider - not sure why - maybe because I’m part-time. I have just never felt like I fitted in. However we all have a laugh and I thought I was liked and quite a valued member of the team.
A few months ago I found out that another member of staff, who is in a different team to me but sits near us, has organised a regular meal out. I think a while ago it was only a few people who went but it has evolved over time. It has now got to the point where everyone in my team is invited except me. On the day when the meal takes place they all talk about it in front of me. The lady who organises it has always been really friendly towards me and I can’t think why I’ve been excluded. This afternoon was so humiliating as I was sat there while they were all talking about who to share lifts with and who was going back to whose house after work etc. I just sat there feeling so embarrassed- I didn’t know where to look. It’s put me in such a weird mood. I really thought I had a good working relationship with these people. We are an open plan office and so I didn’t have the guts to confront all of them. I just don’t know how to approach this.
i messaged my colleague to apologise for being distant and explained that I felt really excluded and embarrassed but she didn’t organise it and was trying to be discreet at least - and I don’t blame her for it. It just makes me dread going in.
should I have a quiet word with the lady who organises this? Or my boss? I shouldn’t feel like I’m choking back the tears every month when they do this but on the other hand I would hate to be invited out of pity.
i really didn’t think something like this would upset me this much!

What did the colleague say when you messaged her?
Could it have just been a oversight? Maybe originally planned on one of the days you weren't there and they've all just assumed someone has spoken to you and you've chosen not to partake?
I can't imagine that they'd all be so insensitive that they purposely wouldn't invite you then discuss in front of you.

That kind of thing happens to me all the time at work. You are best off distancing yourself from it all. Don't get involved.

Can you just say oh that sounds good count me in?
Because it might not be that you aren’t invited, everyone just goes.

If you are told you can’t go for what ever reason you could make a complaint about being bullied. But it might be easier to ask to be moved to another team away from them.
I hope it works out, I worked with a few women who were all close friends and I hated not being part of it. As I got older I chose to have boundaries at work and didn’t socialise with anyone outside work.

It sounds to me like they are all
assuming you’re invited, or that someone else will have invited you. I can’t see them talking so openly about it in front of you if you’ve been purposely excluded. Have you asked anyone?
Has your colleague replied to your text?

this is bullying. Your manager should stop it. I would email HR confidentially and keep the correspondence as Record

This.
Just say "oooh I have that night free now, can I join!?"

When I messaged her she replied saying she was sorry and maybe it’s because I have kids. Our boss also has young kids and is invited (and goes). That isn’t the reason. They know I have a DH who could look after our kids. I’ve worked there 6 years!

It happened a couple of months ago too - definitely not an oversight on their part. I even spoke to the lady who organises it today and commented on how she looked nice and she said she was going out for dinner. Nothing else. I don’t usually overreact to stuff but it was pretty awful today. Just need help with how to approach it as it’s a semi regular thing and I don’t want to feel like this every month or 2 when they go out. Do you think it would be inappropriate to ask if I can work from home on those days that they all go out so I don’t have to sit at my desk feeling humiliated and excluded? I couldn’t concentrate on my actual job as I was so upset and distracted with it

This is so awful for you OP.

A workplace should never let this happen. A couple of exclusive friendships sure - but the whole group but one?! Bullying.

Write to your manager or HR. No workplace should have this kind of toxic exclusions.

Are you 100% sure that you aren't invited? Was everyone else asked to join in or did people start inviting themselves along? Is it possible the rest of the team think you just don't want to go?

If you are definite you are being excluded and deliberately being left out then you need to speak to your boss as it could be seen as office bullying.

I don't think you're overreacting, but I also don't think you should remove yourself from the situation any further by asking to work from home.

Working as a team is important, so with that in mind I would approach the organiser in a way that you feel comfortable (either in person, or by message) and say that you're aware that plans have been made that you weren't invited to, and you just want to make sure that you haven't upset or annoyed her in any way as it's important that we can all get along in the office.

This will hopefully prompt her to explain herself, and then you can go from there.

I would try not to be very upset about it at this point though, people form different bonds with colleagues, it doesn't necessarily mean that they don't like you or think badly of you.

Ok. Your update makes it clear. I don’t blame you for being upset and feeling excluded. Would you have the guts to address it directly? When they’re all talking in front of you, something like “Sorry guys, is there a reason I’m not invited? Have I said something to upset somebody?” I know it’s hard if you strongly dislike confrontation but honestly I would watch them squirm.
I wouldn’t go to HR, the outcome will be one of two things-either everyone stops going, which will make you feel more awkward, or they’ll invite you and you will feel like it’s a pity invite.

I'd feel really hurt, too. Our office of 15 goes out regularly. We all get on, and an email goes out to us all. There are a few separate friendship groups, but everyone is tactful about it. I'd look for another job and when you leave say why! I think I'd be gulping back the tears 😢.

