To feel so excluded

[LucyD30]

So I work in an office in a team of 7 (at my particular office). The company is quite big - 4 or 5 offices with maybe 150 employees per office. My team are really close. We all get on really well and there is lots of banter. I’ve always felt like an outsider - not sure why - maybe because I’m part-time. I have just never felt like I fitted in. However we all have a laugh and I thought I was liked and quite a valued member of the team.
A few months ago I found out that another member of staff, who is in a different team to me but sits near us, has organised a regular meal out. I think a while ago it was only a few people who went but it has evolved over time. It has now got to the point where everyone in my team is invited except me. On the day when the meal takes place they all talk about it in front of me. The lady who organises it has always been really friendly towards me and I can’t think why I’ve been excluded. This afternoon was so humiliating as I was sat there while they were all talking about who to share lifts with and who was going back to whose house after work etc. I just sat there feeling so embarrassed- I didn’t know where to look. It’s put me in such a weird mood. I really thought I had a good working relationship with these people. We are an open plan office and so I didn’t have the guts to confront all of them. I just don’t know how to approach this.
i messaged my colleague to apologise for being distant and explained that I felt really excluded and embarrassed but she didn’t organise it and was trying to be discreet at least - and I don’t blame her for it. It just makes me dread going in.
should I have a quiet word with the lady who organises this? Or my boss? I shouldn’t feel like I’m choking back the tears every month when they do this but on the other hand I would hate to be invited out of pity.
i really didn’t think something like this would upset me this much!

don't care what union you work for- still can't dictate what people do in their own time. At most can stop them from using work emails to plan and invite.

The fact the social event was organised by work colleagues, using work computers, during work time & discussed openly in front of OP means it can be sufficiently linked to the business. It doesn’t matter that the event took place in personal time.

The OP is losing out on this chance to bond with her team which can be detrimental.

@Vanillalime well that's the crux of the matter really. The only thing that HR or manager can do is stop any emails or planning during work time.

You can't force people to socialise with or bond with colleagues after work if they don't want to

I've worked for 2 of the biggest unions in the UK and I've seen countless employees (rightly) dragged over the coals for this kind of behaviour.

But what did that actually entail?
What happened to them?

I agree they can be told to stop using company emails for their social lives but what does the employer actually do to stop people speaking about plans and going out together?

Do they somehow force them to invite the person? Do they get a written warning if they are caught speaking about plans etc?

If this were about what the colleagues ‘did in their own time’, there’d be no issue.

It’s about what they’re doing in work time - going on about something the OP isn’t included in.

It is absolutely the sort of thing that’s not OK or appropriate in an office place.

When I get together with colleagues, we manage to do it perfectly well without banging on and on about it to everyone in front of people that aren’t included. This is normal.

It’s not hard to be discreet?

Not everyone is going to like you on a personal level, and while your colleagues may be polite and friendly (as they should within the office), they’re not obligated to spend time with you outside of work. While it’s hurtful not to be invited, perhaps you’re not their cup of tea and that’s ok - I’m sure you have close friends outside of work!

@LucyD30 Wow, I agree, that's really hurtful.
I absolutely understand how you feel, as have had it happen to me several times in ''Groups''- where they arranged something without inviting me.

I think in my case I wasn't 'conventional', never really liked pubs or whatever- very upsetting though. I have never been one for groups, always got on better with individuals.
Maybe you are the same?

@CrazyArmadilloLady but again how does an employer enforce being discreet on staff? Just totally not going to fly and the team of people will just be annoyed with OP for putting a downer on everything.

I personally never socialise with colleagues, I would just let them get in with it, do my job and ignore them.
Like many have said they are not friends it's just work.

Do people really just ask for invites or invite themselves along to things organised by other people? Is that not being a CF?

Cliques are the worst. These colleagues don't even have the awareness to realise how rude they are being by discussing this in front of the one person not invited. I don't think you should say anything to your boss though because if she does pull them up on it, it is just going to make your work environment even more uncomfortable. But I don't know what else to suggest. A pity invite doesn't sound like much fun either. Sorry, OP. They suck.

OP, I'm sorry your work is putting you through this.
Toxic workplaces are so draining.

Ultimately you have 3 options

1. Ignore it and avoid your colleagues and carry on with work/find a new job/ask to move offices.

1. Message or talk to the organisers to find out what the issue is, and why you're the only one excluded.

1. Go to HR and log a complaint about workplace bullying. Your situation meets the criteria, and HR would do something. Not because they care about you. But because their role is to protect the company, and uphold it's ethics and its values. Workplace bullying reflects incredibly badly on a company.

All 3 options are totally viable choices. But they all have their pros and cons. It very much depends on what you want the outcome of all of this to be.

For what it's worth, my last workplace was incredibly toxic with rampant favouritism and preferential treatment. I was the only none white person and there was a lot of racism and ignorance as well. Management were a significant part of the issue.
It was a small working environment, in a small town with a very involved community. I chose to leave because taking my complaint above my manager would have been a social disaster

A few months ago I found out that another member of staff, who is in a different team to me but sits near us, has organised a regular meal out. I think a while ago it was only a few people who went but it has evolved over time. It has now got to the point where everyone in my team is invited except me.

OP, I'm sorry you are so affected by this.

It sounds, from your account, more like a situation that evolved, rather than a deliberate exclusion - a person outside the team started it, it was only a few people initially, big over time it's grown to include everyone.

This is thoughtless but unlikely intentional. Yes, you'd expect someone to pay more attention, and ensure you were included.

The key question is: what do you want to happen? If you want to go, you should say so, via the organiser or your boss.

