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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad and step mum are ignoring me

517 replies

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 21:58

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad.

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 27/07/2023 22:34

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2023 22:31

Willyoujustbequiet sm is obligated to have a relationship with ops child's. Op has made it clear where she stands in the pecking order. She can't have it both ways!

Again not the child's fault. Ignoring a grandchild because you are angry with the parent is a shitty thing to do.

LittleEsme · 27/07/2023 22:35

Oh OP, this was hurtful of you. I've had my DsD in my life for less and I'd have been devastated at not being included. She's staying away from your baby because she's been sent a very clear message by you that she isn't a part of your life.

That must have hurt her badly. She doesn't want to get hurt again by getting too close to your child and then not being an important part of their lives.

You've messed up, imo.

CherryMaDeara · 27/07/2023 22:35

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/07/2023 22:34

Again not the child's fault. Ignoring a grandchild because you are angry with the parent is a shitty thing to do.

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Millions of children happily exist without grandparents.

Step-mums aren’t there to bear the brunt of their step-kids bad behaviour.

UndercoverCop · 27/07/2023 22:36

You've essentially told her she's not your family, and now you expect her to play grandma?!

SemperIdem · 27/07/2023 22:36

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/07/2023 22:34

Again not the child's fault. Ignoring a grandchild because you are angry with the parent is a shitty thing to do.

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You’re deluded.

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/07/2023 22:36

CherryMaDeara · 27/07/2023 22:29

Ugh I hate that line. The child is oblivious. The person hurt is the poor step-mum.

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They soon won't be if it carries on. I speak from experience. No justification.

Minniem2020 · 27/07/2023 22:36

My stepmum has been in my life since I was 6. I couldn't imagine not having her at my wedding, she's as much a part of my life as my dad is.
I think not inviting your stepmum was awful behaviour, I'm really not surprised they're ignoring you, you can't pick and choose when they're of use to you.

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2023 22:36

Willyoujustbequiet she isn't blood she doesn't matter according to op. You can't treat people like that then expect them to fawning over your child it doesn't work like that.
What happens if they build a grandparent relationship and then op has a christening and excludes sm again or birthday parties shes not invited.

lolacherricoke · 27/07/2023 22:37

Yabvu!! You basically reject a woman that loves you and invite friends instead and now you are the victim!! You need to apologise to her, grovel and if you are lucky she may forgive you!! But to expect them to make an effort when you have treated her so poorly is mind blowing!

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/07/2023 22:37

SemperIdem · 27/07/2023 22:36

You’re deluded.

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And you clearly can't compose reasoned argument so resort to personal insults.

CherryMaDeara · 27/07/2023 22:37

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/07/2023 22:36

They soon won't be if it carries on. I speak from experience. No justification.

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Children are very adaptable.

Unless the mum fills her child’s head with rubbish, the child will accept lack of grandparents with no issues.

MySugarBabyLove · 27/07/2023 22:38

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

Why should she want to spend time with your child? It’s not her grandchild, you’ve made it very clear where you see her in your life so why on earth should she care about your child? They’re nothing to her.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/07/2023 22:38

Astounding.

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 27/07/2023 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2023 22:39

Willyoujustbequiet are you op because no one is in agreement with you.

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/07/2023 22:39

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2023 22:36

Willyoujustbequiet she isn't blood she doesn't matter according to op. You can't treat people like that then expect them to fawning over your child it doesn't work like that.
What happens if they build a grandparent relationship and then op has a christening and excludes sm again or birthday parties shes not invited.

Family isn't just about blood but regardless the grandad is.

You can't punish kids for the acts of their parents.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/07/2023 22:39

So you don’t think she’s “family “ enough to invite to your wedding. But you do expect her to feel “family” enough to play granny. Hmm.

Dreambe · 27/07/2023 22:39

Your wedding, your choice, of course - however, back in the real world excluding family from your guest list over friends can be incredibly hurtful and can cause irreparable damage to relationships. This is now what you are seeing so you reap what you sow I’m afraid.

As a pp said, your step-mother may have even cried at being excluded and wondered what she’d done to be treated like this, and yet here you are expecting her to play at being a happy granny 🤷‍♀️

YouPistonWhat · 27/07/2023 22:40

This cannot be real.

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/07/2023 22:40

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2023 22:39

Willyoujustbequiet are you op because no one is in agreement with you.

Did you miss the bit where I criticised her action?

Rossannah · 27/07/2023 22:40

Surely has to be a reverse?

Jacobsladder · 27/07/2023 22:40

You were rude. You want your dad to accept YOUR relationship and YOUR family, but you don’t feel you owe him the same courtesy with someone who has been in his life long term. Actions of a child who hasn’t grown up.

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2023 22:40

Willyoujustbequiet family when it suits ey. They gone nc they respected her decision. Op needs to respect theirs they don't want anything to do with her.

SemperIdem · 27/07/2023 22:41

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/07/2023 22:37

And you clearly can't compose reasoned argument so resort to personal insults.

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I was stating it as fact rather than it being an insult, you taking it as the latter is a you problem.

If you would prefer: you are projecting due to your own experience and have nothing useful to offer the op except the echo chamber encouragement that she needs to justify her self absorbed, low emotional intelligence, selfish behaviour l.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 27/07/2023 22:41

Feels off to me.