Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad and step mum are ignoring me

517 replies

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 21:58

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad.

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

OP posts:
xyz111 · 28/07/2023 14:56

I think you could have invited step parents. Seems mean not to have

Dweetfidilove · 28/07/2023 15:04

billy1966 · 28/07/2023 10:36

One of my friends is a step mother to two adults for 25 years.

She is so kind but had many many years of PA from her step daughter.
Her step son has always been lovely and accepting of her, they are close.

She couldn't have children and accepted it and moved on.

She was always very firmly held at a distance and accepted it completely, her husband was largely on the fence as there was no overt rudeness, just PA that she was not HER mother etc, which she never claimed to be anyway.

However, when this step daughter married and became pregnant she was very quick to allocate childcare between her now retired step mother and MIL, via her father!

Her own mother has a busy full-time career and has clearly stated she was unavailable.

MIL agreed max two days and she wanted 3 from my friend.

My friend had worked as a teacher for 30 years, received a nice inheritance and promptly retired early, and had zero interest in being tied down.

She communicated to her husband that he was welcome to be involved but she would not be tied down, having finally retired too.

Her husband expected her to come around as she is so kind, by the end of the mat leave.
He was wrong.

She had polite interest in his grandchild and is kind, but no huge interest.

She took to making arrangements the night before to go out with friends and would stay over and not be around the next morning for the first few weeks, to reinforce her position.
She stayed with me a few times.

Her husband very quickly got very snappy with her as the little girl is very full on and the three days were long.

My friend booked a visit to her sister in Australia for 6 weeks as she was both upset and pissed off at her husband attitude and that he wasn't respectful of her right to not want to be free childcare for his daughter.

He was VERY surprised at the trip and she gave him a few home truths before she left.

By the time she returned his grandchild was with a childminder as it was just too much for him🤨.

The past two years have been interesting.
Her husband is a lot more wary of her as he has seen her steel.

Funnily enough she has a much better relationship with her step daughter who has a lot more wary respect for her too.

Her mother has little time for a grandchild, her MIL has other grandchildren, so I think having had her own child she has seen a bit more clearly the kindness my friend has shown her consistently over the past 25 years.

She has helped out a couple of times when SD has been very stuck and has finally gotten some real appreciation from her.

If my friend had been excluded from the wedding and her husband hadn't stood by her, I could imagine it would have been marriage ending.

If the OP is now realising that grandparent involvement would be welcome and handy, she has rightly messed up.

She can't have it both ways.

This is a whole course on 'Asserting Boundaries ' 👏

Testina · 28/07/2023 15:13

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:11

Well we thought it was fair as I didn’t invite my biological mum’s partner either.

You know that might just make you unfair to both?
Sounds like pretty shitty behaviour from you.

CruCru · 28/07/2023 15:19

I think I’ve read a different OP to other people. The way I read it is that the OP is upset that her father doesn’t see his grandchild. There isn’t anything about her wanting childcare from her stepmother.

We have been told that this stepmother has been in her life since she was 7 but not that they were close or ever lived together.

If the OP is like friends with step-parents, there is a chance that she doesn’t see her as any kind of mother or feel very strongly about her either way.

Whattodo112222 · 28/07/2023 15:20

Good for your dad for standing by his wife. Too many DHs with no back bone and your dad is the opposite. Can't you see by your actions that you've excluded them from their grandchild?

Allthings · 28/07/2023 15:42

BlastedIce · 28/07/2023 12:29

The innocent babe won’t care!

Show quote history

They will when they get older and find out that their cousins are being treated differently to themselves and they have a maternal grandfather who they have never met.

Dixiechickonhols · 28/07/2023 15:44

It’s rude to exclude your dad’s wife of probably over 20 years though even if you aren’t particularly close.
Anyone can see it would be hurtful and put dad in an awkward position.
Women often are the ones who organise and arrange in families. She’s hardly going to be giving him a nudge to say why don’t you pop over and see baby or how about we invite them to a bbq/Sunday lunch knowing how you feel about her. It was extremely short sighted.

Ridemeginger · 28/07/2023 16:14

CruCru · 28/07/2023 15:19

I think I’ve read a different OP to other people. The way I read it is that the OP is upset that her father doesn’t see his grandchild. There isn’t anything about her wanting childcare from her stepmother.

We have been told that this stepmother has been in her life since she was 7 but not that they were close or ever lived together.

If the OP is like friends with step-parents, there is a chance that she doesn’t see her as any kind of mother or feel very strongly about her either way.

