Page 21 | My dad and step mum are ignoring me

HudsonFar · 2023-07-27T20:58:31+00:00

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner. My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad. My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected. We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

Outliers · 28/07/2023 21:38

Yabu

bernieaa · 28/07/2023 21:39

OP hasn't been back.

I wonder why 99% of posters are saying it's not ok to invite fathers partner but other posts like "I wasn't invited to sisters wedding" is meet with "she can do what she wants".

namechangenacy · 28/07/2023 22:10

bernieaa · 28/07/2023 21:39

OP hasn't been back.

I wonder why 99% of posters are saying it's not ok to invite fathers partner but other posts like "I wasn't invited to sisters wedding" is meet with "she can do what she wants".

Possibly due to specific of this post.

Being a sister, aunt or friend is vastly different from someone who at the very min played a part in the brides life since the age of 7. It's a bit ick but ok people can do what they want and I don't think people are saying op has to invite sm.

I think the majority of people are like well your ok to invite who you want to your wedding if you don't consider them family or close

But you can't expect that person you didn't invite to your wedding to play happy grandma with your baby and not distance themselves.

What's that saying you are free to make choices but your not free from the consequences of those choices.

Like if someone didn't ask their sister to their wedding fine it's your wedding, but the sister is obligated to remain close with the bride.

LookingforMaryPoppins · 28/07/2023 23:41

namechangenacy · 28/07/2023 22:10

Possibly due to specific of this post.

Being a sister, aunt or friend is vastly different from someone who at the very min played a part in the brides life since the age of 7. It's a bit ick but ok people can do what they want and I don't think people are saying op has to invite sm.

I think the majority of people are like well your ok to invite who you want to your wedding if you don't consider them family or close

But you can't expect that person you didn't invite to your wedding to play happy grandma with your baby and not distance themselves.

What's that saying you are free to make choices but your not free from the consequences of those choices.

Like if someone didn't ask their sister to their wedding fine it's your wedding, but the sister is obligated to remain close with the bride.

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Absolutely! The poster didn't think enough of her step mum to invite her to her wedding yet expects her step mum to want to grandparent her child.... cake and eat it imo! She can't have it both ways....

Ohyousillydivvy · 29/07/2023 02:30

SpringViolet · 28/07/2023 21:36

Where does it say in OP’s posts that her Dad’s wife helped bring her up?

We actually don’t know how involved she’s been in OP’s life as OP has not said but OP obviously doesn’t feel close to her and she’s entitled to her feel whatever she feels.

Not only me me writing my own narrative it seems

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But it does say in the op that she was hoping her dad and SM would see her baby. That's probably code for baby sitting duties, the op sees her SM as close enough to be granny. However, not close enough to warrant an invitation to her wedding.

The op has now learnt that her choices has consequences entirely of her own making.

GoingGoingUp · 29/07/2023 02:50

Ohyousillydivvy · 29/07/2023 02:30

But it does say in the op that she was hoping her dad and SM would see her baby. That's probably code for baby sitting duties, the op sees her SM as close enough to be granny. However, not close enough to warrant an invitation to her wedding.

The op has now learnt that her choices has consequences entirely of her own making.

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I also think there’s a massive story missing from OP’s post. Who calls their mum their biological mum, unless their biological mum hasn’t been a big presence in their life.

I actually think the step mum has been quite involved in OP’s life, and if so, it would have been hurtful to know her “biological mum” was invited but she wasn’t.

Aprilx · 29/07/2023 02:54

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

Don’t make this about your child. It is about you and your dreadful rudeness. Your dad was right to prioritise his wife, I would hope my husband would stick up for me in the same way. If you want a relationship, you need to apologise.

Whatsthesituation · 29/07/2023 08:13

I had a similar thing happen to me, my son didn't invite his side of the family to my granddaughters christening, but my DILs family were all invited, very deeply hurt we hardly speak now, which Iam gutted about, he doesn't seem bothered by any of it.

MargosMangos · 29/07/2023 08:42

@Whatsthesituation I'm so sorry, that's awful
@SpringViolet oh give over, @HudsonFar has shown a lack of basic manners regardless

Allthings · 29/07/2023 08:54

Whatsthesituation · 29/07/2023 08:13

I had a similar thing happen to me, my son didn't invite his side of the family to my granddaughters christening, but my DILs family were all invited, very deeply hurt we hardly speak now, which Iam gutted about, he doesn't seem bothered by any of it.

That is nothing similar and far worse as one side of the family was completely cut out. The OP didn’t invite any of her parents spouses/partners and only parents of both the bride and groom were invited. So unlike your situation, it appears that both sides of the family may have been treated equally.

The op has not given enough information as to the sort of relationship she had with either of the steps and the dynamics between her parents. I am one of only a small number who can see why steps may not have been invited to a very small wedding, especially if there were issues with dynamics which would be amplified massively at a very small wedding. Which bride wants to have a parent decline the invite due to a step being in attendance, or to tread on eggshells on her wedding day? It’s much easier to manage difficult dynamics at a large wedding. Although it is still understandable as to why a step may have been upset/feel slighted/be furious by not being invited.

