Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad and step mum are ignoring me

517 replies

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 21:58

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad.

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 27/07/2023 22:01

I can see how this has been received badly, if friends were invited but your step mother, with whom you have had no issues and has been in your life a long time, was not.

You chose the wedding you wanted but can’t control people’s hurt feelings over the choices you made.

Littlemissprosecco · 27/07/2023 22:01

No I think UABU, she’s been in your life since you were 7. She’s really hurt, as is your dad.

girlfriend44 · 27/07/2023 22:02

No you are, what did you expect when you pushed his wife out, who's probably done loads for you since you were 7 and an important person in your dad's life.

Can't believe your surprised. Would you like your husband being treated like that?

ThreeLittleDots · 27/07/2023 22:02

I think I would apologise to her

Jobalob · 27/07/2023 22:04

You were wrong. If your step mum has been in your life since you were 7 and you get on ok with her you’re totally out of order and I completely get why your dad is upset

Ella31 · 27/07/2023 22:04

I think you should have invited her over friends. That's unbelievably hurtful.

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2023 22:04

Yabu it wasn't as if she's new on the scene she's know you since you were 7. Appalling behaviour on your part you made sure she didn't matter so why should she be an active grandparent in your child's life

RegainingTheWill2023 · 27/07/2023 22:05

I think it was very odd not to invite your step mother who you say you've had no issues with and has been with your df since you were 7. That was hurtful.

CherryMaDeara · 27/07/2023 22:05

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 21:58

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad.

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

Just as you met the love of your life, your dad has met the love of his life.

You were rude to exclude her.

Original poster
HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

OP posts:
Cap89 · 27/07/2023 22:05

Sorry I think you really messed up here. Unless there’s a big backstory you haven’t shared, I think it was really inconsiderate not to invite your stepmum. Time to step up and apologise if you want them in your life. Don’t underestimate how hurt they feel.

Merryoldgoat · 27/07/2023 22:05

I think that if you have a good relationship with a step parent and have a wedding where friends have been invited it’s a bit shitty not to invite them.

However it’s entirely up to you, but you have you deal with the fallout of your decision.

Personally I think they’re over reacting but I think you should’ve invited her.

CherryMaDeara · 27/07/2023 22:06

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

Have you apologised to them?

Sounds like you’re more worried about your dc missing out.

Hankunamatata · 27/07/2023 22:07

I'd be grovelling to step mum and your dad. Explain you were wrong and you can see what you did was so hurtful.

Merryoldgoat · 27/07/2023 22:07

Why does your hurt trump hers?

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2023 22:07

Why should she bother with your child when you didn't bother to include her? Imagine if your family excluded your dh from an family event because you've only been together 18months but invited everyone else, would you be happy with that decision?

girlfriend44 · 27/07/2023 22:08

So now apologise and say you realise you were wrong, and hope they still come, if not you've only yourself to blame.

You hate her and you didn't want her there for sure. You thought your dad would come alone, now it's backfired ha.😝

ReluctantFishLady · 27/07/2023 22:08

It's a massive snub, did you assume your dad would be fine with this? Has she been a good step mum or a bad one? If you were a young child when you first met her, is it safe to assume she provided care for you for all these years?

SemperIdem · 27/07/2023 22:08

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

I imagine she has re-evaluated her place in your life and doesn’t feel your child is her grandchild

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2023 22:09

Are you only bothered because you've lost a baby sitter op because you don't come across remotely genuine about the hurt you caused your df and sm.

Xrays · 27/07/2023 22:10

Wow my dh has been raising my dd since she was 5. If she didn’t invite him to her wedding he would be absolutely crushed. 😳😳 I think you’ve been awful. A lot of making up to do!!

RegainingTheWill2023 · 27/07/2023 22:10

You made a very public statement that your stepmother is not important to you and your father's feelings dont matter. You haven't apologised and now are claiming to ve the one who is hurting.
You need to reflect on how relationships work and try looking at situations from others perspectives.

timberho · 27/07/2023 22:10

Sounds like you reap what you sow. You wanted to exclude her (it was small but not entirely limited on numbers as you had friends there), and now they're treating you the same. Fair enough.

Original poster
HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:11

Well we thought it was fair as I didn’t invite my biological mum’s partner either.

OP posts:
Player001 · 27/07/2023 22:11

I've been in my step kids lives since they were 9 and 10. They are now in mid 20's. If I am not invited to their weddings I know their dad will not be happy about it either. Neither will their mum.

Whilst you are allowed to have your wedding your way, you need to also understand people are allowed to be hurt by your decisions. Especially if they are now being confronted by the fact that they dont have they relationship with you that they thought they had.

This is on you and it's going to take an effort to repair it.