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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad and step mum are ignoring me

517 replies

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 21:58

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad.

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 27/07/2023 22:46

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:11

Well we thought it was fair as I didn’t invite my biological mum’s partner either.

How long had he been in your life?

Seems like your all about family when it's your child but you don't see when it matters to others

weirdoboelady · 27/07/2023 22:47

I hope you'll gather from the tone of this thread that you have done something totally awful. I hope you really understand it.

If you do, you will be feeling awful yourself now (no, it doesn't compare to not inviting your mum's partner, who has presumably had fuck all involvement with raising you). So let's focus on how to mend the relationship (and be clear that you are NOT doing this for free childcare).

I don't actually know how you could go about doing this - maybe show them this thread and explain that you didn't realise the impact of your actions?

WandaWonder · 27/07/2023 22:47

I new women he has shacked up with for 2 weeks I get not in inviting but yeah wouldn't have done what you did

I think a bride and groom can invite who they want but you can't control other people's feelings

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2023 22:47

Willyoujustbequiet
Did your actions cause them to go nc with you? Your sharing your own experiences which aren't remotely relevant op said she had a good relationship with her sm.

My parents fell out with my grandparents when i was a baby,they weren't very nice people. I saw them briefly when I was 10 years old and had a minimal relationship I'm not remotely bothered by it nor did it affect me as a child.

DisquietintheRanks · 27/07/2023 22:47

Oh and you've made it quite clear it's not her grandchild.

BattleofBeamfleot · 27/07/2023 22:48

When you draw a line that says "the people who are important to me are on this side, and that does not include YOU".... people are entitled to take it that the line works both ways.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 27/07/2023 22:48

Not inviting your stepmum was just nasty.

Im99912 · 27/07/2023 22:48

If my son didn’t invite my DH his stepdad from when he was 4 years old to his wedding I wouldn’t go either

I would think that I had done something really wrong to bring up such a self centered idiot who really had no idea of what family means.

But my son isn’t like that

Your step mum isn’t some random person
She isn’t your dads girlfriend or some one he’s just met
She’s his wife and clearly your dad thinks more of her feelings than yours 😂😂

looks like you played a game and lost big time

They have obviously been together for around 20 odd years so you must have know it would be hurtfull

I hope she has nothing to do with you or your kid because she’s clearly not good enough for an invitation to your wedding then I don’t blame her for might wanting anything to do with your precious child

WeetabixTowels · 27/07/2023 22:49

BattleofBeamfleot · 27/07/2023 22:48

When you draw a line that says "the people who are important to me are on this side, and that does not include YOU".... people are entitled to take it that the line works both ways.

This sums up it up beautifully

Nanny0gg · 27/07/2023 22:49

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/07/2023 22:34

Again not the child's fault. Ignoring a grandchild because you are angry with the parent is a shitty thing to do.

Show quote history

You've been told by their parents that you're not important

How can you have a relationship with the baby and not the parents?

It's all the OP and her DH's fault so they are the only ones that can fix it

Nanny0gg · 27/07/2023 22:50

AlfietheSchnauzer · 27/07/2023 22:42

She isn't your family, you've done nothing wrong

She's her stepmother

WeetabixTowels · 27/07/2023 22:51

GrumpyPanda · 27/07/2023 22:44

Producing offspring is not a get-out-of-jail-free card for bad behaviour.

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

OP is hiding behind her child as a way to say “They can’t be mad at me what about the child!”

OP if you have a stuff about your baby, you’d not have taken steps to alienate her grandparents from her. This is all on you - you need to give a grovelling apology and hope they accept it. I’m not sure I could in those circumstances

WhatADrabCarpet · 27/07/2023 22:51

Such a sad state of affairs.

You bombed on your invites OP.

You need to own it or face the consequences.

Danielle9891 · 27/07/2023 22:51

I do feel really bad for your stepmum. She must have been really hurt.

If I had a step child that did that I would have taken it as she no longer wanted me in her life.

If I was you can you get in touch with her and try to make it up to her?

Lachimolala · 27/07/2023 22:51

Oh dear, seems like you overplayed your hand here.

I don’t blame your dad for siding with his wife, I would side with mine if my child pulled a stunt like this. I also wouldn’t have anything to do with a child of someone who clearly didn’t view me as anyone of any sort of worth.

I would cut yourself a large slice of humble pie and get to apologising. You could maybe salvage things, who knows.

ScribblingPixie · 27/07/2023 22:52

Oh OP, this is awful, they must have been devastated. And I wonder how your mum and your stepdad really feel too. I hope you come to realise what you've done and find a way to somehow put things right.

blackpear · 27/07/2023 22:52

She is probably scared to get close to your child in case she is rejected again.

catrescuelady · 27/07/2023 22:52

My SD of 15 years has caused me and her dad a lot of problems. Then when she had the children I was expected to be weekend babysitter but she still didn't want to speak to me!! Sod that. Suddenly I am the bad one.

Batshitcrazy007 · 27/07/2023 22:52

good for your dad having his wife’s corner you’re now gonna spit your dummy out because they don’t wanna be in your child’s life she’s not good enough to attend the wedding but good enough to play grandma 🤦🏼‍♀️

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/07/2023 22:52

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2023 22:47

Willyoujustbequiet
Did your actions cause them to go nc with you? Your sharing your own experiences which aren't remotely relevant op said she had a good relationship with her sm.

My parents fell out with my grandparents when i was a baby,they weren't very nice people. I saw them briefly when I was 10 years old and had a minimal relationship I'm not remotely bothered by it nor did it affect me as a child.

No.

I was responding to the suggestion that a child would not be bothered about not having grandparents in their life. Which is patently ridiculous as many children would be. Its implying grandparents aren't significant which is rubbish.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 27/07/2023 22:53

"Their Grandchild"? Bit you made it very clear by not inviting her that you didn't consider her to have had a parental involvement with you, but now she is one of the grandparents?

How can you not see the irony of that statement? You deliberately pushed her away and are now upset that she hasn't just bounced back to being involved. When she is probably just waiting until the next time you do something to make it clear she is not a REAL grandparent and doesn't want to expose herself to the potential pain.

Saoirse82 · 27/07/2023 22:53

Sorry OP, I've got to agree with everyone else. That was massively unreasonable, I can't believe someone didn't sit you down and tell you that the hurt you were going to cause might and that relationships might be damaged forever.

DHs step dad has been in his life since he was 6. He is as much of a grandfather to our kids as bio Dad and he was a huge part of our wedding. I think he'd have never gotten over the hurt had this been done to him.

You've basically told your SM that she means nothing to you so I expect she won't feel like a granny to your child.

You need to grovel but in all honesty the damage might be permanent. I surprised you couldn't see this at the time.

KingOfThieves · 27/07/2023 22:53

there was no way to fit them in? None at all? It seems like you cut your nose to spite your face. They are hurt. You cut them out, it is hurtful….but you want to complain they have cut you off? It goes both ways. You made it clear their feelings were not important.

ThatDayIBecameFree · 27/07/2023 22:53

It'd be rude to invite almost any guest to a wedding without their spouse, but your own dad!? That's shitbaggery of the highest order.

pinkishlemonade · 27/07/2023 22:54

What a shitty thing to do of you. Honestly, unforgivable.

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