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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset she changed her mind?

282 replies

Primgo · 28/07/2023 21:53

I'm really confused over if I'm being completely unreasonable to be upset about this.

I basically got into quite bad financial trouble because I owned my own business for many years but got seriously ill and went out of business while I was ill.

I ended up unable to pay rent etc so I have been staying with people for about a year.

All this was very hard to cope with. I'd always done well and losing everything while being so ill was hard and I still feel completely depressed all the time.

To cut a very long story short, my sister (very happily) agreed to help me out by being a guarantaur on a loan to help me sort out the various problems.

Not a huge loan by her standards as she's very wealthy.

On the day due to sign the papers, she changed her mind.

I'd arranged everything around the understanding she was doing this and now I'm completely screwed and whatever problems I had before are now 10 x worse.

I wish she'd just said no to begin with rather than waiting until the day to do it.

She wasn't apologetic, she was sort of mean about it. Judgemental. And I just feel incredibly let down.

Am I being unreasonable here? I know nobody owes you to guarantee a loan, but I just feel absolutely bereft and panicked.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 29/07/2023 00:27

She sounds cruel and spiteful. She has shown her true colours and if I were you, I would back away from her now.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 29/07/2023 00:38

"She says it would put her in a precarious position"....

Sounds to me like something had changed for her in her life and acting as guarantor would make things hard for her. Perhaps she's not as well off as you think? Perhaps she's got her own debts to pay off and she is embarrassed, backing out at the last minute to hide it? Perhaps she's just been fired and doesn't want to say yet?

You sound pretty judgey about her financed tbh

Original poster
Primgo · 29/07/2023 00:51

@TangledbabyI'm afraid not, she'd need a guarantaur too. I just have to find another guarantaur but I really can't think of anybody.

There isn't really anything I can do. I guess face the music on Monday. I just feel ill.

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 29/07/2023 00:52

Honestly… this sounds a bit of a pattern for you OP. Why are you making arrangements on things that haven’t happened yet? Exactly how many people do you owe?

You’ve paid all of the deposits and have moved in? Now focus on staying current in your rental agreement and work on paying your debts.

If you’ve moved in already then she wasn’t acting as a guarantee otherwise you wouldn’t have moved in. Or am I missing something. This really does sound like a shell game with debt.

Parvolax · 29/07/2023 00:57

£6.5k is a lot of money for a monthly wage. I think you may have over estimated your sisters income and not take tax etc in to account

yogasaurus · 29/07/2023 00:57

Guarantor loans are very risky, and not provided by any of the mainstream lenders. The APR’s are high, and in all honesty, it’s all risk and no return for the guarantor. Any financial advisor would advise against them.

Finding out last minute is very difficult, but I can see why she wouldn’t want to sign.

You say you need to find another guarantor, it does sound a bit like you don’t see how much of a big ask this is.

I’m sorry for the position you are in.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 29/07/2023 00:57

saltinesandcoffeecups · 29/07/2023 00:52

Honestly… this sounds a bit of a pattern for you OP. Why are you making arrangements on things that haven’t happened yet? Exactly how many people do you owe?

You’ve paid all of the deposits and have moved in? Now focus on staying current in your rental agreement and work on paying your debts.

If you’ve moved in already then she wasn’t acting as a guarantee otherwise you wouldn’t have moved in. Or am I missing something. This really does sound like a shell game with debt.

Ok reread a third time, the guarantee was was for a personal loan and not for the place to live.

I don’t think that changes my answer to be honest. You don’t get out of debt by borrowing money.

Original poster
Primgo · 29/07/2023 01:03

@Parvolax she earns £220k

I do realise it's a crap situation. I don't have a pattern of almost dying, losing my job, home and savings and having to borrow money from a friend to keep my kid at university. What a weird take.

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 29/07/2023 01:09

Primgo · 29/07/2023 01:03

@Parvolax she earns £220k

I do realise it's a crap situation. I don't have a pattern of almost dying, losing my job, home and savings and having to borrow money from a friend to keep my kid at university. What a weird take.

I think that second bit was aimed at me.

How many people do you currently owe?

Gymnopedie · 29/07/2023 01:19

I admit, I do feel a but like she should just loan it to me because I know it's not very much money to her and I'd lend it to her in a heartbeat as we're very close.

I think this tells you you're not as close as you thought you were. Does she generally quite like it that you're not as well off as her, does she think she's superior? And has she ever done anything like this before? Apart from anything else I would never let my sister, if she were in the same position, have to sofa surf.

Original poster
Primgo · 29/07/2023 01:44

I honestly don't know. I don't want to drag my sister. I just felt bereft and desperate after today's events and just wanted someone to tell me I was entitled to feel upset because they way this was put to me today wasn't "I'm really sorry, I've changed my mind". It was more like it was twisted around to making me feel guilty for asking in the first place.

No I don't think she likes it that I'm not as well off as her. I'm sure she'd love me to be well off.

Yes I think she thinks she's superior, which I've never minded. I had a successful company in it's own right and a beautiful daughter and if things hasn't happened as they did I wouldn't be in this position.

I don't think anyone grasps how hard it's been. I feel like people think they could have done a better job and they probably could have. I didn't cope well.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 29/07/2023 02:01

Primgo · 28/07/2023 22:25

It's £6500.

A lot of money I know, but considerably less than her monthly salary.

