To be upset she changed her mind?

[Primgo]

I'm really confused over if I'm being completely unreasonable to be upset about this.

I basically got into quite bad financial trouble because I owned my own business for many years but got seriously ill and went out of business while I was ill.

I ended up unable to pay rent etc so I have been staying with people for about a year.

All this was very hard to cope with. I'd always done well and losing everything while being so ill was hard and I still feel completely depressed all the time.

To cut a very long story short, my sister (very happily) agreed to help me out by being a guarantaur on a loan to help me sort out the various problems.

Not a huge loan by her standards as she's very wealthy.

On the day due to sign the papers, she changed her mind.

I'd arranged everything around the understanding she was doing this and now I'm completely screwed and whatever problems I had before are now 10 x worse.

I wish she'd just said no to begin with rather than waiting until the day to do it.

She wasn't apologetic, she was sort of mean about it. Judgemental. And I just feel incredibly let down.

Am I being unreasonable here? I know nobody owes you to guarantee a loan, but I just feel absolutely bereft and panicked.

No way would i be a guarantor for a loan so i can see why your sister is wary.
Have you thought of claiming UC and PIP instead.

She was delighted to be one and let me tell the people they'd be being paid and waited until the last minute 😢 I just think she shouldn't have said yes and put me in a worse position

YNBU to be disappointed. It sounds like a very difficult situation.

I don’t know why your sister changed her mind. Perhaps she had good reasons for it, perhaps not. But it sounds like she didn’t manage your expectations well. If she was short with you it’s probably because she has conflicted feelings about changing her mind and likely feels guilty.

I hope you manage to find support elsewhere or another solution to get back on your feet. And all the best with your recovery.

Your sister sounds awful. That's a really cruel thing to do, I hope you get yourself sorted OP.

What a dreadful thing to do. While she is perfectly at liberty to change her mind, to leave it until the last minute after you had already told people you would be repaying them is really mean.
You will need to find an alternative way to deal with your financial issues, which I am sure you can do, but I would certainly be stepping back from your sister, at least for the time being. I think she has let you down badly.
I wish you luck.

Of course yanbu.

i hope you are able to find an alternative way forward without relying on your sister. You sound a resourceful person having survived the last few years. As one door closes, another one often opens.

if she changes her mind again - run. From what you’ve said she’d enjoy the hold over you.

Not enough info.

How long was it between her agreeing initially and the day the papers were due to be signed?

You say she agreed, which implies it was your idea and/or you asked her directly? Or did she suggest it to help you out?

If it was your idea, how and when you asked her could have put her in a position where she felt pressured to agree in the moment but then at a later time get the courage to say she didn't really want to. You say she happily agreed so I guess this wasn't the case but I don't know what your relationship is like or what kinda of personalities you both have.

I don't think your being unreasonable to be annoyed or upset she changed her mind but depending on a bunch of other stuff, how you respond to her decision could render you as the unreasonable one. Likewise, if she really was happy to do it and wasn't pressured into saying so, she was pretty unreasonable to change her mind (although perfectly within her right to do so) on the day you were signing the papers.

She didn't really give much of a reason. More a very judgey speech. I know this sounds like a wanker thing to say but I know for a fact the entire loan is less than a bonus she got at work last month. She's got 5x the amount sitting in her bank, and if the boot were on the other foot I'd give her the shirt off my back. I'd just lend her the cash myself. Maybe that's an awful thing to say but I wouldn't think twice.

Even if I died or something and couldn't pay it back, the monthly repayment is pittance to her. It really is. So it just feels like all she had to do was sign a paper. It won't affect her credit rating. It won't affect her at all. And I'm really struggling with what I'm going to do now.

At least you know the truth now, OP.

Use this as more motivation to getting yourself back on track.

And if she ever needs help, you know what to say!

You can use all these multipliers but how much was it actually for.
£1k? £5k? 10k?

I think its a bit naff she left it until the last minute but honeslty she prob felt pressured and then couldnt go through with it at the last minute. She most likely did the right thing.

It sounds like a weird lower play from her if you were my sister I'd lend you the money I wouldn't let you take out a bank loan x

Power * not lower

I would lend my sister the money. It’s not very kind of her op.

It's a long story but she agreed about three months ago and we've discussed it several times since. She never gave any indication of any kind that she had a problem. Right up until the minute I emailed her the contact she was saying no problem. I never dreamed in a million years she'd let me down.

Accidentally posted too soon.

