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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset she changed her mind?

282 replies

Primgo · 28/07/2023 21:53

I'm really confused over if I'm being completely unreasonable to be upset about this.

I basically got into quite bad financial trouble because I owned my own business for many years but got seriously ill and went out of business while I was ill.

I ended up unable to pay rent etc so I have been staying with people for about a year.

All this was very hard to cope with. I'd always done well and losing everything while being so ill was hard and I still feel completely depressed all the time.

To cut a very long story short, my sister (very happily) agreed to help me out by being a guarantaur on a loan to help me sort out the various problems.

Not a huge loan by her standards as she's very wealthy.

On the day due to sign the papers, she changed her mind.

I'd arranged everything around the understanding she was doing this and now I'm completely screwed and whatever problems I had before are now 10 x worse.

I wish she'd just said no to begin with rather than waiting until the day to do it.

She wasn't apologetic, she was sort of mean about it. Judgemental. And I just feel incredibly let down.

Am I being unreasonable here? I know nobody owes you to guarantee a loan, but I just feel absolutely bereft and panicked.

OP posts:
Changeychang · 29/07/2023 09:32

If I were your sister and aware of your "but you can afford to lend me £6.5k" attitude, I would worry that if there were any slight falling out this might turn into "you don't need the money back, you have loads". You may feel it's very unfair but these things happen in families.

I also echo what others have said maybe having sight of the contract has made her realise just how on the hook she'll be. Is the interest due on the loan a lot higher than when you first suggested it given BOE BR increases?

DoubleTime · 29/07/2023 09:37

Sounds like your sister knew she was wrong not to have told you sooner, hence the lecturing and accusing you of guilt tripping. There is nothing you can do though. Can you approach the uni to check if there are payment arrangements and hardship funds that could help for your daughter ? Can she get temp work before she goes to help too ?

Siouxiesiouxiesioux · 29/07/2023 09:37

We women can’t keep stepping in and rescuing others. I would have done the same as you, but I also applaud women who don’t do that. The names being used on here to describe the sister are horrible and I wouldn’t allow others to do that to my sister even if she had refused to be a guarantor on a loan. don’t get me wrong - I would be fuming too. And have been because I was once in a similar situation. Honestly, it was the making of me. My situation with my sister is now reversed and I am the one who gives her money - but she is very proud and would go to pauper’s jail (if such a thing existed) rather than ask me or anyone to be guarantor for a loan, which probably explains her “callous” attitude all those years ago. She just has a different attitude to money than I do. And she is entitled to that.

xyz111 · 29/07/2023 09:39

OP - did you have any form of insurance? Being self employed, does it not cover you being unwell, can you not claim off that?

NortieTortie · 29/07/2023 09:39

Yanbu to be upset. She had so much time to say no. There's really no excuse for leaving you in the shit like that.

DoubleTime · 29/07/2023 09:46

You know its very sad @Primgo that your sister didn't offer to let you stay at hers until you were back on your feet again. You could have helped out with chores in return /paid for a holiday as a thank you one day when finances were better.

Siouxiesiouxiesioux · 29/07/2023 09:48

Did she though? She backed off after she was sent - and read - the contract. She sounds sensible. She actually reads contracts, unlike many of us who just sign in the dotted line.

rRight, I am off now. I hope things work out for you op. Many of us have been in your situation and got out of it and are now thriving. Try to keep a level head. It’s easy to say, but panicking doesn’t help. There are quite a few helpful suggestions on this thread. I would write them down and take the actions suggested. Taking responsibility will help you feel empowered again which will be useful as you rebuild your life.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 29/07/2023 09:49

The issue is not her not lending you the money or not being a guarantor. She can say no for any reason or no reason at all.

However, it was extremely shitty of her to say yes, play along for 3 months, encourage you to spend money/make plans and then pull out at the last minute. For 3 months she strung you along , thus preventing you from making other arrangements. I don't blame you for being angry and upset.

You've learned that you can't count on her., all you can do now is try your best to sort things out in a different way.

Viviennemary · 29/07/2023 09:55

I think the day before was far too short notice. But asking for loans or asking for guarantors does put people in an awkward position.

PussInBin20 · 29/07/2023 10:02

I think she is totally out of order. She would have known the risks when she initially agreed to it. Personally I think she should have loaned you the money herself if she is that well off.

Hoppinggreen · 29/07/2023 10:05

The last minute change of mind isn’t great but perhaps she was advised not to do it.
Happens on here regularly

Batalax · 29/07/2023 10:05

It’s the 10x worse that she is responsible for. Have you explicitly told her that?