Yes, to asking to working from home on the next day, prior to their evening out.

Maybe another tact, openingly, asking them where they're going, in a bright and breezy way? That should put them on the spot! Sending you a big hug 🫂

It's not bullying if they haven't actually told you that you cant go or have stopped you from going.

Say it to someone.
You want to ask to work from home.. use your energy to ask directly, no point making it more complicated than it needs to be.

Whatever way you go about it, lots of good suggestions here like just saying you suddenly have the night free, you'd love to join. Or asking out right "can I join you, I need a night off?!"

You could also just be truthful and say "I'm feeling a bit left out and would like to come on the next dinner, unless that's a problem?"
And then you'll get your answer or invite directly.

Things will be instantly less complicated, you wont be wondering anymore or trying to rearrange your life because of it. You will know exactly whats happening and can move from there.

You say you've always felt a bit like an outsider. Maybe most of them think you're just not interested in it/them. Either way, you will never know unless you ask.

say that you're aware that plans have been made that you weren't invited to, and you just want to make sure that you haven't upset or annoyed her in any way as it's important that we can all get along in the office.

This will hopefully prompt her to explain herself, and then you can go from there.

This is a really good way to go about it op.

Thanks for the replies.

I have access to most of the team’s emails and calendars for work reasons. My boss and another colleague were off the week before last and an invitation for tonight was sent to both of them - which I only saw as I was told to monitor their inboxes while they were away. When I saw that I brought up the calendar for everyone in my team and they all (aside from me) had ‘private appointment’ blocked out for this Friday night dinner. There is no way it was an oversight!

I don’t really know what I want - I certainly don’t want an invitation out of pity but equally I can’t bear to sit there again while they are all talking about it in front of me. I really don’t have the guts to confront them all - we are an open plan office and other people would witness it - waaaay too much for me to contemplate.

I think I should have a quiet word to my boss about it maybe?!

Big hugs OP, I work with a cliquey bunch where I am on the periphery, and although they’re more tactful about it than your crowd, it can really upset me. It’s a horrible feeling, I think it sends us back to childhood in ways.
But here’s the thing: you work there to earn money to fund the life that you have outside the workplace. It’d be lovely to be included but these people are not your friends at the end of the day. And im
sure some of them are nice, but if none of them has the kindness and sensitivity to either invite you or just not to rub your nose in it, then they’re not really sound people.

hr can't do much about what people do in their own time.

I really don’t have the guts to confront them all - we are an open plan office and other people would witness it - waaaay too much for me to contemplate.

If that is too much for you to deal with then you'll probably just have to deal with those awkward feelings of being left out and wondering why and also rearranging you life.

I think going to your boss before you've even tried directly asking someone/confimed anything, is a bit much.

If they've never been mean or nasty to you before.. theyre not going to suddenly start openly bullying you for asking the question.
They are just people.
Just ask the 'organiser' by themselves. Either over email or in person.

In my office/team there'd be an expectation people would "tag in" or just invite themselves along to anything like this. There'd be zero deliberate exclusion, but someone who sat there every week ignoring the discussion and not saying "i bloody love a burger- what time?" would be assumed to be not interested in joining. Is there a reason you are default assuming you are being excluded?

It's not bullying if they haven't actually told you that you cant go or have stopped you from going.

It is bullying. Deliberately isolating someone is psychological bullying.

The manager is complicit, by not including all the staff. My line manager would never do this to anyone in our team.

You work there to earn money to fund the life that you have outside the workplace. It’d be lovely to be included but these people are not your friends at the end of the day. And im
sure some of them are nice, but if none of them has the kindness and sensitivity to either invite you or just not to rub your nose in it, then they’re not really sound people

hr can't do much about what people do in their own time

Two very valid points op.

I know its uncomfortable for you to ask but it's also extremely uncomfortable for you to live like this wondering what the reason is.
It could be anything but you can end that by asking and seeing what happens.

Adding a manager or HR into it will more than likely just result in both them telling you they cant do anything about it.

HR would be interested in a culture of exclusion, yes.

What the hell does your boss think she's doing? This is outright bullying and exclusion. Don't complain to her. Complain to her boss. Honestly, this is clear cut bullying and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

I don’t understand the posts asking if OP is sure she isn’t invited. She messaged a colleague who said maybe it’s because OP has children? If colleague believed OP to have been invited then they would have said so. It’s unkind of this colleague not to have a quiet word with the others to include OP in future.

Really sorry about this OP. Most of us know what it feels like to be excluded. It’s an awful feeling.

If you’re not wanting to confront everyone is there another person in the group (not the person you asked before) that you get on with that you could ask, and ask them to be honest, why they never invite you?