To feel so excluded

[LucyD30]

So I work in an office in a team of 7 (at my particular office). The company is quite big - 4 or 5 offices with maybe 150 employees per office. My team are really close. We all get on really well and there is lots of banter. I’ve always felt like an outsider - not sure why - maybe because I’m part-time. I have just never felt like I fitted in. However we all have a laugh and I thought I was liked and quite a valued member of the team.
A few months ago I found out that another member of staff, who is in a different team to me but sits near us, has organised a regular meal out. I think a while ago it was only a few people who went but it has evolved over time. It has now got to the point where everyone in my team is invited except me. On the day when the meal takes place they all talk about it in front of me. The lady who organises it has always been really friendly towards me and I can’t think why I’ve been excluded. This afternoon was so humiliating as I was sat there while they were all talking about who to share lifts with and who was going back to whose house after work etc. I just sat there feeling so embarrassed- I didn’t know where to look. It’s put me in such a weird mood. I really thought I had a good working relationship with these people. We are an open plan office and so I didn’t have the guts to confront all of them. I just don’t know how to approach this.
i messaged my colleague to apologise for being distant and explained that I felt really excluded and embarrassed but she didn’t organise it and was trying to be discreet at least - and I don’t blame her for it. It just makes me dread going in.
should I have a quiet word with the lady who organises this? Or my boss? I shouldn’t feel like I’m choking back the tears every month when they do this but on the other hand I would hate to be invited out of pity.
i really didn’t think something like this would upset me this much!

That stinks OP. Being excluded like that is unfair and mean. I'm not really sure what kind of resolution would be satisfactory though. If they started inviting you because you felt excluded, you still wouldn't feel part of it because you'd not feel freely invited. Would they be inclusive if you did attend? The other option is for you to mentally separate work and social connections. You go to do the job, earn the money, and that's it. These people are unfair to exclude you and insensitive to talk about it in front of you. I'm not sure people like that are worth being social with anyway.

I would message the organiser to ask how the dinner was.

After her reply I'd say something like "what's the criteria for getting on the guest list?"

HR would be interested in a culture of exclusion, yes.

But even then, what more could they actually do other than telling them not to talk about it/email about it at work? They cant stop them meeting in their free time surely?

I’ve just had a quick look on Acas website & it looks like this would be considered bullying. As an example they list “excluding someone from team social events.” Even thought it is not the business organising the event, but the employees, it would still count.

So you have very good reason to be upset. I really feel for you. I would try to gather some evidence & report to HR if you don’t feel like you can address it with your manager. Get screenshots of the private diary entries, messages from the colleague you emailed etc & forward them to yourself in case you need them later.

I also wonder if you have a protected characteristic (race, religion etc) as this could also be classed as harassment.

If it was me OP, I wouldn’t bother saying anything because I’d be embarrassed to have to bring that up with them. I’d act unbothered and just keep to myself from here on. I’d consider applying for another job. It’s a really horrible thing to do and I wouldn’t want to work there anymore. I appreciate your approach might be different though, it’s personal

I think sometimes low self esteem is a vicious cycle.

A confident, relaxed person is often fun/good company. Unlikely to actually notice or worry if something is happening without them, but if they do will also cheerfully ask to be included and then will be.

Just ask op.

"Mind if i come along?"

They won't say no. It'll be fun with you there, and they'll think to add you automatically next time.

I really feel for you. I would try to gather some evidence & report to HR if you don’t feel like you can address it with your manager. Get screenshots of the private diary entries, messages from the colleague you emailed etc & forward them to yourself in case you need them later.

Yes I would try to find as much proof or evidence as I could before raising it with anyone.

But op, do try to work up the courage to at least say something, even in a jokey way as suggested above and even just over email/text. Any answer they give will also help make things clearer.

But one of the women has already said that it's because she has children even though her boss has children and is going. I still can't believe that the boss let that happen. It's really appalling.

I would message the organiser to ask how the dinner was. After her reply I'd say something like "what's the criteria for getting on the guest list?"

Yes I'd do something like this too.

But one of the women has already said that it's because she has children even though her boss has children and is going. I still can't believe that the boss let that happen. It's really appalling.

The women said 'Maybe' its because of that? She has no idea. She could be like op and finds it awkward to ask people things and just hasn't asked anyone anything about it..
That is also possible.

Ye
It sounded to me like the person asked wasn't sure and was just chucking an excuse out there as a possibility because they didn't really know

This is bullying (repeated actions and a threat to your emotional health and safety) and they know damn well what they are doing.