There may not have been any issues with dynamics whatsoever and only the op knows that. We don’t know the role that either of the steps my have played in her life. Just because the step mother may have been in her life for a lot of years, it doesn’t mean that they had much in the way of a relationship, or even saw each other that much. Conversely, the step mother may have had a significant role, but we don’t know. If there were no issues with dynamics and the step mother had been extremely active in the op’s life, it was somewhat mean in not extending an invite to her.

Being grandparents could be anything and doesn’t necessarily mean being hands on with the step mother taking responsibility and undertaking child care duties on a regular basis. There are plenty of grandparents that do not have an active role in their grandchildren’s lives. Again there is no detail as to the ops expectations as to what role her father and his wife would play in the grandchildren’s lives.

whumpthereitis · 29/07/2023 08:56

GoingGoingUp · 29/07/2023 02:50

I also think there’s a massive story missing from OP’s post. Who calls their mum their biological mum, unless their biological mum hasn’t been a big presence in their life.

I actually think the step mum has been quite involved in OP’s life, and if so, it would have been hurtful to know her “biological mum” was invited but she wasn’t.

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Quite a lot of people tbh, especially online. Mumsnet generally doesn’t like it, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t used elsewhere. It’s obviously not referring to adoption in the context of discussing stepparents (and I think ‘birth mother’ may be more commonly used in regards to adoption, at least as far as I’ve seen).

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 29/07/2023 19:44

Allthings · 29/07/2023 08:54

That is nothing similar and far worse as one side of the family was completely cut out. The OP didn’t invite any of her parents spouses/partners and only parents of both the bride and groom were invited. So unlike your situation, it appears that both sides of the family may have been treated equally.

The op has not given enough information as to the sort of relationship she had with either of the steps and the dynamics between her parents. I am one of only a small number who can see why steps may not have been invited to a very small wedding, especially if there were issues with dynamics which would be amplified massively at a very small wedding. Which bride wants to have a parent decline the invite due to a step being in attendance, or to tread on eggshells on her wedding day? It’s much easier to manage difficult dynamics at a large wedding. Although it is still understandable as to why a step may have been upset/feel slighted/be furious by not being invited.

There may not have been any issues with dynamics whatsoever and only the op knows that. We don’t know the role that either of the steps my have played in her life. Just because the step mother may have been in her life for a lot of years, it doesn’t mean that they had much in the way of a relationship, or even saw each other that much. Conversely, the step mother may have had a significant role, but we don’t know. If there were no issues with dynamics and the step mother had been extremely active in the op’s life, it was somewhat mean in not extending an invite to her.

Being grandparents could be anything and doesn’t necessarily mean being hands on with the step mother taking responsibility and undertaking child care duties on a regular basis. There are plenty of grandparents that do not have an active role in their grandchildren’s lives. Again there is no detail as to the ops expectations as to what role her father and his wife would play in the grandchildren’s lives.

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That's a really long post full of nothing but supposition. Even OP refers to her step mother as that and not her 'father's wife'.

I don't think you have superior vision of the situation, but your ability to project seems good.

Allthings · 29/07/2023 21:57

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 29/07/2023 19:44

That's a really long post full of nothing but supposition. Even OP refers to her step mother as that and not her 'father's wife'.

I don't think you have superior vision of the situation, but your ability to project seems good.

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In my circles a step parent is also referred to the as the husband or wife of the parent regardless of the relationship dynamics. If the op is offended by my choice of words, for that I will apologise.

Hardly supposition as I have not once stated that anything is a belief, or true. I think I have been very clear that there could be lots of ifs and buts or possibilities that we are not aware of.

I don’t have a vision, superior or otherwise and its a shame that you thought that was the case.

The op is getting short shift on here, which may be very well deserved. I personally prefer to have more facts before condemning someone.

Id578 · 29/07/2023 22:33

Aprilx · 29/07/2023 02:54

Don’t make this about your child. It is about you and your dreadful rudeness. Your dad was right to prioritise his wife, I would hope my husband would stick up for me in the same way. If you want a relationship, you need to apologise.

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I also really feel for dad here and disagree with other posters that he should prioritise his daughter and grandchild, firstly by attending the wedding and secondly by seeing the child following his wife’s snubbing. He has been put in an incredibly difficult situation - not sure how he would feel comfortable seeing his daughter etc as if no hurt has been caused as daughter has clearly not apologised. His wife would feel completely betrayed and she would then be under unfair pressure to play happy families without her pain being acknowledged at all. Dad is right to support his wife: a difficult decision but ultimately the right one to let his daughter know how she has treated them both.

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/07/2023 07:37

Guessing @HudsonFar isn't going to come back

She's prob also gonna change her username as if people see if on threads will think that's the one who snubbed her step mum

EMUKE · 14/02/2024 09:58

You say your sad as they are missing out with the grandchildren… Have you just lost a valued support network? So thoughtless. Maybe the friends that attend/attended the wedding will take in the role for your children?

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 14/02/2024 10:03

@EMUKE Why the need to go find an old thread to dig up ?