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AIBU?

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Original poster

My dad and step mum are ignoring me

517 replies

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 21:58

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad.

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Tapasgoofy · 27/07/2023 22:22

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 27/07/2023 22:17

Jeez you have absolutely no emotional intelligence if you can't grasp why they may feel hurt.

If she isn't good enough to come to your wedding, how is she good enough to spend time with your kids?

Probably wants some free childcare now.

Tonighton · 27/07/2023 22:24

You hurt your stepmum
you hurt your father
you are selfish
self absorbed
low on emotional intelligence

TokenGinger · 27/07/2023 22:24

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

Maybe she's realised that you clearly don't appreciate and respect everything she's done as your step mother since you were 7, so has made a fair guess that you wouldn't value and respect her as a grandmother either and that you're not worth anymore of her time.

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 27/07/2023 22:25

I bet also your Dad and s/Mum have made sacrifices for you too , you are going to have to do some serious grovelling .

gamerchick · 27/07/2023 22:25

Saying bio mum is weird. This thread is weird Hmm

JaneAustenshandbag · 27/07/2023 22:26

Gosh I’m a step mum and I’d be absolutely devastated to not be invited to their weddings when they are grown.

Armychefbethebest · 27/07/2023 22:26

Interesting that the poor woman I'd not important enough to attend your wedding but you are hurt your dad and stepmum are missing out on 'their' grandchild how does that work then ?

Ohyousillydivvy · 27/07/2023 22:26

And she's going to be in charge of bringing up another human being with the same zero values low emotional intelligence & self absorbed as herself.

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/07/2023 22:27

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2023 22:07

Why should she bother with your child when you didn't bother to include her? Imagine if your family excluded your dh from an family event because you've only been together 18months but invited everyone else, would you be happy with that decision?

Because its not the child's fault.

CherryMaDeara · 27/07/2023 22:28

My dad and step mum are ignoring me

Just realised your title.

What on earth are you expecting from your step-mum? Do you expect her to play grandma to your child after what you did?

readbooksdrinktea · 27/07/2023 22:28

SemperIdem · 27/07/2023 22:08

I imagine she has re-evaluated her place in your life and doesn’t feel your child is her grandchild

Show quote history

This. Because you showed her that she didn't count as family. This is all on you. Your decision has consequences you don't like. That's life.

Ohyousillydivvy · 27/07/2023 22:29

@Willyoujustbequiet it might not be the child's fault but the op is clearly after free childcare. This is the only reason why her step mum would be now useful to her.

Jifmicroliquid · 27/07/2023 22:29

So she wasn’t important enough to attend your wedding but you want her to have a relationship with your child?
Serious error of judgement OP and I can see why both her and your father are upset.
You come across as a bit self-centred to be honest, like everything is all about what you want. Perhaps you need to have a long hard look at the way you have treated her and consider just why her and your dad are so upset.

CherryMaDeara · 27/07/2023 22:29

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/07/2023 22:27

Because its not the child's fault.

Show quote history

Ugh I hate that line. The child is oblivious. The person hurt is the poor step-mum.

SemperIdem · 27/07/2023 22:30

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/07/2023 22:27

Because its not the child's fault.

Show quote history

It’s not the child’s fault their mother is an arse, no. But they won’t miss what they never had.

AmIinsane2023 · 27/07/2023 22:30

It would have cost you nothing to have your parents' other halves at the registry office and any celebration afterwards could have easily accommodated a couple of extra heads.

It's a massive statement, not inviting your Step-Mum and if you're really going to persist in the narrative you have constructed in order to absolve yourself of any responsibility and or guilt, then I suspect you are either somewhat lacking in general intelligence, or solipsistic (quite possibly both).

HopityHope · 27/07/2023 22:31

SemperIdem · 27/07/2023 22:08

I imagine she has re-evaluated her place in your life and doesn’t feel your child is her grandchild

Show quote history

This. She thinks you don’t consider her grandma, which it sounds like you don’t.

The only way to fix this is to go to them or write them a letter and apologise and say you’ve realised your decision was wrong and you regret it and wish to make amends and your child wants to meet their grandma etc

changeyerheadworzel · 27/07/2023 22:31

Lousy, lousy, lousy move. Shameful thing to do.

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2023 22:31

Willyoujustbequiet sm is obligated to have a relationship with ops child's. Op has made it clear where she stands in the pecking order. She can't have it both ways!

blahblahblah1654 · 27/07/2023 22:32

I don't blame them for being upset after you've known her for almost your whole life. You sound very self centered. Why would she want to act as a grandparent after you've shown how you feel about her? It's your own fault.

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/07/2023 22:33

Ohyousillydivvy · 27/07/2023 22:29

@Willyoujustbequiet it might not be the child's fault but the op is clearly after free childcare. This is the only reason why her step mum would be now useful to her.

But why should the child lose out on a relationship with its grandparents?

Yes it wasn't a nice thing to do but neither is ignoring their grandchild. All 3 need to give their heads a wobble.

Wenfy · 27/07/2023 22:33

From what you say it makes sense. You didn’t invite the partners of either of your parents and so it was equal in a sense (friends being invited is irrelevant). I agree it’s a bit shit for them to be taking it out on your child - my guess is the lack of an invite finally gave them the ‘excuse’ they needed to cut you off.

DoubleBegonia · 27/07/2023 22:33

I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

So you only invited some of siblings and not all of them?

It was your wedding and your choice who to invite but your step mum must feel terribly hurt. I don’t blame them for taking a back step from you. You can’t hurt someone like that and expect no repercussions.

KellyanneConway · 27/07/2023 22:34

Agree this post is weird/ not very self-aware. I’m interested in the back story OP - what kind of conversations did you and DH have when discussing the wedding list? Who decided “bio” parents and friends made the list? Is DH from a nuclear bio family and you wanted to pretend yours was the same or fit some kind of norm? Do you have an unresolved wish for your parents to have stayed together? Does your “bio mum” not like step mum? Sooo many questions

CherryMaDeara · 27/07/2023 22:34

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/07/2023 22:33

But why should the child lose out on a relationship with its grandparents?

Yes it wasn't a nice thing to do but neither is ignoring their grandchild. All 3 need to give their heads a wobble.

Show quote history

Because the child comes with the mother.

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