To feel so excluded

[LucyD30]

So I work in an office in a team of 7 (at my particular office). The company is quite big - 4 or 5 offices with maybe 150 employees per office. My team are really close. We all get on really well and there is lots of banter. I’ve always felt like an outsider - not sure why - maybe because I’m part-time. I have just never felt like I fitted in. However we all have a laugh and I thought I was liked and quite a valued member of the team.
A few months ago I found out that another member of staff, who is in a different team to me but sits near us, has organised a regular meal out. I think a while ago it was only a few people who went but it has evolved over time. It has now got to the point where everyone in my team is invited except me. On the day when the meal takes place they all talk about it in front of me. The lady who organises it has always been really friendly towards me and I can’t think why I’ve been excluded. This afternoon was so humiliating as I was sat there while they were all talking about who to share lifts with and who was going back to whose house after work etc. I just sat there feeling so embarrassed- I didn’t know where to look. It’s put me in such a weird mood. I really thought I had a good working relationship with these people. We are an open plan office and so I didn’t have the guts to confront all of them. I just don’t know how to approach this.
i messaged my colleague to apologise for being distant and explained that I felt really excluded and embarrassed but she didn’t organise it and was trying to be discreet at least - and I don’t blame her for it. It just makes me dread going in.
should I have a quiet word with the lady who organises this? Or my boss? I shouldn’t feel like I’m choking back the tears every month when they do this but on the other hand I would hate to be invited out of pity.
i really didn’t think something like this would upset me this much!

I would have a meeting with your boss and ask what’s with this meal and you feel they are fostering a culture of exclusion with in the workplace.

To be honest I faced something similar but different, as it was a grade of staff that had a breakfast in work one morning a week and I was the only person of a different grade working in the same area and was never asked to join them…and I did nothing just fumed quietly every week when it took place! It was horrible walking past a big group having breakfast and feeling excluded when the rest of the time we were supposed to be a ‘team’. There are now more of my grade in the area and we just roll our eyes.

I really feel for you and these people know exactly what they are doing excluding you. Not one of them has included you in any conversation at all regarding these regular dinners? Whether it’s classed as workplace bullying or not, it’s still exclusion of one person for no reason and comes under bullying whether they intended to or not.

Years ago I was bullied at work by all the women in quite a small office of about 30 people, roughly half of whom were women. They would do this sort of thing all the time and exclude me. One day they arranged a lunch at a local restaurant just amongst the women as a goodbye for one who was just going on holiday for a month (not leaving the company), and on the way out the door the main bully was the last to leave and she shouted across the office at me “you can come if you want” and then let the door slam straight after her. Only men were left in the office and no one said a thing, including my manage who also had bully tendencies. Most of the company was made redundant a short time later and the main bully went to work for a company that a good friend worked for where, according to her, bullying was rife. I always wondered if the main bully ever found herself on the receiving end of bullying there and if so, how she felt.

I doubt anyone's made a conscious effort to exclude you. It could be an oversight, or maybe over time people have incorrectly concluded 'Oh Lucy never comes out. She doesn't really enjoy socialising'.
Why don't you just join in the conversation next time and say something along the lines of 'Oh that sounds delicious. I've never tried/I love X. Think I'll come along to the next one. What night is it?"
There's a difference between deliberately excluding someone and someone not joining in. If it's an open conversation in the office just join in. That's what people usually do if the topic is of interest to them.

Yes, this x1000!

You had that one co-worker who said it might be about who has kids--she's clearly wrong, so ignore her!

It's a little passive-aggressive to sit there fighting back tears and waiting for one of them to hand you an engraved invitation. Very often these things spring up organically and people tag in. Tell them it sounds like fun and you want to go!

I had someone like this at work once, someone in another dept suggested drinks on Thurs night, word got around. As I was leaving I mentioned to my colleague, "You coming?" and she did the whole offended, "I wasn't invited" routine and it's like, "Well neither was I? I'm just sort of joining?"

Having read the thread, I can see that any responder who works in HR has said it’s definitely workplace bullying.
Long term, I’d look for another job. Short term, I wouldn’t ignore it. Keep a record of what been happening and use it if necessary.

This, exactly.

I might have a word with the organiser to explain how it has made me feel but I certainly don’t want a pity invitation and I’ll let her know that.

You’re already diminishing yourself in advance of the conversation. Don’t say you don’t want a pity invite, she will just cherry pick and tell others you don’t want an invite.

There is no shame in calling out exclusionary behaviour. This is on them, not you. Hold them to account.

This. Anyway it isn’t all on the organiser. I find it strange that not one of your colleagues have ever asked you directly why you aren’t coming out.

It clearly is deliberate. They have arranged it as a ‘private’ event in everyone’s diary except OP’s and when Op asked, the organiser just said I’m going out to dinner., not that it was a dinner where everyone else was invited.

Absolutely this.