The OP's first and second posts clearly refer to her sadness that, "....they are missing out on seeing their grand child." Not dad singular, they. I suspect OP knows full well which of her father and stepmother is the most likely to take the leading role in caring responsibilities and gift buying, when these things come around. If I'm reading the OP's timeline correctly, the baby has been around for quite a few months, and she probably has already seen the stepmother form a relationship with the baby.

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 28/07/2023 16:36

Maybe you have been too willing to be ‘guided’ by your new husband OP?
What makes sense to him -why should you get to invite 4 parents & partners while he only got 2?- was foolish for you.
He hasn’t lost his family or burned bridges, you have.
I would try a proper apology letter with a few photos of the baby and offer to take them out for a meal, maybe they will relent but you’ve thrown the dice.

sheworemellowyellow · 28/07/2023 17:02

So your stepmom is close enough for you to want your child to have a “grandmother”
relationship with her……but not close enough to be invited to your wedding when friends were??!

You are ridiculous.

Woopzies · 28/07/2023 17:04

"My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers"
If this is the only reason you did not invite your step-mother, YABVU. If I was your father, I'd want nothing to do with you either.

whumpthereitis · 28/07/2023 17:09

Some mumsnet posters take issue with ‘bio/biological mother’ but it is commonly used to differentiate from ‘stepmother’ elsewhere (Reddit, for example). It isn’t just used in the context of adoption.

OP - you were well within your rights to have the wedding you wanted. Similarly, your father and stepmother are well within their rights to have no further contact with you.

Laburnam · 28/07/2023 17:13

Only time before this appears in the daily fail

BlastedIce · 28/07/2023 17:17

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:11

Well we thought it was fair as I didn’t invite my biological mum’s partner either.

Interesting that you refer to your mums partner as that and not your step dad? I’m assuming that’s because you don’t view him as such, but you do your step mum?

or is it that they’re not married, so he would become step dad at that point?

BlastedIce · 28/07/2023 17:19

Laburnam · 28/07/2023 17:13

Only time before this appears in the daily fail

Gosh that will be awkward if seen, if OP doesn’t apologise with 88% of people saying she ibu!

ManchesterLu · 28/07/2023 17:36

I could understand if she was a recent girlfriend, but she's been in your life since you were SEVEN?! YABVVVVVVVU.

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 28/07/2023 17:36

FloweryName · 28/07/2023 10:18

I don’t think you did anything wrong OP. It was your wedding and your choice. Parents need to give up thinking that they have the right to force their choices of partners onto their children.

It’s irrelevant that you’ve never had a problem with this woman and that she’s been around for a long time if you don’t feel particularly close to her. There are probably lots of people on your life that could go in that category, this on isn’t any more deserving of a wedding invitation just because she married your dad.

You have got to be joking , there are two women this man loves above all others ,his daughter and his wife . One of them caused offence and pain to other , how on earth do you think this man feels . I feel so sorry for him .

SpringViolet · 28/07/2023 18:02

Woopzies · 28/07/2023 17:04

"My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers"
If this is the only reason you did not invite your step-mother, YABVU. If I was your father, I'd want nothing to do with you either.

Honestly if a father cuts his daughter out of his life over a storm in a teacup like this, then he’s a a shameful excuse of a father and the OP is better of without him.

I just don’t get the responses on this thread. It was the OPs day, she gets to decide who attends not her Dad! This woman may be her Dad’s wife and they may get on but that doesn’t mean the OP has to have any obligations to her.

I didn’t see a post stating that her Dad’s wife played a big part in the OPs life, brought her up etc. She may have only seen her a few times a month.

She made it clear it was a small intimate wedding in a registry office. Not a massive church and banquet event! If she could only have had a limited amount of people attending, she was quite right to only include the most important people in her life which included her parents, some siblings (she may not have a relationship with other siblings) and friends.

Friends who may be a big daily part of her life can certainly be more important than her Dad’s wife who for all we know she may hardly ever see!

It doesn’t sound like she singled out her Dad’s wife if her Mum’s and DH’s parents partners were not invited either.

Your Dad sounds very petty and cruel to not attend your wedding because his wife wasn’t invited OP. Your relationship should be separate to his wife so if he couldn’t bear to attend his own daughters tiny wedding on his own, that says a lot about how he values you.

Even refusing to see his own grandchild knowing this would cause you immense hurt. What a horrible man, his loss. Cut him off right back.

Prestat · 28/07/2023 18:09

Team Dad and step mum, badly done OP.

