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Original poster

My dad and step mum are ignoring me

517 replies

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 21:58

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad.

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ComeOnThenFanny · 27/07/2023 22:12

I've been in my stepson's life since he was 7. He's 19 now, and if he got married and didn't invite me, I would be devastated. I cannot understand how you don't understand this.

SemperIdem · 27/07/2023 22:12

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:11

Well we thought it was fair as I didn’t invite my biological mum’s partner either.

Make a poor decision twice doesn’t make it correct.

Has your mums partner been in your life since you were 7?

You didn’t invite them, your choice was respected but disliked. Suck it up.

WildUnknown · 27/07/2023 22:12

Were you very spoilt growing up? Because this is all about you

My wants
My needs
My hurt
My child

Other people exist

You realise your stepmother probably cried over this - a lot of people would in this circumstance

SunnyFrost · 27/07/2023 22:12

SemperIdem · 27/07/2023 22:08

I imagine she has re-evaluated her place in your life and doesn’t feel your child is her grandchild

Show quote history

This.

You say ‘maybe you were wrong’ but you sound utterly dismissive of the massive hurt you will have caused her and your dad. You owe them
a massive, massive apology. Not just a shrug and then pouting because they’re not just sweeping your horrible action to the side to fawn over your child.

You’ve sent her a huge message about who she is to you and quite how much you care for your dad’s feelings so why on earth are you shocked that they’re backing right away from you? Why would they push to get close to your child when for all they know your step mum will be excluded from other events like their birthday parties?

Frankly you sound like you need to grow up and stop expecting more love and respect from people than you show them - you reap what you sow.

EvilElsa · 27/07/2023 22:12

I can see how your dad and step mum would be hurt. I think it was a mistake and quite mean to leave her out -would you be hurt if the situation was reversed and your DH or you were the excluded person from a family event? I'd imagine so.
Anyway, it's done now. It's a shame they don't see your child. I think in your shoes I would break the ice and apologise either by phone or with flowers and a card.

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2023 22:13

Has he raised you from 7? You want to people to come celebrate a very rushed relationship with a baby in the mix then exclude your parents long term partners. Would you by happy if it was your dh excluded.

Helga55 · 27/07/2023 22:13

I don't think we have the full backstory. Does you mum have a partner/husband, was he invited or not? Would your mum not have come if your stepmother was invited? Was this the easiest way to have your wedding with no potential upset/drama between your parents?

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 27/07/2023 22:13

ThreeLittleDots · 27/07/2023 22:02

I think I would apologise to her

Me too , does your Husband have any s/parents he did not invite or was it just you?

Ohyousillydivvy · 27/07/2023 22:14

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

Is it because you want free childcare and now you've realised that you've shot yourself in the foot......

WildUnknown · 27/07/2023 22:15

Helga55 · 27/07/2023 22:13

I don't think we have the full backstory. Does you mum have a partner/husband, was he invited or not? Would your mum not have come if your stepmother was invited? Was this the easiest way to have your wedding with no potential upset/drama between your parents?

She has stated her mothers partner was not invited

Someoneonlyyouknow · 27/07/2023 22:15

"Their" grandchild but not close enough to invite to your wedding? Grovel and understand how hurtful you were. Would you be fine if somebody invited only you or DH to their wedding because they were limited on numbers? And you two have been together for 18 months not years. Or look forward to explaining to your child why they have no contact with their grandparents

Heyhoherewegoagain · 27/07/2023 22:15

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

Your hurt doesn’t trump theirs…I think you’re going to have to eat some humble pie and apologise

Cosycover · 27/07/2023 22:15

You were so out of order. So nasty to do that to a woman who's been there most of your life. I'm actually shocked you are trying to defend this.

Xrays · 27/07/2023 22:15

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:11

Well we thought it was fair as I didn’t invite my biological mum’s partner either.

So what’s the story there? Have he been in your life as long etc? I think you should have invited both unless you had a falling out with either of them.

mintbiscuit · 27/07/2023 22:16

Well out of order. You reap what you sow…

unless you are about to unleash a massive drip feed about how your step mother was awful to you?

Doidontimmm · 27/07/2023 22:16

As a step mum & grandma Id be so hurt, I’d also be scared you could suddenly exclude me from the dgc and so I think I’d withdraw to protect myself.

Clymene · 27/07/2023 22:16

Why do you call your mum your biological mum? Who raised you?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 27/07/2023 22:17

Jeez you have absolutely no emotional intelligence if you can't grasp why they may feel hurt.

If she isn't good enough to come to your wedding, how is she good enough to spend time with your kids?

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2023 22:17

Just realised the bio mom reference. Did your sm raise you with your df?

Emmamoo89 · 27/07/2023 22:19

Yabu

Tapasgoofy · 27/07/2023 22:19

I’m with your dad on this.

Im not surprised he didn’t go. I wouldn’t expect my OH to go either if my dsd decided I couldn’t come.

How you fix this I have no idea but thank god your dad is putting his wife first.

It’s all your own doing and there would be no coming back from this for me.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/07/2023 22:20

I'm not sure an apology is enough. Excluding her was nasty. Not sure how you're going to get back from there. Especially given you don't sound remotely contrite.

Littlemissprosecco · 27/07/2023 22:20

You invited friends over parent’s long term partners? Your priorities are all wrong. Imagine (god forbid) you and your partner split up next year, and your gorgeous baby doesn’t invite your new partner to their wedding in 20 years time! I would apologise, with bells on!!!

RegainingTheWill2023 · 27/07/2023 22:21

I'd hazard a guess you have been pretty self absorbed over the last 18 months. Meeting your now dh, having a baby and getting married. It may have felt like everything revolved around you and your life.
I don't think for a moment your looking for free childcare as a couple of posters suggested. I think you're genuinely baffled that they are not banging on your door, desperate to adore your new baby.
Try and remember that other people have lives and feelings too.

TokenGinger · 27/07/2023 22:21

I think you're appalling. Inviting her to the registry office would've cost you nothing. You say yourself that you've never had any issues with her. To invite friends over your step mum who's been in your life since you were 7, and who is very dear to your dad is so incredibly rude. My dad has been with my step mum since I was 12 and there's no way I could even consider inviting my dad somewhere without her, and I'm not particularly close to her, but I love and respect her as my dad's life partner. By not inviting her, you effectively didn't invite your dad, because he couldn't have attended without her.

Your poor step mum is probably wondering what she did that was so wrong that she wasn't invited to something so important.

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