Money saving expert and similar always say ypu should never bail out or act as guarantors.

I am a bit of a hypocrite though because while i wouldnt bail out my sibling id prob give them up to about £10k if they needed help to get back on their feet. However we have good savings and are very close to them

It's £6500.

A lot of money I know, but considerably less than her monthly salary.

Given your updates I'll confirm you're not being unreasonable and that was a shitty thing to do on her part. I'm not sure what else you can do or what I can suggest to help your situation though I'm afraid.

Speak to citizens advice and they can make sure your getting any benefits you might be entitled to until you get back on your feet. Also there are lots of debt advice services and they can point you in the direction of legitimate ones. Your local solicitors may also do free walk in advice sessions if you need anything like that.

Good luck, there is always a way out of everything and things will get better.

Thanks so much. The debts I promised to repay aren't ones you can do a deal on.

One is a loan from a friend who helped out when I was sick and who needs it back now because she has a house purchase coming up.

The other is a deposit for my daughters university accommodation for next term.

So it is basically lump sums I need to pay people that will cause major problems for others if I have to go back to them now and tell them.

If she'd not said yes I'd have had time to find other solutions and I just feel so anxious now.

My sister is texting me saying I'm being manipulative by making her feel guilty. All I said was that she should not have waited until today to change her mind.

She says it would be putting her in a precarious position. But if she felt that, why not say earlier? At least then i could have done something

She definitely should not have left it till the last minute. That was pretty shit. I can understand her changing her mind though. Borrowing from one person to pay back someone else you borrowed from is never a good idea.
Are you still homeless and how did you propose to pay her back?

You sound a very lovely lady and shit like this can happen to anyone, I think if she's comfortably off and knows your situation she should just have offered you it. I'm sorry she acted like this.

I don't know, you're having to borrow more to pay back other people you've borrowed from and can't pay back. I understand you're desperate but that doesn't mean she owes you this favour. The way you talk about her wealth makes it sound like you think it's nothing to her and she should just give it to you. It's all very well for you to say you'd give her the shirt off your back etc, but you're in no position to do so and she doesn't need it so it's an easy thing to say hypothetically with no risk of it coming to pass. It was wrong of her to not say sooner but maybe it was only the reality of going through with it that made her change her mind.

Siblings often have complicated relationships and she may simply have not wanted to sully your relationship with loans. You're upset with her now, but sure she'd be seriously upset with you if you defaulted on the loan. You're already talking like it's no big deal to her so she couldn't be sure you'd make good on it if you decided she could afford to cover the cost so easily herself. Quite apart from the money, it's aggro she doesn't need, as it's already proving with this fall out.

People who are well off often tend to be that way by holding onto their money. Just because they earn a lot, doesn't mean they don't value it.

No I'm not still homeless. The annoying context to this was that when I started back at work a few months ago, I told her I couldn't afford to get a roof over my head until I'd paid these two things. She said to go ahead and get a place so my daughter had a home to come back to during university holiday. She said not to worry and she'd help me out with guaranteeing a loan so that way we could have a home again AND pay these things.

So I paid a deposit, moved in at considerable upfront cost on the basis of this plan. Again, something I could have decided differently if I'd had the opportunity. I don't mind sacrificing or whatever, I just wanted to get this all sorted so everyone else was okay.

So I needed a home for my daughter more than myself, but also I haven't been able to sort much with debtors because I didn't have an address! I didn't feel able to use someone else's address for debtors in case I impacted them.

I could easily afford the monthly repayments on the loan, that wouldn't be an issue. Just because I was not working for two years and have and credit from many defaults during my illness I can't get a loan by myself.

I wasn't expecting to be ill. I made no plan for iit.i wasn't able to communicate with debtors. I'm a single pparent. I barely managed. I had lots of savings but they paid the rent for and bills and after a year they were gone.

I am trying to get back on my feet.

I agree she doesn't owe me the favour. I just wish she'd not spent three months acting completely fine with it because I could have had opportunity to organise something else.

I admit, I do feel a but like she should just loan it to me because I know it's not very much money to her and I'd lend it to her in a heartbeat as we're very close.

I feel guilty for saying that though. Hence the AIBU. I realise my problems aren't anyone else's. I just think it's really crap to offer to help somebody with something so serious if you're going to let them down.

Perhaps things have changed for her too, or maybe being a guarantor will have an impact on something that she wants to do.

So sorry you’re going through this. You found lovely OP.

What are your other options? Can your daughter get a loan in her own name and you pay it back?