That is not your right to day, sure it would have been better if she said sooner but it it ridiculous to try and justify it with the 'I have decided she can afford it'

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 29/07/2023 02:08

That’s horrible. Your sister has put your friend and daughter in difficult situations. The only thing you can do it tell both of them what happened. I would pick one and put every cent you can into paying it off. Can your daughter make alternative plans for accommodation?

HoppingPavlova · 29/07/2023 03:35

Did you say your sister was agreeable until you sent her a copy of the contract, or do I have that wrong? If that is the case, maybe there were terms in the contract she had not anticipated and are not suitable?

DcatAnnie · 29/07/2023 03:57

I can’t imagine changing my mind at the last minute or not helping my sister if I was at all able to and I would be more than willing to loan her the money myself not just be a guarantor. Personally I don’t think I could get over this and see her in the same way again.

Could you ask the CAB if there are any charities or organisations that might be able to help you secure a loan?

Sorry this has happened to you OP, you really have had a string of unfortunate events and I hope you can get yourself back on your feet again.

user1492757084 · 29/07/2023 04:15

Seek financial advice.
Prepare to sell your car, etc. and start again.

Codlingmoths · 29/07/2023 04:19

1037370E · 29/07/2023 00:05

Perhaps things have changed for her too, or maybe being a guarantor will have an impact on something that she wants to do.

Maybe so. She is still a total turd for not communicating this to her sister.

Aprilx · 29/07/2023 04:26

I can see that it would be disappointing for you, but everybody is entitled to change their mind and particularly when it comes to signing something, everybody should pause and really think about it.

I think you are too causal about money, you seem to have decided what she can afford, you casually mention finding another guarantor as of it is nothing, you borrow from Peter to pay Paul. You sound pretty useless with money and she has obviously decided not to get caught up.

MySugarBabyLove · 29/07/2023 04:35

I have mixed views on this. On the face of it I can see why it hurts that your sister backed out at the last minute, however it’s never advised to stand guarantor for someone, and it’s likely she’s either been advised or has read the small print in the contract and realised it would be a bad idea.

Also, the way you talk about how much she earns and how you would have expected her to loan you the money makes you sound very bitter and entitled. That alone would put me off.

I would see what benefits you’re entitled to, as for your dd, presumably she has a maintenance loan, and she’ll have to get a job like thousands of other students.

MintJulia · 29/07/2023 04:39

Of course she shouldn't have left it until the last moment, that's really unhelpful.

But to be fair to your sister, interest rates have shot up over the last 3 months. She is probably facing a massive increase in her mortgage payments (as we all are), with potentially more to come, and what might have been possible then has become unaffordable,

Have you considered not paying your dd's room deposit. Your dd is an adult and should be paying this herself by working during the summer holidays. You can't afford it. That is the stark reality. If she is stuck, ask her to apply to the university's hardship fund.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 29/07/2023 04:46

My sisters would have, and did, gift and loan me money when shit hit the fan for me financially (because of my now ex, then husband).

I think your Sister (She doesn't deserve the D in front of DSis) deliberately played mind games with you to teach you a lesson. What she did was cruel, your poor DD and poor you. Keep her at arms length for awhile. You know what she's like now so stop being so generous to her. (And keep that shirt on your back, she doesn't deserve it!)

Take a deep breath and take stock of the situation. Call your friend and apologise for letting her down, but do explain why. The fact that it was your friend that lent you the money instead of your sister in the first place is quite telling anyway. I'm assuming you only owe her part of the £6,500?

Contact your DD's university with your DD, explain the situation. She might be entitled to a hardship grant of some sort to help with the deposit for the accommodation. Have evidence of your illness etc on hand to provide to them if needed.

Absolute worst case scenario, she takes a year off in the middle of her degree to earn some money for the following year, which means she is not throwing away the degree. It's not ideal, but she isn't the first and won't be the last to have a disrupted degree. Knowing that you have this as a worst case scenario option you can then tackle other possible options without panicking. As she is already at university hopefully there are more options available for assistance from the university.

Stay strong. You were dealt a shit hand but you have got through the worst of it now, you have a job, you have accommodation, and you can make a plan.

❤️

ParisP · 29/07/2023 04:53

While she has every right to back out, to do so at last minute leaves you, your daughter and your friend in the shit with no time to remedy the situation. It’s seems positively unkind to promise something, then whip it away with no notice.

I suspect the loan had the potential to spiral into a much bigger debt if unpaid. It might be better for her to loan some of the cash directly to you, with solicitors paperwork in place to ensure it’s binding.

Your DD may need to get a summer job and student loan to pay for her own accommodation.

Mothership4two · 29/07/2023 04:53

Aprilx · 29/07/2023 04:26

I can see that it would be disappointing for you, but everybody is entitled to change their mind and particularly when it comes to signing something, everybody should pause and really think about it.

I think you are too causal about money, you seem to have decided what she can afford, you casually mention finding another guarantor as of it is nothing, you borrow from Peter to pay Paul. You sound pretty useless with money and she has obviously decided not to get caught up.

No OP sounds desperate and from her updates she is in this situation because she was ill not that she's useless with money/frittered it away.

And on £220K yes she could afford it

OP's main gripe is the sister's timing which has made a bad situation worse

ParisP · 29/07/2023 04:57

Yes approach student services with the issue. There may be a hardship fund she can access

ParisP · 29/07/2023 04:59

OP is your illness likely to occur again?

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