It isn't great behaviour from them; but it's also perplexing that you are so lacking in assertiveness you have sat there saying nothing while they discuss an event! And your only suggestion is to ask to wfh on these days to avoid the discussion.

Gently, I expect your own lack of self-esteem has put you on the periphery. It's time to speak up, and if the response is ti continue to exclude you, that's a diff effect conversation with your boss.

Sorry to hear you're experiencing this, and when I was younger this would really have bothered me. But then when I was younger I generally worked for places with kind and inclusive colleagues. Then just before and during the pandemic I worked from home and on my own and adored it.

I currently work in an institution (the word organisation is much too kind for this lot) that is toxic in the extreme and now spend quite a lot of my time trying to get out of enforced HR "fun" (we're presently part of that ghastly department, at least it's ghastly where I am, they're all a huge part of the problem but like to think they're all right on and oh so inclusive when they all smack of extreme white middle class privilege). Where I work right now there's a hard drinking laddish culture and if you don't fit that you're pretty much outside their little clique. (Doesn't help, probably, that I'm from a different part of the country - anyone who thinks Norfolk or the West Country is clannish and unwelcoming to incomers wants to try living in a former North West Mill town for a bit....)

I'm white but don't drink much, I and one of my Asian colleagues always do our best to get out of extracurricular drinking focused events (oh, that would be all of them) but it does mean we're then outside the main group in our part of the workplace.

I'm now seriously job hunting as I'm not a good fit for the organisational culture where I am. Although numerous investigations are going on into the behaviour and conduct of various senior favourites, I have no faith at all in the people or institutions running them. It's just a tickbox exercise and those whose faces fit will always fit. The workplace in general has become so much more toxic since COVID, it seems. There's some good advice in this thread, for me personally, separating my work life from home has really helped.

OP, your work colleagues aren't obligated to be friends with you. Your emotional reaction is your own problem, you really need to get over it and focus on your non-work social life.

While you sit there do you ever feel like asking whether you, too, are invited?
If they say no you could ask why.
If yes, they might just have over looked you.
Be prepared for the answer to be either yes or no.

Be prepared to speak to boss if the answer is a nasty no.

I think the lady who organises it’s comment is the most telling because she would know you are not invited / or if it was an accident she would have identified this rather than explain to you she was dressed for a dinner with querying if you were joining. I think everyone else including boss will assume you have been invited.
I would go through a list of things as to what she has against you and absolutely bring this up with hr or boss as she is excluding you from team. This is like high school stuff! Don’t let her get away with it.

You say you are partime - do you finish earlier than the rest on the day of these dinners?

Oh, god, how can people be so timid?? @LucyD30, it's absolutely crazy to be thinking of changing your work pattern or raising a complaint before trying the most obvious route to sort this out yourself! These actions will guarantee you're mistrusted and kept at arm's length - not the desired outcome for someone who wants to feel more included by the team.

You've made a bunch of unhappy assumptions: that the event is invite only; that you're being deliberately excluded; that the colleague you asked was lying. To me, you sound like an incredibly passive person who sits and waits for things to be handed to her, then gets disgruntled when they aren't. I don't imagine you see yourself this way but I promise you a happier life if you'll take a bit more responsibility for what occurs in it.

@ChesterAndRaoul gave you the perfect script: "say that you're aware that plans have been made that you weren't invited to, and you just want to make sure that you haven't upset or annoyed her in any way as it's important that we can all get along in the office." And, of course, that you'd like to come along on the next night out.

If you go to the next one and they pointedly ignore you all night, then you have an issue that probably merits more drastic action. But please don't assume - be friendly & join in!

I would put in a grievance with HR actually. Your boss is going. No point talking to them about it. It’s the definition of bullying - frequent visible exclusion, talking about it in front of you, it’s in their calendars which you monitor, you ask and get a bullshit reason (the having kids one).
id Also start job hunting, and call in sick on dinner days. You deserve to be paid for having to work there, and your mental health matters too. Do something that makes you happy on the day of the dinner.

As rude as this type of “ cliquey” behaviour is I’m not sure what positive outcome is going to be achieved by the OP if they take this matter to HR, Employment tribunal etc. It maybe worth mentioning how she feels about it to her manager but I think this is about it . Its not acceptable that this is openly discussed and organised during work hours but I’m not sure it’s a positive outcome for OP if she takes this to HR either.

What an unkind response.
The OPs emotions are the problem of her colleagues when their actions are intentional and/or thoughtless. Particularly in a work place, it’s not acceptable to leave one person out. To talk about it excitedly is just rubbing salt in the wound.

Next time they start talking about it just casually ask where they are going and see what they say from there. It could just be an oversight and they thought you were not interested but you should hopefully gauge from their response whether this is the case. If they do invite you from this, it might feel like they have only done so from pity to you but don't see it like that and just embrace it and join in. It won't feel like that for long. If their response is cagey then you know you should probably escalate with your boss.

Exactly- its bullying. If they had a personal whatsapp group and were arranging this privately outside of work then fine, but thats not what is happening here- they are distributing invites AT WORK using work emails. So this IS exclusion and ostracising.

OP I would have a private word with the organiser along the lines of what has been suggested

I thought OP was talking about a workplace, not a primary school!!!

Honestly, they are adults, surely they can sort it out themselves, and a regular meal out has nothing to do with a workplace.

If you want to join them OP then just ask if you can.

It’s awful and they are all aware now that you are being singled out, especially if you said it to that other woman who said ‘maybe it’s because you have kids’ (!!!)

I wouldn’t want to have dinner with these people. They are horrible to exclude you like that. Who knows what other mean things they think are ok.

I know it’s hard but keep your head up and don’t let it get to you. My dad used to say ‘some people won’t like you, but they are the wrong type of people’