To be upset she changed her mind?

[Primgo]

I'm really confused over if I'm being completely unreasonable to be upset about this.

I basically got into quite bad financial trouble because I owned my own business for many years but got seriously ill and went out of business while I was ill.

I ended up unable to pay rent etc so I have been staying with people for about a year.

All this was very hard to cope with. I'd always done well and losing everything while being so ill was hard and I still feel completely depressed all the time.

To cut a very long story short, my sister (very happily) agreed to help me out by being a guarantaur on a loan to help me sort out the various problems.

Not a huge loan by her standards as she's very wealthy.

On the day due to sign the papers, she changed her mind.

I'd arranged everything around the understanding she was doing this and now I'm completely screwed and whatever problems I had before are now 10 x worse.

I wish she'd just said no to begin with rather than waiting until the day to do it.

She wasn't apologetic, she was sort of mean about it. Judgemental. And I just feel incredibly let down.

Am I being unreasonable here? I know nobody owes you to guarantee a loan, but I just feel absolutely bereft and panicked.

It is no ones business,including the op, what she earns

I can bet the person told was a friend or family member who OP told that the sister refused to help. Even though she didn't, she said no to taking on interest and gave money instead. The sister has given an interest free loan, with little chance of actually getting paid back, and is STILL to be considered the bad guy. It's amazing.

This'll be my last message here, as I think the situation is sorted and also didn't start this post for anything other than just some validation that it was okay to feel upset and I don't want to drag my sister as I said.

I just felt shocked, confused, panicked and upset and didn't have anyone to talk to.

I don't feel entitled to my sisters money. I lost my business. I lost my house. I didn't ask her for a cent to prevent either of those outcomes.

Had I not got the house, I would have saved rent, deposit, removal costs, household bills etc and just used that to pay people.

Which I wish I'd done, and would have done had I known the parameters.

I'm not blaming anyone else. I'd been effectively homeless for a year and couldn't have my daughter home for holidays and it was affecting her too.

It was also incredibly difficult to deal with dissolution of a business and various debtors if you don't have an address.

It was an incredibly stressful catch 22 situation to be stuck in.

So basically when my sister said "hey don't worry, I can help you" I took the offer. Maybe that's my fault. Whatever. I was just trying to put life back together for me and particularly my daughter.

I didn't think it was a big deal to my sister. She acted like it was a drop in the ocean. She acted enthusiastic. Had I had even the faintest idea it was any sort of problem I wouldn't have done it.

If anything, she was boasty about being rich. That doesn't mean I feel entitled to bloody anything. It's just confusing to behave like that and then act like I've done something wrong.

The last thing I need was MORE stress. I am literally only upset that I feel like I was offered a very big, lovely, much appreciated helping hand that then turned into a judgemental guilt trip boot in the face.

I've no doubt she's a good person who loves me, but it was just a hard and crap situation and I had no one to talk to because I didn't want to drag her to anyone we know.

Yes, I should have had insurance to cover me for this and I didn't. It never occurred to me so I'm probably an idiot.

That's all. Situation resolved. Ill get it paid of quickly and on the brightside my beautiful daughter will be home next week to a long awaited home and that's what matters because not being able to be with her has been really hard.

Thank you to all

The timeline is this. OP is back in work but still struggling.

Main concerns are accommodation at Uni for her DD and repay loan to friend.

OP said she can't yet afford accompaniment because of these two things.

OP's sister tells her she agrees to be a guarantor, go ahead and rent and that she will help with the loan so it's not a big deal and OP will be able to have a home AND pay those two things.

Sister actively encourages OP to rent(sending links, seeing houses etc) while reassuring her it's no big deal, she is helping, the loan will sort everything else out.

OP rents a house (earlier than intended) and makes plans around the said loan.

On the day, the sister changes her mind after researching that type of loan(why so late) and decides she disagrees with them in principle.

OP is left with no other options for the two thing she initially prioritised.

Op's sister comes back, offers her part of the initial money, demands a quick repayment plan which is now a quarter of OP's wages and tells everyone she's loaning money to OP.

OP kinda has to say yes and agree to whatever as she was left with no other options so last minute.

It is no ones business,including the op, what she earns

That is true.