I can see why you feel upset about this. Not ruling out that it was an oversight/misunderstanding that has continued but you would think one of them might have asked at some point if you were coming along.
I think @LucyD30 I would do what you suggest - have a quiet word with the boss. Just make it balanced - you feel excluded but you are also wondering if there is an issue you are not aware of that has led to this because you would like to resolve it. Hope all goes well

Well since they'd all been talking about the dinner it was hardly secret, was it? And when the colleague said, "Thanks, I'm going out to dinner!" It was probably the same dinner they'd all been discussing?

The more you talk about OP the more it sounds like you're imputing all these cloak-and-dagger intentions on a group of people who are being thoughtless at worst. Do you want to go? Tell them, "Sounds like fun! I'm free so I'll come along too!"

That would upset me too - no-one likes being left out and to do it blatantly in front of you is awful. Can you speak to the organiser - are you friendly enough to say ‘can I come next time?’, are you all similar ages, are you senior to them? Just thinking of some reasons why they may not have asked you.

It it was just two colleagues who had become friends going for a regular dinner or a coffee then I don't think it would be an issue, but as it is clearly developed in to a wider work social event involving most members of your team they should invite you.

A similar situation grew up in my workplace. Our office was open all through lockdown for those who wanted or needed to use an office (we work in a key industry). As restrictions eased a group of us "office regulars" started going out for a drink or lunch now and then.

HOWEVER as more people started to come back to the office it did not occur to us to keep it exclusive. What we did was create a Teams chat group and an all staff email was sent out saying anyone interested socialising was welcome to join the group. Now it is a convention that all chat about drinks/socialising etc.. is put on there.

It is now part of the briefing for all new staff in our department.

We also have a "social committee" for more corporately supported socialising.

Bullshit.

But for nobody in the whole team to query why @LucyD30 doesn’t come/isn’t invited every month is not normal.

So sorry you feel upset by this - it’s unkind of them and wouldn’t be the norm is many companies. It’s different than a small clique group of the team going out on a regular thing..,,it’s the whole team without exception.

The only non-intentional reason I can think it might be is if in the past you’ve mentioned to someone about how you don’t go out much and love to stay home and watch a movie etc? And they’ve taken that as never want to go out and they told the group. That however is I think, unlikely.

I think if it was me, I’d ask/email the organiser and say ‘is there a specific reason I’ve not been invited to monthly nights out?’.
If they reply saying no sorry we didn’t realise, then just say ‘oh I’d love to come next time - count me in’ type thing.

The sensible thing to have done would have been to say something in the moment, if your not comfortable addressing it head on you could have approached it in a jokey way ‘I never get invited do yous not like me haha’.

If you’re such a good friend with one of the invitees surely you can have a frank conversation with her about how you feel? And she can either reassure you it’s been an oversight and tell you to come along or confirm that there is an issue.

Just because one woman arranged it months ago it’s not her responsibility to police the guest list, you say it’s grown and evolved therefore your ‘friend’ is just as much to blame.

Are you seriously saying that it hasn’t occurred to them ask the one person sat right near them if they want to come?

Or that it truly hasn’t occurred to them that chuntering on and about an outing near someone you haven’t asked to come is downright cruel?

I’ve had the ‘oversight’ excuse at my work. Funnily enough they manage to notice me enough to look me up on social media and comment on my home and personal life, but not enough to include me in outings.

I don’t believe this kind of explanation. It sounds deliberate exclusion to me. I never ever underestimate how petty and mean women can be after how I have been treated at work.

Since you don't want to go to HR and complain about bullying via exclusion, which this is, can you ask to be transferred to another work group?

I'm sorry they're treating you this way, OP. That's pretty rotten. Good people don't behave like that. They're not good people.

your boss is completely in the wrong here - she/he knows you are excluded. They should act.

in your shoes I would speak to the boss - explain you have been hurt by the very obvious exclusion and want to understand why this has been allowed to happen.

I wouldn’t go now because it will just be even more awkward but it needs to be called out. Toxic workplaces are hell / this boss need to nip this sort of thing in the bud.

No one in HR can say for certain that this is workplace bullying based on the information given, it has a whiff of it at this stage for sure, but in the absence of any further 'investigating' (either formally or by op trying to address it first) no one can say.

I don't think its helpful to convince op this is bullying at this point.

Sounds like hell to me . No way would I want colleagues on my house nosing around and then talking about it . As for the meal all they will do is bitch about work . Stay out of it OP

I’d just say “hey, can I come to the next one” when you are on your dog walk next time. It might be a pity invite from her, but it won’t be from the others, who probably have no idea that you aren’t invited, who think that you just aren’t interested as you don’t include yourself in the conversations about it at work.

I suspect it evolved from just a few, then others added themselves in and then once people have been once they automatically get included again.

But she also didn’t feel comfortable saying “just come along next time, it’ll be fine” which does suggest there is some conscious excluding going on.

When you take your dogs out, I would just ask casually that you know they go out to dinner and just wanted to check that you hadn't done anything to offend them? See what she says. Then you're only speaking to one person and not the whole office.