BlastedIce · 28/07/2023 18:18

SpringViolet · 28/07/2023 18:02

Honestly if a father cuts his daughter out of his life over a storm in a teacup like this, then he’s a a shameful excuse of a father and the OP is better of without him.

I just don’t get the responses on this thread. It was the OPs day, she gets to decide who attends not her Dad! This woman may be her Dad’s wife and they may get on but that doesn’t mean the OP has to have any obligations to her.

I didn’t see a post stating that her Dad’s wife played a big part in the OPs life, brought her up etc. She may have only seen her a few times a month.

She made it clear it was a small intimate wedding in a registry office. Not a massive church and banquet event! If she could only have had a limited amount of people attending, she was quite right to only include the most important people in her life which included her parents, some siblings (she may not have a relationship with other siblings) and friends.

Friends who may be a big daily part of her life can certainly be more important than her Dad’s wife who for all we know she may hardly ever see!

It doesn’t sound like she singled out her Dad’s wife if her Mum’s and DH’s parents partners were not invited either.

Your Dad sounds very petty and cruel to not attend your wedding because his wife wasn’t invited OP. Your relationship should be separate to his wife so if he couldn’t bear to attend his own daughters tiny wedding on his own, that says a lot about how he values you.

Even refusing to see his own grandchild knowing this would cause you immense hurt. What a horrible man, his loss. Cut him off right back.

Show quote history

Storm in a tea cup…..

Good to see you’re in the minority!

BreadInCaptivity · 28/07/2023 18:21

This woman may be her Dad’s wife and they may get on but that doesn’t mean the OP has to have any obligations to her

Apart from helping bring her up from the age of 7 years old and the fact she now expects "this woman" to help grandparent her child.

Her behaviour was shitty and she's ridiculously entitled.

BlastedIce · 28/07/2023 18:25

SpringViolet · 28/07/2023 18:02

Honestly if a father cuts his daughter out of his life over a storm in a teacup like this, then he’s a a shameful excuse of a father and the OP is better of without him.

I just don’t get the responses on this thread. It was the OPs day, she gets to decide who attends not her Dad! This woman may be her Dad’s wife and they may get on but that doesn’t mean the OP has to have any obligations to her.

I didn’t see a post stating that her Dad’s wife played a big part in the OPs life, brought her up etc. She may have only seen her a few times a month.

She made it clear it was a small intimate wedding in a registry office. Not a massive church and banquet event! If she could only have had a limited amount of people attending, she was quite right to only include the most important people in her life which included her parents, some siblings (she may not have a relationship with other siblings) and friends.

Friends who may be a big daily part of her life can certainly be more important than her Dad’s wife who for all we know she may hardly ever see!

It doesn’t sound like she singled out her Dad’s wife if her Mum’s and DH’s parents partners were not invited either.

Your Dad sounds very petty and cruel to not attend your wedding because his wife wasn’t invited OP. Your relationship should be separate to his wife so if he couldn’t bear to attend his own daughters tiny wedding on his own, that says a lot about how he values you.

Even refusing to see his own grandchild knowing this would cause you immense hurt. What a horrible man, his loss. Cut him off right back.

Show quote history

She’s been in her life since she was 7, she class her step mum!

So it would seem a major part of OPs life, she says “their grandchild”, but you write your own narrative.

And OPs father can not see his grandchild if he wants, that’s his choice.

Liv999 · 28/07/2023 18:35

Sorry but YABU, you expect her to see your child but not invite her to your wedding? She must be extremely hurt, I know I would be, especially as she's been in your life for so many years, your mils partner should have also been invited imo

daisychain01 · 28/07/2023 21:12

As your wedding was relatively recent, I'd let the dust settle and in a couple of months why don't you hold a small celebration for your child, contact your DF and DSM and say you are sorry that you got it badly wrong about the wedding, but you'd love it if they'd come over for little Jimmy's party as you've missed them and want to put things right between you.

SpringViolet · 28/07/2023 21:36

BreadInCaptivity · 28/07/2023 18:21

This woman may be her Dad’s wife and they may get on but that doesn’t mean the OP has to have any obligations to her

Apart from helping bring her up from the age of 7 years old and the fact she now expects "this woman" to help grandparent her child.

Her behaviour was shitty and she's ridiculously entitled.

Where does it say in OP’s posts that her Dad’s wife helped bring her up?

We actually don’t know how involved she’s been in OP’s life as OP has not said but OP obviously doesn’t feel close to her and she’s entitled to her feel whatever she feels.

Not only me me writing my own narrative it seems

Swipe left for the next trending thread