Go talk to your boss and if they don't either invite you or tone it down, make a complaint to HR.

I'm in HR (specialising in employee complaints) and I've seen this type of shit or iterations of this shit, over and over. If I received a complaint like this from an employee, I would take action to resolve it one way or another.

I'm in HR (specialising in employee complaints) and I've seen this type of shit or iterations of this shit, over and over. If I received a complaint like this from an employee, I would take action to resolve it one way or another.

Does anyone know what the actions are? Or know of a situation like this and the outcome?

I'm struggling to think what could actually be done, what kind of 'trouble' could they all get in to?
Could they be forced to not speak about a specific thing at work?
Could they be forced to invite someone out in their free time/threatened with disciplinary action for it?
I genuinely have no idea.

These are your colleagues. Not your friends. What would you expect HR to do?
Force them to invite you?
Tell them they can’t see each other in their free time?
Instruct them to not put their evening plans in their work calendars & not discuss their social plans in work time?
Which would be your preferred outcome?

Its thoughtless and weird that the colleague you mentioned it to didn’t tell you to just come along!

However rather than assuming the worst i would actually just say to the organiser next time they’re all talking about it that you’d like to come along! If you don’t know the organiser just say to someone else who is going that you’d like to come, how do you contact the organiser etc.

We had some social type club at work someone set up pre covid and after lockdown everyone is quite scattered so I think it’s very likely that some newcomers aren’t included in the invites.

If everyone was talking about a dinner it would have been nice if someone said what about you coming along, but if they assume you wouldn’t because you have kids (which is stupid) it’s sadly up to you to pipe up and ask.

If they say no then you’ll know it’s a bullying problem and not just a thoughtless / you not putting yourself forward problem!

Presumably HR would speak to OP about what outcome she wants?

OP doesn't want a pity invite. Which would, I assume, mean that HR would inform staff that any work event planned on work time must be open to all and if events weren't open to all then they shouldn't be arranged on work time, using work email and scheduled into work calendars. Don't believe they can enforce not talking about them though! But a reminder also that work place bullying is not acceptable and that deliberately excluding people from events constitutes bullying would likely be sent.

@LucyD30
Please do not involve your boss or the HR. This is not bullying on any level, and your company has no involvement in what your collective work mates do on their free time. This is not grade school and the advice to tell your manager or HR smacks of telling the teacher that Johnny won't be your friend .

If you wish to be included, the adult thing to do would be to speak to the organizer and let her know that the events sound like fun and that you would like your name to be added to the notification list.

Chances are that your name was inadvertently left off of some original list , and it is an oversight that no one noticed.

Sometimes , things happen as a result of simple oversight or error, and there is no malicious intent. However even in the case of innocent oversight, the recommendation that you in effect " tell on the organizer" is a sure way to become a pariah in your office.

that would mean a team social event organised by the employer

Yes it most certainly is bullying!
HTH
https://www.acas.org.uk/bullying-at-work

Untrue, exclusion is bullying.

@Vanillalime Sorry didn't notice you'd posted ACAS too

It doesn't just mean events organised by the employer @jolaylasofia

well it does because acas can't dictate it govern what work colleagues do in their own time.
If a manager has organised it then yes absolutely it's a work place issue. If it's just colleagues organising it themselves and it's taking place outside of work hours then it's nobodies business in all honesty.

@jolaylasofia I've worked for 2 of the biggest unions in the UK and I've seen countless employees (rightly) dragged over the coals for this kind of behaviour.

So much poor advice on this thread. Exclusion is one of the most common forms of workplace bullying, and what's happening to OP is happening IN her office right under her nose, and it's impacting her mental health while she's trying to work.

A lot of poor advice on this thread.

@LucyD30

The real question is do you wish to be included in the event, or do you wish to create drama in your workplace?

The mature thing to do is to speak directly to the organizer and ask to be included. The most likely explanation is that you were inadvertently left off of the notification list and that anyone missing you probably assumes that for whatever reason, you have chosen not to come.

It’s a really horrible thing they are doing. The thing you need to ask yourself is what outcome do you want from saying something? It might be an oversight, but if they are doing it deliberately it might make it worse. If they invite you because you have said something would you feel comfortable going?
It must be a horrible situation for you. In your shoes I would get on with my work, try and block it out and don’t view them as more than work colleagues who you are thrown together with. I think I would then look for another job because I would hate working with people who behave that way.