WannaBeRecluse · 29/07/2023 10:10

PussInBin20 · 29/07/2023 10:02

I think she is totally out of order. She would have known the risks when she initially agreed to it. Personally I think she should have loaned you the money herself if she is that well off.

Would she have known the risks though? I've never been a guarantor. If someone asked me to be a guarantor on a 6K loan, I'd imagine that was what I was risking. If they then gave me a contract that said, plus interest on defaults, collections fees, admin fees for collecting, I'd go, "Hang on a moment."

Of course that's they key thing, like you said - IF she is that well off. It's easy to assume about other people.

Batalax · 29/07/2023 10:12

I think I’d say I was sorry for the fact she’s feeling guilty but actually if you’d known to begin with then you wouldn’t have done x, y and z and you’d have had time to make alternative arrangements so yes, her changing her mind has badly impacted your decisions and screwed you over. I think you do need to be blunt and if there is fall out there is fall out, because that’s the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts.

Emmamoo89 · 29/07/2023 10:12

YANBU X

Madamlulu · 29/07/2023 10:15

PussInBin20 · 29/07/2023 10:02

I think she is totally out of order. She would have known the risks when she initially agreed to it. Personally I think she should have loaned you the money herself if she is that well off.

Agree with this. I would have loaned the money to my sister myself or given it - in a heartbeat.

Maddy70 · 29/07/2023 10:16

It seems as if your sister has cold feet at the last minute. It's a horrible situation for you but honestly if I were your sister I may well have done the same

She was obviously happy to help you out but then she's been discussing it , thinking about it.

If you default she is liable for your debt but also could affect her own credit ratings etc which would have long term implications for her.

You're right to be disappointed but she's not wring for backing out

Denimdreams · 29/07/2023 10:28

viques · 29/07/2023 09:19

I think your sister has looked at your past and current financial dealings and realised what a risk being your guarantor would be.

your business went bust
you couldn’t pay your rent
you have been living rent free with other people for a year and still can’t get your financial ducks in a row.

If she acts as your guarantor she perhaps risks messing up her own credit score when things go belly up, which they will as it sounds as if you aren’t well enough to run a successful business.

I expect she could afford to give you the money, but maybe she would rather give it to a charity than watch you waste it.

Be realistic, get a paid job and sort out your personal finances before you risk other peoples money on your pipedream.

Agree with this.
I think your DS has realised she is enabling you in further poor money management.
All your posts are about why she should bail you out.
Her money is not your money.
I'm sorry you have been unwell but you need to formally sort out your finances with a debt management company via either IVA or bankruptcy.
I'm afraid it's always people who are in debt who protest they would " give the shirt off their back" when they never ever actually have the money to do this anyway.

topnoddy · 29/07/2023 10:41

Don't you only need a guarantor if you are at high risk of not be able to pay ?

topnoddy · 29/07/2023 10:42

being not be !

Needs an edit option on here

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 29/07/2023 10:50

If your sister earns £220,000 and wouldn't loan you £6500 after promising to for 3 months, and then gave you a judgmental speech instead, she's a bitch.

You were ill. You lost everything. This is not a pattern. This is a 'life happened' and you got hammered by it. And this was primarily about ensuring your daughter can still go to uni.

I'm sorry, but she's a bitch if that's accurate numbers.

topnoddy · 29/07/2023 10:54

There's not many jobs that earn 220K despite a lot of posters on here saying they are "high earners" !

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 29/07/2023 10:57

Wow, lots of people on this thread that are just mean as fuck tbh.

YANBU OP and your sister is cruel to have pulled the rug at the last minute, unless she's going to surprise you with a gift of £6.5k.

Mintleafcocktail · 29/07/2023 10:58

MN is strange. If someone came on here saying they’d said they’d be a guarantor for their sister but only got sent the contract the day before due to sign and it had loads of fees on it, and it was to pay back another loan the sister had borrowed from a friend I am quite sure they’d be advised to take time to think about the repercussions 🤷🏻‍♀️

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 29/07/2023 10:59

topnoddy · 29/07/2023 10:41

Don't you only need a guarantor if you are at high risk of not be able to pay ?

Guarantor loans are for those that have a dodgy credit history. And yes, OP might have a history of non-payment, as if you read the OP, she lost her home.

Undoubtedly if she could have got a standard loan she would have.