It's massively uncaring to have such a substantial salary & be unwilling to help your sister who has been through an awful time and really needs help.

But as you say, not OP's business, and her sister doesn't have to - so be clear, and uninvolved and shut it down. Don't encourage her & imply support that isn't coming.

I just want to say how sorry I am for everything you've gone through.

It sounds unbearably hard. You are to be admired for picking yourself up & continuing. There will be brighter days ahead.

One final piece of advice - I wouldn't be sure your sister loves or cares for you & would proceed with caution on that basis. Her actions are not those of a loving sister. She did absolutely let you down & I'm sorry this happened to you.

Enjoy your time with DD & wishing you all the best. 💐

@Primgo good luck to you x - ignore others who have never had a really bad situation hit them to the extent of not having a home .

I’m sorry - I would have just leant you the money privately over a long term. I would do that for my sister now and I earn a fraction of what yours does. Can’t bear my loved ones suffering unnecessarily when I am comfortable, what kind of family does that?

Some people need to read the thread before leaping to defend OP

She's acted very much like Sister owes her the money

Her attitude definitely gives the same vibes as my FM who ended up similar.

Still wondering what OP isn't telling us and what DS would say as her side

But it isn’t a higher rate, is it?

OP is keeps withholding information and you are all falling for it. The loan is interest free. She says sis wants it back quicker but that could mean that she wants it back in 3 years as opposed to fivre. The longer OP takes to pay for it the higher the apr and the more she ends up paying in the end. With some loans you can end up paying 3x or more of the original loan.

oI speak as a person who has been in op’s situation. Throwing loan upon loan is not a good idea. She may be cross with sis now (being in debt is the worst stress) but one day she may be grateful to her. Unlike many on here I think sis sounds really sensible and firm. A woman who can create boundaries. Nobody likes a strong woman.

Because op keeps giving us only half the story I take what she says with a pinch of salt. And those of you who are going to call me names can do one.

You have nailed it there.
Op is still getting replies also based on her first Op.
The issue of the rented property is not relevant also, Op has said she will work an extra job to make up the extra.
Her DS is extremely sensible here and having only seen the details the day before has put her foot down and saved the Op a ton of money and an even worse credit score.
Some of those guarantor loans are as high as 50% apr
I'm utterly gobsmacked at the ingratitude of the Op and I suspect the silly replies calling the DS names are from people projecting their own crap money management issues onto the thread.

Obviously you're not BU to be upset. But I'm afraid she came to her senses, though rather late. If you don't rate a loan on your own recognisance, she's a fool to take on the responsibility. Either loan you the money directly herself (if she's prepared to lose it) or keep well clear (if she isn't). Sorry.

You absolutely not at fault for being upset. Especially the way it was done. I would go NC with her.

Is that NC before or after taking her money?

Sorry it has worked out to be so difficult. If your sister is giving you the loan interest-free, then that actually works out better for you than a loan through a third-party company with a high APR, even though it will be really painful for a while. You also will be able to start paying off your other debts more efficiently now that you have a permanent address, it sounds like. It's not very nice of your sister to go around telling all and sundry that she loaned you money, but do bear in mind that she is taking some risk that you won't (be able to) pay her back and you must respect that.

One thing I'd advise: make sure you document the terms she's asking for, as well as everything you pay her back, in writing, preferably with some sort of confirmation from her. If she is indeed not charging you interest, make sure you put that in writing also. Try not to pay in cash, it would make it easy for her to pretend you didn't give her the cash or that you were paying her back for something else, just gave her money as a birthday gift, etc. She feels well-intentioned right now and perhaps has decided to reward herself for her generosity by telling all your friends how she's lending you money out of the goodness of her heart, but just the same way she changed her mind about being a guarantor for the loan, she could come back in a year or two and say that you were supposed to pay her interest, that she doesn't know where you got the idea the loan was meant to be interest-free etc. When you give your final payment to her, make sure you document that you have now paid the loan off in full.

Instead of getting upset, put your thinking cap on, and protect yourself. You will need to be very careful how you speak to and communicate with her so you don't raise her ire and induce her to change the terms of the loan again after you've already used the money she lends you.

