Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad and step mum are ignoring me

517 replies

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 21:58

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad.

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Gladtoblasto · 27/07/2023 22:41

I think you have made a mistake. You first need to realise this and then genuinely apologise. This woman helped to raised you. This would be very hurtful to her.

WeetabixTowels · 27/07/2023 22:41

Sorry OP but this woman has had a hand in raising you, she should have had room made for her. She must be devastated

CherryMaDeara · 27/07/2023 22:41

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/07/2023 22:39

Family isn't just about blood but regardless the grandad is.

You can't punish kids for the acts of their parents.

Show quote history

Family isn't just about blood

Maybe OP should have remembered this when it was her wedding.

You can't punish kids for the acts of their parents.

No one is being punished. It’s ok to have boundaries.

Remagirl · 27/07/2023 22:41

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 21:58

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad.

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

As a step mum myself whose step daughter recently married I feel qualified to tell you this would have devastated me. Like your SM I've been in my SD life since she was primary age. I love her like a daughter but understand she isn't my daughter. Her mum and I only see each other every few years but have a cordial relationship. I seriously think you need to try in some way to make amends.

readbooksdrinktea · 27/07/2023 22:41

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/07/2023 22:39

Family isn't just about blood but regardless the grandad is.

You can't punish kids for the acts of their parents.

Show quote history

Maybe the parents should have been less self-absorbed then. You can't push people aside and expect them to be there when it suits you.

Inneedofaholiday22 · 27/07/2023 22:42

You were in the wrong to not invite her. I'm not surprised her and your dad are both really upset. That's a big statement you've made.

WeetabixTowels · 27/07/2023 22:42

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:11

Well we thought it was fair as I didn’t invite my biological mum’s partner either.

How long has your been been with her partner?

AlfietheSchnauzer · 27/07/2023 22:42

She isn't your family, you've done nothing wrong

WeetabixTowels · 27/07/2023 22:42

*your mum

Gladtoblasto · 27/07/2023 22:42

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

Problem is life doesn't work this way. They are hurt and you are brushing that under the carpet.

CJLJJL · 27/07/2023 22:42

It’s odd that you refer to your child as ‘their’ grandchild and ‘they’ are missing out.
It implies you consider them both to be your child’s grandparents and yet you excluded one of them.
How rude.
It is a shame that you have potentially ruined their relationship by being so thoughtless, even after your dad told you how he felt.

MySugarBabyLove · 27/07/2023 22:43

Interesting how now the OP has disappeared a sockpuppet someone who agrees with her has emerged.

WeetabixTowels · 27/07/2023 22:44

AlfietheSchnauzer · 27/07/2023 22:42

She isn't your family, you've done nothing wrong

What do you class as family exactly?

BrotherViolence · 27/07/2023 22:44

I struggle to believe this is real. I hope it isn't real, as I can't imagine how hurt your stepmother must have been by being excluded like that otherwise.

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/07/2023 22:44

CherryMaDeara · 27/07/2023 22:37

Children are very adaptable.

Unless the mum fills her child’s head with rubbish, the child will accept lack of grandparents with no issues.

Show quote history

Children are adaptable is a cop out often trotted out by those that seek to minimise the effect their actions have on them.

My kids have always struggled with the fact they have deadbeat grandparents so I completely disagree.

SemperIdem · 27/07/2023 22:44

AlfietheSchnauzer · 27/07/2023 22:42

She isn't your family, you've done nothing wrong

Quite right, and the op’s child isn’t her family either.

So no problem to be seen, right?!

GrumpyPanda · 27/07/2023 22:44

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

Producing offspring is not a get-out-of-jail-free card for bad behaviour.

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2023 22:44

AlfietheSchnauzer
She isn't your family, you've done nothing wrong

Then op can't be upset when she doesn't want to be play granny because it's not her grandchild

Rachie1973 · 27/07/2023 22:45

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

So apologise then, maybe they’ll go forward

OverCCCs · 27/07/2023 22:45

Hoping for free childcare from stepmum, OP?

Nanny0gg · 27/07/2023 22:45

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

You got what you asked for.

TopBitchoftheWitches · 27/07/2023 22:46

Reverse

milkandbread · 27/07/2023 22:46

Unfortunately you can't take it back now. It's done. The relationship might recover but it will never be the same.

That you could not foresee the consequences of the disrespect and hurt towards your father and step-mum (together with blaming them now for taking a step back from you) makes it sound like you don't truly care for them anyway - let's be honest.

It wasn't important to have your Dad at your wedding so compromising your original plans and inviting them both wasn't even a consideration.

Yes of course it's your wedding to do as you please but you could not have made it clearer that they are not special people in your life. Sounds like they got the message, loud and clear.

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/07/2023 22:46

MySugarBabyLove · 27/07/2023 22:43

Interesting how now the OP has disappeared a sockpuppet someone who agrees with her has emerged.

I've been a poster for many years. There is a search facility you know.

DisquietintheRanks · 27/07/2023 22:46

Well you've made it quite clear you don't see her as close family so not surprised that she's taken a big step back. And your father is rightly sticking with his wife.

How much would it really have cost to invite her and avoid this mess?

Swipe left for the next trending thread