I see that you've ended the thread (only read your updates) just wanted to throw my opinion in any way. I think YANBU to be upset, not you're not entitled to it but you've clearly stated you know that and you've clearly had a really shit time. I've zero cash at the moment but I have supermarket vouchers, this morning I felt awful and the thought of dragging my two around the supermarket was too much, my big brother lent me £30 so I could get a few bits delivered and I'll be repaying him tomorrow. Your sister agreed and then took that back when it was way too late for you to sort anything and it appears she did so without a valid reason, that's pretty nasty IMO. Families should look out for each other, if she couldn't help then fair enough but she could. I see she has now lent you the money and I'm glad you got sorted, lessons learned sadly the hard way. You feeling upset is valid given the circumstances but time to put it behind you and move forwards knowing who you can and can't rely on in the future. Good luck and I hope things improve for you x

No way on earth was your sister delighted to be a guarantor for you. No one is delighted about possibly paying back large amounts of money for someone who is not good with money. I'd 100% have said no.

YANBU to feel upset. Whilst your sister was under no obligation to help, to let someone down at the last minute when you know they won’t have time to make alternative arrangements is bad form. Sounds like you’ve had a horrendous time, I have a friend who had similar health issues and is still having long term issues, so I can slightly understand what you are going through.

Just wanted to say I hope everything works out for you and your health and financial issues both improve soon. Good luck, you are strong and will get through this.

Since when is 30k in the bank and 220k salary not considered wealthy?

I have much more than 30k in the bank and I am far from wealthy- although I have to be honest and say that I do not earn 220,000. I just wonder where a woman who is doing well draws the line. There may be others in the family in need. Does she take care of everyone? There are too many unknowns here to make a judgements, but I wouldn’t expect my siblings to bail me out of my difficulties. I would help them and have done but that is my choice. Many choose not to and I would not judge them. I would bet money that op has overestimated her sister’s earnings. I don’t tell anyone how much I earn.

OP I can truthfully say that in your sister’s position, I would have just given you the money.

I have Long Covid. You have my deepest sympathy and I hope things go ok.

If I was DSis and read this thread I’d probably be retracting my offer, it’s clearly not good enough even though it solves two of OP’s problems in one go and is in fact manageable for her by all accounts.

Your sister sounds like mine. This ended up being longer than I thought to express this.

This happened the beginning of April. My sister insisted she wanted to fly out to spend 3 weeks with me when I had hip surgery. She was excited to help. I told her my house was a disaster because it had been months since I had been able to do much more than minimal work around the house due to the severity of my hip pain. That was fine, she loves to clean. We stopped and bought food on the way home from the airport. As soon as we got here she started judging. Of course saying she wasn’t critiquing, just pointing things out.

Then while we are eating, she starts feeding the dogs from her plate. I told her three times to take the plate away from my Great Dane’s face, she insisted he wouldn’t do anything. He did. He scooped up everything, including a plastic container with sauce in it. So, in addition to the $365 I paid for her to fly out, it also cost me $877 for an emergency vet bill. We couldn’t get him to throw up the container and neither could the vet. It’s been several months, so hopefully it will have dissolved, who knows.

She had been here about 1-1/2 days when she came to my room crying that she couldn’t handle it. She thought she could, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t understand why I would be upset. Surgery was on Monday and it was mid morning on Friday.

She spent the next hour or so on the phone with her daughter whining about whatever and smoking like a chimney. I told her she had already cost me over $1,200, how much more was she going to cost me while she was here? I told her she might as well get a cab back to the airport. That pissed her off. Too bad. I wasn’t driving an hour each way to the airport. She ended up leaving.

She didn’t fly out until Monday morning, so I guess she had a weekend vacation before going home. She unfriended me on Facebook (not a problem). I’m kind of surprised it wasn’t a block. She is acting like I did something horrible to her. Obviously we are completely estranged at this point. I’m sure it’s a permanent rift this time. I’m actually good with that.

I learned a new word for this recently — Covert Narcissism. Everything is done TO her. She takes no responsibility for her actions, and really doesn’t see where she was at fault. She is exactly like our Mother. I lived this as a child, I don’t have to live it as an adult.

Useless with money??
What an unnecessary and cruel comment to someone who lost everything due to suffering a serious illness. Did you even read the OP?

Sounds like somebody (husband maybe) has got wind of it and told her it’s a bad idea